Is this a control thing?

[dgiirl]

Ok, I'm just venting here. But I'm also wondering if I'm over exaggerating because I was talking to a girl friend, and we were both talking about how guys like to be in control, even when they do the breaking up.

 

To summarize my story, my stbxh came home on valentines day, dropped the d-bomb, and left the next day. Few days after, I found out about OW. We've had very little contact since then, and most of it is for settling the legalities.

 

The first month he was very adamant about me giving him a figure for the house/assets. He didnt want me to see a lawyer before we came to a compromise. I saw a lawyer without telling him, and he freaked out saying I was doing things behind his back. I told him I just wanted to know my rights before giving him a number. After that I told him he needs to help me figure out a plan. He told me to give him a few days. He then went to see a lawyer. He came back saying everything my lawyer already stated. I said great, now lets start talking numbers. He said "give me a few days, and my lawyer will draw something up" A month later, he comes back saying the same thing with no numbers. I told him since he was the one who wanted a divorce, he should put down the numbers first. He said ok, give me a week to get the papers drawn up. Now it's been two weeks.

 

During this time, he's IMed me out of the blue twice to ask if he can come over with some contractors to repair the house for selling. I told him sure, but confirm. Both times he didnt confirm, leaving me dangling, forcing me to contact him to see what's going on. I was stopping my plans for him.

 

Now he just emailed me saying he's transfering his bills when he moves into his new place. I said ok, and I asked him for the account and phone numbers for the bills so I can call them up. He replies saying "What do you want me to do? Transfer the bills into your name?". All I asked was for the account/phone numbers. I didnt ask him to do anything. I restated my request telling him i will call them to figure out my options, and he's just replied saying No problem, i'll get them to transfer everything into your name. Am I missing something?!

 

I've been recording all the little contacts that he's made, and it seems the max between contact has been 12 days.

 

Am I over reacting, or is this a control thing? He certainly seems like everything's normal and wants this divorce. Maybe I'm reading too much into what he's doing?

[alphamale]

sounds like normal divorce proceedings to me....it will get worse before it gets better. Good luck

[dgiirl]

yippee, looking forward to it.

[laRubiaBonita]

Originally posted by dgiirl

yippee, looking forward to it.

 

so why not shut some of his efforts to take control down?

 

if he tells you he is gonna come by with a contractor, tell him no.

 

Get your own lawyer to draw papers up for you and your interest.

 

the only reason he has control, is cause you are to dumb-founded and lost to tell him no, stop, or otherwise.

 

You are GIVING him the control!!

 

So you need to take some control over how you want this to play out in YOUR life....or live with his decisions.

[CurlyIam]

Our ruby there is right . Have the lawyer look over the papers and have him do the numbers. Take the bulls by the horns and start running the show. It's the only way to get peace, dgiirl!

[dgiirl]

Hmmm, I guess I can see your POV. But still, he's telling me one thing, and not following through. It's not like I wanted the divorce. I guess that's why he has control. But cant he just do it and get it over with?

[CurlyIam]

I think I understand a bit your situation. He was the one to decide everything, to do make most things happen, right? That puts you in the position of a passive partner and it's really hard to get out of that spot, once you've spent years there. The routine settled in and it becomes even harder to break free. Not that you realise you want or need to be free from that role.

 

Ask yourself: do you want to be married to him? If you do, don't just stay there, go after him, fight for him. IF you're still inlove, make it happen. I know you probably feel numed right now and powerless. You're not. IT's just the place that you're in. You're dissoriented, that's all. And you're afraid to use your power, so you'd rather not to and let him do everything, just like before. You are the master of everything that happens in your own life. And if ever you're defeated, you'll at least speel well at night knowing that you've put up a good fight.

 

 

If you don't want to be married, on the other hand, speed up the divorce and make the healing process happen.

 

Dgiirl, you are not divorced. I even know if your husband wants a divorce and nor do you. I don't think he knows what he wants. I do know that a relationship needs balance and that people who keep leading get tired and need comfort themselves. Need to rest from deciding, if even for a while.

 

 

Think about it.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I think I understand a bit your situation. He was the one to decide everything, to do make most things happen, right? That puts you in the position of a passive partner and it's really hard to get out of that spot, once you've spent years there. The routine settled in and it becomes even harder to break free. Not that you realise you want or need to be free from that role.

 

Yes exactly. I realize now I need to be free from that role. It wasnt a healthy position to be in for either of us.

 

Ask yourself: do you want to be married to him? If you do, don't just stay there, go after him, fight for him. IF you're still inlove, make it happen. I know you probably feel numed right now and powerless. You're not. IT's just the place that you're in. You're dissoriented, that's all. And you're afraid to use your power, so you'd rather not to and let him do everything, just like before. You are the master of everything that happens in your own life. And if ever you're defeated, you'll at least speel well at night knowing that you've put up a good fight.

 

Right now, I'm not sure what I want. But I have fought for him. But the more I fought, the more he pulled away. I've told him I always appreciated everything he did, I was always proud to be his wife, that I never once thought about getting a divorce. That I'm willing to go to counselling to work on our problems. I've told him why certain things happened, and how I was feeling that made them happen the way they did. I told him if he ever wants to come back, to let me know, and not to make decisions for me. I never once scolded him for this OW, and in fact, I told him I understood why it happened. I told him I only want him to be happy, and if he's not happy, then he should leave. My therapist is shocked at all the things that I did, and doesnt understand what is missing from our relationship.

 

He's been quiet for a atleast 3 years, and never talked to anyone. There were a few instances in the marriage where I tried talking to him if everything was fine. He either got offended that I'd ask, or reassured me everything was fine. He's told me some really awful things when he left. He never loved me, never wanted to get married, only got married because he didnt want to hurt my feelings, he's played some karma crap on me. At first I didnt believe any of this, but now I'm wondering. If this is true, then I dont want him back. If it's not true, then we could work on things. I'm really upset that he just ran without telling _anyone_ what he was feeling. I'm not a victim, but I cant change my behaviour if I dont know it's pissing him off.

 

If you don't want to be married, on the other hand, speed up the divorce and make the healing process happen.

 

That's why i've been letting him do all the planning. I made myself secure in getting a lawyer, knowing my rights, going to counselling. Once that was all done, I rested and took care of me. I've been healing, and I'm starting to recoginize my old self. I didnt realize how much I lost of myself in this relationship. I think he's a good guy, but there are things we didnt communicate properly on, and both our self-worth got destroyed.

 

Dgiirl, you are not divorced. I even know if your husband wants a divorce and nor do you. I don't think he knows what he wants. I do know that a relationship needs balance and that people who keep leading get tired and need comfort themselves. Need to rest from deciding, if even for a while.

 

I dont have a clue on how to figure out what he wants. He's clearly said that he wants a divorce, and there's no going back. I know he was angry when he said it, and he blames me for a lot of his unhappiness. But since this, the communication has been very limited. At a certain point, I just have to let him make his decisions.

 

As for the control thing, I am coming up with alternate solutions that is good for both of us, finding friends to pick up mail so he can come over w/o me home for the contractor. I do not want to help him in this divorce, but at a certain point, I'm going to have to because it hurts too much.

 

Think about it.

 

This is all I think about

 

Thanks Curly You're post is very much appreciated!

 

 

P.s : Lesson of the day, when communicating with an Ex via email, use lots and lots of 's

[CurlyIam]

Accepting the fact that you cannot help the other person, no matter how much you love them or want to make them better is very hard.

 

He's got issues, lots of them. I don't know how you could take the OW crap, but then, we all deal with it differently. Main point: instead of dealing with it, he'd rather blame it on everybody else. You for marrying him, you for staying with him, you for loving him... I imagine you didn't make him sign the marriage papers at a gun point, did you?

 

Some people are just f*cked up. That's how they are and that's how they like to stay.

 

Too much trouble, dgiirl. Too many unanswered questions. I'm happy to see you're doing ok. I say don't waiste one second of your time thinking about him. He's not well. And it's his problem.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

He's got issues, lots of them. I don't know how you could take the OW crap, but then, we all deal with it differently.

 

Half of me accepts the OW stuff, half of me is really angry. I know it's very confusing when you have a spark with someone, and your heart is torn in two. It makes you feel excited and alive again. It's the last thing that you wanted to happen, but it did. I've been in that situation once, a really long time ago, way before being married. During my university days, I use to have a lot of guy friends, who I only wanted friendship with, come out and tell me they liked me, meanwhile I had a bf. I learned from that lesson, and I always made conscience choices to NOT be in a situation like that again. Not to be alone with guy friends.

 

But I am very very upset that he made a conscience choice to plan meeting this OW on atleast 3 different occasions while I was at work. This really pisses me off, and since he doesnt even regret what has happened, I could never forgive that.

 

Main point: instead of dealing with it, he'd rather blame it on everybody else. You for marrying him, you for staying with him, you for loving him... I imagine you didn't make him sign the marriage papers at a gun point, did you?

 

Well, my pa was in da background wit da shatgun... lol nah, j/k There were no guns or lethal weapons

 

 

Too much trouble, dgiirl. Too many unanswered questions. I'm happy to see you're doing ok. I say don't waiste one second of your time thinking about him. He's not well. And it's his problem.

 

I do hear what you're saying. But it's so much easier said then done. I guess the good thing is, there's a timeline for my situation. On top of this, I'll be losing my job and transfering to another city. The time has been extended, but I see this happening in the next few months. Max 6 months once we sell the house. I have no reason to stay where I am since all my family/friends are in the other city.

[CurlyIam]

Well, at least you're not a crab ;) !!

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Well, at least you're not a crab ;) !!

 

lol Yes, that poor crab!!! Now he's had it tough

[CurlyIam]

LOL!!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I wouldn't necessarily say that the things he is doing about the divorce are "control things". The not wanting you to see a lawyer, and the "give me a figure" stuff, are just tactics to improve his odds at gaining a favorable settlement. Like someone else said, it sounds like normal divorce stuff. He has some mixed feelings about it, but is doing it anyway, because he has decided that it is what he wants. He does not do what he says, because he is probably somewhat ambivalent about certain aspects of the divorce, but he is probably going to go through with it anyway. Just hang in there. As someone said, it will likely get worse before getting better. If he wanted any forgiveness or to reconcile, he would have to tell you that directly himself. He has not done that, and probably won't. By the way, you did the right thing seeing a lawyer. Be sure to listen carefully and do what your lawyer says.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by WithOrWithoutYou

Just hang in there. As someone said, it will likely get worse before getting better.

 

Yeah, I realize that. At the time I posted, I was having an email conflict with him. He was getting all pissy, and I didnt ask him to do me anything. He's so use to doing everything, that he assumes I need him to do it. I would assume it might be bugging him a bit that I'm not asking him to do me any favors. The night before he left, he offered to stay in the house so he can teach me how to live on my own. I told him if he wanted to leave, then leave. I didnt need him to take care of me. Then as he was leaving he told me to not **** up anything in the house because I wanted to be independent. To call him if there's a problem. I guess it comes down to a lack of respect, not control.

 

If he wanted any forgiveness or to reconcile, he would have to tell you that directly himself. He has not done that, and probably won't.

 

I'm not holding my breath for it. I'm just going with the flow. For the first time in my life, I'm not planning every aspect of my life. I'm just going to let whatever happens happen.

 

By the way, you did the right thing seeing a lawyer. Be sure to listen carefully and do what your lawyer says.

 

Yah i am. I might be an emotional wreck, but I'm not stupid. How can I possibly trust someone who's kept lies from me for years.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

You will make it. Just keep haning in there. From your last post (the extra-condescending thing about staying in the house and teaching you to live alone), I think that your soon-to-be-ex probably does have lots of control issues, btw, and that it is very likely you are better off without him. When I read that, the only word that came to my mind was "ewwww".

[CurlyIam]

IT's your life, your house also so you can do all the s*** you feel like and NEVER EVER call him again!

 

Jeez, what an arse! I'm sure you must have pissed him off to say those things... so I don't know what to say... maybe "well done":)? Pissing the other person off is the first step to independance, that much I can see!!!

[dgiirl]

Thanks for your support guys

 

Maybe i pissed him off. But honestly, I cant be held responsible for his happiness when he doesnt even say a thing is wrong. It'd be different if he told me he was unhappy with the things I was doing, and I didnt listen to him. But i can honestly say he did not do that. He even admitted that himself by saying he didnt want to hurt me. Then he just upped and left.

 

Yah, I was a bit pissed at him when he said that. I'm just happy I'm learning to become independent from him. He made it sound like the world was going to end. When you live with someone, you tend to become dependent on that person, and you start to believe the stuff they say. You dont notice how they slowly detoriate your self esteem, and how you lose your own identity. I can see now that he was very controlling, but some how I let him. I guess that's my lesson.

 

I'm starting to realize life is going to be ok w/o him. I'm still going through my emotional up's and down's, but when I dont have to deal with any reminders of him, I'm feeling good about myself. I hope this rollercoaster stops soon, because I'm getting sick and tired of crying

 

I just found out a friend of mine was in a 5 year living together relationship. They had a fight one morning, she wanted him to drive her to work because she was late. He didnt want to, so she took transit. When she got to work, she got an email saying he was leaving her. When she returned home, he and all his belongings were gone. That must have hurt. It seems our ex's were the same age too. Is this a mid life crisis? They were both 32. 2 years later the guy contacted my friend to apologize. But by that time, she just wished him well and good bye.

[CurlyIam]

OMG, some men are totally crazy!!! Your story about your friends makes my stomach acke ..

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

OMG, some men are totally crazy!!! Your story about your friends makes my stomach acke ..

 

Mine too... She was very curious to know what happen with me. He basically said the same thing to her that mine did to me. About being depressed for 3 years, never wanted her to move in with him. Meanwhile he was the one who suggested it and was adamant about it. She moved to another city for him on his request. Then says he never wanted her to move. They totally rewrote history and their personality switched from day to night in one day, after visiting the parents for a day.

 

It's pretty cowardly to just email her and leave. WTF is wrong with someone to do that?

[CurlyIam]

Cowerdness, that's what!

 

Too much of an effort to have a relationship, too comfortable to be leaving. He basically took the first ride he got out of her life. Did a very good job also.

 

No one diserves the "I don't quite know" s*** served cold for dinner. I think your friend should thank her lucky star that he left. Some people never grow up!!

 

It's like actually expecting to meet someone who'd meet all your criteria and who'd make you perfectly and constantly deliriously happy! It ain't gonna happen, buster! Never ever, so you'd better deal with it!

 

 

 

I tell ya, some people !!!

[debilou]

Sounds like we have alot in common. Have you read the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson?

 

Men can be real jerks. My stbxh does the same stuff. One day I think he just needs to find himself and the next day I believe he really just wants me out of his life. I filed for the D 2 weeks ago.

 

Life goes on. Stay in counseling and you'll do just fine.

 

Debilou

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by debilou

Sounds like we have alot in common. Have you read the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson?

 

I actually read through a lot at the bookstore (They didnt have it in our local library). I think I've basically done everything that it recommended. And I do believe it's a lack of respect. Clearly by my stbx's actions, it's the only thing that makes sense. And looking back, I think I lost respect for myself too. I allowed him to treat me this way without noticing what he was doing.

 

Men can be real jerks. My stbxh does the same stuff. One day I think he just needs to find himself and the next day I believe he really just wants me out of his life. I filed for the D 2 weeks ago.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I flip flop between believing he doesnt know what he's doing, to wow he really wants this divorce. I'm starting to accept more and more, and starting to realize that he wasnt the perfect person I thought he was. I'll laugh so hard if by the time I really dont want him in my life anymore, he comes back. Everyone on this forum believes they'll come back when you dont want them. I'm interested to know if that'll be true. If he has any decency, in a few years, he'll atleast regret the methods he used to get out of this marriage. I can accept someone leaving if they are not happy. But his methods was way too cruel and undeserved.

 

I'm sorry to hear about you filing. I hope your stbx comes around. But if he doesnt, I'm sure we both will learn from this mistake and be better people next time around. Atleast we get an interesting story out of this whole mess.

 

 

Life goes on. Stay in counseling and you'll do just fine.

 

Thanks! I've actually stopped counselling for the moment. My therapist thinks I'm doing very well, considering the circumstances, but she's still on call!

 

Right now I've reached a point where I've learned a LOT about this relationship, and things that _I_ need to make me happy. It's really hard for me to build that intimacy that all the other couples have, but I definitely need to learn how to do it. My ex and I just became complacent, and I allowed him to get away with not meeting my emotional needs. He's never given me any type of romantic gestures, never even on valentines day. And that's the day he chooses to drop the D bomb. Atleast every valentines day from here on will be 100,000 times better than any he's given me lol

 

How are you doing debilou? (How was your outing last saturday?) Are you still on an emotional rollercoaster? I'm wondering how long this crap will last. When I dont have to be reminded about my stbx, I'm actually doing pretty well. It's just when I have to talk with him, or his friends to pass on mail, and who want to stay in contact with me. It just reminds me of the life I was building with my ex, and it just hurts so bad. I'm trying to desperately focus on my "new" life.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I think your friend should thank her lucky star that he left. Some people never grow up!!

 

She is actually. And I know I will too. Obviously these guys are not dependable, and it would really suck if either one of us had kids. Life is so hard as it is, but things could have been so much worse, and I'm thankful for that. Atleast I can share the experience of having kids with someone with mutual respect and love.

 

It's like actually expecting to meet someone who'd meet all your criteria and who'd make you perfectly and constantly deliriously happy! It ain't gonna happen, buster! Never ever, so you'd better deal with it!

 

lol Agreed!!! At some point in your life, you have to realize that if you want to grow old with someone, you're going to have to live with their faults. And if something is really pissing you off, you work on it together. It's like our relationship with our parents/siblings. We love them to pieces, but sometimes they piss us off. You need to communicate to get what you want out of the relationship.

[Cowboyway]

Do you want him back? I see exactly what's going on with him.