NewLeaf512 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 O (thers) .. It seems like the holiday season being upon us is making the ex M(arrieds) feel moved to get in touch ( or at least try to). Have you experienced this ? Maybe this is silly but it seems that I would be more vulnerable during the holidays which traditionally for me was a lonely time when ex idiothead was in my life. It will probably be lonely but in a different way! Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Hm no... for my xMM the holiday season was never really something that he saw as a reason to contact me :/ Link to post Share on other sites
make-this-stick Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Certainly feeling jumpy here. In fact, I'm leaving the country tomorrow for a week, thereby dodging exMM's b'day and Thanksgiving. Phew! Now just need to book something exotic for Xmas, purely for avoidance sake. Wonder if he would foot the bill? Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 It should be lonely in a liberating way. You won't be spending the holidays lonely because the person you love is with their spouse and family celebrating, dropping you breadcrumbs here and there when they have a spare minute. You will be spending the holidays lonely because that chapter is over and you can now pave the way for future holidays that can be happy occasions spent with people who can invest all of their time and energy into you. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 NL, Turn over a new leaf and be nontraditional this holiday season. OneLov 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 It should be lonely in a liberating way. You won't be spending the holidays lonely because the person you love is with their spouse and family celebrating, dropping you breadcrumbs here and there when they have a spare minute. You will be spending the holidays lonely because that chapter is over and you can now pave the way for future holidays that can be happy occasions spent with people who can invest all of their time and energy into you. I am usually pretty untraditional but this year I made a date with my 80 year old neighbor who is a woman of class and emotional and intellectual substance and we are getting dressed in couture and dining at one of the most splendid places in my city .. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 The holidays were a nightmare for me last year. MM (xMM?) abruptly curtailed contact, and what interactions we had were weird and on the surface. I got the distinct impression that he was really trying to immerse himself in his family, especially his kids. He's VERY big on family, bio or in-laws, and "tradition". Again, another way in which we are very different -- I'm not sentimental about the holidays, typically, but I really didn't appreciate him falling off the face of the earth. I expect it to be no different this year, starting this week, in fact. And I was right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 The holidays were, for me, a time of abandonment by MM. I think this is fairly typical. Lots more time spent with his family means lots less time available for the OM/OW. I love your plan. Maybe put a spin on it. Instead of feeling lonely, maybe try to feel liberated! You are free from lying/sneaking and can live your life with integrity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 Good idea.. I was thinking (not sure what thread this would go in though?) Maybe have an OW thanksgiving day check in post. I'm so glad not to be waiting for a call this year. I wonder if they reach out because they feel badly or what! Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) O (thers) .. It seems like the holiday season being upon us is making the ex M(arrieds) feel moved to get in touch ( or at least try to). Have you experienced this ? Maybe this is silly but it seems that I would be more vulnerable during the holidays which traditionally for me was a lonely time when ex idiothead was in my life. It will probably be lonely but in a different way! The way you keep calling him an idiothead. Thats an ugly term. Seems you really hate him and it'd be easier to go on without him, like youd not be able to stomach contact anyways. Edited November 21, 2015 by privategal Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Share Posted November 21, 2015 The way you keep calling him an idiothead. Thats an ugly term. Seems you really hate him and it'd be easier to go on without him, like youd not be able to stomach contact anyways. I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong word and stronger emotion. In my circumstances I never got closure and that is a powerful draw. Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Last year CM contacted me complaining about how awful his Christmas had been pretending to be a family, blah blah then over new year he text me during his drama of he wanted to do something different yet ended up having to go to the same place as they go every year and sit there like a piece of furniture not enjoying it... Stupidly I replied and let him use me yet again as an emotional swing bin... Not this year. He's going to have to face his self induced drama and misery on his own like a grown up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I am usually pretty untraditional but this year I made a date with my 80 year old neighbor who is a woman of class and emotional and intellectual substance and we are getting dressed in couture and dining at one of the most splendid places in my city .. My daughter and I are doing exactly the same. A grand way to spend Christmas! Falalalalaaaaa! Cheers, Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 The holidays were a nightmare for me last year. MM (xMM?) abruptly curtailed contact, and what interactions we had were weird and on the surface. I got the distinct impression that he was really trying to immerse himself in his family, especially his kids. He's VERY big on family, bio or in-laws, and "tradition". Again, another way in which we are very different -- I'm not sentimental about the holidays, typically, but I really didn't appreciate him falling off the face of the earth. I expect it to be no different this year, starting this week, in fact. And I was right. Don't you just love the way they turn their faces around and play the big traditional family man? Pathetic creatures. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 NewLeaf it sounds like a lovely way to spend the Holiday. For myself, I surround myself with my grown children and my children's children on each and every Holiday, Birthday etc. Of course my X is there--we get along great and all want to be with the lovely little ones. It is magical. There is absolutely no where else I would rather be, or with, then with my family. I have never felt abandoned during a Holiday by him. Nor he by me (they don't have all the control ladies and gentleman) We always spent Thanksgiving Eve, Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, His Birthday --heck her Birthday--and mine together. We spent other Anniversaries together, but I won't go into that. I will just say I never had no contact on any special day of the year. Ever. And I have never had to initate contact--in all truth I never did. For those who felt abandoned I say to you--make this a New Year for yourself--focus on you and I wish you all the best. Let the Festivities begin! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I'm the MM on the other end. I felt I needed to post because I see that the OW is hurt like my ex OW was last year. For perspective because I see that there's always hate and anger towards the MM, the person you chose to stay with. For me, last Thanksgiving was a mess. While having dinner with all my family members, I kept running to the computer to keep her company. She knew time was limited and felt left out and I wasn't giving enough time to her. I felt the duty to be with my children and my parents and siblings. I even got into a car accident while trying to manage everything. I was like a zombie the whole evening. Christmas was a bad time too. I remember I was teary thinking she was all alone. I had bad holidays too like the OW. So no matter how you feel. Remember that an A is a mess for everyone. This year I'm no longer with her. I'm not sure how it will be for her or for me. Time will heal for everyone. Enjoy the holidays regardless. Surely an A is bad and it couldn't be perfect, right? We signed on knowing that? Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 NL, I'm a fan of your Christmas plan. I enjoy the atmosphere at high end Christmas luncheons. Last one I went to we stayed the night as well and had a light seafood supper by the pool (the joys of a Southern hemisphere silly season) after a fabulous leisurely long Christmas lunch. I even got my face painted with the kids; glittery bells and holly. So much fun! I guess I'm lucky in the Christmas mill as far as OW go. I always spend it with my xH and daughter and nobody's ever going to change that! So I've never felt neglected by MM at that time; we're both with family. MM and I celebrate NYE together. We go away for two or three nights. If/when our A ever ends, NYE will be the time when I suffer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Thank you for all the posts. I hate NYE and try to go to bed early (with my tiny dogs in bed with me) fireworks are awful, I never think of anything if possible Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 O (thers) .. It seems like the holiday season being upon us is making the ex M(arrieds) feel moved to get in touch ( or at least try to). Have you experienced this ? Maybe this is silly but it seems that I would be more vulnerable during the holidays which traditionally for me was a lonely time when ex idiothead was in my life. It will probably be lonely but in a different way! Just after Christmas / new year is the time most divorces get filed (in the UK, at least) because Ms that had been stumbling along are brought to a head when people are forced to spend unrelenting time together. (Also, some families delay the split until "after Christmas" so as not to spoil it for the kids.) so it's a pretty high stakes time, and APs do often reach out during this time to try to maintain their equilibrium. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 The holidays were, for me, a time of abandonment by MM. I think this is fairly typical. Lots more time spent with his family means lots less time available for the OM/OW. I love your plan. Maybe put a spin on it. Instead of feeling lonely, maybe try to feel liberated! You are free from lying/sneaking and can live your life with integrity. It was the same for me with xMM during the holidays, as well. And, I, too, like Newleafs plan and think it's good to see it like you're now free from the heaviness of the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Just after Christmas / new year is the time most divorces get filed (in the UK, at least) because Ms that had been stumbling along are brought to a head when people are forced to spend unrelenting time together. (Also, some families delay the split until "after Christmas" so as not to spoil it for the kids.) so it's a pretty high stakes time, and APs do often reach out during this time to try to maintain their equilibrium. Yes, new year is the time most divorces are filed. Stats show between 66% to 72% of divorce are filed by women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 'Just after Christmas / new year is the time most divorces get filed (in the UK, at least) because Ms that had been stumbling along are brought to a head when people are forced to spend unrelenting time together. (Also, some families delay the split until "after Christmas" so as not to spoil it for the kids.) so it's a pretty high stakes time, and APs do often reach out during this time to try to maintain their equilibrium.' This is true. And the tension and inevitable low spots can make the MM reach out to someone they feel will understand them and not make them feel bad at a time when their spouse is not necessarily feeling too loving. I realised in hindsight that for most of a year post affair, my WH would email his OW, Unknown to me, when we were supposedly working on the marriage, at times when I was confronting or challenging him on his behaviour. It was when his shame was triggered, although his way of dealing with it seems counter intuitive since it horrified me and confused and gave false hope to the ow. He has described it as an addiction he didn't understand,which made him feel he might be incapable of real love. He needed support from me and a psychologist to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Just after Christmas / new year is the time most divorces get filed (in the UK, at least) because Ms that had been stumbling along are brought to a head when people are forced to spend unrelenting time together. (Also, some families delay the split until "after Christmas" so as not to spoil it for the kids.) so it's a pretty high stakes time, and APs do often reach out during this time to try to maintain their equilibrium. I'm in the UK as well. Really glad I don't work in family law! Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Personally, I am more concerned that this will be the first Thanksgiving without my little brother, who is off at college. Though I think that will make Christmas something to be excited about, as we have his visit to look forward to. All my time will be focused on my little string bean this year. Sometimes, it is the little things that bring us the most joy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Thank you for all the posts. I hate NYE and try to go to bed early (with my tiny dogs in bed with me) fireworks are awful, I never think of anything if possible New Leaf: this may sound odd at first, but try it with me. I have been meditating regularly for a few months now, and it helps enormously. One of the things I learn is that we can choose our thoughts. Or at least decide which thoughts we want to pursue more deeply, and which we don't. Maybe try changing your thoughts re: NYE. Rather than viewing it with dread as a time of loneliness, try turning that evening into a retreat for yourself. A warm bath. Warm tea. Calm music. A favorite book or movie. An evening to reflect and set your intentions for the coming year. I have always felt in years past that I had to have someone to kiss at midnight on NYE or I was a loser. An old, forgotten hag. This is simply untrue. A cruel lie I told myself that robbed me of joy.I simply will not lie to myself like that anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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