Wanting to hear from others who left marriage for MM

[Tarnished]

MM and I really want to leave our marriages to be together but are so unsure how to go about this...

 

We both have young children so are very aware of the fallout from us wanting to be together and what it will entail.

 

My question is directed at any other LS members who have been in a similar situation.

 

How did you leave your marriage for your MM/MW? Did you set up house immediately together, or did you both find your own place in order to deal with the immediate issues of leaving your marriage, and then joined up living together in time, thereby giving the kids to get used to Mum & Dad living apart before introducing a third party?

 

Of course I'm aware that the best solution would be to stay in our marriages, end our affair and not cause our children any upheaval, but this doesn't feel like a possibility for us anymore - we want to be together. If we both stay in our marriages we will be miserable and the affair will continue indefinitely as we cannot give each other up.

 

I'd welcome any constructive advice from others who've found themselves in this situation...

[privategal]

I would speak to an attorney and lay the groundwork seperately to your spouses that you want to leave.

If it were me, I would live seperately and help your children adjust first and be together when they have visitation.

Also you've waited this long, after the holidays would be better for everyone.

In the meantime start firming up your plan of action and get a support network in place.

[gettingstronger]

A friends husband recently left their marriage- all I can say is that the kindest thing he did was to shut the door tight-it hurts her like hell, but I feel like in the end the fact he is not giving her any false hope is actually a good thing-

[WestEndGirl]

A friends husband recently left their marriage- all I can say is that the kindest thing he did was to shut the door tight-it hurts her like hell, but I feel like in the end the fact he is not giving her any false hope is actually a good thing-

 

I agree with this, too. I left my M when I was involved with an OM. We had no intentions of being together, but obviously, my M was so craptastic, it warranted leaving. It's really difficult to leave someone when you've already wronged them; however, it's for the best -- for everyone, out of a sense of fairness in the long run.

 

Will post more about this later -- pressed for time -- but there are more thoughts I'd like to share.

[minimariah]

How did you leave your marriage for your MM/MW? Did you set up house immediately together, or did you both find your own place in order to deal with the immediate issues of leaving your marriage, and then joined up living together in time, thereby giving the kids to get used to Mum & Dad living apart before introducing a third party?

 

i can give you my father's experience - he left my mother for his AP.

 

he and his AP didn't set up a house together immediately and i'm very grateful for that. they took their time, my father lived on his own for almost two years until he had his AP move in. he introduced me to her less than a year before that - so he was "single" for more than a year after he left the marital home.

 

i suggest you go easy, especially if the kids are younger - the divorce is a shock as it is, immediately moving in with your AP and marrying, having a child with him is way too much for them to grasp. so take it easy and definitely give them time to adapt to their new reality... when you see they're doing good, THEN bring the AP into the picture.

 

it would be good to wait after the holidays. make a strict plan, some kind of timeline and stick with it. BUT wait only after these holidays. be careful not to turn it into a "just one holiday more and THEN i'm out!" scenario.

[gettingstronger]

I agree with this, too. I left my M when I was involved with an OM. We had no intentions of being together, but obviously, my M was so craptastic, it warranted leaving. It's really difficult to leave someone when you've already wronged them; however, it's for the best -- for everyone, out of a sense of fairness in the long run.

 

Will post more about this later -- pressed for time -- but there are more thoughts I'd like to share.

 

I agree here as well-while the infidelity puts a wrinkle in it- I feel like the cruelest thing a person can do it give false hope to another-as for the other steps- from the outside as an educator-I see kids adjust best when the focus is on them-no awkward moments at school where the "new" couple shows up before the child is ready-no over involvement by the new partner is the childs life- no crazy custody things where the kid has no idea which house he is going to that night-no putting the kid in the middle (ie-Mom pays half for a field trip, Dad pays the other half but ones doesn't pay on time so the kid has to chase down one or the other)- what that looks like as far as living arrangements, I really don't know- I just know that the kids that are put first as much as possible tend to do the best-

[goodyblue]

My h left had s ex wife for several reasons, one of them (the biggest) being me.

 

We tried to do things slowly. He left and lived in an apartment for some time before he moved us out to his city. He rented us a house and we lived there while he stayed in his apartment and we dated. Then, a couple of years later we moved in, on and on.

 

We went to therapy, we forgave ourselves and we are very happy. However we also caused other people serious pain. That has been the hardest part. But... we are doing really well and I am glad for where we are in our lives. I just wish we had not been so callous.

[Ms. Faust]

My ex left his wife and kid and moved directly in with me. It ruined any potential relationship I could have had with his son.

 

I was 19, and quite stupid and selfish, to say the least. I was also not ready to play mom to someone else's kid.

Edited November 17, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[LimeBlue]

I will follow this thread with great interest. I am currently in a similar situation as you are, but neither of us have kids to worry about. My MM says he wants to be with me, I definitely want to be with him. I am ready to leave my marriage, he is clearly not ready to leave because his actions are contradicting his words. This leaves me now doubting how he really does feel about me.

 

We have even discussed how to do it, that he would get an apartment and I can move in with him (I do not have the finances to go it totally alone).

 

I am getting despondent and pushing him away because I want to trust his words, but I only trust his actions. Even if he moves out I fear he will go back to his bully wife.

 

I wish you both well. I hope you both get it right and it works out. I don't believe my situation will end with us together but perhaps your story can give me some hope of finding the right partner eventually. However, I don't ever see myself getting past this man because he is everything I have ever dreamed of having and more.

[Lois_Griffin]

 

Of course I'm aware that the best solution would be to stay in our marriages, end our affair and not cause our children any upheaval, but this doesn't feel like a possibility for us anymore - we want to be together. If we both stay in our marriages we will be miserable and the affair will continue indefinitely as we cannot give each other up.

I think you need to consider your kids ALOT more than you have so far.

 

You're basically going to tear their world apart and break up your family - that's devastating ENOUGH for them. But then you'd actually turn around and consider moving them into a new place with some strange guy you'll now be sleeping with and telling them is your new partner?

 

Are you serious?

 

FWIW, men rarely leave. They'll cling like grim death even to the most miserable marriage. But women, when they're done they're done - and they leave.

 

I have no doubt you would leave your marriage. Women do it all the time. Him? I think you're going to be waiting - divorced and in your own place - for a long, long time.

 

Look at LimeBlue's post. Her MM doesn't even HAVE kids and he's still not leaving.

 

If you're smart, you'll let HIM leave first.

[Minnie09]

No matter what you decide, you should really wait and live by yourself with your kids, before you introduce a new partner. That's all I have to contribute. The logistics of everything else will be complicated enough, so make sure your kids are ok, and by setting up a new home with a new stepdad you'd make it more difficult for them than necessary.

[whichwayisup]

MM and I really want to leave our marriages to be together but are so unsure how to go about this...

 

We both have young children so are very aware of the fallout from us wanting to be together and what it will entail.

 

My question is directed at any other LS members who have been in a similar situation.

 

How did you leave your marriage for your MM/MW? Did you set up house immediately together, or did you both find your own place in order to deal with the immediate issues of leaving your marriage, and then joined up living together in time, thereby giving the kids to get used to Mum & Dad living apart before introducing a third party?

 

Of course I'm aware that the best solution would be to stay in our marriages, end our affair and not cause our children any upheaval, but this doesn't feel like a possibility for us anymore - we want to be together. If we both stay in our marriages we will be miserable and the affair will continue indefinitely as we cannot give each other up.

 

I'd welcome any constructive advice from others who've found themselves in this situation...

 

Be honest with your spouses. Come clean. Since you don't love your husband anymore and you want someone else, divorce and do family counseling with your kids to help them adjust and get used to not being a family unit under one roof. Then divorce and 'date' MM (though hopefully he'll be a single too), take your time before blending kids/families. Like at least a year if not more before you introduce someone else to your children. Put them first and allow them to dictate when they are ready.

 

Does your H have any idea that you've been cheating on him and having an affair? Does MM's wife know? Not sure if your situation is the one I'm thinking of where you all know each other and are all friends... If I'm wrong I apologize and have mixed you up with someone else.

 

Anyway, don't drag it out. Make a decision to divorce, regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do. You're not happy in your marriage so that's reason enough to divorce and set your H free so he can find someone to love only him.

[whichwayisup]

Just know that it is impossible to end a marriage and start a new life with someone else right after. You have baggage, habits, dynamics with your husband, a life built with him and children. You can't just up and leave and then start over so quickly... Have to mention too, you and MM are in an affair, not a real out in the open real relationship. There's a big difference and things will change, that affair feelings and dynamic will disappear, and become a regular relationship with the good bad and the ugly. You'll see him at his worst, have to deal with his ex, his inlaws (and his yours), creating new memories with new friends or difficult times with current friends who now have to accept a new partner in your lives. It won't be easy.

 

It depends on the glue that holds you and MM together, if the love is strong enough and it's truly what you want, then yeah it can work but GO SLOW and DO NOT (PLEASE) RUSH your kids into this. Their mental health and well being should be number one throughout this.

[WestEndGirl]

Okay, here's a little more:

 

I second getting legal advice, given the circumstances. Before I left my M, I did as well, just to see what I was looking at in terms of property division. I was the initiator, and in my state, abandonment of property isn't a very good thing. But for my peace of mind, it was worth it. Honestly, when you want out of a M, no sacrifice is too great.

 

I also sought individual counseling. My then-H was aware that I was going, but he didn't know the nature of my conversations with my therapist, which was that I was laying the groundwork and establishing my own timeline. I then found an apartment, signed a lease, and hired a moving company. I had a plan, and the wheels were already in motion by the time I told my exH.

 

My ex and I didn't have kids, and NO, this was not a blessing. If we'd had children, I would have left the M years earlier, because I believe in setting healthy examples for them to follow, and there's no way I would have let them witness me being unhappy. So I can't speak to the parenting angle at all.

 

I do think that you will need some time to yourself, just to live alone for a while. It's hard at first, because ... well, the devil you know and all that. You are about to exit the path of least resistance, and this takes moxie, courage and fortitude; you'll have friends and family members challenge your decision. To them, you must be strong.

 

But I know you can do it. I know. Nobody knows what's best for you except for you.

[Artie Lang]

i hope you will be honest with your husband and divorce him so he can be free of your constant betrayals.

 

i've read your previous threads and the affair really didn't end. in fact, it seems you never really tried to end it. even worse, you kept working with him when it was advised that you seek an "alternate" working environment. even if you don't end up together, i believe your husband would be better off on his own... you were never "all in" when it came to salvaging your marriage.

 

in short, i say you divorce either way.

[Poppy47]

Your post is all about you and you A partner.

 

If you want this so badly, I think you should go to counselling and work through how it will affect other people, before you do it. The consequences will be like ripples in a pond. It will go on and on for the rest of your lives in some form.

 

 

Poppy.

[LimeBlue]

Look at LimeBlue's post. Her MM doesn't even HAVE kids and he's still not leaving.

 

If you're smart, you'll let HIM leave first.

 

Yes, to the original poster of this thread (Tarnished), go and read my thread about this. The men don't leave. They stay stuck. In fact not only do they stay stuck, but in my case the MM is making up excuses now because he knows it is not me who he wants in his life in that way (if he did want to be with me, we would be together by now after over a year of the same nonsense - even though we did not see one another for 10 months in an attempt for him to fix his marriage and me fix mine). The fact is that he could leave. Today. Right now. He has the ability, the financials, the everything in order to leave. Yet he does not. He tells me it is hard, he is battling emotionally, etc etc, but I have come to realize these are all just excuses to keep me hanging whilst knowing full well he does not wish to leave his wife. It is as if, if he is honest with himself he would have to leave because it would make no sense to stay, but now he uses his marriage issues to stay as he is worried I will expect more should he leave. But he won't outright tell me that.

 

Let him leave first. That is what I am doing. Because if you leave your life as it is now, then he stays put, you may have thrown away a lot for nothing.

Edited November 18, 2015 by LimeBlue

[Artie Lang]

LimeBlue, if i may ask- why haven't you left your marriage? what's the difference if he doesn't leave his? you even posted that you question whether your husband is gay or not. in another post, you even said he "hates" you. why go on with such a relationship?

 

seems like you two are waiting each other out... each describing unbearable situations. even if you two don't end up together maybe you can end up with someone more compatible than your husband.

[Popsicle]

Some MM leave their M, but more often than not they don't leave, no matter what they have promised, so I would wait for him to leave his M first before I left mine for him. If you're planning to leave anyway without him, (as in, exit affair) then go ahead and leave, but don't leave FOR HIM, because he probably won't ever leave.

 

As for the children, they are young enough that they will adapt to the new life situation, but be sure to live alone first and that they see their father at least weekly.

[Midwestmissy]

I think the op should leave her marriage regardless. How horrific for her husband to find out he was plan b. For her to stay in her marriage just because her ap won't leave his is really gross to me, as a bs. Cut him loose so he can get on with his life. All this lack of decision making, conflict avoidance and ignoring of consequences will do more damage than any affair. Put on your big girl boots and do the right - and very difficult - thing for the father of your children.

[Sub]

Based on your backstory, OP, I don't think you leaving your own M should in any way hinge on what the MM does. Your H is aware of the A. You say you've been open with him. And this R with the MM has been on and off. You don't want to be in your M, so why not discuss D with your H? For the sake of him and your kids, you can focus on an amicable separation and healthy co-parenting...completely unrelated to what the MM does.

[Horton]

Yes I am lucky my husband took me back and is willing to work with me on rebuilding.

 

One thing I've realised in all of this is that my husband is a 1000 times the man my AP is and 'm doing all I can to make it up to him.

 

Gee how funny are you, Veronica Ross.

 

Yeah, I'm a troll.

 

A troll who this morning lay in bed in the foetal position, unable to stop crying, wracked with pain and guilt over what I've done to my husband, hurting because the OM won't acknowledge his part in the affair which makes me feel dirty and worthless.

 

Well since my last post everything has well and truly blown up!

 

After restarting our affair, MM ended it with me after his wife saw an email exchange between us and I tried to help him out by sending his wife an email to apologise and to tell her it was definitely over.

 

She told me I was a liar, etc etc and that he doesn't want me, etc. She said I had to stop chasing him - like I was some sexual predator stalking him (WTF!).

 

MM has turned out to be someone I never ever thought he could be - a very pathetic and scared little man with no balls whatsoever. I cornered him the other day on our way out of work and told him exactly what I thought of him and he looked like he was actually shaking with fear!

 

Now we all move on, although I suspect my husband and my marriage will recover a lot quicker and healthier than theirs ever will - how can it when not only did he betray her with an affair, he then continued to lie about it for 3 months even after she kept asking him. How could you ever trust someone like again...

 

I have suggested to my husband that I try and change jobs within my company, but he is against me doing that. He knows I love my job (after a long time of being very unhappy in previous roles) and he doesn't want me to have to make that sacrifice.

 

You don't know the relationship I have with my husband, but for what it's worth, we are doing well. He is accepting of what has happened and openly encourages me to talk to him about my feelings for ex AP, as well as to talk to ex AP if I need closure on things. He is a very mature man and knows that I need to deal with all aspects of the affair if he and I are going to recover and rebuild. I hide nothing any longer from husband. He has even spoken to the ex AP and his BS. I tell him of every interaction I have with ex AP, no matter how minimal.

 

I love my husband but even after all that has happened with the AP and his BS, I still can't help but love AP and feel like he is the one that got away. My husband knows all of this - he knows I have never passionately loved him like I love AP.

 

My husband is aware of my feelings for AP and is patiently waiting for me to get over him, which now I'll have no choice but to do.

 

To clarify a few things... My husband, whilst initially very angry and hurt over the A, has actually learnt alot about himself in the time since disclosure and realised he is quite turned on by the thought of me being with another man. I don't want an open marriage but I think he would be open to "adventures" if I agreed. For me the A was more about my attraction and feelings for the exMM as a person, rather than just wanting sex with someone different to my husband.

 

I just went and skimmed through your previous threads....

[cocorico]

My H left his M. He lived alone (with the kids) for a few months before I moved in with them. The kids were teens. They had been party to his decision to leave the M. This all makes a difference.

 

To the OP:

 

I don't recommend waiting for him to leave first, because he's likely doing the same,many that sets up an unhealthy dynamic. Who will blink first? Who is really serious? Who holds he power?

 

I also don't recommend leaving, and hoping MM will leave to so that you can become a "legit couple". He may never leave, and you will be frustrated, disappointed and aggrieved,many feel you took the hit and he wasn't prepared to put his money where his mouth was.

 

I also don't recommend staying in a M you're not fully committed to, "for the kids".

 

I do recommend - counselling. IC and MC, to find out where you really want to be. In your M, or not - those are the only two actual choices on the table. MM isn't an actual choice at this stage. He may become one, down the line, but he's not a choice yet. Decide now if you want to be in your M, or out of it.

 

If you want to stay in your M, then commit to it fully. Anything less not only sells your kids and your H short, it also sells you short. Do not stay in your M if you are not prepared to commit to it fully.

 

If you want to leave your M, then leave it. Leave it with no expectations of "happy ever after" with MM. Leave it for you, and for your kids and you H. Leave it because it is the right thing to do. Leave it because staying would be inauthentic. Leave it, and live a happy life alone, with your kids, and be open to whatever the future presents.

 

This should not be about MM. You have no control over what he might do, and nor should you. Decide for yourself, and let him decide for himself when - if - he is ready to do so.

[Got it]

Sigh. Yes some MM leave. Some MW leave. Some MM don't leave. Some MW don't leave. Please ignore anyone giving absolutes.

 

I did not have kids, I left my marriage first as I was planning to leave my marriage. Neither one of us left our marriage for the other person. And I can't emphasize that enough. Leaving your marriage should be based on the marriage and not about "leaving for someone else". If you are leaving FOR someone then don't leave. I agree, seek legal and mental counseling and make sure that this is the best decision. What your AP does is independent and separate from what you do. I left a few weeks after the affair started. I choose not to tell my ex husband about the affair

 

My AP left a year or so later. He has/had kids so was harder. He lived with me for a bit while he found a place to live though we did not integrate me with the kids at that time, he stayed elsewhere when he had them. He then moved into his own place and set up house and still keep us separate. We wanted him to focus on the kids and didn't want to have us meet until the divorce was finalized.

 

I finally met the kids after the divorce which was over a year later. We didn't push it and let the kids dictate the frequency. We got married a few years after that and have a great relationship with all the kids. We really took it slow with them, let them have the decision/power to control interactions, and I think slow and steady was the right approach for us. Even now, we still make sure that he has one on one time with the kids without me to continue fostering their relationship.

[Tarnished]

Thank you to all who offered constructive advice - I appreciate it very much.

 

And yes as pointed out by the person who kindly reposted my previous posts, my affair has been ongoing for over two years & is very confusing and highly complex & unusual in its nature, with two breakups & DDays along the way.

 

My husband knows everything that is going on & condones it to a degree - like I said it is a highly unusual situation.

 

It is only APs wife who does not know of the affair this time around but it is not for me or my husband to tell her.

 

No decision to leave on either side will be taken lightly, regardless of whether we leave to be together, or just leave our unhappy marriages & go it alone. Our kids are uppermost in our minds despite what some might believe & voiced here...