Moms remarriage = feelings of rage

[changeofseasons]

I've already posted about my dad on this forum, but in general what has happened is that he passed away when i was 18 (3 years in a month.) My relationship with him was rocky at times, and it has left me with things that i know i need to deal with, but throughout the grieving process i have kept the good memories and barely focused on the somewhat abusive behavior.

 

Under the age of 18, while my dad was still alive, i always felt for my mother. We all dealt with my dads depression and the anger that he would project onto us, but he was especially mean to my mom. When times would get bad i would encourage her to move back with her dad or divorce and get her own place. Being a stay at home mom who hadn't worked in over a decade, she didn't think she could provide for herself. When my dad passed it felt like a huge burden was off of me, my mom could live more freely. I even thought about her getting remarried at the time, and wished that she found someone that would treat her well.

 

She did find someone, 7 months after my dad passed but my reaction wasn't great, we would always fight, i was always angry and sad, it made me feel so uncomfortable. It got so bad to the point that i cut my wrist (no serious suicidal thoughts, if anything it was just for the attention) I saw a counselor for awhile, it helped a little. I think i got so caught up in the semester back then that i pushed it out of my mind, also i only got to see them together once a week so that also helped.

 

Now its been 2 years since they first met and they finally got married 3 weeks ago. And i feel like im back in the same position i was 2 years ago. I'm mad, depressed, prone to crying, have moments of absolute anger, and then once i come down from that i feel guilty, why should i feel like this towards her? She hasnt done anything to me? Then the last stage is feeling like scum. I'm 21 now, people have advised for me to move out, which i could, but i am one semester away from graduating, i will be moving out of state and i need to save up at the moment, so i cant be forking out money on an apartment. I have so many conflicted feelings, i dont know what to do. At first everyone told me it was normal, but its been 2 years. Should'nt i be over it by now? I feel like i have the right to feel this way, but then i feel like a selfish jerk because my mom has been helping me out with my living situation. My heart aches I'd appreciate any advice.

Edited November 17, 2015 by changeofseasons

[StBreton]

Hey COS

 

First, I'd like to say congrats on going to college and seeing that through with all the turmoil that's been going on in your life...you're a champion.

 

Secondly, what you're feeling re: the rejection of this person (mom's new boyfriend/husband) who is in essence "replacing" your dad is normal...and I'm purely speculating here, but the protraction of your anger and resentment could be that you have a lot of unresolved feelings about your dad, his relationship to your mom (his wife), and his relationship to the family. With the new man in the picture, you are forced to accept the situation with your dad as it ended...without time to process your dad's behavior as it affected all those relationships just mentioned AND ... process AS an adult ... so to process and move on. You were denied processing the dynamics of that relationship upon his death and suddenly this new man is on the scene! Like none of it ever happened!!!

 

Your brain is in overdrive just trying to figure out what to do with all these feelings. I feel for you and think you would do best by just giving yourself a lot of time to process everything and talk with a counselor (if you are able to financially ... maybe through your school?), or to a good friend who is mature and understanding, or to everyone on this forum. Those confusing feelings have to come out ... otherwise you will continue to harm yourself. If you are harming yourself, please get the advice of a professional. I can not stress this enough. That part means you have a lot going on and no one but a professional can really help you to get to a place where you accept yourself, process the feelings, and come out as a whole healthy person on the other side.

 

If the situation with staying at your house is triggering all of this and you can not afford an apartment, can you stay with a friend till you graduate? The trigger is just overwhelming for you. Please do not "shame" yourself anymore by calling yourself names.

 

Hugs:)

Edited November 17, 2015 by StBreton

[turnera]

It sounds like you haven't done anything to process how you felt about your dad. And, by extension, your mom, who 'allowed' your dad to be such a putz. We get mad at our parent for not protecting us from our other parent. You haven't come to grips with the guilty feelings you have of anger or hatred against him, and not even close to dealing with the more complex problem of how SHE dealt with it (no options) and then was able to move on from him.

 

IIWY, I would start a journal. It's what a therapist would tell you. You don't know WHAT you feel or what to think, but if you start freestyle writing, it will all start to flow out of you, and you can then step back and take a good look at what you're really feeling. Good first step.

 

Also, please understand it's common for kids of violent or angry parents to not be able to 'see' what the other parent was experiencing. I would also suggest that you maybe ask your mom to start going on walks with you. If she has a dog, you can pretend it's for that purpose, lol. Walking is such a good way to start greasing the wheels of real, heart to heart talks, and IMO that's what you and she are missing out on right now and would benefit from. Tell her what you're feeling. Ask her what she's feeling. I promise it will help.

[Tayla]

Ohhhh how I wish People could be jailed for telling someone to "get over it". Grief is not a getoverit scenario. Get thru it, yes, come to peace with it, yes... find away to incorporate it thru your life, yes.

I would suggest you be gentle while moving thru the phases of grief and living.

Have you considered a grief counselor? Our community has them set up ... and there is no limit there.... the loss could be three months or ten years, doesn't matter... cause the loss still lingers.

 

You are stronger then your sorrow and more intelligent then any test given... find those talents... and work towards resolution... life really is an open road .... one step at a time.