Seperated for 1 week. Did she cheat?

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, marriage and divorce become technicalities or issues to be decided in Courts of Law. They are an external acknowledgement of what is a very personal and intimate relationship. If this personal relationship is brain dead then no matter what the external status of it exists, the relationship itself can only be kept alive on life support. In this situation the two people who were in the relationship can be assumed to be single again.

In the present case the wife had stated categorically that she did not love the OP any more and was separating. Technically they were still married but emotionally, the relationship was over because even if the OP refused to accept the state of his marriage for his wife it was over long ago. So technically she did cheat on her husband but since she had checked out emotionally, from the marriage, she felt she was single again and could act like a singleton. In my opinion, she violated her own moral compass by having a drunken ONS but on rethinking her position later on she felt she had not cheated on her husband because she was emotionally detached from him and did not have feelings for him in his present avatar. Subsequently when she observed and note the changes he had wrought on himself, she felt that he was more like the person she had fallen in love with in the first place. As such she felt there was a chance for them again but only if the OP remained true to his new persona.

I guess we should look at the situation from this perspective. This is just my opinion.

Edited November 21, 2015 by Just a Guy

[sidney2718]

Nope, If the genders were reversed and this was a man that did this, I'd be blasting him too. See, if anyone comes on here and says that they cheated and want to fix things; if I can read that they are TRULY remorseful, I would be the first to say, "YEAH! You screwed up!..Now, here's how to fix this". But that's not happening here. Yes, she SEEMED remorseful at first. But then she later changes her tune and said "Well, it wasn't cheating because weren't technically together". Trying to justify her actions. And she still refuses to wear her rings.

 

The remorse and the reconciliation attempt started AFTER the separation and the "cheating".

 

That's not remorse to me. Feels more like rug sweeping. So, I have to question her dedication to reconciling this. I have to question if she is truly remorseful for all of this and is willing to do some heavy lifting. Because I wouldn't want to give this guy advice on how to reconcile this only to see him get hurt again!

 

One possibility is that she left the marriage due in major part to the OP's attitude and activities. During the separation she was intimate with another man. Then for various reasons the OP and his wife decided to try reconciliation. Remorse should be measured from the time the OP and his wife got back together.

 

And there is another point as well. We are assuming that the OP is giving his W a second chance. It seems to me to be quite possible that his wife is giving the OP a second chance. She wants to see change in him indicating that things might work out. Then and only then will she put her rings back on.

[turnera]

What exactly went on with your affair with her sister?

[Spectre]

Yes it was. He cheated with a Playstation 4 and her sister.

 

Very few wait until the divorce is final. Once the marriage is over, folks seek the emotional connection that they were denied that lead to the breaking of the marriage in the first place.

 

Nothing you said changes the fact that the wife did is cheating so okie dokie. So they both cheated then.

[Chi townD]

Blah, Starting to think that this is a dead thread. Steve hasn't been back here in a while.

[sandylee1]

Blah, Starting to think that this is a dead thread. Steve hasn't been back here in a while.

 

I agree with you.

[Mr Blunt]

Steve must not like the forum answers to the questions that he asked of us.

or

Steve does not want to answer the questions we asked him.

[steve141082]

Sorry I have only just replied guys. Had a bit of a busy week. This week with my Wife has been like a whirlwind romance all over again. She came to my house not long after my 1st post and we talked and talked. She said she still was confused as to what she wanted to happen between us and felt she had to rush into a decision as to what to do because I found out about the other guy. Then she said she was scared, scared that things would go so good that after a while everything will slip back into old habits and that we would be at this stage again. I told my Wife that if she was unsure that I couldn't emotionally attach myself to her again because I couldn't go through anymore heartbreak or rejection and that we would leave the dating for another few weeks until she reassessed her feelings. Anyway we ended up going to bed that night just talking and cuddling etc then she made the 1st move. It was fantastic, the connection between us was incredible. The next morning she sent me a picture message of her wearing her wedding ring. We went on our date and had an amazing night and we have been back out again since. We have slept with each other every night since we reconciled and it just keeps getting better and better, she has cried afterwards, saying she is so happy and that she is falling madly in love with me all over again.

 

She hasn't moved back in yet but is slowly moving more and more clothing back into the house and because I am moving to a new home in a few weeks, she wants to directly move into that home with me for a fresh start.

 

As far as our infidelity goes. We have both admitted we were in the wrong but it is in the past, and that is where is shall stay. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I think the separation was what we both needed to give us a kick up the backside. We have tried for a baby for 7 years and it has not happened for us. We got turned down for funding for IVF treatment 2 years ago because I already have a child with a previous partner. This news killed her inside and she tried to commit suicide. We have both been tested for fertility and have both been given the all clear. My Wife has also suffered 2 miscarriages too and I believe a lot of her problems revolve around the fact we haven't had a child. She feels at 28 she isn't getting any younger but if she can'thave a family with me she doesn't want it with anybody else. She wants to be a Mother so much and she would be great as a Mother. She feels she is not good enough.

[Chi townD]

Well, if you think that you guys are headed in the right direction, then great. But I would still strongly encourage you two to see a marriage counselor. You two are back into the phase of reconnecting and reconciling. And right now, the passion and romance is back; and, I speculate that a LOT of sex is happening. But, what you are experiencing is something called hysterical bonding.

 

 

You two admitted that it was cheating. Now; since you two are trying to work it out, hysterical bonding is happening. And all that is, is a subconscious and animalistic response to "re-claim" what you believe belongs to you. And this is from both you and her. But, sooner or later, hysterical bonding is going to end and you're still going to have a big mess to clean up. A lot of questions that need to be answered. A lot of raw feelings that need to be addressed. A roller coaster of emotions. So, I STRONGLY encourage you to seek out a counselor now!

[turnera]

Your wife needs to be in consistent, long-term therapy to deal with this belief that she's not 'good enough' if she can't pop out a baby. They say that stress is one of the main reasons for infertility; she needs to deal with this with a therapist and get to a place where she's ok with herself no matter what happens. Or she's just going to be ripe for another affair to prop up her nonexistent self esteem.

[Spectre]

Um okay man no offense but from the behavior of her and you described in this thread you guys should not be bringing any children into this world. Your marriage is far too much of a mess to do that.

 

I mean good god dude you trotted out some of the timeless classic clichés of this forum. "We are human" and "we make mistakes". I swear some people think these phrases contain some kind of magic. It sounds like you are going to sweep all of this under the rug and..just what? This won't end well. It's almost like watching two people sitting on a boat as it slowly sinks and the people continue to act like nothing is wrong but the onlookers can quite clearly see the boat is doomed.

[spanz1]

Hi Steve, I've read through your thread and my observations ate as follows.

a) You treated your wife horribly for a year or more while she tried to help you and over this period of time you alienated her completely such that she had lost all feelings of love for you.

b) She decided to desperate and told you in no uncertain terms that she was done and that she was moving out, which she actually did.

c) A week later she had a drunken ONS with the brother of a friend of hers and subsequently felt very guilty about it. Her guilt was possibly because she is not the kind of person who would do such a thing in normal course and her sense of morals were violated by her deed.

d) Her sister to whom she probably confided in turn informed you. When you confronted her with this fact, she broke down and confessed her infidelity. Subsequently she probably thought it over and decided that since she was seperated from you and had told you the marriage was over, that what she did was not cheating since her ties with you were already broken.

e) She had, in the mean time observed that you had made some serious changes for the better and that she could possibly think of reconciling with you if she was able to find the same spark that the two of you had at the beginning. However to do this she wants to date you all over again just as she would a new prospect. This may be the reason she does not want to wear her wedding ring. That would be tied to the baggage of your married life whereas she wants to start on a new footing. If things work put between you two afresh, she will resume wearing the ring. If not then she is single and can look out for some one else.

f) You have a choice to woo her afresh as you did the first time around or you can choose to treat her as a cheater and drop her from your life. For her this is not a reconciliation as some think but a fresh start and if it does not work out with you she is free to look out for someone else.

So to my mind your choices are limited to pursuing her or dropping her as a WW who you would be better off without. So choose wisely. Warm wishes.

 

 

 

^this^ seems like sound advice.

I too do not think that getting laid after you two had separated and she told you the marriage is over is necessarily cheating.

 

 

if you DO start dating her again, maybe you two might benefit from marriage counseling...some professional help to show how you two can bond again, and to referee the fine points of the split up to date....

 

 

remember the time line here. for you, it is like she separated and a week later she is bonking some friend. For her, she had tried and tried for a whole year, found you non responsive to any advance, and decided to end things cleanly. After finally getting over the trauma of telling you that and leaving, she was feeling free and empowered....and the idea of fresh new sex was simply too alluring to resist.

Edited November 24, 2015 by spanz1

[Spectre]

Stop making excuses for her. They were still together. I don't care if in her mind she spent the last century thinking the marriage was over. The idea of "fresh new sex" a week after separation was too alluring to resist? Okay, but then such a person isn't marriage material, isn't wife material. Not to suggest the guy is husband material, but there seems to be a disconnect here.

 

What this woman thought in her mind about this marriage, no matter how long she thought it, is irrelevant when it comes to if she cheated. She did. You can say she had reasons to do it, but she still was riding another man a week after separating. How about just filing for divorce and waiting for it to come through, are all men going to vanish off the face of the Earth by then? Do we not sell dildo's and vibrators to tide this woman over until she is actually divorced? We do? Okay then.

 

Especially because here is the kicker: the OP thinks it was cheating, so it was. It is irrelevant if she felt it wasn't because she mentally checked out a long time ago and physically checked out a week ago.

 

Now see the OP wasn't a good husband and also cheated, but by people in a roundabout way making excuses for the wife it just takes away from what the husband did. The topic should be they both were in the wrong and yet we've had to spend time debating something that actually isn't even debatable really. A separation is not a divorce, mentally checking out for a long time is not a divorce. You can spin this web any way you like, but she cheated. So can we move past that? Or we can spend the next 10 pages debating that 2+2 doesn't equal 4. That can certainly be a thing we do. It'd be a waste of time, but hell we could do it.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Also having read the entire OP's post more carefully I'm even more perplexed at anyone saying this wasn't cheating. Oh she says it wasn't cheating, but then also says she immediately felt guilty, burst into tears, and has been saying "deep down" she loves him. Yet she sleeps with the first guy to make her feeling "wanted" a week after leaving. She also felt this way for months and didn't say a god damn thing because some people feel they are martyrs if they suffer in silence. I honestly do not see the point of giving this another go. Both people are incredibly disrespectful to each other. One thinks because she mentally checked out a long time ago that it isn't cheating to screw a guy a week after a separation despite the fact that apparently a divorce hadn't even been filed. These are not the thoughts of rational adults who belong married.

 

The OP has affairs and the wife is someone who can be in love with one person and bang another and cry about it and feel immense guilt, but then sit there with a straight face and say it wasn't cheating.

 

I honestly can't figure out why anyone on this board would feel these two belong together. I think the OP's response of cutting ties with her was the right one. Doesn't mean the OP did nothing wrong, but people seem to think these wrongs cancel each other out.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Spectre

[spanz1]

separation means its over. IF he wanted a separation without either party dating/screwing, then he should have been very clear on the rules ahead of time.

 

 

The problem is not if you want to call it cheating or not. the problem is that the wife, after a long period of abuse, finally stopped loving this guy and gave up. Once that happens, the chance of getting her to do an about face and start loving you again is pretty small. That is the problem....letting her back and trying to resurrect the marriage is not too likely to succeed.

 

 

Hence why I second the recommendation of him "dating" her again...it might be the only hope for reconciliation there is.

[Mr. Lucky]

I honestly can't figure out why anyone on this board would feel these two belong together. I think the OP's response of cutting ties with her was the right one. Doesn't mean the OP did nothing wrong, but people seem to think these wrongs cancel each other out.

 

Spectre, this is a support forum, not a candidate debate. So it doesn't matter whether anyone thinks they belong together, the OP has chosen to reconcile.

 

If you have any ideas as to how he can successfully accomplish his stated goal, now would be a good time to post them .

 

OP, I agree with the suggestion for MC as you move forward. Any marriage that gets as off track as yours was usually has huge communication issues. Hope you'll keep us posted on your progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spectre]

separation means its over.

 

Nope, not at all.

 

IF he wanted a separation without either party dating/screwing, then he should have been very clear on the rules ahead of time.

Nope, if she was going to be screwing other guys she should of made that clear. She then shouldn't of later began talking about how deep down she still loves him. A separation is not a divorce. Mentally checking out is not a divorce, and if you are not divorced and screw a guy after a week of separation and then have the audacity to then say "oh I but I love you deep down" then well..doesn't come off too well. Edited November 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[steve141082]

Nope, not at all.

 

Nope, if she was going to be screwing other guys she should of made that clear. She then shouldn't of later began talking about how deep down she still loves him. A separation is not a divorce. Mentally checking out is not a divorce, and if you are not divorced and screw a guy after a week of separation and then have the audacity to then say "oh I but I love you deep down" then well..doesn't come off too well.

 

Sorry you feel this way Spectre but i thought this was a community support forum, not a judgemental forum. I love this quote i saw from Bob Marley lately. "Before you judge me or anybody else, you better makes damn sure your hands are clean."

 

Yes i said we have both made mistakes, and yes i've said the past is in the past, but that's what it is. Yes she screwed another guy, she does regret it and she is deeply ashamed of it. It meant nothing to her and i know this, but in her mind, we were done. If i hadn't made the changes in my life that i have made recently, then she would noway consider coming back. But on the other hand, i fantasised about having a relationship with her Sister, while we were together, and while we were meant to be trying for a baby. This isn't point scoring, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I would be up 3-1 by now if it was, whether i followed through any physical interaction or not, the thoughts were still there.

 

We have decided to move into a new home together, and to be honest, the 5 weeks apart probably did us some good, regardless of what happened in those 5 weeks. I think we realised why we got together and married in the 1st place. Our only problem is we got complacent, we thought just because we wore wedding rings and we signed a bit of paper we didn't have to work on our marriage and relationship. We stopped talking and opening up to each other, then feelings turned to resentments and loss of respect and love.

 

Now the past is in the past, and trust me, there will be no rug sweeping, when the time is right we will go and see a marriage counselor to discuss these previous problems, when emotions aren't as raw. But for now, onwards and upwards, and i have no trust issues with my Wife. She was totally loyal to me in the 8 years together, if anything she will have trust issues but i will never treast her the same again.

[happyman64]

Steve

 

You and your wife do what feels right.

 

Never stop being honest with each other.

 

And never take each other for granted again.

 

 

Now go have a wonderful life.

 

HM

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Now go have a wonderful life.

 

HM

 

And that's an order ???!

 

Keep us posted, always nice to see some positive outcomes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Steve - I'm really happy for you both. We all make mistakes along this journey of life. I hope everything works out for and stay positive. Communication is absolutely the key.

 

This wasn't a case of her sneaking around.....it was over for her.

 

Good luck to you.?

[sidney2718]

Sorry you feel this way Spectre but i thought this was a community support forum, not a judgemental forum. I love this quote i saw from Bob Marley lately. "Before you judge me or anybody else, you better makes damn sure your hands are clean."

 

Yes i said we have both made mistakes, and yes i've said the past is in the past, but that's what it is. Yes she screwed another guy, she does regret it and she is deeply ashamed of it. It meant nothing to her and i know this, but in her mind, we were done. If i hadn't made the changes in my life that i have made recently, then she would noway consider coming back. But on the other hand, i fantasised about having a relationship with her Sister, while we were together, and while we were meant to be trying for a baby. This isn't point scoring, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I would be up 3-1 by now if it was, whether i followed through any physical interaction or not, the thoughts were still there.

 

We have decided to move into a new home together, and to be honest, the 5 weeks apart probably did us some good, regardless of what happened in those 5 weeks. I think we realised why we got together and married in the 1st place. Our only problem is we got complacent, we thought just because we wore wedding rings and we signed a bit of paper we didn't have to work on our marriage and relationship. We stopped talking and opening up to each other, then feelings turned to resentments and loss of respect and love.

 

Now the past is in the past, and trust me, there will be no rug sweeping, when the time is right we will go and see a marriage counselor to discuss these previous problems, when emotions aren't as raw. But for now, onwards and upwards, and i have no trust issues with my Wife. She was totally loyal to me in the 8 years together, if anything she will have trust issues but i will never treast her the same again.

 

I think that you are spot on with this. There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful about trying to save your marriage. In fact you and your wife are better human beings because you are willing to try.

 

My advice is to go for it, but keep one eye on your own behavior. Don't fall back into old bad habits. She will likely do the same. And best wishes to the both of you.

 

P.S. Some here have had awful times with their spouses and their past history distorts their view sometimes. They mean well, but you don't have to follow their advice.