Are his feelings strong enough...

[siankat]

My partner is 41 with two children and i am 34. We have times of absolute bliss where we are so supportive, in tune, a team etc but he says when we fight that everything goes back to zero and he has to build his feelings back up again. I feel after a year and a half and living together a year that we would have built a foundation of love that would be there even through the fights. He says not.

 

We were friends before going out so i know a lot about him that a newish girlfriend may not ever be privvy to. The mother of his kids was the love of his life, love at first sight, head over heels etc She never felt quite the same. He was a bit of a lad back then and has since settled a lot. He says in retrospect that he never loved any of his subsequent exes even though they said so to each other.

 

We are very close, he says he feels closer to me than anyone before, that he can't believe how lucky he is to be with me, and that i'm amazing. However i wonder about the strength of his feelings. When we fight he says he has to reset and that his feelings go back to zero. From what he has said during our relationship so far, the mother of his kids used to 'bug the **** out of me but i always loved her'. When talking about his subsequent ex who he was going to spend the rest of his life with he never used the word love, only care. Which he does with me too. He is usually very emphatic about something and is quite black and white however i don't feel he is about his feelings for me.

 

He has no problem telling me that he knows how much i love him but when he asked how i thought he felt about me and i said, 'i dont think im the love of your life but i think we have created something very special and unique', he went silent. I just wanted to know that i held a place exclusively in his heart in an important area even if it wasn't in the intoxicating inexplicable area of infatuation...

 

I value what we have more than feelings of infatuation but i get the feeling that feelings matter more than the state of the relationship as he says this is the best relationship he has been in and i'm the best woman he has ever been with and yet cannot step it up and say he feels something for me exclusively and its a noticeable omission.

 

It also worries me he would have stayed with his ex even though he didn't love her, she ended it.

 

One other thing that creates doubt is after being together a few months he got depressed and checked out the relationship. So i ended it as felt it was already over. He then texted and said, 'i know you will need time to get over us but i hope we can get back to normal as soon as possible'. He meant be friends.

 

That is in the past but it is part of the overall picture. I love our relationship as it goes but i am not sure his feelings are there. He will tell me a lot of nice positive things but will not be absolute, categoric, about his feelings which he was when i knew him about the mother of his children.

 

He won't really talk to me about this and is right in saying that we usually know whats what deep down (maybe i cant admit it to myself). Maybe im just looking to be convinced there is an angle on this that will make it ok and what i would prefer it to be.

 

Any considerate thoughts would be welcome.

[mystikmind2005]

I'm focused on that bit about the fighting and his feelings being set back.... this is absolutely the key issue here i think?

 

Can i venture a guess that he is emotionally sensitive?

 

So if that is true then this is much more about trust than anything else, so because of the fights, he doesn't trust you with his heart.

 

Its not your fault, its his emotional dysfunction, its the fools gold of fear.

[Leigh 87]

You should just be single and hold out for the love of your life.

 

It beats these friendship based companionable based relationships.

 

One day that man will meet a girl who he does feel the spark with and he'll cheat or leave you.

[Lois_Griffin]

Why are you so willing to settle for so little?

 

It's so disheartening to see women throw away their self respect and try to accept paltry bread crumbs from someone just because they can't bear to let him go.

[siankat]

I'm focused on that bit about the fighting and his feelings being set back.... this is absolutely the key issue here i think?

 

Can i venture a guess that he is emotionally sensitive?

 

So if that is true then this is much more about trust than anything else, so because of the fights, he doesn't trust you with his heart.

 

Its not your fault, its his emotional dysfunction, its the fools gold of fear.

 

 

Thanks for your input. In the past i said i didn't believe people need to say i love you, you would feel it, and he said that at that point a little piece of him closed off. That was a long time ago. Since then i have been the one wanting to express feelings although not necessarily with those words. He says he is worried about what i will say if he does. He believes i love him so its not that he feels the feeling wont be reciprocated.

 

He did say the fights always made him nervous. Regardless of who was at fault. He is in touch with his emotions as you guessed.

[siankat]

You should just be single and hold out for the love of your life.

 

It beats these friendship based companionable based relationships.

 

One day that man will meet a girl who he does feel the spark with and he'll cheat or leave you.

 

 

I can see that as an argument. But i think its a bit more complicated. I have dated and been in relationships and met people through various jobs and hobbies and i feel he is special to me. Good relationships and care are hard to come by in my opinion. I know about the 'love of your life' bit but what i really want is someone i choose to love, not someone i randomly fall in love with for no reason i can explain.

[siankat]

Why are you so willing to settle for so little?

 

It's so disheartening to see women throw away their self respect and try to accept paltry bread crumbs from someone just because they can't bear to let him go.

 

I get a lot from this relationship too. When it's good, its the happiest i have ever been with him and the children.

[mystikmind2005]

Thanks for your input. In the past i said i didn't believe people need to say i love you, you would feel it, and he said that at that point a little piece of him closed off. That was a long time ago. Since then i have been the one wanting to express feelings although not necessarily with those words. He says he is worried about what i will say if he does. He believes i love him so its not that he feels the feeling wont be reciprocated.

 

He did say the fights always made him nervous. Regardless of who was at fault. He is in touch with his emotions as you guessed.

 

The question now is, what can you do about it? Because there are limits to what yo can do, no matter what. He needs to be willing to address these issues as well, if not then your only option left is to leave.