Jump to content

Maybe trying to "test" him was not such a good idea... or was it?

lonelylittlething

By lonelylittlething,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

 Share Followers 2

Recommended Posts

lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
Posted

Hello friends,

I'll try to keep this short.

I met my partner on a dating site. A few months after we became serious I deleted my account there, he didn't.

Another couple of months went by and I noticed he was sort of active on there and what did my twisted mind think of... set up a bogus account, contacted him with an innocent "hi" and waited... sadly, he did all I feared he'd do on a dating site... flirting, compliments, sexual propositions, trying to arrange an encounter...

I'm sad beyond words.

I feel alone, ashamed, broken.

I know it was not elegant to snoop and set him up like that, but probably a part of me suspected and had to know.

What to do with this insight?

I love him, btw.

Thanks for any input

Link to post
Share on other sites
Buddhist

Buddhist

Posted
Posted
Hello friends,

I'll try to keep this short.

I met my partner on a dating site. A few months after we became serious I deleted my account there, he didn't.

Another couple of months went by and I noticed he was sort of active on there and what did my twisted mind think of... set up a bogus account, contacted him with an innocent "hi" and waited... sadly, he did all I feared he'd do on a dating site... flirting, compliments, sexual propositions, trying to arrange an encounter...

I'm sad beyond words.

I feel alone, ashamed, broken.

I know it was not elegant to snoop and set him up like that, but probably a part of me suspected and had to know.

What to do with this insight?

I love him, btw.

Thanks for any input

 

What you do is realise that he's not nearly as attached to you as you are to him. What I'm going to say is harsh but not meant as a judgement about you. You probably don't 'love' him. You are probably very attached to him but if it was love these doubts would never have existed in the first place, much less lead you to test him. You would have had no reason to do this at all.

 

If a part of you suspected, then that's reason enough to question the whole relationship. There is no trust here and now you know why there isn't any. Do yourself a favour and find someone you can trust. You had to know, but probably didn't think through what would happen if you discovered your gut was right. You've now been confronted by it.

 

Commiserations, but now there is no returning to what you two once were.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Redfisher

Redfisher

Posted
Posted

That sucks,Sorry But you know its best to walk away. Don't even ask for an explanation as he will just BS you and you'll believe him.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sparta

Sparta

Posted
Posted

This is what's called a red flag I'm sure you've heard that term if you times in your lifetime. This is one of those red flags a warning. Yeah now you know he stands in the relationship. So if you catch him cheating and you're still with him that's your fault. Good luck and do the right thing for yourself

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
lgspot

lgspot

Posted
Posted

Test failed!!!

Better to KNOW now than find out later.

One way love is a hard road to travel.

Find a guy that deserves your love.

Red flag. RUN

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Qboro90

Qboro90

Posted
Posted

Ask him if he's free this weekend to meet up. When he says yes then send back a selfie giving him the finger. Then delete his number after you collect your belongings.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
mystikmind2005

mystikmind2005

Posted
Posted

hmmm lots of ideas come to mind here.....

 

1) book a date with the fake girl, then show up yourself!

 

2) book a date with the fake girl, then insist on booking a date yourself at that time and see what excuse he comes up with?

 

3) book a date with the fake girl then hire a transsexual to go on that date with him!!

 

4) book a date with the fake profile, then happen to show up five minutes before and watch him sweat looking out for the other girl!

 

Lots of fun things can be done :)

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Buddhist

Buddhist

Posted
Posted

Do you have a gay guy friend? Get him to go on the date and act like a total clinger. Maybe even stalk him for a while and post all over facebook how in love he is....:laugh:

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
d0nnivain

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You learned the hard way that you are more into him then he is into you. You say you love him but clearly he does not love you. You went all in. He's still playing the field. Better you should know this while you have only wasted a few months. Dump him & move on to somebody who shares your views on monogamy & exclusivity. Your only other choice is to continue on, sharing him with other woman. If you pick that get STD tests regularly, always use a condom and realize that you will eventually lose him to another woman.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
PegNosePete

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
What to do with this insight?

You dump him, of course.

 

And next time don't invest your emotions in someone who is clearly not reciprocating!

 

Why on earth would you allow him to keep using a dating site after you "became serious"?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
Hello friends,

I'll try to keep this short.

I met my partner on a dating site. A few months after we became serious I deleted my account there, he didn't.

Another couple of months went by and I noticed he was sort of active on there and what did my twisted mind think of... set up a bogus account, contacted him with an innocent "hi" and waited... sadly, he did all I feared he'd do on a dating site... flirting, compliments, sexual propositions, trying to arrange an encounter...

I'm sad beyond words.

I feel alone, ashamed, broken.

I know it was not elegant to snoop and set him up like that, but probably a part of me suspected and had to know.

What to do with this insight?

I love him, btw.

Thanks for any input

 

Get rid of him. You might as well 'fess up since you already know it's over.

 

Out of curiosity, when you say you got serious, what do you mean? You officially decided to become a couple, or? The fact that his profile was still up and active would have told me he wasn't serious.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
What you do is realise that he's not nearly as attached to you as you are to him. What I'm going to say is harsh but not meant as a judgement about you. You probably don't 'love' him. You are probably very attached to him but if it was love these doubts would never have existed in the first place, much less lead you to test him. You would have had no reason to do this at all.

 

If a part of you suspected, then that's reason enough to question the whole relationship. There is no trust here and now you know why there isn't any. Do yourself a favour and find someone you can trust. You had to know, but probably didn't think through what would happen if you discovered your gut was right. You've now been confronted by it.

 

Commiserations, but now there is no returning to what you two once were.

 

Correct...I am more attached. I'm a woman; plus, I'm younger (not a huge difference but there's a significant difference in terms of dating/relationship history).

This hurts. Bad. And, no, it's not my first loss. How to say... as cliche as it sounds, there was a connection on multiple levels, not just some random love affair. Thank you for taking the time to write that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
That sucks,Sorry But you know its best to walk away. Don't even ask for an explanation as he will just BS you and you'll believe him.

 

Well... I messed up even my grand exit... after a night in hell I decided to call him and break up. He was the one who asked for an explanation, motivating that he needs to understand to have closure. So... I told him. And thus got my share of "how could you disrespect me like that". Well, I'm not proud at all, of snooping. I don't think anyone does that for sport, but I felt tormented by doubts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
hmmm lots of ideas come to mind here.....

 

1) book a date with the fake girl, then show up yourself!

 

2) book a date with the fake girl, then insist on booking a date yourself at that time and see what excuse he comes up with?

 

3) book a date with the fake girl then hire a transsexual to go on that date with him!!

 

4) book a date with the fake profile, then happen to show up five minutes before and watch him sweat looking out for the other girl!

 

Lots of fun things can be done :)

 

You made me laugh... well, it's too late for fun now... I already confessed to my hideous sneaky ways... and even if I hadn't, I was too messed up to play. When he first started answering my fake profile, my heart was beating so damn fast I thought I were having a heart attack. Yeah, ridiculous, I know...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Redfisher

Redfisher

Posted
Posted
Well... I messed up even my grand exit... after a night in hell I decided to call him and break up. He was the one who asked for an explanation, motivating that he needs to understand to have closure. So... I told him. And thus got my share of "how could you disrespect me like that". Well, I'm not proud at all, of snooping. I don't think anyone does that for sport, but I felt tormented by doubts.

 

Well it may have saved you a lot of heartache down the road...I wish you well.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You learned the hard way that you are more into him then he is into you. You say you love him but clearly he does not love you. You went all in. He's still playing the field. Better you should know this while you have only wasted a few months. Dump him & move on to somebody who shares your views on monogamy & exclusivity. Your only other choice is to continue on, sharing him with other woman. If you pick that get STD tests regularly, always use a condom and realize that you will eventually lose him to another woman.

 

I think he cares about me but he is unable or unwilling or uninterested in monogamy. I can understand that, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

And I don't feel capable of sharing him... maybe if I didn't care so much, but it's too late for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You dump him, of course.

 

And next time don't invest your emotions in someone who is clearly not reciprocating!

 

Why on earth would you allow him to keep using a dating site after you "became serious"?

 

Well...I don't think that simply being with a man gives me the right to forbid/allow stuff...my tactic is to simply let the other be and hope that the affection I inspire would be enough to, I don't know... make him less interested in other people. Clearly, my tactic is a failure here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Get rid of him. You might as well 'fess up since you already know it's over.

 

Out of curiosity, when you say you got serious, what do you mean? You officially decided to become a couple, or? The fact that his profile was still up and active would have told me he wasn't serious.

 

When I said we got serious I meant... we told eachother that we love one another. We discussed exclusivity and other "heavy" subjects and decided to be honest. And talk, if the attraction towards a third would appear etc

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well it may have saved you a lot of heartache down the road...I wish you well.

 

Thank you ... my heart is aching right now. I wish there was a pill for that.

We were supposed to go on a trip we've been planning for months... still weighing the pros and cons.

Cons... all the advice I've been given here and the reality of the facts.

Pros... I want to spend some more time with him.

Why does affection make us so dumb?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Redfisher

Redfisher

Posted
Posted
Thank you ... my heart is aching right now. I wish there was a pill for that.

We were supposed to go on a trip we've been planning for months... still weighing the pros and cons.

Cons... all the advice I've been given here and the reality of the facts.

Pros... I want to spend some more time with him.

Why does affection make us so dumb?

 

The only pill is time...Take what you learned and apply to your next go round, May seem tough but when you pull through the other side and meet the right man it will better then you could have ever dreamed.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lonelylittlething

lonelylittlething

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The only pill is time...Take what you learned and apply to your next go round, May seem tough but when you pull through the other side and meet the right man it will better then you could have ever dreamed.

 

I wonder if there are men capable of keeping their attention fixated on only one woman for extended periods of time. If that exists, they must be seldom, right? Or am I repeatedly making the wrong choices? Either way I feel hopeless.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hippychick3

hippychick3

Posted
Posted
I wonder if there are men capable of keeping their attention fixated on only one woman for extended periods of time. If that exists, they must be seldom, right? Or am I repeatedly making the wrong choices? Either way I feel hopeless.

 

Yes, there are. There are plenty of men willing to take down their dating profiles when they decide to date someone exclusively. And there are plenty of men who would not flirt or make sexual suggestions to other women while in an exclusive relationship.

 

You can and do deserve better. Move on.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
hippychick3

hippychick3

Posted
Posted (edited)
Well...I don't think that simply being with a man gives me the right to forbid/allow stuff...my tactic is to simply let the other be and hope that the affection I inspire would be enough to, I don't know... make him less interested in other people. Clearly, my tactic is a failure here.

 

While you can't "forbid" someone to take down their dating profile, you can decide that this behavior is not acceptable to you. If that person decides to keep it up anyway, you get to decide to move on. It's about setting your own boundaries and self-respect.

Edited by hippychick3
wrong word
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 2
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...