Feeling Hopeless About Relationships. Considering Suicide.

[Dylon]

I wouldn't kill yourself just yet. There might be something really good on TV tomorrow.

 

Your post reminded me of that dying guy who got a chance to see Star Wars The Force Awakens a few days before death. Sure puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

[truthtripper]

You cannot avoid feelings. However, you can notice when you're rehearsing bad/sad/tedious thoughts and realize that they aren't facts. They are thoughts. And can blow right through you instead of tormenting you.

The adults in my childhood inflicted pain upon me. It was wrong so why should I perpetuate it? Awareness of why we harm ourselves is the only way to stop it. There are lots of depressed people who don't realise that they were abused as children. Abuse can be subtle, it can be delivered with the softest of words, but has the same traumatic outcome as physical abuse. I think this is why many people continue to harm themselves, because they can't make clear connections between their present pain and their pasts. Also, terrors which the conscious mind can't cope with are stored in the subconscious, which can express as depression among other mental illnesses. For example, my father has schizophrenia, but can only remember his childhood as being a happy one. His sister witnessed his sexual abuse by their uncle, but my father has no memories of this. Then there are the many people who do recall their childhood abuse, but are not able to admit that it was abuse. Eg, a friend of mine, as a child, was often beaten by her father, but she believes she deserved it for misbehaving and refuses to acknowledge it was abuse. She has suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for many years to this day.

 

Re handling painful thoughts/feelings-my therapists encouraged me to "sit" with them if possible, rather than to distract myself as this is the only way I can process them and develop my self-awareness. Explore and express the pain, write it down, draw it, feel it's texture/colour, what does my body feel like? etc, as ways of making sense of pain.

Edited November 25, 2015 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

Experiencing pain is feeling, not thinking. Yes we need to feel our feelings but what we do NOT need to do is to buy into them wholeheartedly, or be stuck inside of them.

Thinking and feelings co-exist, they accompany each other. We can't think without feeling nor feel without thinking. In processing pain, it doesn't make sense to me, to separate the two.

[truthtripper]

I've posted here in the past about family issues and how I don't really have much of one. The basic supports that many people have, I simply don't. I have some acquaintances, but no close friends, and when I do try to make those connections and deepen things, I get the cold shoulder.

Tuna, if you were to suicide, it wouldn't be your fault. Ultimately, I think suicide is the cause of lack of emotional support from those around us, particularly family and friends. I feel there is a kind of apathy or refusal amongst people in general, towards genuinely acknowledging the truthful origins of problems. I see it in everyone I know. I can give endless examples. It's as if everyone is walking around in a kind of trance of mass apathy, which can't be broken into. That's how I feel, anyway.

[Heatherknows]

The adults in my childhood inflicted pain upon me. It was wrong so why should I perpetuate it? Awareness of why we harm ourselves is the only way to stop it. There are lots of depressed people who don't realise that they were abused as children. Abuse can be subtle, it can be delivered with the softest of words, but has the same traumatic outcome as physical abuse. I think this is why many people continue to harm themselves, because they can't make clear connections between their present pain and their pasts. Also, terrors which the conscious mind can't cope with are stored in the subconscious, which can express as depression among other mental illnesses. For example, my father has schizophrenia, but can only remember his childhood as being a happy one. His sister witnessed his sexual abuse by their uncle, but my father has no memories of this. Then there are the many people who do recall their childhood abuse, but are not able to admit that it was abuse. Eg, a friend of mine, as a child, was often beaten by her father, but she believes she deserved it for misbehaving and refuses to acknowledge it was abuse. She has suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for many years to this day.

 

Re handling painful thoughts/feelings-my therapists encouraged me to "sit" with them if possible, rather than to distract myself as this is the only way I can process them and develop my self-awareness. Explore and express the pain, write it down, draw it, feel it's texture/colour, what does my body feel like? etc, as ways of making sense of pain.

 

Is it helping you?

[truthtripper]

Is it helping you?

I wouldn't have mentioned this, if it didn't help me. I spent most of my life creating diversions/distractions for myself to avoid feeling pain. Now, I view my pain as a representation of what I suffered in my childhood. Now, I don't push it away, I honour it.

[truthtripper]

If you've been here before, please let me know how you coped, if things worked out, what you did, etc... I cannot remember feeling at the end of my rope quite this bad since I was a teenager.

...The concept of the inner-child is vital to my survival. No adult protected the little girl that was me, so now I have my adult self to embrace and protect her. Killing myself, means killing her.

Edited November 25, 2015 by truthtripper

[burnt]

Then there are the many people who do recall their childhood abuse, but are not able to admit that it was abuse. Eg, a friend of mine, as a child, was often beaten by her father, but she believes she deserved it for misbehaving and refuses to acknowledge it was abuse. She has suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for many years to this day.

 

During the years I was living with my parents, I never would have called myself 'abused'. I always BELIEVED my father was the most dedicated father in the worth. While I was still living with them, I once saw a man hugging his daughter with a smile--I thought it was the most IMMATURE and irresponsible thing a father could do--I wondered how this man ever managed to become a father.

It was only after I moved out of my parent's place, I started to see what I had been going through for years and how mind-bafflingly disturbing it was.

 

Oh, what the mind is capable of deceiving itself into believing.

 

 

The adults in my childhood inflicted pain upon me. It was wrong so why should I perpetuate it? Awareness of why we harm ourselves is the only way to stop it. There are lots of depressed people who don't realise that they were abused as children. Abuse can be subtle, it can be delivered with the softest of words, but has the same traumatic outcome as physical abuse. I think this is why many people continue to harm themselves, because they can't make clear connections between their present pain and their pasts. Also, terrors which the conscious mind can't cope with are stored in the subconscious, which can express as depression among other mental illnesses.

 

Absolutely right; but those (like myself) who continue to perpetuate it, do so even though they realize they are hurting themselves. It's not a decision--it's a perpetual cycle you end up finding yourself into.

 

Ironically, it was actually so much easier to deal with the pain when I was living with my parents compared to now.

Back then it was essentially:

Thinking everything was my fault. I ONLY had to deal with two things: the hate for myself and hate from others. But it was 'comforting' to believe that there was a 'justifiable' cause for the hate--almost as if to believe that ONLY if I could be a better person that I would be hated less.

 

Now it's harder because:

I have been carrying all this hate and pity all of which has been fossilized in my mind, thoughts, and behavior for many years. 'Unlearning' them is not easy. It feels like changing my very identify.

Plus, It brings a sense of betrayal of trust: they created the problem, yet I pay the price of their wrong-doing. Plus, it's me who is held responsible for fixing their wrong-doings.

Plus, even with my awareness when I can't FIX myself, I hate myself for being so incompetent that I can't fix myself. So I hate myself even more. Then I recognize I need to stop this negative thought-inner dialogue, but I fail to, so I hate myself EVEN more. (This is not even funny.)

Plus, being aware that they were abusers because they themselves were abused only makes it impossible for me to hate them; so I empathize, which means I end up feeling even worse that they were in pain too.

I cannot take away the pain they went through, I cannot take away the wrongs they did to me, I cannot seem to find a way heal myself.

It just all adds up to a self-fulfilling vicious cycle, spiraling downward.

 

And all this understanding and awareness--still no solace.

 

Re handling painful thoughts/feelings-my therapists encouraged me to "sit" with them if possible, rather than to distract myself as this is the only way I can process them and develop my self-awareness. Explore and express the pain, write it down, draw it, feel it's texture/colour, what does my body feel like? etc, as ways of making sense of pain.

 

Absolutely agree with all are saying; all along the lines of mindfulness and quieting the thoughts and developing awareness of our awareness.

 

It's just hard.

[Els]

Tuna, how are you doing? Hope you're feeling better.

 

Getting a good support system isn't easy. Good friends who will stick with you through thick and thin aren't easy to find, and some of us just don't have supportive families. If you've done a lot of moving recently that might make things worse, as deep friendships often take a long time to develop.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're still quite young. Life is a journey. The right woman or great pal might just be around the bend.

 

Hang in there.

[Heatherknows]

...The concept of the inner-child is vital to my survival. No adult protected the little girl that was me, so now I have my adult self to embrace and protect her. Killing myself, means killing her.

 

This is a great book:

 

Journey From Abandonment To Healing | A Book By Susan Anderson | Abandonment Therapy | Abandonment Recovery

 

I read it and it helped me a bit; however, not as much as this has helped me:

 

Watch: The End of Ego

https://www.eckharttolletv.com/new-home/?

 

This one is fantastic:

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by Heatherknows

[truthtripper]

During the years I was living with my parents, I never would have called myself 'abused'. I always BELIEVED my father was the most dedicated father in the worth. While I was still living with them, I once saw a man hugging his daughter with a smile--I thought it was the most IMMATURE and irresponsible thing a father could do--I wondered how this man ever managed to become a father.

It was only after I moved out of my parent's place, I started to see what I had been going through for years and how mind-bafflingly disturbing it was.

 

Oh, what the mind is capable of deceiving itself into believing.

 

 

 

 

Absolutely right; but those (like myself) who continue to perpetuate it, do so even though they realize they are hurting themselves. It's not a decision--it's a perpetual cycle you end up finding yourself into.

 

Ironically, it was actually so much easier to deal with the pain when I was living with my parents compared to now.

Back then it was essentially:

Thinking everything was my fault. I ONLY had to deal with two things: the hate for myself and hate from others. But it was 'comforting' to believe that there was a 'justifiable' cause for the hate--almost as if to believe that ONLY if I could be a better person that I would be hated less.

 

Now it's harder because:

I have been carrying all this hate and pity all of which has been fossilized in my mind, thoughts, and behavior for many years. 'Unlearning' them is not easy. It feels like changing my very identify.

Plus, It brings a sense of betrayal of trust: they created the problem, yet I pay the price of their wrong-doing. Plus, it's me who is held responsible for fixing their wrong-doings.

Plus, even with my awareness when I can't FIX myself, I hate myself for being so incompetent that I can't fix myself. So I hate myself even more. Then I recognize I need to stop this negative thought-inner dialogue, but I fail to, so I hate myself EVEN more. (This is not even funny.)

Plus, being aware that they were abusers because they themselves were abused only makes it impossible for me to hate them; so I empathize, which means I end up feeling even worse that they were in pain too.

I cannot take away the pain they went through, I cannot take away the wrongs they did to me, I cannot seem to find a way heal myself.

It just all adds up to a self-fulfilling vicious cycle, spiraling downward.

 

And all this understanding and awareness--still no solace.

 

 

 

Absolutely agree with all are saying; all along the lines of mindfulness and quieting the thoughts and developing awareness of our awareness.

 

It's just hard.

If you can imagine living in a world where people face the truth about their problems, advocate justice, are open to and accepting of each other's feelings, give each other the time to talk and listen with empathic ears, I doubt we would be feeling the same as we do now.

[burnt]

If you can imagine living in a world where people face the truth about their problems, advocate justice, are open to and accepting of each other's feelings, give each other the time to talk and listen with empathic ears, I doubt we would be feeling the same as we do now.

 

See the problem (for me) is that I DO imagine exactly what you wrote. I do believe that the solution is so incredibly simple--all it takes is a touch of care, concern, and understanding for others--it really takes such simplicity and a minimalistic approach to solve most of the problems--but you see, this knowledge itself becomes a source of frustration. The solution, in the idealistic sense seems so attainable and yet never seems to be a reality. It's just hard to swallow that.

 

But, yes, I do agree with you.

[truthtripper]

See the problem (for me) is that I DO imagine exactly what you wrote. I do believe that the solution is so incredibly simple--all it takes is a touch of care, concern, and understanding for others--it really takes such simplicity and a minimalistic approach to solve most of the problems--but you see, this knowledge itself becomes a source of frustration. The solution, in the idealistic sense seems so attainable and yet never seems to be a reality. It's just hard to swallow that.

 

But, yes, I do agree with you.

I don't feel that it's so easily attainable. There's just too much denial around. We're all too much in auto-pilot denial mode. I get impatient with my own self-I often automatically assume the victim role in social interactions with certain people or in certain situations, which then causes transference. I wish I was more aware, alert and in control of myself to handle this better. I often wonder if the human brain is simply not developed enough(in evolutionary terms) at present for people's mental states to change so quickly. If you think about it, human consciousness as we know it, is a relatively recent evolutionary development. I feel we are still in many ways transitioning from animalistic behaviours to the more sophisticated behaviours of consciousness. Perhaps it will take another 200,000 years for us to evolve into this idealistic homosapien species.

[HurtOfGlass]

Sorry a bit late to the party. But I have a suggestion for you. Travel to Syria and join ISIS. Your loneliness will vanish in an instant. And with all the Yazidi, Kurdi slave girls, you will have no problem getting a wife. Infact, they will gift you one. I heard they treat Western recruits most lavishly.

 

And even then, if you still want to die, die ROYALLY! A SUICIDE BOMBER. Atleast you will die for a purpose.