Feeling Hopeless About Relationships. Considering Suicide.

[TheBathWater]

I get that this is probably the dumbest title, but I don't know how else to express right now the kinds of feelings I've been struggling with.

 

I've posted here in the past about family issues and how I don't really have much of one. The basic supports that many people have, I simply don't. I have some acquaintances, but no close friends, and when I do try to make those connections and deepen things, I get the cold shoulder.

 

Dating is obviously an issue as well. I have no problem getting dates or even getting laid, and once in a while it seems like I might be gaining traction with something serious, but I have not had an LTR since my mid-twenties (I'm 32 now).

 

I'm a good looking guy, successful, multi-talented and with many interests, physically fit/healthy, a good communicator, etc... I really don't feel there is anything 'bad' or 'wrong' with me.

 

The fact that I keep on struggling in this way though leads me to believe that I will simply be alone and without intimate relationships for the rest of my life. I would settle for a good friendship at this point. I think I just haven't had good luck in relationships, and maybe this is how it's going to turn out for me.

 

Recently, I tried contacting a few acquaintances and letting them in on the fact I hadn't been feeling like myself, that things weren't going well (I recently lost an aunt this week too), and needed someone to talk to. I get a lot of "let me get back to you" kind of responses and then nothing. Friends are non-existent. Dating goes nowhere. I simply cannot bear being this alone while alive.

 

I am considering suicide now. I don't have a plan or feel like this is something I'm going to do tomorrow, but it's getting bad. I have a therapist, but don't feel like that can 'fix' my loneliness issues and give me a relationship. I am starting to feel this is my fate, and wondering at what point do I go on ahead and follow through?

 

If you've been here before, please let me know how you coped, if things worked out, what you did, etc... I cannot remember feeling at the end of my rope quite this bad since I was a teenager.

[d0nnivain]

I too had a dysfunctional family & felt ostracized at many points in my life. Therapy helped A LOT. It helped me develop & deepen interpersonal relationship. Being active also helped.

 

 

Although I think I'm reasonably well adjusted, I was at an event over the weekend where I didn't really know anybody. Nobody was friendly even though we all there for the same reason. I tried introducing myself because I'm not exactly shy, but half these people didn't even offer their names.

 

 

Had a been a different person I may have concluded it was me when in fact it was their rudeness.

 

 

So hang in there until you find your niche. Keep looking but do find a mental health professional to talk to.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Not too many things are worse than death.

 

Unless you believe in a Nirvana afterlife.

 

Unless you are in constant pain. Or maybe homeless with no hope of turning it around.

 

 

Think about all the things you like to do in life and think about you won't be able to do them anymore if you are dead. Done? Good.

 

I'm starting to put into motion the plan for the next 30 years of my life without women planned out if that's how if pans out. If I make it that far...

Edited November 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude troll call-out~T

[bluefeather]

If you've been here before, please let me know how you coped, if things worked out, what you did, etc...

 

I came here and read, and read, and read. So many other stories of desperation and loneliness... So many have gone through similar feelings. I found comfort in this very much.

 

I ate my favorite foods. I would get delivery at least every weekend and pick a movie to watch while I ate it. At first I was worried that I might feel more depressed, but I would get so immersed in the movie, I would feel like I was somewhere else, and the good food helped.

 

Sometimes I would put music on and just dance. Dance by myself. Do you ever do that? I never did. It was like meeting a new part of myself.

 

Last but certainly not least... I talked to God. Every night in bed. I cried to God. I laughed with God. And then I fell asleep. If you're not spiritual, look into it. If you've already looked into it, look into it again, with new eyes and a heart that wishes to love and to be loved. Because love is out there for you. I don't know you, but I know that you deserve it. It's out there, so keep going.

[SwordofFlame]

I too go on a fair number of dates that don't work out. I keep telling myself that the next first date might potentially be the last first date I'll need to go on. Because you only need to find one person.

[lino]

Definitely DO make all the effort you can to make some close and valuable friends. They'll be more loyal to you than any woman ever will be.

[StBreton]

Lots of great advice given already so I'll make a few recommendations

I got divorced last year. Reinventing my life has had its ups and downs with many laughs along the way. I try not to focus on the sad times but they've been there. All I've known for almost 20 years was being part of a couple...I feel quite lost a lot. But...I have taken the time to broaden my interests as well as deepen my activity level with the interests I already have.

 

One of my "things" is tennis ... I do tournaments, take lessons, and have made some fun friends doing this as well as deepened my friendship with a girlfriend who is as into tennis as I am but she just hadn't done it in years ... because she had no one to do it with! Along I came. You see Tuna ... there are people out there like you who are also looking for a connection. You have to put yourself out there and find them.

 

Is it possible that you are putting off vibes that you aren't open to a deeper level of friendship? Do you have a light playful side to your personality that's inviting?

 

Have you thought about hiring a dating coach? I'm serious about this.

 

Please do not think that ending your life is the answer to anything. You are on this Earth to learn something and I'm thinking there's a lot more to learn. Have you ever watched the movie "It's a Wonderful Life"? i highly recommend it.

 

Volunteer somewhere for the holidays. People need you out there. If you've got some extra $ buy something on a Christmas Angel tree at the mall ... your life has value! Have you thought of being a Big Brother to a child? I signed up to be a Big Sister.

Edited November 18, 2015 by StBreton

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Sincerely. I feel like you need to reach out even though you feel that you've tried and failed. I think you're feeling isolated and that's hurting you. Would you call a suicide hot line? Those people are good at talking you through things. You are so young. You have so many things in your life ahead of you that you don't even have an inkling about right now. Even though you can't feel that anything good is possible.

 

This is not the suggestion that anybody wants to hear - but how about getting some counseling.

 

People here care about you even if we don't know you

[darkbloom]

I'd be your friend! Reach out and talk to new people. You can never have too many friends. There are good people out there that can support you when you need it.

 

I posted in another thread about the aftershocks of suicide in my life. It has so many unintended consequences for everyone you leave behind.

[truthtripper]

For the first half of my life, I had lots of friends. It was a time of great suffering for me(and it still is now) but I tried to keep"happy" and in denial about my childhood abuse. People loved me for the happy, fake facade I was pulling for so many years. I used to be the life of the party, but when my panic attacks started, my friends began to drop me, one by one. The more I delved deeper into myself through therapy, the more friends I lost. I have tried to make new friends but I find that most people, most of the time, interact on relatively superficial levels. Sure, we can discuss our personal problems, but I feel that no one really wants to dig deep and get to the bottom of what causes their pain, which makes me feel so isolated with my own pain. I guess I'm looking for empathy, but can't find it, as other people don't relate to me. I love a good joke and can have plenty of fun, but am craving depth in relationships.

 

You mention that you attempted to talk to friends about your feelings. The dismissive reactions you got are normal. From my experience, it's highly unusual that a friend will stop to listen. They can't cope, period. When it comes to deep emotions, sadly, we have to take them to the therapist. The average person doesn't have the skills to deal with them and so, don't know how to be there for you or what to say.

 

I joined a support group for adults abused in childhood. It has been very helpful, but I have a personality clash with the convenor, so had to stop going. But, if you can find some sort of group where you can express your feelings in an empathic and caring environment, this is a good place to start making friends.

[Acacia98]

I can't say that I've been exactly where you are. But, at some level, I can certainly relate.

 

I know what it's like to want to meet someone with whom you can share your life but fail to meet anyone suitable (not because there's something horribly wrong with me or the guys I meet-we're just not a good match). I know what it's like to realize that most of your friends are not really friends (for whatever reason : they may be overwhelmed by their own lives, they may be self-centered, they may really just be friendly acquaintances, etc.). This is actually my current situation. And yes, I do feel lonely from time to time. And it's not a good feeling. And you know what? This may be my "fate." I don't quite fit in in my community: my beliefs and the way I live my life are out of sync with what's considered conventional-that minimizes my chances of finding "Mr. Right". And I've traveled so much over the years that most of my close friends are now living in other countries.

 

Sometimes that's just the way it is. It doesn't mean you've failed. It means that's just the way things are right now. Life is constantly in flux, so one thing or another is bound to change sooner or later. Do you have a deadline hanging over your head? Maybe you want to be married by a certain age? If you do, that may just make things harder for you.

 

My suggestions to you:

1. Continue to see the counselor.

2. Accept and make peace with being single and not having many friends. Funnily enough, a lot of the time, accepting a ****ty situation makes it possible to see it for what it really is (as opposed to viewing it as a personal failure on your part) and eventually come out of it. Try to imagine ways in which you can live a meaningful life and pursue happiness even without a life partner/ close friend.

3. I notice that when you described yourself, you didn't really describe your emotional self, i.e. who you are when it's just you being you in your own company. You seemed to describe yourself as being the things that society tells us make us desirable to others (I'm a good looking guy, successful, multi-talented and with many interests, physically fit/healthy, a good communicator, etc.). Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I get the impression that you've put a lot into performing on the public stage that your life is. I wonder whether you've invested much in being "off-stage", i.e. just getting to know yourself and to accept yourself and like yourself. In my case, spirituality and religion have helped me to do those kinds of things. In your case, I don't know if you're religious or spiritual, so I can't automatically recommend that. But maybe, in addition to counseling, you can consider meditation and self-reflection exercises and practices.

[Maggie4]

I don't think you're in a good shape to date. People sense your suicide thoughts and stay away. Also, dating itself is rough, it cannot withstand the burden of someone who is lonely. I know it's counterintuitive. Most people think of getting a gf/bf when they are lonely. But actually you have a more successful relationship when you are not lonely to begin with.

You know that saying, when you laugh, the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone. People are attracted to positive energy. Maybe you can start by finding friendship first.

[Redfisher]

Snap out of it Dude....Chin up and all that crap.

[casey.lives]

What i learned is that relationships are relations that take you somewhere... it's not about depth or authenticity, it's about mobility. It is said that you can count your true friends in one hand when you die.. so... you're no exception. Take relationships for what they really are... tools. Suicide is very sentimental for a sentimental soul.. hopefully the feeling is just passing.. like a ship in the night. mm : )

Edited November 18, 2015 by casey.lives

[ZA Dater]

I felt roughly the same as you a few weeks ago. Utter, utter hopelessness.

 

 

My advice is the following

: draw up a list of things to be thankful for

: read it each day

: change your mind set from negative to positive.

: just embrace who you are, be yourself and don't worry about what others think.

: keep busy with pretty much anything.

: talk to random people.

 

 

For me the above really helped. What also helped was to see the positive in things, yes, I don't have what I want know but who is to say I wont get it in future?

[regine_phalange]

I don't know what to say to help.

 

But be sure, things in your life will change without you even expecting it... Nothing stays as it is, as long as you're in the middle of the soft current called "life". I've witnessed things changing seemingly in an instant. Today is bad, but tomorrow you may find yourself meeting the woman of your life. Or you may simply be surprised to find out you're equipped with newfound strength and zest for life. Or you may find a new friend who'll inspire a strange kind of fullfillment that you never knew you'll ever feel.

 

I've been in a very dark place. Enough depression to make me suicidal at least couple times per month and enough PTSD for me to feel in my bones that I'm going to die when I wakeup in the middle of the night and doing some really odd things, to a degree that I could easily pass for an insane person.

 

I met a new person in the middle of this breakdown, who couldn't have been kinder to me. He's kind because he can understand me. And he can understand me because he's been struggling himself, having been through some serious sh*t that would leave anyone struggling. Sometimes people with issues need love and closeness more than anyone else. I had to meet a person with issues to feel appreciated. He's the first person ever to appreciate me being gentle, discreet and soft, you know, three qualities that are seen as weakness in the corporate western culture.

 

I don't know why exactly I brought this up. Probably to point out to you that you're still loveable, even if you don't feel pleased with where you are in life right now.

 

Another example about how people can change without noticing is the following. I didn't do a hobby of mine for about a decade.. When I resumed it, I was astonished to find out that I had gotten better at it, without even touching it or thinking about it the whole time. Other people confessed this with amazement as well.

 

This is the magic of being human, you're never standing still even when you think you are. There are so many beautiful things inside you that you aren't even aware of... You deserve to find love and everything beautiful, it just won't come to you every day. And here's a supportive hug for you.

[Imajerk17]

Look man,

 

I think the time of year that we are currently in, is relevant. It's the holiday season in the United States, where everyone is "supposed to be" full of joy and and cheer and happiness as they enjoy cozy gatherings with loved ones. Both families AND romantic loves. Any unhappiness or loneliness or alienation we are prone to be feeling, due to things not going our way in dating or not having the relationships we want w family and friends, right now is magnified.

 

I think in reality, the next 6 weeks or so are quite a tough time for many people. Quite a few are looking forward to January 2nd.

 

Please take heart. You're not this loser who "has something weird and wrong with him". Other people around you of any age are dealing with interpersonal issues and problems too. Things will get better for you. Hell you could meet the woman of your dreams tomorrow. I wouldn't be that surprised if this happened to you and you fully connect w someone soon.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Imajerk17

[SOB86]

I'm in a similar mental state as you. I've several things have gone very wrong in the last couple months for me. I've thought about killing myself many times and have been through things that other people have killed themselves over.

 

 

I try to think about the good things I would have missed out on if I had killed myself five or ten years ago. The friends/relationships I would have missed even if they were only short lived. Because I know there might be more around the corner.

 

 

Looking down the road I know things are going to get ****tier for me before they get better. Honestly it will be a year or more before I can finally pull my life out of the nose dive it's in now.

 

 

The world doesn't care if you live or die; are happy or sad. However you can't let the world beat you. You can't let it win. So keep living. That's the best "screw you" you can give to the world.

 

 

You are going to die some day and when you do that's all the time you get. So why rush it?

[Robert]

Moderator note:

 

I moved this thread to our Coping section and suggest, if necessary, taking a look at the pinned thread at the top of the sub-forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/475952-suicide-hotlines

 

Thank you,

~6

[Heatherknows]

I am considering suicide now. I don't have a plan or feel like this is something I'm going to do tomorrow, but it's getting bad. I have a therapist, but don't feel like that can 'fix' my loneliness issues and give me a relationship. I am starting to feel this is my fate, and wondering at what point do I go on ahead and follow through?

 

 

That is serious. You need to get help ASAP. Really.

Here is a link that has helped me:

Christopher Germer, PhD, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; clinical psychologist specializing in the application of Buddhist psychology and meditation to alleviate difficult emotions in psychotherapy and everyday life.

[LoverOfDance]

I really understand what you're going through. I've been leaving thousands of miles away from my family for over 7 years now. I live alone and for a few years I had no close friends. I've never been in a relationship and don't believe in hook ups or casual relationships so I've been by myself most of the time. This is not a sad thing for me because I tend to look at the positives of being by myself rather than the negatives. It's really not so bad if you know how to be by yourself and still enjoy life. You need to learn to appreciate the little things. Go out more. Explore by yourself. I have hobbies so I'm around ppl a lot which is good for my health and sanity.

 

Also, you can make friends online. Even if the friendships are not as deep as you would like them to be. It's still good to have ppl to talk to and share with from time to time. Try meetup.com and google "sites for making friends". I'm sure you'll find something. Also please feel free to message me on here. Always nice to have a pen pal :-)

[truthtripper]

I had to meet a person with issues to feel appreciated. He's the first person ever to appreciate me being gentle, discreet and soft, you know, three qualities that are seen as weakness in the corporate western culture.

No one on this earth is free of "issues". We all have them. It's just that most of us succumb to the pressures of "corporate western culture" and are not courageous enough to be completely honest about ourselves to each other.

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote formatting ~6

[howwie324]

I get that this is probably the dumbest title, but I don't know how else to express right now the kinds of feelings I've been struggling with.

 

I've posted here in the past about family issues and how I don't really have much of one. The basic supports that many people have, I simply don't. I have some acquaintances, but no close friends, and when I do try to make those connections and deepen things, I get the cold shoulder.

 

Dating is obviously an issue as well. I have no problem getting dates or even getting laid, and once in a while it seems like I might be gaining traction with something serious, but I have not had an LTR since my mid-twenties (I'm 32 now).

 

I'm a good looking guy, successful, multi-talented and with many interests, physically fit/healthy, a good communicator, etc... I really don't feel there is anything 'bad' or 'wrong' with me.

 

The fact that I keep on struggling in this way though leads me to believe that I will simply be alone and without intimate relationships for the rest of my life. I would settle for a good friendship at this point. I think I just haven't had good luck in relationships, and maybe this is how it's going to turn out for me.

 

Recently, I tried contacting a few acquaintances and letting them in on the fact I hadn't been feeling like myself, that things weren't going well (I recently lost an aunt this week too), and needed someone to talk to. I get a lot of "let me get back to you" kind of responses and then nothing. Friends are non-existent. Dating goes nowhere. I simply cannot bear being this alone while alive.

 

I am considering suicide now. I don't have a plan or feel like this is something I'm going to do tomorrow, but it's getting bad. I have a therapist, but don't feel like that can 'fix' my loneliness issues and give me a relationship. I am starting to feel this is my fate, and wondering at what point do I go on ahead and follow through?

 

If you've been here before, please let me know how you coped, if things worked out, what you did, etc... I cannot remember feeling at the end of my rope quite this bad since I was a teenager.

 

I've been there before, plenty of times. Being a father honestly helped me through it. However, if you don't have children, there are other ways to cope. For one, if you can speak to your doctor about anti-depressants, that would be one good way to go. Normally I'm not an advocate of medicating yourself to solve problems, but anti-depressants don't numb you or dull your senses and they can help to lift your mood. Or, you can try taking St. John's Wort, which is an herb that has naturally occurring anti-depressants, although much milder than prescription. If you aren't working out, I recommend that as well. If you're a decent looking, successful guy and are having trouble with women, it may be just that you come off as a bit too desperate. Women sense that from a mile away, and it will cause a repulsion that will override any attraction they may also be feeling. The key in that case would be for you to go out and meet women, expecting to fail a lot, and just try to talk and overcome your anxiety. You will fail at this a lot before you gain your confidence, so just approach this as a test and trial period, as practice. Once you gain your confidence, you'll be surprised how much better you feel about yourself, and that will be very attractive to future prospective mates. Buy some new shirts and nice shoes, keep yourself well-groomed, buy some nice cologne and just go out to your local social activities and force yourself to strike up some conversations. Even if it's not with women at first. Talk to other men if you're too nervous about talking to women. Eventually speaking to women will be easier. Talk to a few women with no agenda in mind other than trying to get to know them a little bit. Force yourself to do it, but go in expecting to be brushed off or shot down at the first sentence. These are just people who are "test subjects" for you. Eventually you'll get your conversation skills up. I suggest reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. You can download it for free and it's not too long. It goes in to detail about what you should try to do when you are talking to new people.

 

However, life is worth living. Nothing bad lasts forever. Your depression won't last forever, but you need to take action. If you're not happy with your life, you need to change it, plain and simple, and you CAN do that, you just need to overcome your fears. But if you decide to do something stupid like end your own life, you will never have that chance. Why risk it? You have the strength within you to chance your life for the better, you just need to find it my friend.

[Perro_azul]

There is no way I can possibly feel what you're going through. But I think I find myself in quite a similar situation. I'm 29 and just recently broke up my with my bf. I've been very unsuccessfully married and since then (23 or around that) never had any serious long-term relationships. All end in pain, heartbreak and crushed hopes and dreams. I've never been suicidal. But I think if I were, I would be at that point now. I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to be alone, it's ok to stay single. Life itself is definitely more precious than your relationship status. I'm also not from the US. I live in a country, where the society pressures on you and silently judges you for being single and childless at 29. I deal with it. I find things that I enjoy doing and take pride in my other achievements. How I cope: I just do my things alone. I travel alone, I go to movies alone, I go to band concerts alone. All my friends are married with kids, others have boyfriends and such. I started spending time online, but I also realized that pushing myself, forcing to find someone or a date just stresses me out and makes me even more depressed. Sometimes I feel like this is it, there will be nothing else worthy in the future. But this stage passes and I keep living and keep doing what I always do.

I just hope that knowing that you're not alone in this world with feelings like these will help you. And it's not just a generalization. It's a fact, I'm a person, I live in a different country and I go through what you go through. You are not alone.

[TheBathWater]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses and sharing your own experiences. I really appreciate it.

 

I do already see a therapist. Interestingly enough, I am a therapist myself. I think being in the helping profession increases the emotional difficulties of life, since we carry so much of other peoples 'stuff'. I'm glad to do it and cannot imagine doing anything else. My work is my passion. However, being a person, and needing social supports to not go crazy, it makes living that much more difficult when you do not have any close connections or supports to rely on. It makes it even worse when you work so patiently over many years to try and build a social circle and romantic life, and it just keeps going nowhere. I have tried being the bigger person and repairing family relationships, or working at creating friendships over time. Nothing sticks, and I'm certainly not the person who backs away. I always get the fade away (ghosting), or told "yeah, we'll do something this weekend" from an acquaintance and then they disappear for weeks, only to repeat. I don't know how to NOT get upset after this happening over and over again for an extended period. Oddly, when I was younger and a total screw up, I had people all around me. Strange the way things work out...

 

When I reflect on my life, I am astounded by my personal and professional accomplishments. I genuinely like who I am, most of the time. I feel I'm worthy of love and have a lot of love to offer. Unfortunately, the one thing that has eluded me invariably for the last 5-10 years (and the one thing that more than anything else I believe people need to thrive) is having social supports. In western culture, people in my experience seem to be less and less interested in developing enduring connections, or simply can't tolerate what it feels like to be in one. Everything is so transient, but that simply doesn't work for me, and that sucks. I could keep generating a bunch of one night stands if I really wanted to, but I know it will only leave me feeling more empty and drive me deeper into a feeling I don't want to have. Hookups just don't cut it anymore. Acquaintances just don't cut it anymore. I can continue to exercise patience in forming a connection, but I am really just exhausted and lonely from all of this.

 

I feel I am truly doing everything I possibly can, but it's ultimately not up to me whether someone wants to connect with me personally. I can promise you I have been and continue to try my best to cope, but I fear at some point I'm going to break. I'm really trying.

 

Thank you everyone.

Edited November 21, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine