Seperated for 1 week. Did she cheat?

[steve141082]

My Wife and i seperated about 4 weeks ago. I begged and pleaded for her to come back at 1st but it didn't work. I suffered a bereavement around this time last year, My Mother had died and i spiralled into depression. I continuously pushed my Wife away, even though she tried to help me through this time. I buried my head in the sand, and started playing computer games, a lot. I never made anytime for her and never did any chores around the house even though we both worked full time. She is the Step Mother to by Son from a previous relationship and they love each other very much, and she put more time and effort into him than i did while i was depressed. Anyway things came to a head 4 weeks ago and she announced she was leaving and that it was over for good. She said she had felt like this for a few months and had finally made the decision and that she didn't love me anymore. I was devestated. I begged and pleaded but she was adamant, angry and resented me for making her feel so unwanted. I decided to give her some space for a while and worked on myself, lost weight, worked out, spent time with my Son and looked for a new house to rent. (I move there in a few weeks). I sold my Playstation, vowing to never let it have a grip over my life again. Anyway last weekend while having a few drinks with her Sisters i asked them to be honest with me and if my Wife had started seeing anybody else. 1 of them said no, but the other 1 said yes. She had slept with her best friends brother after a night that was fueled by alcohol and cocaine. Just a week after she walked out

 

I confronted my Wife about this calmly on the telephone, told her i didn't want anything to do with me anymore, but i was grateful for the last 8 years we had together (married 4). Grateful for helping bring my Son up (she was having weekly contact with him still for a few hours). But i know had to cut all ties with her.

 

She burst into tears, only 2 people knew about her sleeping with her best friends brother (even her best friend didn't know and it was under her own roof). She tried to call me multiple times until i agreed to meet her and talk about it later that night. She said that after it happened she instantly regretted it. She had made the 1st move because he made her feel wanted. After they had sex she said she broke down in tears and has been feeling guilty ever since.

 

She said deep down she still loves me and cares about me and wants to give it another go at trying to make things work, she had noticed the changes i was making and it seemed like i was becoming the person she 1st met again. She wants to start slowly, baby steps. Dating and trying to connect again. I told her that i could eventually forgive her for what she has done because i too cheated (emotionally, not physically, i could never go through with it) a couple of times in the past, which she already knew about, i confessed both times it happened. Once was with her Sister who i had become attracted to and we got a bit close. She said she wants to start a brand new relationship from the beginning and see how we go, but we must not bring up the past anymore and we would forgive each other our past transgressions.

 

A couple of days ago i brought up her sleeping with someone again, even though i said i wouldn't because i still had some concerns and i was angry at the guy she slept with because i feel he took advantage of her vunrebility and feeling the need to be wanted. She is adamant she didn't cheat anyway because we were seperated, even though she regrets what she did and feels guilt. I can let go of the past, and in time i know i can build my trust back up again, but i also want her to realise her consequences. Does anyone think i am a mug for trying again with her? Is she just wanting to work things out because of guilt? She said she wants me and she wants to share our dreams of having a future together but she doesn't want to put back her wedding ring on yet. We have kissed and cuddled and even slept in the same bed since (no sex, just holding and cuddling).

 

We go on our 1st date tomorrow night and just want some advice, i'm scared of getting hurt especially after i had just started to sort myself out and get some self esteem back. She is going on a girly night out this weekend, which i am dreading. What if she gets so drunk that she loses her inhibitions again.

 

Should i be so willing to give it another go?

[central]

What other transgression? Did she cheat before? Did you?

 

No doubt she'd love to sweep all this under the rug and not have to deal with any consequences, but then she may think she can do this or similar again and get away with it. Are you able and willing to let this go, or will it bother you to not have the full story and know she is committed to her relationship with you and willing to do what it takes to assure you of that?

[Spectre]

If she loved you she wouldn't of slept with another man. Dump her, why do you wan to be with someone who doesn't respect you? There are PLENTY of women out there. I'd understand if women were rare..then I could see wanting to be with an utterly disrespectful person who has no love for you, but we don't have a shortage of women. Find one who has self respect and dignity, your wife lacks both.

Edited November 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

She pulled the trigger pretty quick.

 

The thing is can you live with her infidelity????

 

Being separated doesn't give you the option to date. You're still married. For her to make that comment says she thinks it's OK.

 

Sounds like long term this marriage will die. Why waste time?????

 

Wants to stay separated. Hmmmmm

Edited November 19, 2015 by Marc878

[mystikmind2005]

it is interesting to see how a woman will suddenly want to put effort in when they cannot simply take the kid (as is usually the case)?

 

But anyway, you have to look at the efforts she put in before leaving? Was it sufficient for any reasonable partner? If the answer is yes, then she had every moral rite to do whatever she wanted to do after leaving and you should be damn grateful for your second chance.

[Mr Blunt]

Should i be so willing to give it another go?

 

 

 

 

You feel guilty because you treated her like crap after your bereavement and she feels guilty because she betrayed her vows and her integrity. You both are weak and your trust in her has been severely damaged. Two weak people running to each other because you are bleeding emotionally is not the right way to build up what has been damaged.

 

 

You both need to build yourself up in many areas. You can find out the truth when you watch and objectively evaluate both of your actions for a long time. Allowing your damaged emotions to be the deciding factor with your questions is very unreliable. There is no easy way to answer your question above; you are going to have to let time and actions tell you what is best for your life.

 

What is your plan for YOU to build yourself back up?

[sandylee1]

I think it's worth giving it another go.....but she went from being done with you to wanting to try in a short time.

 

I'm also concerned about her not wanting to wear her ring - as it sounds like she's not all in. Like she doesn't want to fully commit yet. I would advise that you look at boundaries during this time...so you agree neither of you are to see other people this seperation.

 

It could be that she wants to see if there's anything better out there..While not burning her bridges with you.

 

Out of curiosity...was it the sister you had the EA with that told you she slept with the OM?

 

Another thing......you haven't physically cheated but an EA with your SIL could be deemed a lot worse. I'd be distraught if my husband had A with my sister. She forgave you for that..now bearing this and all her efforts after your loss....... I think it's worth trying if you want to. I know a PA can be more difficult for some people to get over.......but forgiveness is a two way street and she had said she was done, so I personally don't put this in the same category of normal cheating.

 

TBH - if you had gone out and slept with someone..... .. I wouldn't have blamed you in the least. Given that she told you it was over for good.

 

Final word for now.......... set clear rules for the seperation and if she doesn't want to wear her ring (that still bothers me, as she's sending a message that she's single), if I were you I'd take yours off if you wear one.

[merrmeade]

You both reacted to the other spouse's ultimatum, which scared you into realizing you could lose the other person. So it's a back and forth of shock treatment and the fallout. I don't think either one of you has been handling these huge life blows with maturity. Your behavior when each of you feels crushed and vulnerable is to act out in some self-serving way.

 

I say get into counseling before you do anything else. Both of you I suppose, but you for sure. You didn't cure your depression; you just postponed it. And both of you need to examine why she gave up being your partner when you were depressed. Or not.

[aliveagain]

Steve, if in your eyes you see it as cheating, that's all that really matters. You have to decide if you can live with the imbalance, if you can't, why waste anymore time. Doesn't sound like she all in and the wedding rings have lost the meaning they represent, get rid of them and buy new ones if you decide to stay together.

[Spectre]

Guys, there is no "if you see it as cheating". It WAS cheating. A separation is not a divorce. Women who love and respect their partners do not sleep with other men after a week of separation, let alone with a friend.

 

Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person with no love or respect for you? Plus if you had an EA then you also lack love and then you also lack love and respect.

[Ladyjane14]

One of the most difficult cheating scenarios is when there are family members involved. In your case, you got too emotionally close with one of her sisters, and it was also a sister who ratted her out. Same sister, perhaps?

 

Either way, you could be seeing the influence of a sibling rivalry situation, which would cause drama and a sense of urgency to "win". I'd tread carefully, go slowly, and definitely wouldn't return to the marriage without significant professional counseling.

 

It's easy to take all the blame when you know your mistakes were significant ones, but I think perhaps there's a family dynamic in play here.

 

In the meantime for recommended reading... Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It describes her "walls and windows" technique for emotional intimacy within one's primary relationship while shutting down others.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Ladyjane14

[MidwestUSA]

What other transgression? Did she cheat before? Did you?

 

 

He did. In fact, he's up 2 to 1, if 'a couple of times' indeed means just two (but why wouldn't you just say 'twice'? That is was with HER SISTER ups the ick factor many fold.

 

She probably felt that she was owed a romp.

[sandylee1]

We are only human...if we face constant rejection it will have an impact on us . If it has no impact and does not affect us..then there is something wrong with you.

 

If she was always a good wife and the rejection from you pushed her to want a seperation... then it's not all on her.

 

It's no good saying if she loved him she wouldn't do this...... because in the same breath you could say if he loved her, he wouldn't have pushed her away and rejected her in spite of the loss he faced.

 

No one is perfect and with the mistakes you've both made......give it a go. But remember she is not 100 % in by not wanting to wear her ring. That is very telling.

 

Also rememberl she threw herself into looking after YOUR son......when you played games.

 

Her sister is disloyal...... stay away from her.

[Chi townD]

What is concerning to me is that she admitted to it and was remorseful about it. Then; later, she tried to justify it saying that you two weren't "actually together" so it wasn't cheating (which is BS).

 

 

She's trying to justify it to ease her own guilt. And, I also agree that not putting her ring back on doesn't bode well.

 

 

If you really want to try and reconcile this, then you NEED to go to marriage counseling. But, do your homework. Find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. If you go to any run-of-the-mill marriage counselor, then they are going to justify her cheating saying that she cheated because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. This wasn't your fault. She made a choice and you had nothing to do with that. A marriage counselor that specializes will make her own up to her own sh*t.

[Spectre]

We are only human...if we face constant rejection it will have an impact on us . If it has no impact and does not affect us..then there is something wrong with you.

 

If she was always a good wife and the rejection from you pushed her to want a seperation... then it's not all on her.

 

It's no good saying if she loved him she wouldn't do this...... because in the same breath you could say if he loved her, he wouldn't have pushed her away and rejected her in spite of the loss he faced.

 

No one is perfect and with the mistakes you've both made......give it a go. But remember she is not 100 % in by not wanting to wear her ring. That is very telling.

 

Also rememberl she threw herself into looking after YOUR son......when you played games.

 

Her sister is disloyal...... stay away from her.

 

She doesn't want to wear a ring and has banged other dudes. Why should they give this a go when the husband has also had EA's?

 

You also say it is no good to say if she loved him she wouldn't of done this because if he loved her he wouldn't of done what he did. No sorry, that doesn't make it no good, it just means neither of them truly loved the other. I don't care what the husband did, sex with other guys is never a solution, never an excuse, and it's not something you get a free pass on just because your hubby fooled around.

 

Both are at fault, both lack love and respect for the other, and you want these people to continue to be together? Eh. Just seems odd to me. Like someone going back in time and buying a ticket for the Titanic despite knowing its fate.

[pteromom]

Guys, there is no "if you see it as cheating". It WAS cheating. A separation is not a divorce.

 

Except for she left and said it was OVER FOR GOOD, so she thought she was done with the marriage.

 

I personally do not consider it AS bad as having an EA when you are actively committed to each other. Especially with her sister. Ew.

 

When people are separating, they need to talk about what that means. Are they planning on attempting reconciliation, or is it just a road to divorce?

 

I would consider it a gray area. Reminds me of the Friends episode - "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"

 

I would forgive and move forward, if you want to.

[Spectre]

Except for she left and said it was OVER FOR GOOD, so she thought she was done with the marriage.

 

I personally do not consider it AS bad as having an EA when you are actively committed to each other. Especially with her sister. Ew.

 

When people are separating, they need to talk about what that means. Are they planning on attempting reconciliation, or is it just a road to divorce?

 

I would consider it a gray area. Reminds me of the Friends episode - "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"

 

I would forgive and move forward, if you want to.

 

Then she waits until the divorce is final before screwing other men. Not a difficult thing to do. Thoughts are irrelevant, they hadn't been separated long and were not divorced.

 

It was cheating, period.

[Chi townD]

I don't know. I mean, she slept with the guy only one week into this "separation". No mourning the loss of the marriage, no mourning the loss of her husband. She knew what she was doing. She probably knew what was going to happen.

 

 

Hell, this "separation" probably wasn't even legal. Therefore, I think it was cheating. Hell, it is cheating. And if it was a legal separation, then it all depends on the state of what they can do during the separation. Like, in Virginia, they don't even consider it a separation, they call it a limited divorce. Therefore, the law doesn't state that you can't date or even sleep with other people. It only says that you can't remarry until you have an absolute divorce. So, it all depends on what the legal separation declares.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know. I mean, she slept with the guy only one week into this "separation". No mourning the loss of the marriage, no mourning the loss of her husband. She knew what she was doing. She probably knew what was going to happen.

 

Not condoning what she did, in his shoes I'd be incredibly hurt. But after he engaged in multiple EA's, buried himself in video games and actively rejected her for last year, she probably mourned the loss of her husband and marriage some time ago.

 

We go on our 1st date tomorrow night and just want some advice, i'm scared of getting hurt especially after i had just started to sort myself out and get some self esteem back. She is going on a girly night out this weekend, which i am dreading. What if she gets so drunk that she loses her inhibitions again.

 

Should i be so willing to give it another go?

 

The way you're proposing to go about this carries the same level of difficulty - and chance of success - as DIY open-heart surgery. Given the events and history of inappropriate conduct on both sides, marriage counseling is a must. I wouldn't date her - or anyone else - until you're on firmer emotional ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I don't know. I mean, she slept with the guy only one week into this "separation". No mourning the loss of the marriage, no mourning the loss of her husband. She knew what she was doing. She probably knew what was going to happen.

 

She probably did most of the mourning before she physically left. By the time she walked out, she was most likely long since done.

 

 

Hell, this "separation" probably wasn't even legal. Therefore, I think it was cheating. Hell, it is cheating. And if it was a legal separation, then it all depends on the state of what they can do during the separation. Like, in Virginia, they don't even consider it a separation, they call it a limited divorce. Therefore, the law doesn't state that you can't date or even sleep with other people. It only says that you can't remarry until you have an absolute divorce. So, it all depends on what the legal separation declares.

 

Arguing the legal and moral definitions of cheating will not help the OP in deciding if or how to move forward.

 

He has to decide whether HE is able to forgive and try again or not.

 

I personally don't consider it cheating when someone leaves with a declaration that it is over. But if the OP does, it doesn't matter what I think. He has to decide whether he can get past the hurt and truly start over.

[eye of the storm]

Cheating/not cheating. We are not in your head. It doesn't matter what our take on it is. Can you move past it?

 

My ExH read a diary from 10 years prior to us meeting and he threw crap in my face about it. He couldn't get past it. He said he did, but for years it was something that would get thrown at me during random fights. So it didn't matter that the stuff in it wasn't that bad, and had nothing to do with him. He couldn't get past it. It was a weapon in his hands.

 

You both did damage to this marriage. She, at least, left before she threw her grenade in the fire. You both need to see a marriage counselor. She hasn't had time to process and forgive you checking out of your marriage for a year. You haven't had time to process and forgive what she did after she left. You have a son. You need to make sure this isn't just lets get back together because we are to scared of being alone.

 

good luck

[BetrayedH]

My $.02

 

She made it clear that she was done with the marriage. What she did after that isn't cheating in my book. The marriage is over and you're just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

 

If she had slept with someone else prior to ending the marriage, that would have been cheating since she would have been playing single while leaving you to think she was faithful to the marriage. I credit her for having the courage to firmly end the marriage first. I also think discussions of whether it was a "legal" separation are irrelevant unless you get to a point where divorce is back on the table and you can then discuss it with an attorney. Others will obviously disagree.

 

I agree with those that said she mourned the loss of the marriage prior to the separation. She's also not the first person to look for solace in the arms of another following a painful breakup. Personally, I think she acted ethically and within her rights. I don't think she needs to suffer "consequences."

 

I think her leaving you was a wake-up call for you. And I credit you for making positive changes following that wake-up call. I also think that you throwing in the towel after she slept with someone else was a wake-up call for her. Now she's making further effort. You both made mistakes and you've both made corrections. Excellent.

 

Where I would be concerned is her relcutance to wear her rings. I would be insistent that if we're going to try again, then we're either both all-in or we're done. I would put your foot down. Nobody is "dating" anybody. This is a monogamous and fully committed marriage or it's over.

 

I would also avoid any rug-sweeping of what has happened. Build trust and intimacy by showing that you can discuss it safely with one another. Break down walls rather than permanently erecting them.

 

And there needs to be marriage counseling and individual counseling for both of you.

[Chi townD]

But, what if the motivation to separate is to cheat? What if she had a crush on her friends brother (or whoever the hell he is) declares the marriage is over then sleeps with this guy. Then, after she gets caught, wants to come back? Basically, just taking a break from the marriage to have sex with someone else.

 

 

Sorry, I still think it's cheating. Or else a lot of people would be declaring their marriage over just to sleep with someone else and then coming back and saying "Well, it didn't count because; technically, we weren't together."

 

 

I mean, it sounds like she really wanted to come back and made sure that the minimum amount of people knew about what she did. She didn't think she would have gotten dimed out.

 

 

IDK, I'm just speculating. Ignore my post.

[BetrayedH]

But, what if the motivation to separate is to cheat? What if she had a crush on her friends brother (or whoever the hell he is) declares the marriage is over then sleeps with this guy. Then, after she gets caught, wants to come back? Basically, just taking a break from the marriage to have sex with someone else.

 

 

Sorry, I still think it's cheating. Or else a lot of people would be declaring their marriage over just to sleep with someone else and then coming back and saying "Well, it didn't count because; technically, we weren't together."

 

 

I mean, it sounds like she really wanted to come back and made sure that the minimum amount of people knew about what she did. She didn't think she would have gotten dimed out.

 

 

IDK, I'm just speculating. Ignore my post.

 

Eh, I think it's all good dialogue for the OP to consider, if he were here.

 

It's also possible that she had cheated prior to the separation and separated so she could pursue the affair unencumbered. But that's just speculation, too. I'm curious how much faith the OP has in the veracity of what he's been told.

[basil67]

If she loved you she wouldn't of slept with another man. Dump her, why do you wan to be with someone who doesn't respect you? There are PLENTY of women out there. I'd understand if women were rare..then I could see wanting to be with an utterly disrespectful person who has no love for you, but we don't have a shortage of women. Find one who has self respect and dignity, your wife lacks both.

 

Taking this post of Spectre's further

 

Spectre is absolutely right that she did this because she didn't respect you. However, I also need to point out that her lost respect for you was a direct result of your behaviour.

 

If you're talking consequences, you also need to accept the consequences of your own behaviour here. Personally, I think that you both behaved poorly and that the solution lies in recognising that your actions cancel her's out.