When do you stop trying?

[Damaged217]

Hey guys. I've been missing from this forum for quite a while. Today is my 2-year anniversary with my bf. I just need to vent. We have been fighting almost daily for the last few weeks and I've been down in the dumps and moody for the past few months. He's noticed but he doesn't really seem to care. We live together and I get along so well with his family and friends. I think that's what makes it so hard to leave. But I'm still here. He does not put forth the effort anymore. Today is our anniversary and he hasn't even gotten me flowers or a card. He is not romantic. He does not make the effort to plan dates EVER. I've talked to him about these things numerous times and even had him read the 5 languages of love (which was a struggle in itself), because I thought that our problem was that we spoke different languages. And it is, but he hasn't made too much effort to give me the things that I need. He has never gotten me a thoughtful gift. And when I cried to him about how he made his ex a calendar with their pictures and he never gave anything like that to me, he said he would give me a thoughtful gift. This was a year ago. I don't know what else to do. I've asked him numerous times if he really loves me. A girl shouldn't have to ask that, right? She should know. Her bf should show it always. I was hoping that with all this doubt he knows I have, he would make this anniversary super special. But once again, I sit here disappointed and hurt. The more I type, the more I know what I need to do. But why is it so damn hard to leave even when you know you deserve better? ::sigh::

 

I've been thinking about asking for a break. Take a month off with no contact to have him evaluate things and see if something clicks in that brain of his. I want to make him miss me and see what life is like without me. I want to try just one more time. But is it pointless? Should I just end things now? Or do I give him this one last chance so I know that I did everything possible to save things?

[d0nnivain]

Breaks make things worse, not better. Either stay to fix it but I doubt you can or leave. The reason I say you can't fix it is that your behavior isn't the behavior that has to change. You want his to change. That is impossible. You can't change another person.

 

 

When DH & I 1st got together we struggled with some of the issues you face. He wasn't good at being romantic. He's still not great at it but he tries & I appreciate the effort. One of the 1st things I needed him to do was cards. He'd get me cards but all he would do was write his name. That's it. No Dear D0nnivain, no date, no love, no personal message just his name. Drove me crazy so I would ask him (OK maybe I told him ) how to write out a card so now I get what I want. It's a process.

 

 

I have accepted that I will never get the grand romantic straight from the movies gestures from DH. He's just not that guy. This is kind of hard for me sometimes because all the other guys I dated were those guys & I have gotten the carriage rides, the rose petals strewn everywhere, champagne at midnight on a secluded beach, candle lit dinners etc. DH will do all those things with me but I have to plan them so it's not the same. However, those are trappings The real stuff, the stuff that was missing from my prior relationships, the knowledge that he loves me unconditionally those are all so amazing that I can get over the gifts.

 

 

Try leading by example. You plan some of the romantic stuff you want to show him how. Since he did that calendar for an EX he clearly knows how. I can't explain why he's not doing those types of things for you, other than perhaps he doesn't want to which tells me that perhaps this isn't the relationship you think it is.

[Damaged217]

I don't want grand gestures. I want the little things. I want the daily "you're beautiful." I want something thoughtful for my birthday or anniversary. But I don't get it. And I also don't know why. I can't help but assume he just doesn't love me as much as he did his ex. That's a pretty logical assumption, I think, right? But when I say that, he rolls his eyes and tells me I'm crazy.

 

But problems are even bigger than these things. Last night, when he asked me if I could drop him off at the train station so he could go to a basketball game (ON OUR ANNIVERSARY), I broke down. I don't care that you're a season ticket holder and you couldn't sell your ticket for that game. I broke down. He stayed home. We talked. Mostly I cried. I said we were drifting apart. He asked me how long I've felt like that. I said several months. He said, "Oh, about the time you told me you didn't want kids?" Yes. This past summer, he kept bringing up kids in subtle ways. We never had the kid conversation which is our own stupid fault. I knew I had to speak up so I told him that I didn't want them, at least not my own. I was okay with adopting a toddler, but I was also fine with not having any kids at all. We went on acting like things were fine. Anytime I'd bring the topic back up, he'd shut down and say he didn't want to talk about it.

 

Now he's basically saying he's been half-assed loving me because of the whole kid issue and he doesn't know if we are going to work out. That is BS because I've been trying to talk to him about the lack of effort since last year. The kids topic might've made things worse, but he definitely stopped trying long before the topic came up. I suggested the break and he said what was the point of that? We stared at each other and I asked him if he had anything else to say. He said no. We went to bed in silence. Happy anniversary to me. I really see no way to fix this. We want different things. He doesn't meet my needs and I can't meet his. I think we are both just too chicken to end things. And now that I think about it, maybe he's been slacking in order to try to get me to break things off so he won't feel bad or so he doesn't have to make a choice. FML

[d0nnivain]

If he wants kids & you don't that is a pretty fundamental deal breaker. Your relationship may have run it's course. That happens.

 

I am so sorry you are in pain but perhaps this is the catalyst you both need to make a change.

[oldshirt]

I read some of your other threads, this has been an ongoing issue since day one and you never have been satisfied with him and he never has been what you want.

 

That coupled with the fact that he wants to have children and you don't, this is a done-deal. There is no point for this to continue.

 

Yes there will be some tears in your pillow for a few nights but in a short period of time both of you will find people you are fundamentally compatible with and you will wonder why you didn't end this 23 months ago.

[oldshirt]

To answer you question, you stop trying once you realize the person you are seeing is not "The One" that you want to have a home and family with, which in your case has Pretty much been from the get-go.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've gotten some good advice but there's two sides to every story. Going to try to give you a different 'guys' perspective .

 

Today is my 2-year anniversary with my bf.

 

Two years from the day you met? Two years from the day you became exclusive? I love my wife but couldn't tell you which date either was for us.

 

I've talked to him about these things numerous times and even had him read the 5 languages of love (which was a struggle in itself), because I thought that our problem was that we spoke different languages.

 

How much work have you put into figuring out what his love language is ?

 

H And when I cried to him about how he made his ex a calendar with their pictures and he never gave anything like that to me, he said he would give me a thoughtful gift. This was a year ago. I don't know what else to do. I've asked him numerous times if he really loves me. A girl shouldn't have to ask that, right? She should know.

 

I don't think the lack of a customized calendar indicates he doesn't love you.

 

If there's 100% in a relationship, I base 99% on how my partner treats me and 1% on gifts and flowery expressions of love. You'll have to make your own decision as to which is more important to you....

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

There are fundamental questions that you should ask eachother as soon as things start to get serious. Kids is a HUGE one! You don't need to look at other reasons. That alone tells you it's time to call it quits. I'm sorry. Any break-up is hard after that time invested. Sometimes love isn't enough.

[Damaged217]

You've gotten some good advice but there's two sides to every story. Going to try to give you a different 'guys' perspective .

 

 

 

Two years from the day you met? Two years from the day you became exclusive? I love my wife but couldn't tell you which date either was for us.

 

 

 

How much work have you put into figuring out what his love language is ?

 

 

 

I don't think the lack of a customized calendar indicates he doesn't love you.

 

If there's 100% in a relationship, I base 99% on how my partner treats me and 1% on gifts and flowery expressions of love. You'll have to make your own decision as to which is more important to you....

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

2 years from the day we met. We dated for about a month and he asked me to be official on Christmas. I didn't want our anniversary to be on Christmas, lol, so he agreed to let it be the day we met.

 

I already knew his love languages. I didn't need to work on it. He has never complained that I don't give him what he needs so I assume I'm meeting his love needs.

 

And it's not the calendar itself. It's the fact that he took the time to make a thoughtful gift for his ex for no reason. I only get things on special occasions and none of them are made from the heart. He got me car accessories for both our 1-year anniversary and for christmas last year! He loves cars. I don't care about them. He knows this. He also has all their vacation pictures (him and this ex) on his computer. I asked him to take a selfie with me the day before our anniversary, when I took him to see our favorite hockey team, and he didn't want to. I had to beg him. He doesn't have any of our pictures on that damn computer of his. It's hard not to assume he didn't have stronger feelings for his ex when you compare how he treated her and how he treats me.

 

[Damaged217]

There are fundamental questions that you should ask eachother as soon as things start to get serious. Kids is a HUGE one! You don't need to look at other reasons. That alone tells you it's time to call it quits. I'm sorry. Any break-up is hard after that time invested. Sometimes love isn't enough.

 

 

I know. I really don't know how it didn't come up before. But you can bet that this is something that will be discussed much sooner in the future. I've learned my lesson. You're damned right. Love is not enough in this case. Especially when it feels so one-sided.

 

I'm working on the courage to do what needs to be done.

[privategal]

It is ok to have needs and to discuss them.

Its not ok to sulk, and be moody and down.

Would you want to come home to this daily?

It couldn't be fun to live with and I mean this nicely.

Now, you knew from the start what kind of guy he was...if he isn't romantic he never will be, you can't change someone.

He had a different dynamic and relationship with his ex, it means nothing, you cant compare.

Think of when you first got together, the things that made you crazy about him, what were they? Make a list of what you DO love and go frim there and decide if it is enough.

If the romantic passionate girl in you dreams of romantic dates and roses, Id say you aren't going to be fulfilled.

Your great relationship with his friends and family shouldn't matter...HE is your partner...HE is who matters and the one you need to count on to work together through life.

 

Life is really short and to spend months fighting and miserable is no good.

Its not working to show him your miserable side, the approach is only pulling you further apart and will not make him drawn to be closer to you.

Id say a break is in order.

You guys need a heart to heart and a plan to either make a fresh start or to respectfully part ways.

If you decide to break up, if you do it respectfully and in a mature friendly manner...in the future after some space and when your both healed, you might be able to be friends with the circle still.

But first things first, you need to decide if this is the guy for YOU.

It sounds like he wont be able to emotionally and physically give you the TYPE of love you desire.

It doesn't make him a bad guy, it just may mean he isn't the right fit.

Start today taking steps to get out of this rut.

Life should be beautiful and happy.

[cocorico]

 

He also has all their vacation pictures (him and this ex) on his computer. I asked him to take a selfie with me the day before our anniversary, when I took him to see our favorite hockey team, and he didn't want to. I had to beg him. He doesn't have any of our pictures on that damn computer of his. It's hard not to assume he didn't have stronger feelings for his ex when you compare how he treated her and how he treats me.

 

 

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

Even if it meant nothing to him, the fact that it means a lot to you and he still does nothing about it, shows he's just not that into you.

 

Dump him.

[Lois_Griffin]

I get the impression that he 'settled' with you.

 

He's just shown you over and over and over that you're not a priority to him.

 

You're smart for not having kids with him. I wouldn't trap myself to someone like this if you paid me.

 

He's shown you exactly what you mean to him.

 

You know what you need to do.