My FIANCE?? I want out! What happened?

[notperfect25]

Hi, I have been lurking for awhile and reading -great board!

 

I have some concerns with my current relationship and I will try to break it all up in to understandable mumble.

 

I am almost 25- he is 23, we are engaged since Feb have been together for 20 months.

He and I fight incessantly. He used to be so sensitive and understanding and I guess you could say he spoiled me. Now he is completely the opposite of everything that I fell in love with. WE live together and have for almost a year. Since then, he changed! We dont have sex anymore, he just isnt interested in me at all. (he isnt cheating) I know that much, he works nights and He doesnt have time to cheat he is either asleep or at work. His days off are hell for me all we do is argue, give each other the silent treatment, or just avoid each other altogether.

 

I dont know what to do-- we signed a lease together and we bought my car together a couple of months ago. STUCK! We are engaged as I said earlier, but when I try to bring up stuff about the wedding such as dates, places, themes, he wont even talk to me about it totally unattached. Our lease is up in August and I m ready to give up. I love him to death but I cant handle the fighting all the time. He makes rude smart A55 comments all the time. When I try to talk to him about anything it turns into a huge fight.

 

I know that I cant marry this person.. and I wish there was a way that I could just seperate from him for awhile- make him realize somethings that Im not just going to take it. He is the type though, very immature- if I left for a few days and went and stayed with a friend (to give him time) I think he would move out of our Apt and go home to his parents. Im 500 miles away from my family its easy for him just to go home I cant do that. Which means that the lease will have to be broken I cant afford the Apartment on my own. I think he would make a rash decision if I decided a little time away would do us good. AM I making any sense here??

 

I guess I want OUT, but Im afraid! Like I said he can go back home to his parents I cant. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and they love him. I dont have any where to go, dont have money to break the lease, Im stuck. Thanks for reading.

[billybadass36]

Whose name is the lease in? If it's in his name, just leave. If it's in both of your names, then you're both jointly responsible for lease payments regardless of who lives there. If it's in your name only, then you're on the hook till August.

 

Just don't marry this guy out of convenience or because of financial pressures. Sounds like my previous engagement about 9 years ago. I thank God that we never got married.

[morrigan]

What's scarier for you long term--being honest with him now or staying in a situation you feel trapped in? You have some financial entanglements with this guy, but it will be easier to get out of them now, than if you were unhappily married to him. I'd be honest with your boyfriend that you feel things are not working out, and that you should mutually end the relationship. It's going to be messy, but I doubt you want to get further financially entrenched with this guy.

 

As your lease is up in August, start looking now for other places you could rent on your own, or attempt to find a good friend/family member who could be a roommate. Do you have any family/friends who would let you stay with them and pay some amount of rent until you could find your own place? As for the car, if you can afford the fee, go privately to a lawyer and ask what the loan payments/ownership of the car would be.

[simon_uk]

Originally posted by billybadass36

Whose name is the lease in? If it's in his name, just leave. If it's in both of your names, then you're both jointly responsible for lease payments regardless of who lives there. If it's in your name only, then you're on the hook till August.

 

No! Dont just leave! Why should he be left to pay on his own just because she isn't happy? You need to talk about it and tell him that if you don't sort things out then you will leave. Do not just leave it all to him to sort out. How unfair is that? You wouldn't be happy if he did that to you I am sure. You need to discuss things and tell him your concerns and intentions.

[notperfect25]

The lease and the car is in both of our names. unfortunately, it will cost about 2000 to break the lease. His parents would probably pay his part to get him out of it. Again I dont have that luxury. I think the lease is the only thing that is holding us together.

 

I think what I have decided to do is ask him nicely tonight to go to parents house and just leave me alone. For the month of June( trial seperation) to see where his head and heart are. I know my heart isnt in it anymore. But I will wait until he pays his portion of the rent. maybe within that time he will either realize that he loves me and wants to be nice to me again or he will realize that he does want away from me. I dont know what else to do. I want the whole month to be no contact hard as it will be for me.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[notperfect 25]

Originally posted by simon_uk

No! Dont just leave! Why should he be left to pay on his own just because she isn't happy? You need to talk about it and tell him that if you don't sort things out then you will leave. Do not just leave it all to him to sort out. How unfair is that? You wouldn't be happy if he did that to you I am sure. You need to discuss things and tell him your concerns and intentions.

 

I will not leave him with the lease.. I wouldnt do that to him or anyone else. I think he would me though. He knows I dont have any where to go. He also knows he can go home and I cant.

[notperfect25]

Originally posted by morrigan

What's scarier for you long term--being honest with him now or staying in a situation you feel trapped in? You have some financial entanglements with this guy, but it will be easier to get out of them now, than if you were unhappily married to him. I'd be honest with your boyfriend that you feel things are not working out, and that you should mutually end the relationship. It's going to be messy, but I doubt you want to get further financially entrenched with this guy.

 

As your lease is up in August, start looking now for other places you could rent on your own, or attempt to find a good friend/family member who could be a roommate. Do you have any family/friends who would let you stay with them and pay some amount of rent until you could find your own place? As for the car, if you can afford the fee, go privately to a lawyer and ask what the loan payments/ownership of the car would be.

 

I have someone who is willing to let me stay with them rent free basically. But I dont feel comfortable doing that. I wouldnt feel comfortable having my kids there .. lots of things. Its hard to find a roomate that is ok with having my kids around. But, Im sure there are some out there I just have to look. One of us can stay in the Apartment till the lease is up.. its not that much longer, it would be silly to break the lease right now. But we cant stay in it together anymore thats for sure.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by simon_uk

No! Dont just leave! Why should he be left to pay on his own just because she isn't happy? You need to talk about it and tell him that if you don't sort things out then you will leave. Do not just leave it all to him to sort out. How unfair is that? You wouldn't be happy if he did that to you I am sure. You need to discuss things and tell him your concerns and intentions.

 

 

WHAT?????? Yes leave!!! Just do it legally. Talk to the manager. Talk to him. Talk to a lawyer. Whatever. But dont stick it out. If you arent happy,...get out. Simon...........how the hell can you tell someone who is NOT happy to stay because "its not fair" to someone else? SO what???? She should stay and be miserable??? Okay. Now.......not perfect,....(by the way,..you picked a THE perfect name) what you are now witnessing is the REAL him. You NEVER move in with someone in the lovey dovey stages of a relationship!!!!!!!!!!! Thats when we are on our BEST behavior. Thats NOT the real us. That "sex all the time"..."Oh my God, he totally GETS me"......"we NEVER argue" stage is the beginning. The COURTING part. We always LOOOOVE that part. But you dont move in during that stage. ANd you certainly dont go into major purchases with someone in that stage. YOu dont even do that with a BOYFRIEND of a longtime. Thats for marriage and only marriage. You dont put your name on a lease WITH ANYONE unless you can cover the rent by yourself should the other person leave. You got sucked in by puppylove. You need to have a serious mature talk with this guy. Try and do this in an adult fashion. So that you arent doing things to eachother just to DO things to eachother out of spite.

[notperfect25]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

WHAT?????? Yes leave!!! Just do it legally. Talk to the manager. Talk to him. Talk to a lawyer. Whatever. But dont stick it out. If you arent happy,...get out. Simon...........how the hell can you tell someone who is NOT happy to stay because "its not fair" to someone else? SO what???? She should stay and be miserable??? Okay. Now.......not perfect,....(by the way,..you picked a THE perfect name) what you are now witnessing is the REAL him. You NEVER move in with someone in the lovey dovey stages of a relationship!!!!!!!!!!! Thats when we are on our BEST behavior. Thats NOT the real us. That "sex all the time"..."Oh my God, he totally GETS me"......"we NEVER argue" stage is the beginning. The COURTING part. We always LOOOOVE that part. But you dont move in during that stage. ANd you certainly dont go into major purchases with someone in that stage. YOu dont even do that with a BOYFRIEND of a longtime. Thats for marriage and only marriage. You dont put your name on a lease WITH ANYONE unless you can cover the rent by yourself should the other person leave. You got sucked in by puppylove. You need to have a serious mature talk with this guy. Try and do this in an adult fashion. So that you arent doing things to eachother just to DO things to eachother out of spite.

 

Thanks for the reply and the advice and what you said makes alot of since. Of course hindsight is always 20/20. I dislike the real him and cant spend the rest of my life with the real him. As far as breaking the lease the only way to do it Legally is pay $2000, which I dont have . So my only option right now is to stay until the lease is over both of us tolerate one another just till august. Not "be together" but still live there and keep paying the bills.

[notperfect25]

ok I have been replying to these post but, It hasnt shown up yet. Because I was a Guest. Now I registered hopefully they will show up soon.

[simon_uk]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

You need to have a serious mature talk with this guy. Try and do this in an adult fashion. So that you arent doing things to eachother just to DO things to eachother out of spite.

 

Exactly! scarleyjones did you read my post? Thats what I said, have a talk with him. I am not saying she should stay if she is not happy. I am saying she shouldn't just leave without telling him and leave all the bills for him to sort out. That is NOT fair and that is what billybadass implied she do in his post.

[notperfect25]

Originally posted by simon_uk

Exactly! Thats what I said, have a talk with him. I am not saying she should stay if she is not happy. I am saying she shouldn't just leave without telling him and leave all the bills for him to sort out. That is NOT fair and that is what you implied she do in your first message.

 

I replied to this already but it didnt show yet... Again I wouldnt just leave him with the bills. He would probably do that to me I can see him just packing up and leaving. When I try to talk to this man it turns into a huge argument and nothing gets settled. He just starts pointing fingers and finds ways to place the blame on me. I have tryed and tryed to "talk it out" it doesnt get me anywhere except more frustrated. Or the usual well I will try to fix it and then its good for a week and then back to the same **** all over again.

[morrigan]

I doubt anything will be settled with this guy--just more of the same BS. You need to put your children and yourself first, even if it means moving out and leaving him.

 

As Billybadass posted, if you are both on the lease, you're going to have to make a decision who stays/who goes, or at least live together until August. If your bf moves out before then, try to find a temporary roommate until the lease ends.

 

I don't know anything about mutual ownership of a car, I'd say to go to an attorney and see what your options are. Hope everything turns out OK.

[scarlyjones]

Yes,...Simon,...........sorry about that. I read your post more closely after the fact. Sorry..... anyways........................yeah,.. I did exactly that four years ago. I fell for this guy...........we moved in together,..........he showed the real HIM...........and I showed the real ME.........he was dirt........I was water.........together, we made mud. I tried to just ride it out. More like "Ride the Lightening" but alas,....we could not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He threw things at me.......I dodged flying things......we had a real give and take relationship.................he'd GIVE me lots of sh*t..............and I wouldnt TAKE it. ANyway............I finally took the $ hit and left. I immediately felt better.

[Guest]

Actually, if both of your names are on the lease, even though you are both responsible, it doesn't break down to you being responsible for 50% and him the other. If he doesn't pay his half then it goes on both of your credit, and the owner of the apartment can sue YOU for "his half". So, be VERY careful about getting stuck with the rent.

 

As far as the car, maybe ya'll could sell it. Unfortunately it's rare to be able to sell a car for what you owe on it within a few months of purchasing it. Check kelly blue book for it's value.

 

Good luck!!

[another guest]

Wow, my situation is very similar. I have 6 more months left on our lease. We have been together about 3 years, engaged for 6 months. He's super controlling, super insecure, and jealous and possessive. I want out, but the lease and my job have kept me here.

I am leaving in a few weeks. He doesn't know it. I am going to pay the apartment my half for the next 6 months and live with my mom and/or dad, who live 4 hours away. I'll have to find a new job and leave a lot of my friends.

But when you get to this point, you just have to go. The longer you wait, the more you doubt your decision. I know...esp. since my fiance is super manipulative. I said I wanted to take a break, he said no. He is pushing me to plan the wedding in the next 2 months, and it's over a year away. He has been super sweet, and it's been sickening the way he's sucking up. He even starts to tear up for no reason, and says he's coming to terms with his sensitive side.

And I've tried the "serious talk" thing. It resulted in him going completely hysterical and grabbing my leg begging me not to leave.

I love what morrigan said: "What's scarier for you long term--being honest with him now or staying in a situation you feel trapped in? You have some financial entanglements with this guy, but it will be easier to get out of them now, than if you were unhappily married to him."

Get out.