apple3.14 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Hello I am a divorced mom and 2 teens and feeling lost. I have been with my MM for a little over 3 years now. When we met he said he was separated but still living at home, with W and 3 children (2 young adults, 1 teen). The divorce process started shortly after we started seeing each other, then after a year he moved in with me. He has not had a court date since he filed, always an excuse as to why, which is usually money. However he finds ways to pay for other things. He won't sell some of his other things, and says she will get half anyways so why bother and that her and kids will be displaced and have to find a new place to live because she can't afford the house and either will he. Like he is living 3 lives..work, us, and his W and kids. His W and children know he has a girlfriend, they have unofficially met me (stores, local community events). He doesn't always tell them when he is going out of town and if he does he lies about where he is going. When his kids call, ask what he is doing, he never mentions he is with me or what exactly he is doing. He hasn't offered for me to meet his children, he says he is waiting for them to ask. He has had many personal issues going on in his life, and has been what I seems to be depression and anxiety on and off for the past 8 months and gets worse each time. He wont seek help. I don't want to just drop him, but it's taking a toll on me and my kids aren't stupid. I have taken a different approach this time, and that is not to put my life on hold, let him have his space and not hold his hand like a child. There is a part of me that just can't do this anymore, but other part doesn't want to give up Another part of me thinks I should give him an ultimatum. Seems like this could and should be the end of the road..sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 A divorce simply isn't a priority for him. He's got someone basically providing a home for him and I have a sneaking suspicion you're the one who pays for most of it while he throws all his guilt money to the family he left. Why should he hurry a divorce if he doesn't need to? You've given him a place to live, 3 squares a day, clean clothes to wear, you probably do pretty much all of the domestic chores around the place and all he has to do is come home after sneaking over to his marital home and lying about it to you, and hang his hat up and sit his ass down on the couch. He's got it made. Why would he divorce? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 The divorce process started shortly after we started seeing each other, then after a year he moved in with me. He has not had a court date since he filed, always an excuse as to why, which is usually money. However he finds ways to pay for other things. He won't sell some of his other things... If he filed for divorce it is highly discouraged that he sells anything (if he is in the U.S.). But yeah, I am with Lois, simply put he has no reason to file. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 He went from living with his W to living with you. He will not fully bring you into his life and he will not fully separate from her. He has no reason to divorce. His W isn't pushing it since it is not financially in her best interest. You are not pushing it since you are afraid of losing him. He lies to everyone about everything. Your kids are watching. Let them see you make healthy choices. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 He doesn't want you meeting his kids because he's not fully come clean about you to them and his (ex) wife. He's not ready to divorce either. Those who want to divorce, do so. If you are unhappy with your relationship (affair) with him, think about ending it and tell him to call you when he's actually single and ready to give all to you instead of not putting you high on his priority list. It sounds dishonest and yes, like he's still living a double life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 He's using you. Send him back to his wife and kids. Poppy.aX 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 OP, How confident are you he is being honest with you about filing for divorce? Have you ever seen any documents with a case number or recording information? The only way a divorce takes +3 years to finalize is where there is ongoing litigation. Generally, there are two reasons for litigation in a divorce: 1. There are many assets involved. 2. One party does not want a divorce and is improperly filing paperwork to delay the process. His actions make me question whether he is being completely honest with you and his family. I am not saying an otherwise vanilla divorce cannot take years; it definitely can. You say his family is aware he has a girlfriend and that you have unofficially met them, but do they know you are the girlfriend? It seems like he is going to great lengths to hide that fact. If there is a divorce in the works and they are all supposedly aware of this fact; the unavoidable question is why does he make such efforts to hide this already known fact? You need to give him this ultimatum: Be more open and honest in communications with me that concern "us" going forward, or I'm going to find someone who is willing to. You don't deserve to be kept in the dark about your own relationship. A communication breakdown is the first step on the path that leads to 99% of all affairs. If you aren't on same page as him, make him tell you the page number. If he is unwilling to do so, you must close the book. OneLov 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author apple3.14 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 There are alot of assests..including a business. They went thru this process about 10yrs ago, over a period of 2.5 years..never finished due the youngeset being born. She isn't exactly pushing either. There has been a filing, I found it in the public records. My other question is, how do I approach this ultimatum with the holidays and his roller coaster state of mind? Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 My other question is, how do I approach this ultimatum with the holidays and his roller coaster state of mind? Be ready to accept his choice, regardless if he chooses them, by choosing you. Do not temper your words or make concessions out of fear of losing him or you. Be clear you need this assurance to continue the relationship with him. You do not need to justify your rationale for wanting to know the answers to your reasonable questions. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 There are alot of assests..including a business. They went thru this process about 10yrs ago, over a period of 2.5 years..never finished due the youngeset being born. She isn't exactly pushing either. There has been a filing, I found it in the public records. My other question is, how do I approach this ultimatum with the holidays and his roller coaster state of mind? Huh? Are you saying that they tried to divorce 10 yrs ago and while in the process your MM got the BW pregnant and they had a baby? While they were trying to divorce? That sounds mighty odd to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 So do you love him? Sounds like now that you've "won" you find he's not the constellation prize. Listen, divorce is real REAL HARD. Have a heart t9 heart...tell him its YOUR home, there are kids involved and you NEED a man who is in or out 100% Tell him you want to tidy up the loose ends and make your relationship legitimate or he can go. I wish you could have fun, and date, and be in love. Not as much fun when sh%t gets real huh? Take a stand and ask him 100% to get this done so you can date and work on only you guys as a team. This unfinished business is holding you back from finding your way as a couple. It might not be happy ever after as you thought÷ Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 seems like you're stuck with this loser until you give him a concrete ultimatum. why would he change the status quo when he lives with you, gets to visit his family, and bears no fallout for his questionable decisions. as long as you allow him to act this way- like a child with no responsibilities - he's not gonna move an inch. you're enabling him... time for the child to grow up and face the consequences of his adult decisions, dontcha think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author apple3.14 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 Yes I do love him. We talked a little bit last night. He has family that comes from out of state, to celebrate the holidays in a home they own here. I said I don't want to be excluded again from being included with your family for the holidays, it is hurtful. His kids may or not be their mother elsewhere and my kids with their father. His family wants to meet me, they asked last time they were in town..he is the hesitant one. I said I am sorry but if this continues, we will have to seperate until, when and if, he can tie up his loose ends. For the first time, I saw a scared and lost look in his eyes. However, I didn't let that change and I stand by my feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I wouldn't break up with him on the cusp of the holidays. It's going to be too hard to deal with. Wait until the new year and make a decision. He's needs to get off the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Yes I do love him. We talked a little bit last night. He has family that comes from out of state, to celebrate the holidays in a home they own here. I said I don't want to be excluded again from being included with your family for the holidays, it is hurtful. His kids may or not be their mother elsewhere and my kids with their father. His family wants to meet me, they asked last time they were in town..he is the hesitant one. I said I am sorry but if this continues, we will have to seperate until, when and if, he can tie up his loose ends. For the first time, I saw a scared and lost look in his eyes. However, I didn't let that change and I stand by my feelings. Good for you for speaking up. For whatever reason he isn't ready or comfortable introducing you to his family, so let him do his family thing without you and you make plans to see friends or other family members (parents, siblings etc) and give him space to figure it out. Doesn't mean you're breaking up with him but really, there's no point in continuing to invest in someone who isn't investing in you and it does seem like he isn't ready for a real open relationship, sharing and involving you in all aspects of his life. You want more and deserve more but he can't give that to you, so don't settle for less! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Actions > words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author apple3.14 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Actions do speak louder than words! Some of his actions are wonderful, however when it comes to his family,kids and this divorce..actions or lack of, aren't speaking at all. He has not once yet asked his family if I can come with, and why are they still inviting the soon to be ex, he doesn't question or fight it. I want him to stand up for me and our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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