Losing my wife

[Wooders]

Hello

 

Me and wife have been married for 17 months and it's the best thing I ever did. Before I met her I experimented with a another bloke and I was drunk at the time.

 

I choose not to tell my wife when we got together in feel of pushing her away.

 

8 years passed and nothing else happened with the bloke he use to msg me but I said how my feelings for my wife were. I know I should have blocked him.

 

Earlier this year my wife went to Thailand for 2 weeks she asked my thoughts on her going, I said I was not happy about but could not stop her from going. She carried on and went and it felt like I was being pushed away.

 

Low and behold he msg and I agree to meet, the only thing that happened was oral which he did to me. After this I went home and sat in the shower for 2 hours crying at what happened and hating myself for it.

 

While she was away I did some searching and knew that was not me due to not enjoying it, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my wife that's why I married her.

 

About a month ago she found out about this but seeing msg from him asking when I free next which I msg back and played along with. I honestly had no intentions of going to meet him after arranging to do so.

 

Know I am back at my parents and my wife is still at our house, she has advised she can't see it going back to how it was before. We have a holiday planned in March which we are going to Asia for a month.

 

I have told her I want to fight for this but it feels like a fighting a losing battle.

 

Any advise or help would be good and I know there will be some people who will want to give there thoughts about what a bast**ed I have been.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Matt a lost man

[PegNosePete]

Hi Matt,

Sorry to hear this. But you have to realize, actions have consequences. You chose to do this. It is foolish to say that it was not you. Who was it then? You chose to go ahead with it so you might as well own your decision and take responsibility for it.

 

You have presumably told your wife that you regret your actions, that you have learned from it, you have BLOCKED this guy, you promise that nothing like this will ever happen again, and you are prepared to do whatever it takes to rebuild her trust?

 

If you have told her that, then you need to give her space and let her choose her course of action. If she wants to rebuild the marriage then you need to do whatever she asks. If she chooses not to, then you need to respect her decision and divorce with grace.

 

I have told her I want to fight for this

I never understand what "fighting" for someone means. Who are you going to fight exactly?

[Wooders]

Yes I have told her that and she advised she can't see it going back to how it was before. That's the thing I want it to be different this time around. When I said fight I mean what we have/had our house and our family.

 

But how much space is good?

 

Thanks

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
name redacted ~6

[PegNosePete]

When I said fight I mean what we have/had our house and our family.

Yes but what does fight mean exactly? Fighting is confrontational action, it is aggressive. That is not what is needed here.

 

But how much space is good?

If she knows how you feel then the ball is in her court. You need to let her choose what she wants to do without pestering her constantly.

 

Give it a few days and if she hasn't made up her mind, you could ask her if she's made a decision yet. If not then it's reasonable for you to ask what she wants to do. Don't pressure her, but don't let her leave you in limbo indefinitely.

[FeelingFireworks]

Ok, no expert in this area but have to ask....Is the issue just about infidelity or is it complicated with coming to terms with sexual identity ?

 

You may love your wife, but sounds like you've got other problems you're not addressing.

 

First of all, fidelity wise..why keep in contact with this man for so many years or give him the means to reach you? Why even entertain conversation about meeting up down the line after the act you say you were so ashamed of? You say you were humouring him but I personally doubt it. That doesn't sound like the actions of a remorseful man.

 

Also, regarding sexuality... Do you experience feelings for men generally and have urges to engage in sexual or even emotional exploration with them? If so, don't you think you ought to be honest about that, not only to yourself but your wife?

 

You potentially have not one but two separate (and HUGE) trust issues to overcome. If I were her and This was news, it'd feel like a double slap in the face.

 

Sounds like you need to really assess why you acted the way which will require a huge dose of self honesty and introspection. Maybe a professional to speak with might help if that is indeed the case. But begging your wife to reconcile when you haven't sorted out the underlying cause of your actions might be jumping the gun.

 

Again, I'm not an expert in this area, but I think thats what I'd consider. Good luck.

[sandylee1]

Yes but what does fight mean exactly? Fighting is confrontational action, it is aggressive. That is not what is needed here.

 

 

If she knows how you feel then the ball is in her court. You need to let her choose what she wants to do without pestering her constantly.

 

Give it a few days and if she hasn't made up her mind, you could ask her if she's made a decision yet. If not then it's reasonable for you to ask what she wants to do. Don't pressure her, but don't let her leave you in limbo indefinitely.

 

Come on..he doesn't mean literally fight.

In this context he means..he'll try and win her back. Begging, pledging his love, etc. ..

 

Matt - infidelity can be a dealbreaker for many. They can't forgive...a man with another man is extra devastating for a lot of women.

 

It's something that as a woman ... I could not get over.

[Mr. Lucky]

You potentially have not one but two separate (and HUGE) trust issues to overcome. If I were her and This was news, it'd feel like a double slap in the face.

 

Well said and I think the OP has glossed over this.

 

Wooders, you're asking you wife to trust that:

 

- You won't cheat again

 

- You won't be as interested in men as you are in her

 

Either challenge is enough to derail a marriage.

 

If you truly accept yourself as you are, it may be that it takes a less conventional relationship to meet your needs...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wooders]

Thank you for all you replies.

 

I can honestly say now hand on heart I don't get urges for men at all, like I have told my wife the first time it happens I am really drunk which I know is not an excuse but felt like I was taken advantage of and I was single at the time. The 2nd time it was a honest mistake which I now wished never happens and I did not enjoy it after is happened I felt dirty cheap and disgusted with myself. I don't find men attractive in that way at all.

 

When I say fight I don't mean in a physical way I mean begging, pleading for our love.

 

I know what you mean by the questions in last post but deep down I know I am never going to cheat again with f/m and will not be intrested in men.

 

I want to be with my wife for rest of my life and to grow old with her and love and protect which so far I have failed.

[mystikmind2005]

'hand on heart' as the tune of denial lingers on.

[LuckyLady13]

You cheated on your wife after only 17 months? Wow.

 

She has no reason at all to trust you but is most likely also struggling to come to terms with the idea you may not actually even be attracted to women.

 

This is a beyond tough spot to put her in.

 

Personally, if I were her and it's only 17 months in, I'd get a divorce and never look back. Not being able to be monogamous for a mere 17 months would say a lot to me about a person and trust would be over and done permanently for me. That is a very real possibility you may have to face.

 

Your best bet is to give her space. A whole lot of space. Don't give her excuses (there aren't any) and learn to practice patience immediately.

 

In the meantime, if you can't drink without dropping your pants, you might not be able to drink at all. Might want to consider never drinking again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can honestly say now hand on heart I don't get urges for men at all, like I have told my wife the first time it happens I am really drunk which I know is not an excuse but felt like I was taken advantage of and I was single at the time. The 2nd time it was a honest mistake which I now wished never happens and I did not enjoy it after is happened I felt dirty cheap and disgusted with myself. I don't find men attractive in that way at all.

 

I hope this isn't the pitch you're giving her because it doesn't make sense. I've been drunk and I've made honest mistakes but neither instance found me having sex with another man.

 

Even if you believe you're not attracted to men, can you see why she'd have a hard time believing it ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Samhain]

I'm unsure of how an "honest mistake" means one man blowing another, who happens to be married. That's not an honest mistake. An honest mistake is walking out of a store with too much change and not realizing the assistant accidentally miscalculated.

 

Having an early homosexual encounter is experimenting (If that's your thing) .. Letting a guy blow you behind your wifes back is neither honest nor a mistake. I can only speak for me but I know for a fact I wouldn't ever want to be in any sexual situation with another guy, I wouldn't need to experiment or check to make sure. Lying to yourself ends up a lot worse than lying to your spouse.

[Wooders]

I know it bad that it was only 17 months. Like I said the first time it happened I was single and the the 2nd I know was wrong.

 

Believe me I hate myself for doing this to the person I love more than anything in the world, I know I have broken her trust. When we have spoken about it she has told me she dose not mind what I have done, just that I never told her about it when we first got together.

 

When she said this I gave the reason why which I will explain below and this is hard for me because I don't share emotions and feelings which I am seeking help with.

 

When I was younger I was the lad who kept himself to himself and did go out and do normal things kids did, so I never built friendship with people, this was the same in high school.

 

Then I sarted working for the company I work for now and this is where I met my wife, and believe me from the first moment I saw her I thought wow and this girl is out of my league. Then one day she sat next to me and I was this can't be real, at first I was shy but over the day we spoke p, she was in the middle,of splitting up with her ex and I listened to her situation. We carried on talking outside of work via msn and text, and the more I got to know about her the more I was liking her. We went on a few dates and the. I realised I was falling for in love with her, so quickly. I honestly thought about telling about this but I was scared that I would push her away and lose her. Looking back at things now I wish I had said something.

 

I just want to put things right with the woman I love and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. This brings me onto the next problem we have a trip to Asia booked for March which is a month away together and I unsure of what to do.

[Wooders]

Even if you believe you're not attracted to men, can you see why she'd have a hard time believing it ?

 

Yes I can see why she would find it hard to believe it, but I want to show I truthful I am being and show her it will never happen again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I honestly thought about telling about this but I was scared that I would push her away and lose her. Looking back at things now I wish I had said something.

 

This has nothing to do with your main issue. A one-time dip into bisexual waters as part of your overall sexual history is your own business. Whether you disclose this to a spouse is completely up to you.

 

After you're married, an outside sexual encounter with anyone, male or female, is cheating and solid grounds for divorce. This has nothing to do with experimentation and everything to do with self-inflicted damage to your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wooders]

Yes I understand that and I know regret it and I am being punished for it and could lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am taken actions to hopefully resolve this by going counselling, which my wife is aware of, I saw her yesterday and advised I am not giving up on us and we are meeting up at some point this week to talk.

[SoleMate]

OP, you may need to face the fact that you want sex with men and you have a homosexual orientation. (I don't know that for sure....you would benefit from professional help to clarify, see below.) This is a very important fact and you owe it to your wife to be honest with her. Heck, you owe it to YOURSELF to be honest with YOU! I see you are miserable and frightened right now.....I'm very sympathetic. Mental health and a good life depend on authenticity about your true desires and true needs. I suggest IC with a counselor who will help you be honest with yourself. I don't know if you can or should save your marriage, but I do know that HONESTY and AUTHENTICITY are the words you need to have in your mind as you go forward. Good luck, be brave.

[Wooders]

Thank you solemate.

i can confirm that I don't want sex with men, this I relised after what's happened I hated myself after and felt dirty and disgusting. I know this will never happened again because I can not put her and me through the pain and upset again.

 

I have started counselling in the last few days, and they have already found out the cause of the problems which they put together a programme to help me.

 

Hopefully my wife will see I am try to make amend and will hopefully give me a 2nd chances which I know she dose need to do, if she dose I am one lucky man,

[mystikmind2005]

I know it bad that it was only 17 months. Like I said the first time it happened I was single and the the 2nd I know was wrong.

 

Believe me I hate myself for doing this to the person I love more than anything in the world, I know I have broken her trust. When we have spoken about it she has told me she dose not mind what I have done, just that I never told her about it when we first got together.

 

When she said this I gave the reason why which I will explain below and this is hard for me because I don't share emotions and feelings which I am seeking help with.

 

When I was younger I was the lad who kept himself to himself and did go out and do normal things kids did, so I never built friendship with people, this was the same in high school.

 

Then I sarted working for the company I work for now and this is where I met my wife, and believe me from the first moment I saw her I thought wow and this girl is out of my league. Then one day she sat next to me and I was this can't be real, at first I was shy but over the day we spoke p, she was in the middle,of splitting up with her ex and I listened to her situation. We carried on talking outside of work via msn and text, and the more I got to know about her the more I was liking her. We went on a few dates and the. I realised I was falling for in love with her, so quickly. I honestly thought about telling about this but I was scared that I would push her away and lose her. Looking back at things now I wish I had said something.

 

I just want to put things right with the woman I love and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. This brings me onto the next problem we have a trip to Asia booked for March which is a month away together and I unsure of what to do.

 

I can understand the part about not telling her while you are first dating because you don't want to push her away - that part is perfectly reasonable. However, somewhere along the line there was an engagement, and then a marriage. Two key points were you should have told her, and you did not - that is an absolute betrayal , and the rules on this forum forbid me to say what i really think of you for that - and this is not even including the actual cheating.

[Hammie]

looking at things from her point of view, not only have you been unfaithful, but you did so with someone she cannot compete with.

 

That said, I think there are other problems in your relationship that you need to work through. You DID mind her going to Thailand, but you let her go. Having been in that situation myself, I know that not saying so brought up a lot of heartache for me. its not your choice if she went or not, and perhaps you wanted to let her do things in your marriage for fear of her losing feelings for you for making her miss out on things.

 

That to me is enough to suggest that you go to marriage guidence councelling, and I think its a good idea for you to suggest this to your wife as a way for both of you to be able to talk about this and deal with emotional problems in a constructive way. She may say no, but even if she does, attend yourself and use it as a tool to deal with any feelings you have.

 

Going out on a limb here, but I think from the short explanation you gave, you have emotional bonding issues and need reinforcement in those areas of your relationship, but you are using physical acts to fill a void that you arent getting elsewhere. I may be wrong, and only someone with the necessary experience would be able to tell you for sure, but I think its a good safe middle ground for both of you to explore feelings that this has brought up. hopefully you will both have a better understanding of your emotional needs in this relationship by the end of it

 

Good luck