10 year age gaps

[truth_seeker]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years... he is 20 and I am 29.

 

The biggest concern for age gap relationships, from all the reading I have read (I researched madly in the beginning because I felt crazy) is to find a way not to rob the other partner of their respective life phase experience. I think this is doubly important for the younger partner, if they are under 25, due to the fact they are still in the final stages of cognitive development and identity formation.

 

I do my best to let my boyfriend make all his decisions and figure out his path on his own. We've had a few interesting third-party challenges (he dealt with an exploitative boss, his best friend was in love with him, he chose roommates from hell). I let him know how situations made me feel, but I never told him what to do. When he was ready to sever ties or put his foot down, he did, and he's learned from those challenges.

 

It would have destroyed our relationship if I got in his face and told him what to do, acted like his mom, etc. Some of the AGRs I've read about that failed have failed due to an excessively controlling older partner.

 

The age gap really isn't an issue for me, because my boyfriend is extremely independent, and naturally takes the lead. He's more headstrong than any of the other guys I've dated that were my age or older, and it makes me weak in the knees. As a woman, it's awesome to be pursued. He's amaaaaazing at listening to my feelings and supporting me emotionally. He's by my side for everything.

 

Another problem I've seen in failed AGRs is when an older partner is excessively flattered by a younger person's affections, BUT the younger person behaves badly and the older partner consequently writes off abuse/taking advantage due to age.

 

If you focus on healthy relationship dynamics, the relationship is going to be healthy. More than age roles, I found the greatest comfort in focusing on masculine/feminine polarity. I don't care how old my boyfriend is... He is THE MAN. I love it when he makes decisions, and I encourage him to do it. I look up to him. He's brilliant. He takes my emotions into consideration and tries to make the best decisions for us.

 

Lots of relationships (period) fail when there's a power imbalance.

 

So it all comes down to good, old-fashioned, healthy relationship skills. They will get you through almost any relationship.

 

Beware of power games.

 

There are a lot of positives to an age gap, too. I love my boyfriend's perspective. He's so tech savvy it's ridiculous. He learned to cook from me. I know every now and then I drop a kernel of wisdom that's life-altering, too.

 

I think we can all agree that it really isn't about the age gap, but how people feel for one another?

[joseb]

Hard to meet a woman over 33 interested in having kids. I'm not against it, but the pool shrinks with women after 30.

 

Seriously?

 

I find it extremely hard to meet women over 33 who don't want to have kids!

[gaius]

I think the biggest mistake a lot of people make with their perception of age gap relationships is that it's going to be one certain way. That it's going to be significantly different than a same age relationship, that the older is automatically superior to the younger, etc etc. When the truth is it's whatever you make it, just like any other relationship. There's not as much difference in the variety of dynamics as you would think.

 

I'm in love with and dating an amazing woman who's older than me and we have a pretty traditional male-female dynamic going. It doesn't suddenly reverse itself because I'm younger. If you don't fall into the trap of it should be this way because I'm/you're older/younger and you both come up with a dynamic that works for you, like what blackcat described you should be fine.

[truth_seeker]

Seriously?

 

I find it extremely hard to meet women over 33 who don't want to have kids!

 

Wanting and being able to have kids is entirely different. Health risks and complications increase the longer a woman waits to have a baby. I rather start a family with a much younger woman than a woman who is in her mid to late 30s.