Entered a LDR right at the start of a relationship, now she's having cold feet

[unsaze]

I was dating this girl for a few months, with it getting more serious towards the end of the summer. Just as we start to feel really strongly about each other, I had to leave for college this september(final year), which meant we were both unsure as to what if we were entering a relationship which was a bit of mistake.

 

At the start I didn't see it as much of an issue since lots of people at college have girlfriend's back home (we live 2 hours away), and I was in my final year so I'd move back home once I'd graduated, and I'd still get to see her at least once a month and more over the christmas and easter etc. And we were still in that honey moon period so it was happy times.

 

But then she started with these niggling doubts about how she 'misses me too much, it doesn't feel like a real relationship, I'm not there when she needs me,' etc. and I tried to reassure her to stay positive and always made plans with her for next time so we had something to look forward to.

 

When I came to see her earlier this month, things were great in the moment but then as soon as I left again we were back to square one.

 

The start of this week was normal, where she was saying how much she wishes I was here to make her feel better. But then it got to the point last night where she was saying 'what's the point of making this work, you're not even my boyfriend, we haven't been in a stable relationship for long enough to go long distance, i still like you but i don't know what i want'

 

So i told her i want to come back and see her this weekend to sort everything out, but she changed her mind and refused and said even though she wants to see me, we'll be back to square one when i leave again. She said we should reassess it over the christmas period instead after she's had time to think how she feels

 

I asked her if she wants to stay in contact in the meantime and she said yes, but I don't know if this is a good idea. I want to make her miss me, if she's being truthful about her feelings, so if we keep chatting as normal would that prevent that? - As I noticed she started to be slightly less responsive towards then end of the week, when all this came out.

 

I know this isn't looking good at all and she's probably trying to let me down slowly without hurting my feelings because she just doesn't see it working, but I want to try anything possible to rectify it and do the right thing without appearing needy or pressuring her. So should I just give her space and not speak to her until next month when we planned to talk about it?

 

Sorry for the length...

[d0nnivain]

She thought she could handle the distance but she can't. Let her go.

 

When you graduate & move back home (if you do), look her up. If you are both free, try again in a more conventional setting.

[unsaze]

Ok, thanks. but should i give her space by not speaking for a while?

 

was thinking of saying something along the lines of 'i respect that you need some space and time to think so think it would be a best for us to not speak to each other over the next few weeks, but i'll be here for you if you need to talk'

 

or is this a bad idea?

[d0nnivain]

I think "space" is stupid. Giving somebody the silent treatment makes them feel abandoned & frustrated.

 

Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? See her then. Propose that you hang out when you are home if you are both free, NSA, but that while you are at school all bets are off & you are both free to do & see whomever. Tell her you are willing to try again when you graduate (if you plan on coming home.) If you get a job elsewhere, don't bother.

[RecentChange]

2 hours? Why just once a month? I practically cover that much ground on my daily commute!

 

I was in a LDR for the last 6 months of college, but we were separated by 400 miles. We saw each other at least every other weekend (but often every weekend, I had a 4 day school schedule).

 

I don't think youth (and youthful libido!) Should be wasted on LDRs.

[unsaze]

I think "space" is stupid. Giving somebody the silent treatment makes them feel abandoned & frustrated.

 

Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? See her then. Propose that you hang out when you are home if you are both free, NSA, but that while you are at school all bets are off & you are both free to do & see whomever. Tell her you are willing to try again when you graduate (if you plan on coming home.) If you get a job elsewhere, don't bother.

 

I was determined to come down and see her this weekend to sort everything out which at first she agreed to, but then said no as then we would be back to 'square one' once i left, and she wants more time to think about how she feels until I come back for christmas.

 

Yes i have tried to tell her that it's only a stop gap, and we'll have all the time to do stuff together over christmas and then after we graduate, but for her that's just too far away to even think about and because we haven't been in a stable relationship long enough before it went long distance she feels we need to focus on the present rather than the future

 

We were both looking forward to spending time with each other over christmas, and had plans for new years and everything, but since all these doubts have come up, i'm not so sure what's going to happen.

[unsaze]

Ok, so i ended up seeing her this weekend. weirdly, everything went well, almost too well and we couldn't let go of each other towards the end.

 

But it feels like what she didn't want to happen i.e. being back to square one again, has happened. And that once that oxytocin rush wears off from us being close again she'll be back to feeling confused and unsure, argh i don't know what to make of it, at least i'll be back for a month and a bit in a few weeks and can sort things out.

[laurah]

Here's what you do in my opinion because I was in a Long-distance relationship recently that turned into a local relationship when I moved in with him recently so I think I can help a bit. I'll tell you my story first for an example. So I started dating people online on a site called ok cupid some months ago. I met a few people but no one that really clicked until one day I did. He messaged me first and said he was interested in talking to me so I started to talk to him. We seemed to like a lot of the same stuff and he said would you want to date me. So I took a look at his profile and I saw his location. It said Texas and I was in Indiana. I always had a rule about not dating anyone too far away from me. So I told him that he's too far away from me and it would be hard to have a relationship or even dating. He said he realizes that but there are lots of people who do it and they make it work. He said he would treat me good cause he was raised right and we would make it work. I said idk. He said I do. It will be fine. So I took a chance and started seriously talking to him. We kik'ed each other (a form of texting--an app) and skyped the following day. We talked for hours without running out of things to talk about. Over the month we got really close to each other and our texts were getting romantic. Then he said when are you going to come visit me? I wanna see you so bad. I said as soon as I can I'll come and get the money together for airfaire. Then right before I was leaving in august to come there he said this: even if you were not coming at all I would still feel the same way about you. I love you very much and would always want to be with you. that will never change. So I came there and we really hit it off even more in person and I was sad when I had to leave to go back home. Deep down I didn't want to leave. I got home and the distance was just killing me. I hated being without him but I learned to cope pretty well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept telling myself that soon enough I will be moving there and will be with him permanently. But soon enough was in January and we had trouble waiting that long. So I ended coming down there in October and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing.Our relationship is going really well and I am extremely happy I'm here with him. He was worth the wait. (btw as I'm typing this he's going nuts. lol) So my point of that story. Long-distance relationships are not easy. they're hard. in my opinion they're harder than a relationship where the people live close to each other. you can't see the person and physically touch them. But if you really love the person it's worth the wait in the end. If the outcome would be you being very happy and in love then I say go for it. Idk how far along your feelings are for each other at this time. only you know that. Just know what lies ahead when your going to be apart. I was 988 miles or so away from my fiancee and the distance was killing me but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I didn't agree to date him then I would have never met him and be living with him. I would've passed up the guy of my dreams. Sometimes the temporary pain we go through is worth it if the end outcome is something that we long for. To help with the distance you could send her hand written cards/ letters. Send personalized care packages. (For example: I sent patrick a video game care package. I put some video games in there along with a video game tee-shirt and a zelda watch. and shipped it to his house.) the little things you do for her and she does for you will help with the longing to see them and the distance. If the weekend went well then that's a good sign. maybe you should try to make things work between you two. Well your not at square one if you decide what to do one way or another.

 

here's some questions you should ask yourself:

1. Do you love her and does she love you?

2. Is this a relationship you could see yourself being in? because if it turns into an LDR it will be hard. It won't be easy.

3. what could you do to fix the problem(s) you are having?

4. Do you want to start an LDR with her or just break-up with her and move on?

 

Here's a link about coping with a LDR: How to Cope With A Long Distance Relationship | eHow

[laurah]

Here's what you do in my opinion because I was in a Long-distance relationship recently that turned into a local relationship when I moved in with him recently so I think I can help a bit. I'll tell you my story first for an example. So I started dating people online on a site called ok cupid some months ago. I met a few people but no one that really clicked until one day I did. He messaged me first and said he was interested in talking to me so I started to talk to him. We seemed to like a lot of the same stuff and he said would you want to date me. So I took a look at his profile and I saw his location. It said Texas and I was in Indiana. I always had a rule about not dating anyone too far away from me. So I told him that he's too far away from me and it would be hard to have a relationship or even dating. He said he realizes that but there are lots of people who do it and they make it work. He said he would treat me good cause he was raised right and we would make it work. I said idk. He said I do. It will be fine. So I took a chance and started seriously talking to him. We kik'ed each other (a form of texting--an app) and skyped the following day. We talked for hours without running out of things to talk about. Over the month we got really close to each other and our texts were getting romantic. Then he said when are you going to come visit me? I wanna see you so bad. I said as soon as I can I'll come and get the money together for airfaire. Then right before I was leaving in august to come there he said this: even if you were not coming at all I would still feel the same way about you. I love you very much and would always want to be with you. that will never change. So I came there and we really hit it off even more in person and I was sad when I had to leave to go back home. Deep down I didn't want to leave. I got home and the distance was just killing me. I hated being without him but I learned to cope pretty well. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I kept telling myself that soon enough I will be moving there and will be with him permanently. But soon enough was in January and we had trouble waiting that long. So I ended coming down there in October and I couldn't be happier. I love him so much and wouldn't change a thing.Our relationship is going really well and I am extremely happy I'm here with him. He was worth the wait. (btw as I'm typing this he's going nuts. lol) So my point of that story. Long-distance relationships are not easy. they're hard. in my opinion they're harder than a relationship where the people live close to each other. you can't see the person and physically touch them. But if you really love the person it's worth the wait in the end. If the outcome would be you being very happy and in love then I say go for it. Idk how far along your feelings are for each other at this time. only you know that. Just know what lies ahead when your going to be apart. I was 988 miles or so away from my fiancee and the distance was killing me but I wouldn't change it for anything. If I didn't agree to date him then I would have never met him and be living with him. I would've passed up the guy of my dreams. Sometimes the temporary pain we go through is worth it if the end outcome is something that we long for. To help with the distance you could send her hand written cards/ letters. Send personalized care packages. (For example: I sent patrick a video game care package. I put some video games in there along with a video game tee-shirt and a zelda watch. and shipped it to his house.) the little things you do for her and she does for you will help with the longing to see them and the distance. If the weekend went well then that's a good sign. maybe you should try to make things work between you two. Well your not at square one if you decide what to do one way or another.

 

here's some questions you should ask yourself:

1. Do you love her and does she love you?

2. Is this a relationship you could see yourself being in? because if it turns into an LDR it will be hard. It won't be easy.

3. what could you do to fix the problem(s) you are having?

4. Do you want to start an LDR with her or just break-up with her and move on?

 

Here's a link about coping with a LDR: How to Cope With A Long Distance Relationship | eHow