Seperated for 1 week. Did she cheat?

[drifter777]

Unless you agreed that you both were free to date while separated then, in my book, she cheated. Period.

 

I was in a situation similar to yours many years ago and I hate myself for not walking away and divorcing her. Coming back to her was the worst mistake of my life. You should strongly consider just starting over without the baggage of a cheating wife.

 

You are very liable to find out that there is more going on here than meets the eye. Women rarely just up and leave without having a new guy lined up. They are excited about a fresh, new love and figure that if it doesn't work out for them they can always come back to you. Maybe this isn't the case with you but we see it all the time here.

[Chi townD]

Taking this post of Spectre's further

 

Spectre is absolutely right that she did this because she didn't respect you. However, I also need to point out that her lost respect for you was a direct result of your behaviour.

 

If you're talking consequences, you also need to accept the consequences of your own behaviour here. Personally, I think that you both behaved poorly and that the solution lies in recognising that your actions cancel her's out.

 

 

Umm... no it doesn't. If I was reading the OP correctly, sure. He wasn't husband of the year and he was neglectful and buried himself in video games. But why? He also stated that he lost his mother. He could have been depressed and shut out the world. I mean, that does happen. And what SHOULD have happened is that she should have pointed this out to him and tell him that he needs grief counseling because he wasn't processing his loss right. But, her solution was to "declare" the marriage over and have sex with another guy just mere days later. That was a choice she made. He had nothing to do with her sleeping with someone else.

 

 

Now is he blameless? No. He needs to own up to 50% of the problems in the marriage. And she needs to own up to the other 50%. But, the decision to sleep with someone else outside of the marriage was 100% on her.

[basil67]

I slept with someone else while I was separated from my ex-husband. I didn't see it as cheating - I saw it as a new start. As far as I was concerned, my marriage ended the moment I walked out the door.

 

That was 23 years ago and I'm still with the new guy. I don't regret it for moment.

[Chi townD]

I slept with someone else while I was separated from my ex-husband. I didn't see it as cheating - I saw it as a new start. As far as I was concerned, my marriage ended the moment I walked out the door.

 

That was 23 years ago and I'm still with the new guy. I don't regret it for moment.

 

And that's YOUR situation and if you're happy, then great. But, that isn't what's happening here.

 

 

She cheated and she got caught and then wanted to come back to the marriage. In your case, I think that you were steadfast in your decision that your marriage was over. I speculate that OP's wife was wavering. And if she WAS wavering, then she had no business having sex with other guys.

[mystikmind2005]

My $.02

 

She made it clear that she was done with the marriage. What she did after that isn't cheating in my book. The marriage is over and you're just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

 

If she had slept with someone else prior to ending the marriage, that would have been cheating since she would have been playing single while leaving you to think she was faithful to the marriage. I credit her for having the courage to firmly end the marriage first. I also think discussions of whether it was a "legal" separation are irrelevant unless you get to a point where divorce is back on the table and you can then discuss it with an attorney. Others will obviously disagree.

 

I agree with those that said she mourned the loss of the marriage prior to the separation. She's also not the first person to look for solace in the arms of another following a painful breakup. Personally, I think she acted ethically and within her rights. I don't think she needs to suffer "consequences."

 

I think her leaving you was a wake-up call for you. And I credit you for making positive changes following that wake-up call. I also think that you throwing in the towel after she slept with someone else was a wake-up call for her. Now she's making further effort. You both made mistakes and you've both made corrections. Excellent.

 

Where I would be concerned is her relcutance to wear her rings. I would be insistent that if we're going to try again, then we're either both all-in or we're done. I would put your foot down. Nobody is "dating" anybody. This is a monogamous and fully committed marriage or it's over.

 

I would also avoid any rug-sweeping of what has happened. Build trust and intimacy by showing that you can discuss it safely with one another. Break down walls rather than permanently erecting them.

 

And there needs to be marriage counseling and individual counseling for both of you.

 

Very good advice except the ring part.

 

Not wearing the ring says to me that she did not take the separation lightly, there must be allot of damage to the relationship,,,, so damaged that she could not justify to put the ring back on 'yet'.

 

She wants to save the relationship but it is far from being saved, you have allot of work to do before that ring can go back on her finger.

[Mr. Lucky]

And what SHOULD have happened is that she should have pointed this out to him and tell him that he needs grief counseling because he wasn't processing his loss right. But, her solution was to "declare" the marriage over and have sex with another guy just mere days later.

 

Best to keep the facts straight, not sure why it's necessary to demonize the OP's wife to make your point. Here's what he said:

 

I continuously pushed my Wife away, even though she tried to help me through this time. I buried my head in the sand, and started playing computer games, a lot. I never made anytime for her and never did any chores around the house even though we both worked full time. She is the Step Mother to by Son from a previous relationship and they love each other very much, and she put more time and effort into him than i did while i was depressed.

 

Sounds like she tried hard to help the OP, including caring for his son when the OP was unmotivated to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I agree that she mourned the loss of the marriage before she left. I don't particular see it as a seperation....more the next step to divorce. And the reason to try is forgiveness....especially as the OP isn't squeaky clean. People in glass houses.....................

 

I'm not one who normally thinks reconciling is good....however, every situation is different......their are other factors here.

At the end of the day they've both made bad choices...although she was done......a decree absolute is the formality to end the marriage.

 

Where I live you can't divorce till 2 years if there hasn't been infidelity or unreasonable behaviour..... I don't see why she should have to wait that long before having sex.....Once she decided she was done.

 

There's a lot of work required to repair this marriage though.

[sidney2718]

 

You feel guilty because you treated her like crap after your bereavement and she feels guilty because she betrayed her vows and her integrity. You both are weak and your trust in her has been severely damaged. Two weak people running to each other because you are bleeding emotionally is not the right way to build up what has been damaged.

 

 

You both need to build yourself up in many areas. You can find out the truth when you watch and objectively evaluate both of your actions for a long time. Allowing your damaged emotions to be the deciding factor with your questions is very unreliable. There is no easy way to answer your question above; you are going to have to let time and actions tell you what is best for your life.

 

What is your plan for YOU to build yourself back up?

 

Mr. Blunt is, to put it bluntly, right! Reread what you wrote here. You admit that you treated your wife very badly and agreed that she left you for that reason. Do you have any plans to treat her any better in the future? Do you know what you need to do?

 

As for what she did while you were separated, that's another story. You don't seem to understand that you withheld all feelings of closeness from her. So yes, she wanted to spend time being wanted, being held, and being valued.

 

Can she accept you back?

[sidney2718]

Guys, there is no "if you see it as cheating". It WAS cheating. A separation is not a divorce. Women who love and respect their partners do not sleep with other men after a week of separation, let alone with a friend.

 

You are correct. However, the number of folks who decide that a separation means the end of a marriage is quite large, especially if the marriage has lacked closeness and emotional contact.

 

So if I were him I'd put the affair aside for the moment and see if there is anything left to the marriage. After all, the OP has committed some sins as well. They may have been emotional (being in love with his activities that did not involve his wife) but they count too.

[sidney2718]

Then she waits until the divorce is final before screwing other men. Not a difficult thing to do. Thoughts are irrelevant, they hadn't been separated long and were not divorced.

 

It was cheating, period.

 

Yes it was. He cheated with a Playstation 4 and her sister.

 

Very few wait until the divorce is final. Once the marriage is over, folks seek the emotional connection that they were denied that lead to the breaking of the marriage in the first place.

[Chi townD]

Best to keep the facts straight, not sure why it's necessary to demonize the OP's wife to make your point.

 

 

And when I speculated, I made that clear. But, you want me to stick to the facts. Okay, she declared the marriage over and she wanted a separation. Then, mere days later she had sex with someone else. That's not me demonizing, that's what happened. But, anyway you want to read that, it's still a pretty crappy thing to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

But, anyway you want to read that, it's still a pretty crappy thing to do.

 

Agreed. And that she kept it in his circle of friends indicates, consciously or not, she was sending the OP a message.

 

Lots to overcome here. Hate to see the OP and his wife waste the next decade of their lives playing the blame game...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fellini]

IN LS when a woman is found to be having sex in a separation, this is considered cheating. But when a man tells a WW he is done, and leaves the matrimonial home saying he is going to start the divorce proceedings, some of the same people here claiming this OP's wife is cheating claim the divorcing husband has the right to seek a relationship as he wishes.

 

So, yeah, I'm saying the double standard between genders in LS is alive and well and continuously applies a very harsh bordering on Muslim attitude about women over men. We see it all the time: A woman cheats, all the men in LS come screaming in with "no more Girls Night Out". A woman should never be alone with a man from work. etc. etc.

 

So OP... It's interesting that you focus on your EA as cheating and relate it to hers. You have to ask yourself why SHE stayed with you with your EAs and WITH your long term disconnection from you marriage. Until she had enough.

 

It wasn't until SHE ENDED your marriage that you came out of your "depression".... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

 

Should you get back together with her? This is not about her, it is about you. She wants you back because SHE SEES YOU HAVE CHANGED, not because she got found out about her hookup! What do you think women are? They are OUT of their marriage, hook up with a guy, end it, and what? They WANT to get back with their emotionally empty intolerant cheating husbands because a couple of people found out about a ONS?

 

What the heck is wrong with your and half the people in LS's view of women?

 

A woman who is already free of a horrible marriage who says she wants to give it another try BECAUSE she sees you are past your impossible to live with stage and WANTS what you two once HAD is a woman to be cherished and valued.

 

Or, yeah, you can treat her like she was a slut, like some posters here, and add on to that that she is a masochist and wants to get back together with her intolerable ex husband so she can cheat on him properly.

 

You know this woman. You figure out which one she is.

[road]

 

Where I live you can't divorce till 2 years if there hasn't been infidelity or unreasonable behaviour..... I don't see why she should have to wait that long before having sex.....Once she decided she was done.

 

There's a lot of work required to repair this marriage though.

 

 

Why wait that long? Look at the mess that would not be there now.

 

 

Wanting to be done, even deciding one is done, is not the same as being done.

 

 

Also we have the right to pursue happiness not the right to get happiness. So there is no right to get laid. Many people survive dry spells by dating Rose Hand or Mary Palm.

[NewLeaf512]

IN LS when a woman is found to be having sex in a separation, this is considered cheating. But when a man tells a WW he is done, and leaves the matrimonial home saying he is going to start the divorce proceedings, some of the same people here claiming this OP's wife is cheating claim the divorcing husband has the right to seek a relationship as he wishes.

 

So, yeah, I'm saying the double standard between genders in LS is alive and well and continuously applies a very harsh bordering on Muslim attitude about women over men. We see it all the time: A woman cheats, all the men in LS come screaming in with "no more Girls Night Out". A woman should never be alone with a man from work. etc. etc.

 

So OP... It's interesting that you focus on your EA as cheating and relate it to hers. You have to ask yourself why SHE stayed with you with your EAs and WITH your long term disconnection from you marriage. Until she had enough.

 

It wasn't until SHE ENDED your marriage that you came out of your "depression".... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

 

Should you get back together with her? This is not about her, it is about you. She wants you back because SHE SEES YOU HAVE CHANGED, not because she got found out about her hookup! What do you think women are? They are OUT of their marriage, hook up with a guy, end it, and what? They WANT to get back with their emotionally empty intolerant cheating husbands because a couple of people found out about a ONS?

 

What the heck is wrong with your and half the people in LS's view of women?

 

A woman who is already free of a horrible marriage who says she wants to give it another try BECAUSE she sees you are past your impossible to live with stage and WANTS what you two once HAD is a woman to be cherished and valued.

 

Or, yeah, you can treat her like she was a slut, like some posters here, and add on to that that she is a masochist and wants to get back together with her intolerable ex husband so she can cheat on him properly.

 

You know this woman. You figure out which one she is.

 

Pigs may be flying but I agree with Fellini here.

[NewLeaf512]

You are correct. However, the number of folks who decide that a separation means the end of a marriage is quite large, especially if the marriage has lacked closeness and emotional contact.

 

So if I were him I'd put the affair aside for the moment and see if there is anything left to the marriage. After all, the OP has committed some sins as well. They may have been emotional (being in love with his activities that did not involve his wife) but they count too.

 

And other women. I concur.

[Chi townD]

IN LS when a woman is found to be having sex in a separation, this is considered cheating. But when a man tells a WW he is done, and leaves the matrimonial home saying he is going to start the divorce proceedings, some of the same people here claiming this OP's wife is cheating claim the divorcing husband has the right to seek a relationship as he wishes.

 

So, yeah, I'm saying the double standard between genders in LS is alive and well and continuously applies a very harsh bordering on Muslim attitude about women over men. We see it all the time: A woman cheats, all the men in LS come screaming in with "no more Girls Night Out". A woman should never be alone with a man from work. etc. etc.

 

So OP... It's interesting that you focus on your EA as cheating and relate it to hers. You have to ask yourself why SHE stayed with you with your EAs and WITH your long term disconnection from you marriage. Until she had enough.

 

It wasn't until SHE ENDED your marriage that you came out of your "depression".... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

 

Should you get back together with her? This is not about her, it is about you. She wants you back because SHE SEES YOU HAVE CHANGED, not because she got found out about her hookup! What do you think women are? They are OUT of their marriage, hook up with a guy, end it, and what? They WANT to get back with their emotionally empty intolerant cheating husbands because a couple of people found out about a ONS?

 

What the heck is wrong with your and half the people in LS's view of women?

 

A woman who is already free of a horrible marriage who says she wants to give it another try BECAUSE she sees you are past your impossible to live with stage and WANTS what you two once HAD is a woman to be cherished and valued.

 

Or, yeah, you can treat her like she was a slut, like some posters here, and add on to that that she is a masochist and wants to get back together with her intolerable ex husband so she can cheat on him properly.

 

You know this woman. You figure out which one she is.

 

 

 

Nope, If the genders were reversed and this was a man that did this, I'd be blasting him too. See, if anyone comes on here and says that they cheated and want to fix things; if I can read that they are TRULY remorseful, I would be the first to say, "YEAH! You screwed up!..Now, here's how to fix this". But that's not happening here. Yes, she SEEMED remorseful at first. But then she later changes her tune and said "Well, it wasn't cheating because weren't technically together". Trying to justify her actions. And she still refuses to wear her rings.

 

 

That's not remorse to me. Feels more like rug sweeping. So, I have to question her dedication to reconciling this. I have to question if she is truly remorseful for all of this and is willing to do some heavy lifting. Because I wouldn't want to give this guy advice on how to reconcile this only to see him get hurt again!

Edited November 20, 2015 by Chi townD

[sandylee1]

Why wait that long? Look at the mess that would not be there now.

 

 

Wanting to be done, even deciding one is done, is not the same as being done.

 

 

Also we have the right to pursue happiness not the right to get happiness. So there is no right to get laid. Many people survive dry spells by dating Rose Hand or Mary Palm.

 

The law does not allow a decree absolute unless you have been seperated for 2 years..... UNLESS...there was infidelity or unreasonable behaviour. As you can imagine the latter is very difficult to prove.

 

So as the OPs wife was done.... expecting her to wait 2 years... if she lived in the UK would be unreasonable IMO. Remember she'd been rejected for a year already.

[sandylee1]

Pigs may be flying but I agree with Fellini here.

 

^^^^^^^ Seconded NL.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think LoveShack is the only place I've ever heard of where having sex with someone while separated is considered cheating.

 

 

Separations often last for years before the actual divorce.

 

 

I agree a week is quick to move on, but it was a drunken one night stand, it wasn't like she went into a full relationship.

 

 

If you want to fix the relationship than do it, if you don't than don't. I don't think it's fair to consider her as having cheated on you though.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Steve, I've read through your thread and my observations ate as follows.

a) You treated your wife horribly for a year or more while she tried to help you and over this period of time you alienated her completely such that she had lost all feelings of love for you.

b) She decided to desperate and told you in no uncertain terms that she was done and that she was moving out, which she actually did.

c) A week later she had a drunken ONS with the brother of a friend of hers and subsequently felt very guilty about it. Her guilt was possibly because she is not the kind of person who would do such a thing in normal course and her sense of morals were violated by her deed.

d) Her sister to whom she probably confided in turn informed you. When you confronted her with this fact, she broke down and confessed her infidelity. Subsequently she probably thought it over and decided that since she was seperated from you and had told you the marriage was over, that what she did was not cheating since her ties with you were already broken.

e) She had, in the mean time observed that you had made some serious changes for the better and that she could possibly think of reconciling with you if she was able to find the same spark that the two of you had at the beginning. However to do this she wants to date you all over again just as she would a new prospect. This may be the reason she does not want to wear her wedding ring. That would be tied to the baggage of your married life whereas she wants to start on a new footing. If things work put between you two afresh, she will resume wearing the ring. If not then she is single and can look out for some one else.

f) You have a choice to woo her afresh as you did the first time around or you can choose to treat her as a cheater and drop her from your life. For her this is not a reconciliation as some think but a fresh start and if it does not work out with you she is free to look out for someone else.

So to my mind your choices are limited to pursuing her or dropping her as a WW who you would be better off without. So choose wisely. Warm wishes.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry but this is a marriage. It's cheating unless the divorce is filed or both partners have agreed to see other people. I'm sorry if some people do not like that, but eh, reality isn't always something you need to like.

 

If she checked out of the marriage a long time ago? Super! Then that is when she should of filed for divorce.

 

Oh and one more thing, anyone ever hear the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right"? Of course you have. Here is another one: two wrongs don't cancel each other out. The husband had an EA? Sucks, divorce him.

 

You see this whole marriage business takes two people. So if just one thinks it is over and the other doesn't, guess what? It's cheating. She slept with another man a week after moving out. Frankly it's irrelevant if in her mind the marriage was over long before then.

Edited November 20, 2015 by Spectre

[Just a Guy]

Hi Spectre, Absolutely agree with you she cheated. I only suggested that she thought she had not as an afterthought

However the question is the one I posed to the OP. Does he want to woo her again and resume the marriage or does he want to dump her. Hope that clarifies things.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm sorry but this is a marriage. It's cheating unless the divorce is filed or both partners have agreed to see other people. I'm sorry if some people do not like that, but eh, reality isn't always something you need to like.

 

 

 

I'd say separation is a big step beyond agreeing to see other people. You live apart, you click a separate section on your tax form to file as a single person. It's a legally separate entity from marriage for a reason.

 

 

The difference between separation and divorce, is money, time and paperwork. That is about it.

 

 

If you think separation means, taking a few days break from each other, that is NOT what it means.

[road]

I think LoveShack is the only place I've ever heard of where having sex with someone while separated is considered cheating.

 

 

Separations often last for years before the actual divorce.

 

 

I agree a week is quick to move on, but it was a drunken one night stand, it wasn't like she went into a full relationship.

 

 

If you want to fix the relationship than do it, if you don't than don't. I don't think it's fair to consider her as having cheated on you though.

 

 

 

 

In a court of law being separated one can not be sued for divorce on the grounds of adultery if they date someone else.

 

 

What is legal and what is reality don not always line up.

 

 

How you may ask. One is that many a WW pull the we need to separated. Her reason given is not important. The real reason is to have an affair.

 

 

Another reason even if there was true marriage problems and the wife did was not having an affair but wanted to separate. When the WW does have her fling but then decides to return to the marriage she did not legally cheat on her BH.

 

 

This legal status clearing the WW for doing her OM does not lessen the pain her BH feels nor does it make recovery of the marriage easier.