When is enough enough?

[georgia7172]

I hope i am posting in the right place. I have been married for over 13 years, two little girls 9&11. My marriage has always been a battle of me the severe codependent who has walked on egg shells the entire time trying to keep from causing an argument and no matter what I did, it was either duly noted or silently suggested that it wasn't good enough. Ex: first father's day we were broker than broke and i had no idea about good golf balls or bad golf balls, so i bought some from wal-mart that weren't too expensive. When he opened his gift, in front of all his friends, the only thing he said was "what the f are these? these are the shi!!iest golf balls ever. don't EVER buy me golf balls if you can't buy me Titelist ProV". Then later that day he called to tell me to go to pottery barn and buy the comforter set for our bed that i wanted because he was sorry for being such an a$$. I didn't because 1. we were broke as hell and 2. that wouldn't have made anything any better. the next yr on my birthday, i sat that morning with a 14 month old feeding her and 9 months pregnant with our last child when he came in at 7:30 that morning from laying out all night with his friends. never said hello, happy birthday, screw you, nothing. went straight to the bedroom and passed out until his friends came to get him that afternoon and it dawned on him that it was my 35th birthday and said, honey i am so sorry. I love you and I am so so so sorry!!! and with that he was gone with his friends for the day. Then when he came home that night he had gone and bought me a new watch. Thanks honey. a watch means so much! Seriously?!!!

 

I admit, I allowed him to treat me like this, and there are really happy times in between the bad, as all marriages do have, but primarily our marriage in my mind was basically, terror of going home to him every day for fear of what he was going to pissed off about that day or if he was going to just sit in silence or be nice. He's NEVER been physically abusive, nor have I ever worried about that, he's just an arrogant God complex person with serious issues from not having a dad growing up, not knowing who his dad was, and feeling like everyone looked down on him.

 

That is exactly how 13 yrs have gone for us. Until he found out I was having an affair. A 7 year long affair. Let me be the first to say what a horrible thing that is to do to another person. I agree I am scum of the earth for betraying the person I promised to love, honor and cherish for the rest of my life and the father of my children. When he received the text from the om wife that she suspected we were having an affair, I admitted to it. H has been going through all the typical ups and downs. All the vulgar name calling that our children hear, he forced me to tell him extremely intimate details about my AP sex life, etc. which in turn just emasculated my H even more than I already had by admission of the A. We have been to counseling. He has full access to my entire life, my phone, my emails, everything. Which all that really does is cause arguments because he is not very technically savvy, so I told him a few weeks ago that we needed to have a training on pinterest, instagram and facebook so he would know what he was looking at and know where to look for whatever it was he wanted to see. We would take one step forward and then each week two steps back hashing and rehashing what a (**&*& I am and all the while mind you, our children are in the hall listening to everything he is calling me, hearing all the sexual details of my affiar being thrown out at me, yelling, crying, telling me to take the kids and get out because he admits he is an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic, and he'd never try to take the girls from me, but in no way was I getting our house. I finally got to the point after 7 months of listening to what a horrible person I am that I decided to ask for a divorce and just be a horrible person single mother. That really threw him for a loop. By the end of that day he had me suckered in feeling sorry for him, and agreeing to not divorce him because he loves me so much and can't live his life without me and if he ever raised his voice to me and/or used vulgar language in front of the girls then he would pack his bags and I could have the house. that was 3 weeks ago. This past weekend i found voice recorders in my car and home. Of course there is nothing on them, and I completely get that he has every right, and I'd probably do it too if the shoe was on the other foot, but mostly finding these devices makes me feel like he is trying to find or hear something so he can say "see, explain this! you lied to me and told me you weren't talking to him! Now you get out!!!" I feel like it's his unintentional way of being able to make it totally and completely all my fault that we divorce. i admit, i want out desperately, but there are days when I think about the good that I would be losing in him. He is a dedicated Father, always there for me when I need him (aside from the fact that he is a narcissist and a manipulative person who basically has drained me emotionally all the way around) he is fantastic at his job and has an unbelievable work ethic, and can at very few and far between times make me feel like the most loved and special person on earth, like when he realizes he may be about to lose me, and the main reason I haven't left just yet is the fact that I am so very close to his mother, who keeps our kids after school, I take her to all her dr. appts, shopping, etc. she is like a real mother to me since my mother passed away a few years ago and i just can't seem to bring myself to hurt her and possibly lose her. But my homelife and marriage are almost unbearable and our children want us to divorce. i realize that a 9&11 yr old have no idea what they really want, but they are aware that mom hurt daddy and after hearing every detail of my affair, i'm pretty darn sure they know what I did, and with a man that they love like their father because he was one of their bff's dad. My question is, does anyone else feel like my H is looking for a way out without having to ask me for the divorce? does he realize that unconsciously that's probably what his motives are for trying to catch me doing something wrong again when he agreed he was going to try to put this behind him, he forgives me and wants to make our marriage work and let it go. When is it time to throw the towel in and be done? One more thing, we have a family vacation planned and paid for in two weeks.

 

Your help is greatly appreciated. And for those that would like to remind me what a horrible person I am, what a horrible thing I did, I can promise you, i agree 100%, I am reminded daily what a "slut, whore, sorry piece of crap, and other words and names that i am pretty sure are so foul that even the thought of them make me sick", so i get it, I promise.

[kieraglass]

I'm not usually this bold, but my gosh, this is abuse. I don't care what you did. Slut whore etc? Abuse. And you are taking it because of your guilt.

 

I am in a similar situation with my ex husband, who I left eighteen months ago after telling him about my A. Just yesterday, he was texting abuse. It never ends. Useless whore, slut, c word, etc. It makes me hysterical, even just by text, this abuse. I can't imagine how you are dealing living with it. I simply cannot imagine, and i hope you are practicing self care.

 

My ex had affairs before mine, though. My affair was a result of his. I don't say it to make excuses. It was. I turned to my lover in turmoil within months of my H's infidelities. I was an idiot who tried to right a wrong with a wrong

 

 

. Your marriage before your A sounds much like mine. You were terribly unhappy there. I'm not excusing your affair, but I do so very understand it. I was in the same space.

 

Living with cruelty and abuse, whether they arise from anger over an affair, or not, is soul crushing. You sound so very overwhelmed and unhappy. I hope you take steps to change this, perhaps by moving on. I don't think he is ever going to let your A go. The voice recorders are a huge red flag. The volatile environment you live in is no good for your children, mostly, but it is not good for you. We can't mother in a storm.

 

Please take care of yourself, no matter what you decide.

[sandylee1]

Your marriage is terribly unhealthy. If he cared for the kids and loved them. ..

 

He would NOT speak to you like that in front of them. Those words will stay with them for life. Yes...you brought it on.....but his actions are terrible.

 

A 7 year affair is really a double life. You messed up 2 marriages. You can't claim to love a man who you cheated on for 7 years! That's not love and it's a terrible example for your daughters.

 

He was not a good husband in the beginning and you should have divorced rather than cheating for so long and causing this hurt to your kids. NEVER think infidelity doesn't affect kids or doesn't impact on you being a good parent..because it does.

 

You and your H should coparent. Try and let your kids gain some respect for you after hearing what their dad said.... it's not a nice atmosphere for the kids and they should be your priority.

I can just imagine them chatting to each other about you two and praying for divorce. I've been there as a kid with my sister..talking about our parents and similar issues as they fought and screamed at each other. It's horrible. Trying to stop them from fighting.

 

You've both done wrong by them.

[anika99]

It is absolutely wrong for your husband to rage at you and call you foul names within hearing distant of your children. If you wanted to divorce him for that I would not fault you. However the voice recorders are perfectly understandable and I don't blame him for using them. I don't think he has any secret agenda to catch you just so he can kick you out. I think he doesn't believe 1 word out of your mouth and can you blame him? For 7 years you lied to him, for 7 years you carried on a secret double life that he was clueless about and now you expect him to believe you? Are you freaking kidding? He doesn't want to catch you cheating some more, every time he checks those voice recorders he is praying and holding his breath hoping that he won't catch you. As if he wants some more cheating to add to the pain he's already in. Sheesh! Give me a break.

 

 

And if the divorce happens then you have to own your part of it, not just blame it all on your husband's occasional poor behavior. You hurt a lot of people. Not only did you cheat you cheated with the father of your child's best friend. The damage your child and the other child suffer for that is on you and the MM. You sound like a cake eater. You had years to end your marriage or demand better but you were comfortable to stay married and cheat long term. Now that the cat is out of the bag you expect that there should be no consequences and no blame laid at your feet. You are complaining about your husband but you are still being weak and wishy washy and not accepting responsibility for your own life. Yes your relationship with his mother might change or end. That's the choice you made when you started cheating. Yes your kids found out and that was the choice you made when you started cheating. Now what are you going to do about it?

 

 

Either get all the way in the marriage, which means complete transparency and honesty with your husband, counselling and a plan for reconciliation or get all the way out. The time for languishing in your crappy marriage while you blame everything on your husband is over. He has to take responsibility for his life and you have to take responsibility for yours.

[Artie Lang]

whether or not he is looking for a way out, or trying to get rid of you without actually adimitting to it, take the way out ASAP. this man has been emotionally and psychologically abusing you for some time.

 

with that being said, you're right... having an affair was not the answer. it's time that you make some tough decisions concerning the rest of your life.

[trailrunner1975]

Time to go. Simple as that.

[georgia7172]

Thank you all for your input!

Anika99, i am not at all making excuses for my horrible actions because I chose to step across those lines, plain and simple. Selfish as it was, it happened, it destroyed lives and families and I am paying the price for what I have done and deservedly so. On one hand H deserves to rant and say whatever it is that he feels he needs to say given what I have done and I deserve to sit there and take it. On the other hand, there is only so much that one can take before it must either stop and work on moving forward or be done with it and how does someone who already caused so much pain turn around and cause even more pain by asking for a divorce. Some days I feel like I deserve to live in this state for the rest of my life and other days I feel like don't we all deserve some peace, healing and to move forward, with or without each other? I didn't mention that over the past 13 years H has cheated on me 3 times. That little tid bit of information came out in MC together and with 2 people that are my friends. At that point, what exactly was I supposed to feel when I had done the same to him. Along with the fact that while I was pregnant with our first child he had a year 1/2 + A with a woman that was constantly calling my home and his cell, but in my state one can not divorce while the W is pregnant. by the time I had our first child and life was getting to a new normal with a new born, the affair was over. I never said anything about it to him. Everyone else did because of how obsessed this woman was with him. Anyway, i would say that obviously there were issues with me that he had that pushed him into the arms of someone else. Maybe the fact that she was extremely wealthy, maybe the fact that I was big and pregnant and she was able to wear lace thongs for him and do things that i was incapable of doing with him while carrying a 10lb baby. Whatever it was, i will never know because he will not say what issues he had with me. All he ever admits to is what a fantastic mother and person he thinks I am but he would like for me to initiate sex more than once a week and that's really the only problem he has with me according to him.

 

So, how does one go about asking for a divorce knowing that i will be devastating and hurting the same person all over again that I promised to do whatever it took to make this work. How do I say, I just can't do it anymore and i want out and no i am not running to exAP. I have gone NC with him the minute I admitted the A, but H is determined that i haven't and that if we divorce I am going straight to him, simply because exAP is divorcing. Their divorce is a mutual agreement; no one wanted to make their M work. That's their business though. i wanted to try to make mine work. At first my H was totally and completely into figuring out how to correct his issues causing harm to our marriage and so was I, but somewhere along the way about 2 months ago H just quit and gave in to the voices in his head that his whiskey puts in there and we may go a week just fine (eggshell fine) and then there are nights when the alcohol gets the best of him and he lets it out.

 

Please advise on how to do this without me causing anymore damage than I have already and how to get past the Please don't do this, I love you, give me one more chance to try and make this work????

[Quiet Storm]

You both are using each other to excuse your own actions. You allowed yourself to cheat for years, justifying it with his alcoholism, his poor treatment of you, forgetting your birthday, etc. And he allows his emotions to get out of control, justifying his name calling and yelling with your cheating.

 

Meanwhile, your poor girls are the collateral damage. They suffer because of their parents inability to manage their lives

 

You & your husband's dysfunction, both individually and as a couple, is a black cloud over those poor kids. While you two battle it out and point fingers- him drinking & yelling while you wallow in self pity and tell yourself what a horrible person you are- that black cloud is swirling around them. Raining dysfunction down on the kids that you love.

 

It's your job as a parent to protect, to guide, to teach and to provide an environment where they can grow and thrive. It sounds like neither one of you can see past your own issues and do what's best for your kids.

 

If you want to save your family, then BOTH of you have to commit to addressing your individual issues and put your kids first, whether it is together or apart. The choices BOTH of you make should reflect that you have their best interests at heart. Cheating with their friends dad, fighting around them, addictions, staying married because you need his mother's love more than your kids need a peaceful home... all of that selfishness must stop. Immediately.

 

Your family has stewed in this dysfunction for so long that professional help is needed for everyone, regardless of whether you divorce or not. Your individual issues- such as poor coping skills, the self pity/victim mentality, the codependency...those underlying issues will still be there- even if he's gone. You owe it to your kids to be the best mom you can be.

 

It's not too late to create a healthy environment for them, a place where they aren't walking on eggshells and drowning in their parent's problems. A place where their biggest problems are math tests and middle school gossip.

 

I know my post is harsh and may not feel supportive to you, but IMO your kids are more important. I can give you (((hugs)). I can agree that your husband is a jerk and say "you don't deserve this". But the true intent of my words are to prompt introspection and change. Because your kids- they are the ones who really do not deserve this.

[georgia7172]

and let me add that he only says what a great mother and friend he thinks i am in counseling when he is sober. when he is drunk it's anybody's guess as to what is going through his mind but I can tell you from the look on his face it isn't good and then there are nights when I know exactly how horrible he thinks I am.

[georgia7172]

Quietstorm, I can't begin to tell you how much your perspective hit home! I am in no way offended by anything you said. You said exactly what I needed to hear! Plain and simple. I have had the girls in counseling for 3 weeks now and have intentions of doing the same for my own issues. I never thought of myself as one that likes to play the victim, but you are so very right! I see that in myself now that you mention it. I have always acknowledged that i could be a poster child for codependents world wide, but i just never took the steps necessary to not be that way. My mother was the same way and by the time she passed away she had been in counseling for a million different issues, but she Systemic Lupus that caused "fogs" mentally so by the end of her life I guess I never got to really see the non-codependent person/mother that she was working on becoming. I see that maybe i am repeating a cycle for my own daughters and i am creating a much worse emotional issue for them to live with by not getting help to be the best mom I can be for them, so that they will grow to love themselves and eventually chose partners who love them the right way and that they can love the right way. Not what their daddy and I are teaching them now.

Anyway, thank you for what you said and how you presented it in a way so as not to tell me what a horrible person you thought i was, but in a way that got my attention and was compassionate at the same time.

 

Thank you to everyone for all your input! it helps to just get this all off my chest and thank you for listening to my long winded self! I really really appreciate it!!!

[anika99]

Your husband has cheated on you multiple times? With your friends? And now he humiliates and shames you in front of your kids while he is guilty of the same behaviour? Oh he sounds like a piece of work!

 

I agree that counselling is needed for everyone but I'm not sure this marriage is salvageable. It sounds like your husband has a drinking problem on top of his serial cheating problem and if even your kids are asking you to get a divorce it must be pretty bad at home. Only you can decide when it's time to throw in the towel but don't stay out of guilt and habit. Maybe thinks will take a turn for the better but as long as your husband is drinking and refusing to responsibility for his own cheating. Try if you must but first be sure that staying isn't going to be even more damaging to your children.

[sandylee1]

So much damage has been done here and I honestly can't see this transforming into a happy marriage.

 

3 affairs on his side.... a 7 year affair on your side..... what a terrible example you are both setting for your daughters. So this 7 year affair would have carried on if it wasn't exposed?

 

You say you're paying the price... what about the other family you've helped to destroy?

 

You are the mother that has changed her child's friendship through your affair. You only thought of YOU and not the terrible environment for the kids. What kind of childhood memories do you want them to have?

 

THIS is just so sad.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Enough is enough when you spend more time being unhappy, scared or guilty than happy. So yes, it's time to leave and it's the right thing to do for your children and for yourself too.

[yodelwithyu]

I have mostly gone by the rule that if you get to a point where you have to ask yourself if you have had enough...then you have.

Edited November 21, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[Grapesofwrath]

It is easy to understand, based on what you have shared here, why you chose to have an affair. You seem to do a very good job of beating yourself about it, so we don't need to add to the chastisement.

 

In brief, this marriage is unhealthy for all concerned and should be put to an end. Your worry that you will "hurt him more" by asking for a divorce is an example of your co-dependency in action. there is no painless way to ask for a divorce. And that's okay. Divorce is painful. That is a fact. Staying in the marriage is also causing pain. So there is going to be pain either way. The question is, which path leads most quickly out of pain and into healing?

 

Consult an attorney. Know your rights. Know your options. Then pursue divorce. All of you will be better off.