Boyfriend had unresolved feelings for (former) crush for about a year into RS with me

[Mira93]

SUMMARY: Apparently my boyfriend of 2 years had unresolved feelings for a long-time crush (a female friend of his), even in the first half of our relationship. He says he now knows for sure he wants to be with me. I feel betrayed though, and I don't know how to deal with this. Because I got hurt, I don't know how to give myself a 100% to him again.

 

 

I'm looking for outside perspectives, since I'm having trouble understanding my boyfriend's P.O.V. It's a long story, but I REALLY need some thoughts of other people. I'll pose my main questions at the end. I have fragments marked with * to express my own thoughts on certain subjects.

 

So here's the situation:

 

My boyfriend (21) and I (22) have been together for 2 years. He has this female friend back from high school, who's ''one of the guys''. She's basically the only girl in their group of about 10 guy friends. In the beginning when I met her, he said that she was just a friend. For some reason I just didn't believe it. A few months later the subject came up again, and he admitted that he used to have a crush on her for a very long time, but that it was in the past and that it didn't matter anymore.

 

Then, after about 9 months dating, he suddenly broke up with me (May/June 2014), saying he never really had been in love with me, and that he didn't see us working out in the future (since he was going to move away for college). HOWEVER, he was crying his eyes out when breaking up with me! I thought that this was so weird, because why would you, as a guy who's usually not emotional, bawl your eyes out when you break up with a girl you don't really want anyway? Moreover, he had told me in those 9 months of dating he loved me a few times.

 

So, a few days after the break-up we spoke again, and he told me the real reason he broke up with me, namely that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by cheating on me once by having a drunk one-night-stand about 2 or 3 months in the relationship. He started feeling more and more guilty, and finally broke up with me not because of the reasons above, but because of his guilt, and because he thought I deserved better. For me, this indeed explains why he cried so much when he broke up with me; he didn't want to lose me. He said he really wanted me back. And so we got back together after a week.

 

He moved elsewhere (to a small island actually) for his college last year at the end of August. Now we can only see each other in the weekends, since he has to travel about 3 hours. It went well for a few months, until October last year, when he was acting a bit strange during a texting conversation. I phoned him, and he was just all over the place with his emotions. He said he loved me, yet he wanted to experiment with drugs, partying and other girls. BUT he also said he wasn't sure if his feelings for me were as strong as his feelings for his former crush had ever been. He also said he still thought of her every now and then, not in an "in-love" way, or feelings at all, just thoughts. This made him doubt our relationship. However, the next day he apologised, said he was having a really bad day and was also doubting his choice of studies, even his choice of friends. He said he basically wasn't sure of anything or anyone that day, period, but that he came to his senses the next day and realised he really did want to be with me.

 

Him saying he wanted to experiment other girls was bad enough, but I thought it was even more strange/hurtful how he brought this 'former' crush up again, since previously he had said that he got over her.

 

A month later (November 2014) he told me he went out with his friends (including his female friend), and that he had a conversation with her in which he finally (after 6 or 7 years) confessed to her that he had a crush on her all through high school. He had also asked her if she ever had feelings for him as well, and her response was that she did like him when they were 13 or so, but that that was it.

 

My boyfriend told me he was happy/relieved that he finally had this conversation with her, because it gave him closure, and he could now truly focus on our relationship. So for over the past year, he's been truly happy with me. He hasn't had any doubts.

 

So, now my boyfriend's happy and doesn't have any doubts anymore, yet for this past year I keep thinking back to all of what happened last year. I couldn't let it go. For a very long time I just didn't understand why he asked that girl if she had feelings for him as well. Why did he want to know? I asked him if he asked her that out of hope of getting with her if she'd answer yes. He said he didn't ask it for that reason, but simply because he just needed closure.* (read * below for my thoughts on this)

 

Anyway, I posted my story on Reddit as well, and I got only one reply from someone who said that I was just a rebound, or even surrogate for the girl he /really/ wanted, but since he got rejected by her, he just settled with me. This is also what I was afraid of, and this fear makes me feel second choice. I asked my boyfriend about this, and he said he really doesn't see it that way. He said he has had feelings for me from the start, but that the unresolved feelings for his female friend were standing in the way to /fully/ focus on me. Basically, I was not his second choice, I was a /new/ choice. A different person.**

 

Because I kept obsessing about this though, I brought it up to my boyfriend a few weeks ago. I mainly thought it was weird how he was so vague about his 'thoughts' of his former crush. So I asked him if they were really just plain thoughts, or if maybe those thoughts were actually feelings. I asked him to really dig, because I needed to know in order to understand what was going on in his head, so that I could move on as well and focus on the present. He said that now in hindsight, he realizes that in the first half year of our relationship, he probably still had feelings for his female friend, although not as strong as ''in-love'' feelings. He confessed that in those first six months or so he still wanted her attention, maybe even get with her if he could. He said though that over time his feelings for her faded whereas his feelings for me grew stronger and stronger and that he eventually fell in love with me, which is why he cried when he broke up with me; it hurt him just as much because he didn't /want/ to actually break up with me. He said that in that moment of breaking up with me, and the days after, he realised that he actually wanted to be with me.

 

I asked him why it took him so long though to have that conversation with his female friend. He said that he felt very ashamed of having a crush on her for so long, and that he wanted it to just go away. And then, when he met me and we got together, he didn't realize he still had unresolved feelings for her until he occasionally thought of her. It wasn't like he fantasized about her, or actively hoped to get with her. He said that she just randomly popped in her head every now and then, and that it confused/annoyed him. In the beginning he didn't want to tell me that he had these thoughts, because he didn't know what those thoughts meant either. At the time he didn't really make anything of it and just wanted to focus on us. At the same time he was afraid that if he did confess to me immediately that he was confused, he'd lose me instantly, and so he wanted to figure it out on his own first. Then he finally realized he just needed to have a conversation with his friend to get it out of his system. I asked him why it took him so long to actually have that conversation. He told me he didn't really know when to do it, because obviously it's kinda awkward to just randomly blurt it out. Moreover, they didn't see each other one-on-one, only in groups. Then one time this female friend during a night out complained to him that guys were not approaching her/were never interested in her. It was in this context that he felt he could finally confess, and then move on.

 

(Now going back to the conversation between my bf and me) - He said multiple times that for over the past year he knows for 100% sure he wants to be with me. A few weeks ago he even said he wished we lived together already. He actually even wants me to be even more in his life: he frequently says he wishes I'd come to the island where his college is at (I've been there only once), he wishes that I'd go with him and his friends to parties and stuff. He basically wants me to be 'more' in his life. Also, last year in November or December, he contacted my best friend to ask how he could deal with my depression at the time. For me, these are signs that he does truly care about me. If he just needed a distraction/rebound from his female friend, surely he wouldn't go for a depressed person who he can only see in the weekends right? If he just needed or wanted a distraction, he could've just chosen a girl on the island where he lives, or have one-night stands every weekend, right?

 

In a way, I also think it's kind of a plus that he confessed to me that he felt ashamed of his long-time crush, that he didn't want to tell me at first because of his shame. However, now that he finally did, I guess you could maybe say he's showing a vulnerable side by saying he felt shame. He's opening up to me about it, which I could take as a good sign.

 

I've read a thread of someone on here who fell in love with a girl who he initially thought was his rebound, but then when they broke up realised she wasn't just a rebound. I've also read other stories on reddit of people who married the person who they initially thought were their rebound, but who they genuinely fell in love with.

 

MY QUESTIONS: What do you guys think about this? Am I being naive? Am I second choice? Does the female friend rejecting him mean he's just settling for me? Or can someone indeed struggle with unresolved feelings for an ex/former crush, then find someone new, finally find closure with the ex/former crush and then truly fall in love with this new person? I'm afraid that her rejection of him caused him to convince that he should go for me, whereas I think that that's not really a valid reason..? I feel he should've known from within his self that he wanted to be with me, that he shouldn't have needed that rejection in order to focus on me. Or am I seeing this wrong? Is it perhaps the case that he didn't /need/ that rejection, but that he needed closure (like he said), and that it just happens that the closure coincided with rejection?

 

I would really like to hear if some of you guys has been in my boyfriend's shoes before. Should I believe him now when he says he wants me, and only me?

 

 

I really hope some of you will find the time to read and reply!

 

P.S. Sorry for the huge essay, I just felt like I needed to incluse as much info as possible for you guys to understand.

 

*I still thought/think it's odd, but maybe that's just because I'm not like that. I don't need to necessarily have such a conversation with a (former) crush to get closure. But maybe some people do. Then I realized, okay, maybe it's not so weird to want to know if your former crush has ever had feelings for you as well, even if it doesn't matter in the present, it's always nice to know if you could've gotten with someone you've liked. I guess it's an ego-boost kind of thing. What I feared (and still fear) though, is that he only got over her because he simply got rejected and that there's just no possibility of getting with her.

 

**Sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah that make's sense actually. I mean, I've had crushes/been in love with other guys before, and it's not like that my boyfriend is like 5th choice just because I've liked 4 others before him. He's just a new person. Yet still it bugs me!

Edited November 19, 2015 by Mira93
forgot to put a summary at the beginning

[PegNosePete]

Then, after about 9 months dating, he suddenly broke up with me (May/June 2014), saying he never really had been in love with me, and that he didn't see us working out in the future (since he was going to move away for college).

This is the first point at which you should have dropped him and never gone back.

 

he told me the real reason he broke up with me, namely that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by cheating on me once by having a drunk one-night-stand

This is the second.

 

he wanted to experiment with drugs, partying and other girls.

The third.

 

For a very long time I just didn't understand why he asked that girl if she had feelings for him as well. Why did he want to know?

It's pretty clear really, despite his excuses. He wanted to know if she felt the same. If she did, then he would dump you and be with her. If not then he would stick with you, his second choice.

 

Is it perhaps the case that he didn't /need/ that rejection, but that he needed closure (like he said), and that it just happens that the closure coincided with rejection?

Nobody "needs" that kind of closure. If you are happy with your partner then you don't care whether someone else had feelings for you at some point in the past, or not.

 

Should I believe him now when he says he wants me, and only me?

At the time you were certainly 2nd choice. If it were me, I would've dumped him and never spoken to him again, 3 times as mentioned above. Maybe now he does only want you? It's going to be a long and bumpy road, to begin a relationship so badly is never a good idea. Good relationships need a strong foundation.

[Lois_Griffin]

I didn't even have to read this whole wall of text.

 

Once I read he was 21, pretty much all the rules went right out the window.

 

He's still a boy at 21. He's simply acting like boys his age act.

 

Find someone older and more mature.

[mrldii]

I'm somewhere between (?) the other two posters' replies, OP.

 

At 22 and 21, you two are asking a LOT of "Love"; you two are still growing and changing and have not even experienced all the things necessary to know WHO you both are as individuals, let alone who you'll be as a couple.

 

Date him, see him, have sex with him, whatever...but know that the chances of you two being in love - and with one another - forever are very, very slim.

 

As it should be. You're supposed to grow and change and evolve and move on to bigger and better things...that's what life is all about.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

[smackie9]

If you want someone that is emotionally available 100%....find another BF.

[Mira93]

This is the first point at which you should have dropped him and never gone back.

 

 

This is the second.

 

 

The third.

 

 

It's pretty clear really, despite his excuses. He wanted to know if she felt the same. If she did, then he would dump you and be with her. If not then he would stick with you, his second choice.

 

 

Nobody "needs" that kind of closure. If you are happy with your partner then you don't care whether someone else had feelings for you at some point in the past, or not.

 

 

At the time you were certainly 2nd choice. If it were me, I would've dumped him and never spoken to him again, 3 times as mentioned above. Maybe now he does only want you? It's going to be a long and bumpy road, to begin a relationship so badly is never a good idea. Good relationships need a strong foundation.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read all this, and thank you for replying.

 

He did say indeed that he wanted to know if she felt the same. However, he said he didn't want to know it out of hope. It was just that the conversation went that way, and they were talking about the past and 'has beens'. Wanting to know if someone felt the same doesn't necessarily mean hoping that person feels the same.

 

I'm not sure about the closure part...I've heard some people are just like that; they need to confess in order to move on. Some people just feel relieved by doing so. I have a gay friend who recently told me he thought that maybe he actually liked me before he didn't know that he was gay.

 

Also, I'm not sure if the fact that all this happened means that it can not ever work out. Obviously it's far from ideal how things started out, HOWEVER, I know that many people get into a relationship not really sure where it's going (whether it's because they have unresolved feelings, or whether it's something else standing in the way). Moreover, if I do start dating someone new, chances are that new person would have unresolved feelings (in the beginning) for an ex as well, but just chooses not to tell me.

 

He keeps saying that all of this happened in the past, and that he's happy to be with me now, and that that's all that should matter. I also wish I could focus on the present, but I also don't want to get burned again.

 

I see two options basically: breaking up, or starting over now I know the complete truth. Most of you probably think I'm an idiot if I'd go for starting over with him

[Mira93]

If you want someone that is emotionally available 100%....find another BF.

 

Thanks for reading and replying.

 

He was indeed emotionally unavailable in the beginning. But now he is. You think I should dump him because he wasn't emotionally available from the start?

[Mira93]

I'm somewhere between (?) the other two posters' replies, OP.

 

At 22 and 21, you two are asking a LOT of "Love"; you two are still growing and changing and have not even experienced all the things necessary to know WHO you both are as individuals, let alone who you'll be as a couple.

 

Date him, see him, have sex with him, whatever...but know that the chances of you two being in love - and with one another - forever are very, very slim.

 

As it should be. You're supposed to grow and change and evolve and move on to bigger and better things...that's what life is all about.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

Thank you for replying.

 

I know that we're both still young, and I know that people are supposed to grow and evolve. However, I also feel that nowadays we throw away relationships so fast because when one thing happens we don't like, we immediately want something that's better. Maybe I'm super naive, but in a way our relationship could possibly only get better, because the worst has happened, and I finally know the truth. Because in that first year, I've always felt like something was off between him and me, like he was weird about that female friend. It's only now that I discovered what it was.

 

I guess yeah, in the beginning I was probably his second choice. He said so himself that in that first half year that if he got the chance, he may have gotten with her. But does that mean that I'm still his second choice?

 

I'm all for growing and evolving, but I also feel like I could do it together with him. Maybe I'm dumb...

[Mira93]

I didn't even have to read this whole wall of text.

 

Once I read he was 21, pretty much all the rules went right out the window.

 

He's still a boy at 21. He's simply acting like boys his age act.

 

Find someone older and more mature.

 

 

I know we're young, and I do feel more mature than him tbh. My question was more if it was possible to have a long-time crush, then find someone new and finally get over the long-time crush.

[PegNosePete]

However, he said he didn't want to know it out of hope.

Yes, that's what he told you. I call BS on that.

 

I'm not sure if the fact that all this happened means that it can not ever work out.

Yes, I agree. However this issue will always be there in the background. Starting off on such a bad foot is not a good way to build a future relationship. It has a rocky foundation. That doesn't mean the first storm will blow it over; it does mean however, that it is more easily blown over than most.

 

Moreover, if I do start dating someone new, chances are that new person would have unresolved feelings (in the beginning) for an ex as well, but just chooses not to tell me.

Uh, not at all. I would say the majority of people looking to date do not have unresolved feelings for others. You're being very pessimistic here!

 

I see two options basically: breaking up, or starting over now I know the complete truth. Most of you probably think I'm an idiot if I'd go for starting over with him

Not at all. Just go in with open eyes. This relationship has a high chance of ending badly for you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take the chance, that's a decision you alone can make. Just be aware it's a very risky investment.

[Mira93]

Yes, that's what he told you. I call BS on that.

 

 

Yes, I agree. However this issue will always be there in the background. Starting off on such a bad foot is not a good way to build a future relationship. It has a rocky foundation. That doesn't mean the first storm will blow it over; it does mean however, that it is more easily blown over than most.

 

 

Uh, not at all. I would say the majority of people looking to date do not have unresolved feelings for others. You're being very pessimistic here!

 

 

Not at all. Just go in with open eyes. This relationship has a high chance of ending badly for you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take the chance, that's a decision you alone can make. Just be aware it's a very risky investment.

 

 

(I'm new here btw, so I don't know how to do that quoting thing like you do, sorry)

 

Okay, wait, let me explain it better. He did say he hoped she (had) felt that way, but not hope in the sense of getting with her. He hoped she did because it would boost his ego. He asked her because the conversation went in that direction anyway. Personally, I don't find this that strange. If I'd ever had the chance to speak with a former crush and the topic arises, I'd perhaps too ask if it ever had been mutual, without having an agenda. In fact, this semester a guy from high school (4 years ago) became my classmate once again in a course. Multiple friends of mine told me that he had liked me back in high school. Now I cannot deny that when I first saw him again after 4 years and making small talk, I felt the curiosity to ask him if it was true (but I was too shy/scared to ask). And it was just that; curiosity. But it wasn't anything important or big. (Btw, my boyfriend and his female friend were drunk when they had their conversation).

 

I agree with the rocky foundation. I've actually told my BF that I sometimes feel like we met at a wrong time; that he first should've lived his life, work out his feelings, and then when he was actually sure he wanted to be with me, then go for me. But the problem is that we cannot change all this; he met me when he didn't know yet what he wanted, developed feelings for me, did not want to lose me, thus kept me while struggling with his feelings, and then finally resolved his feelings. And now, for over a year he's been saying he only wants me (he mentioned he wishes we lived together, he frequently wants to go on vacations together). So, my main issue is basically if I should throw the relationship we've had for the past year away because he wasn't sure in the first half year? I am a person who lingers in the past a lot, which prevents me from enjoying the present. Should I leave now because it wasn't good back in the past? Or should I stop obsessing over the past, and focus on the present?

 

 

Thanks again for replying, I appreciate it. It helps me figure out my thoughts.

[smackie9]

Thanks for reading and replying.

 

He was indeed emotionally unavailable in the beginning. But now he is. You think I should dump him because he wasn't emotionally available from the start?

Dear just because he says he is, doesn't mean it's the truth.

[PegNosePete]

He did say.....

Yes he said a lot of things and as I said above I call BS on everything he said.

 

He was clearly hoping she would return his feelings, and if she had, he would be with her now instead of you.

 

So, my main issue is basically if I should throw the relationship we've had for the past year away because he wasn't sure in the first half year? I am a person who lingers in the past a lot, which prevents me from enjoying the present.

Well, nobody can tell you what to do. It's a decision for you alone. But if you're not happy in the present (whatever the cause) then that would be a major problem. Everyone deserves happiness and if you're not, then you need to figure out what you need to do to be happy, whether that is ending the relationship or working through this issue. Life is too short to remain in an unhappy relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl...you're a doormat. And he knows it. He uses that to his advantage.

 

Where on earth are your standards? Your self-respect?

 

Sorry , but there are so many deal-breakers here I'd have left him so fast he his would spin.

 

To answer your question, yes, I feel you're being quite naive.

[sandylee1]

Don't live with him.

 

If you think you can get over him still crushing on her when he got with you (for 9 months) and cheating on you .... then it's your choice to stay.

 

Me personally.... I could not stay. I'll always know that he wasn't that into me and I just couldn't get past it. I'd always feel like the consolation prize. I'd always feel that if his crush changed her mind... he'd be gone. The whole thing would be a massive dent to my ego and my confidence could not take it.

 

I also think he would have dumped you if her feelings were mutual despite his denial.

 

You can tell him how you feel.... and say you feel unsure.... as I'm sure he would do in your position. He's hurt you on 3 major occasions and perhaps a new love would be best. You're young enough and have your whole life ahead.

 

Look at it this way... if he's not the guy you'd like to marry... dump him now. No point in wasting your time and effort.

 

If you think he could be your future husband.... it's up to you. Does he have ALL the qualities you want?

Is he a good boyfriend now?

What does he do to show he loves you ??

Is he attentive to your needs?

How has he tried to make up for messing you around these times ...apart from saying sorry?

 

Did he beg..plead...profess his love for you?

 

Because I'd expect fantastic treatment from a guy who did this to me. I'd expect to be treated like a princess and almost worshipped after how he'd hurt me. Does he do this?

 

I've never gone into a relationship with feelings for an EX......so don't believe this is true.

 

Don't settle for less. You're not a desperate older woman with baggage.