Was i cheating? My story of emotional infidelity

[MrLonelyHeart89]

A week ago, my girlfriend of a year kicked me out of our apartment. She came home to find me drinking when I told her I would be working (I am a struggling writer), and, when we tried to talk about it, she just kicked me out. It’s been a week now and we haven't talked. She won’t respond to my messages. I’ve been really depressed. Before that day she found me drunk, I hadn't had a drink for almost two months. But I didn’t go sober for my girlfriend and I wasn’t able to stay off it because of my girlfriend. She’d been bothering me forever about it, and I wouldn’t do it, until I got this random call from my ex. I hadn’t seen this girl in four years, since I’d visited her at her college and found her living secretly with another guy. We talked quickly, and she asked to meet. I agreed and when I saw her it was clear she was pregnant. She told me it had been an accident, and that the guy who did it couldn't help with it at all. After this, she just asked straight out if I would go to prenatal class with her because she didn’t know anyone else in the city besides the guy who had been with her. I felt bad, and I agreed. I didn’t tell my current girlfriend about the agreement and for two months, every Tuesday and Thursday, I met with my ex for prenatal class. This was our only interaction. I’ll say again—this was our ONLY interaction. We never met anywhere else, we never had any moment of physical intimacy, and we never even talked that much to be honest. But for some reason, the classes provided some sense of happiness in my life. I stopped drinking, and my writing, as well my physical and emotional relationship with my current girlfriend, improved greatly. This went on for those eight weeks until one day I went to prenatal class to meet my ex and she was there, going through the exercise with another guy. This sent me into the drinking spell, which resulted in my girlfriend leaving. Now I am alone and unhappy and I miss my girlfriend, but I also really miss the classes. I don’t miss my ex, nothing about her personality or physicality, but I miss the calmness of the classes. I can't remember a time I've been as happy as I was in those moments in the class. I wonder then if what I was doing was wrong? Is that where my unhappiness is coming from? Was I emotionally "cheating" on my girlfriend? Should I try and get her back? Should I confess? Or should I call my ex? Is she the one I should be with? I am desperate and need your caring advice. Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

A week ago, my girlfriend of a year kicked me out of our apartment. She came home to find me drinking when I told her I would be working (I am a struggling writer), and, when we tried to talk about it, she just kicked me out. It’s been a week now and we haven't talked. She won’t respond to my messages. I’ve been really depressed. Before that day she found me drunk, I hadn't had a drink for almost two months. But I didn’t go sober for my girlfriend and I wasn’t able to stay off it because of my girlfriend. She’d been bothering me forever about it, and I wouldn’t do it, until I got this random call from my ex. I hadn’t seen this girl in four years, since I’d visited her at her college and found her living secretly with another guy. We talked quickly, and she asked to meet. I agreed and when I saw her it was clear she was pregnant. She told me it had been an accident, and that the guy who did it couldn't help with it at all. After this, she just asked straight out if I would go to prenatal class with her because she didn’t know anyone else in the city besides the guy who had been with her. I felt bad, and I agreed. I didn’t tell my current girlfriend about the agreement and for two months, every Tuesday and Thursday, I met with my ex for prenatal class. This was our only interaction. I’ll say again—this was our ONLY interaction. We never met anywhere else, we never had any moment of physical intimacy, and we never even talked that much to be honest. But for some reason, the classes provided some sense of happiness in my life. I stopped drinking, and my writing, as well my physical and emotional relationship with my current girlfriend, improved greatly. This went on for those eight weeks until one day I went to prenatal class to meet my ex and she was there, going through the exercise with another guy. This sent me into the drinking spell, which resulted in my girlfriend leaving. Now I am alone and unhappy and I miss my girlfriend, but I also really miss the classes. I don’t miss my ex, nothing about her personality or physicality, but I miss the calmness of the classes. I can't remember a time I've been as happy as I was in those moments in the class. I wonder then if what I was doing was wrong? Is that where my unhappiness is coming from? Was I emotionally "cheating" on my girlfriend? Should I try and get her back? Should I confess? Or should I call my ex? Is she the one I should be with? I am desperate and need your caring advice. Thank you.

 

Yes, I absolutely believe that is cheating. What in heaven's name were you thinking? You knew it was wrong because you kept in a secret from your girlfriend so I don't know how you can even wonder if it was unacceptable. It was inappropriate on so many levels.

 

I don't think you should call your ex. The fact that you are considering that tells me you have some underlying attachment to her. You aren't that in love with your girlfriend if you could really think about doing so.

 

But I also don't think you should try to get your girlfriend back, either. You obviously aren't committed to her and you have problems being transparent. Work on your own demons and unhappiness first and then consider entering a relationship. Leave her alone and let her find happiness with someone who really wants to be with her. If you confess what you did, be prepared to never hear from her again.

[mystikmind2005]

It is not a betrayal on the same level as cheating but it is a betrayal nonetheless.

 

you seem to be so heavily 'intoxicated' by your own feelings that you can barely function in a two way relationship, or in life in general?

[smackie9]

get yourself to an AA or Al-anon meeting and start taking responsibility for your drinking.

 

Tip: what happened was co-dependency which is common with people who have a addictions.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't really think it's cheating. It doesn't sound like it's either a physical affair, or an emotional affair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not saying you should have hidden it from your girl. But I don't believe that anything hidden from your partner is automatically cheating either. That's not always a reasonable place to draw the line. There has to be some sort of actual cheating going on too.

But yeah, clearly you have some problems you need to sort out with your drinking, and with whatever is missing in your life that made those classes feel so important to you.

[VeveCakes]

You might get the same joy from a hot yoga class...

[siankat]

I think you enjoyed the calmness which comes from breathing - try yoga. No excuse to hide this from your girlfriend.. YOu have nothing to lose from telling the truth but i wouldn't take you back. Too many lies. It wasnt cheating but you crossed a line that you felt would compromise your relationship and you were selfish about it

[soul_to_squeeze]

First and foremost, get help for your drinking issues...

[LoveRefreshed]

You've got some catcher in the rye style issues. Join AA. Al-anon is not for you yet.

[Amalyn]

I don't believe this to be cheating, however you hid it from your girlfriend so it is a form of betrayal and dishonesty. The fact you asked if you should call your ex or if she is the one you should be with tells me that you do still have some emotional connection/feelings for her.

 

But the root of the problem is definitely your drinking addiction. I would start there and begin to work on yourself before you can work out anything else.

[sandylee1]

It was inappropriate and I would NEVER take you back if I were the GF who kicked you out. You're not trustworthy. The way I see it... you could have secretly ended up being the birthing partner.

 

You don't love your GF. You couldn't stop drinking for her and she deserves better.

[mystikmind2005]

It was inappropriate and I would NEVER take you back if I were the GF who kicked you out. You're not trustworthy. The way I see it... you could have secretly ended up being the birthing partner.

 

You don't love your GF. You couldn't stop drinking for her and she deserves better.

 

Oh, he loves her, but because he is all up in his own feelings he only notices how that love makes him feel - especially now she is gone!

[sandylee1]

A I hadn’t seen this girl in four years, since I’d visited her at her college and found her living secretly with another guy.

 

Or should I call my ex? Is she the one I should be with? I am desperate and need your caring advice. Thank you.

 

 

I just read your post again.

 

This GF cheated on you and you found her secretly living with another guy........ yet you're wondering if you should call her as she might be the one?

 

 

You clearly still have feelings for her to even think this. If I had caught my Ex living with another woman... I'd have no desire to talk to him again.