what is love?

[veryremorseful]

I am a FWW. We are into recovery. Today in the morning me and my H were talking and I told him I hope he realizes and understands that I Love him a lot.

Now after DDay whenever I say this he looks puzzled without saying much back. Today after many days he said but if you loved me how could you betray me(I had a week long inappropriate frienship with a guy at work and I kissed him). I know if the roles were reversed I would also have asked the same question.

After DDay I have tried to do everything that might set my wrong right. I understand this process takes a long time. I understand I have to be patient but then how can I reassure him I really love him.

But then what really is love? any kind of love? I was watching "Fiddler on the roof" and the old man asks his wife "do u love me?" She says she has born his children, cooked for him, cleaned for him, slept with him, shared his joys and sorrows. This woman is not taken for vacations or given flowers everyday. So is this love?

My H thinks maybe I am just dependent emotionally on him that is what is love for me. But I really feel a deep affection for him inspite of the glitch I commited. Is dependency love?

Dont we love our kids unconditionally? Do we love them becos we are dependent on them or becos people like me need someone to love or just plain affection?

So RBS/FBS do you doubt when your spouses say they love you? RWS/FWS how can u say u love ur spouses after hurting them with your mistakes?

I really would like to know from anyonewho can explain this to me.

[Cis]

I know just what you are struggling with....

 

I also had an inappropriate relationship - but my "acting out" was WAY worse that what you did.

 

I think it's hard to get clear about our true feelings because we are suffering so much guilt and remorse. He want to right the wrong - we want to serve our pentence - we want to do what ever to put everything back the way it was......or do we. Even though I love my husband very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I know I don't want the marriage we had before d day. I want a way way better marriage.

 

My parents, siblings, friends, even dogs have all hurt me - yet, they've all told me they love me - and I believe them. Sometimes humans (and doggies) screw up and you forgive them because on balance they have demonstrated their love to you.

 

My husband asked for a separation. It hurts because I don't feel like we have the opportunity now to process or support each other.

 

Good Luck - everyone is telling me to give my husband time and space.

 

I guess we don't really have a choice...

[veryremorseful]

Cis,

 

My Q is what is this love that you feel for your H? How will you define it?

[only1life]

I once heard it described as that feeling - when the two of you are apart for a while, and you find yourself thinking about her, and you feel to yourself, "Hey, I miss being with her."

 

Well, it seems that way to me, anyway.... how else do you ever really know? Feelings are so subjective.

 

Does she make you laugh? Does she make you feel good inside and out? Does she treat you special, and make you feel special? Does she make you want to make her feel special?

 

I guess that's what makes me want to be with her, and helps me to forgive her when I need to.

[Grinning Maniac]

I've been thinking lately. There's a question that you all need to ask yourselves.

 

The phrase "I love you" gets thrown around far too often, and IMO, with far too little thought.

 

Do you really love the person you're with? Or do you simply love how they make you feel? The butterflies they give you in your stomach. Do you love them because of who they are or because they make you "feel special"? Think about that for a moment.

 

Too many times on this board alone, I've heard people justify their "love" for a person based on what that person does for them. When you ask someone why they feel the way they do about someone you'll likely hear the same lip service:

 

"He/she's funny, smart, pretty..."

 

It all sounds really flat and meaningless. Lord knows I've done the exact same thing in my past, and it now fills me with shame. Do a search on LS and see if you don't find a bunch of folks mostly talking about how "wonderful" the person makes them feel...and not much at all concerning what about that particular person that inspires their "love". ME-ME-ME.

 

When people come on these boards having problems with their SO's, an interesting consistancy pops up. How often have you heard:

 

"I wish [blank] didn't do such and such! How can I keep him from doing that? Our relationship would be perfect if not for...."[/i]

 

More often than not, the "issue" the unhappy partner has a problem with is something that existed in that person's life LONNNNG before they met. Whether it's hanging out with the boys a lot, beating off, playing video games, sloppiness being more of a "homebody"...whatever. It's usually something that's just part of that person...yet the OP will come here asking how to "fix" this.

 

Why? Why do people look at relationships as fix-up jobs? If you really love someone, why are you treating them as if they are a car or a pet, designed solely for your happiness. I may be pessimistic, but it seems like a lot of people are focused on their happiness a lot more than the other person's. If you *love* someone, shouldn't it be the other way around?

 

Doesn't it strike any of you as a little selfish and controlling to expect someone to drastically alter their life solely because you exist? So I ask once again...

 

Do you really love the people you're with or do you love what they do for you...love how they make you feel? Do you love them because they're great people or do you love them because they make you "feel loved"? Or because they fill some other random need in your life. Feh. I'm rambling now...but I think a lot of the "true love" people go on about is rubbish. Relationships generally suck these days for a reason...

[bigbuffs]

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.....Love will last forever."

 

 

1 COR 13: 4-7

 

to me, this is what true love is.

[Fool In Love]

Hmmmm.... at one point I was so frickin' fed up with love, I didn't even really think it existed. I've seen how alot of other people behave and I lost faith. I thought love was something humans made up to make them feel special and different from all the other creatures that dwelled on the earth. I thought it was just a figment of the imagination, and all there was, was sex, physical attraction, breeding, etc. The way alot of other asses carry on, I guess for them there is no true love.

 

The conclusion that I have reached is that there is indeed such a thing as Love. It is whatever you make it out to be and what kind of person you are. It depends on alot of things, such as what kind of morals (if any) you have, how you were brought up, what kind of emotions you feel, and whether or not you are a generally good person.

 

Since no person is the same as the other, neither is their view on love.

 

For me, however, I am most certainly, deeply, uncontrollably, honestly, truly IN LOVE! Atleast I know I am, based on my opinion of what love is.

 

Love makes me different.... It doesn't change me in a bad way, I guess, I suppose sometimes it does...But like I read in one of the last posts, it shouldn't be all about me.... and it isn't. I want to change myself so I can make this wonderful person happy. Alot of people say that you shouldn't change for anyone else, but To me, love means compromises. I feel so lucky that this person has made me part of their life, and I only want to make their life better... but sometimes I have selfish tendencies as well. I think, "well I'm making their lives better than they should do equally the same." Love to me is a constant cycle of giving and taking. Both people have to be on the same wave lengths in certain ways.

It's really complicated.... It makes me happy, jealous, bubbly, stupid, caring, etc. Sometimes it makes me into a mess. No amount of planning prepared me for it. I had no idea, until it happened....

 

Love is different for everyone.

 

 

[color=green][/color]

[moimeme]

Or do you simply love how they make you feel?

 

I hope not! Well I don't, I mean, but I hope others don't. After all, nobody 'makes' you feel any way. Feelings are transitory and flighty things, subject to whether or not we've eaten enough or slept enough or our feet hurt. So to base your love on how you feel is a dangerous game indeed.

 

I maybe love people because of how they make me think. I respect, admire, and become fond of people because of who they are, and sometimes that respect, admiration, and fondness grow and grow until they become love.

 

I want to change myself so I can make this wonderful person happy

 

That sounds like love to me - when you believe someone is so great that you want to be better so you will be good to them and for them.

 

John Gottman says that long-lasting marriages are the ones in which each partner truly believes his/her spouse is a good person and in which each person treats the other with kindness and respect. And I think that people's 'love' vanishes when they decide their partner isn't a good person after all, for whatever reason - usually, GM, as you point out, because the person isn't doing their bidding/fulfilling their every wish.

 

As for being 'in love', I think that lasts as long as each person believes that each of you value each other equally highly - which doesn't last long as each begins to play the 'if X really loved me s/he would....' game.

[LoveNoLoss]

I think I was in love with my husband.... funny thing was, he wasn't my type and he isn't the hottest guy I have ever been with... He kinda grew on me. I THINK I fell in love with him for awhile until I caught him chatting it up with some married woman with kids a year into our marriage.... Then, something inside died. I pretended I loved him and some ways I did... but it wasn't the same that I had before I had caught him.

 

Now I question love.... I really don't know what it is... my husband would look into my eyes and tell me I was the most important thing and the most beautiful thing etc... but he slept with several women while we were married and then crawled into my bed with me... and still claims he loves me more than anything or anyone.. I guess its just not my version of love... so Im still looking...

[Fool In Love]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

I think I was in love with my husband.... funny thing was, he wasn't my type and he isn't the hottest guy I have ever been with... He kinda grew on me. I THINK I fell in love with him for awhile until I caught him chatting it up with some married woman with kids a year into our marriage.... Then, something inside died. I pretended I loved him and some ways I did... but it wasn't the same that I had before I had caught him.

 

Now I question love.... I really don't know what it is... my husband would look into my eyes and tell me I was the most important thing and the most beautiful thing etc... but he slept with several women while we were married and then crawled into my bed with me... and still claims he loves me more than anything or anyone.. I guess its just not my version of love... so Im still looking...

 

Like I said, some asses don't know what love is, it's just about sex.

[Fool In Love]

Your husband makes me sick by the way.

[moimeme]

Now I question love.... I really don't know what it is... my husband would look into my eyes and tell me I was the most important thing and the most beautiful thing etc... but he slept with several women while we were married and then crawled into my bed with me... and still claims he loves me more than anything or anyone.. I guess its just not my version of love... so Im still looking

 

Moral of the story is don't believe what someone says. Believe his actions. As you see, a man can lie through his teeth about 'loving' you while his actions are anything but. It's not love's fault, it's what happens when you believe someone's words. Yes, you should be able to believe the person you love but he has to prove himself trustworthy.

[Craig]

Originally posted by moimeme

Moral of the story is don't believe what someone says. Believe his actions. As you see, a man can lie through his teeth about 'loving' you while his actions are anything but. It's not love's fault, it's what happens when you believe someone's words. Yes, you should be able to believe the person you love but he has to prove himself trustworthy.

The Reader's Digest version is "show me, don't tell me"

[moimeme]

The Reader's Digest version is "show me, don't tell me"

 

[LoveNoLoss]

I wouldn't even give my husband that much credit. He knows it wasn't love and admits the women were there just for his ego stroking. So, he didn't equate it with love. He says he loves me... ok... maybe in HIS way. Truely loving someone and cheating on them every chance you get is not love.... its taking advantage of someone's feelings... mine of course.

 

True... its not loves fault... but I do need to figure out if it will ever have a place in my life again... its gonna be a long time before I am worthy of loving. I am a mess... and will be for a long time. I do know this has left me scarred for life. Its the scars I worry about... the effect that they will have on me.

 

I don't view the world with rose colored glasses anymore... I did for a little while because I was in love with my husband. Now I just beat myself up for being such an idiot and not seeing the little signs.. they did exist.. I was just too foolish to see them.

[SueBee3490]

Originally posted by LoveNoLoss

 

True... its not loves fault... but I do need to figure out if it will ever have a place in my life again... its gonna be a long time before I am worthy of loving. I am a mess... and will be for a long time. I do know this has left me scarred for life. Its the scars I worry about... the effect that they will have on me.

 

I don't view the world with rose colored glasses anymore... I did for a little while because I was in love with my husband. Now I just beat myself up for being such an idiot and not seeing the little signs.. they did exist.. I was just too foolish to see them.

 

Love,

I know how you feel. When I'm out of my current marriage, I won't even date for a long long time! When I got out of my 1st marriage, I was devastated. I didn't even go on a date until about 2 1/2 yrs later. My kids were small so I kept myself occupied with them. I was so scared of being hurt again. When I met my current cheating H I fell so much in love and really put my guard down and let him into my heart. So I'm the same as you, I feel the impact of him cheating has really scarred me for life. "If" I date again after this, I don't know. You really hit the nail on the head when you say you worry about the effect the scars will have on you. Me too. I am a different person now - actually I think I'm more bitter and just plain mad at everyone and the world. A vastly different person than I was before. I believe any man I meet after this will probably have to go through hell to even be close to me. So that really rules out any real long term relationships because they'll all run before they even get to know me.

 

I also was so much in love I was looking through those rose colored glasses. They say love is blind and it sure was in my case. If it was blind, I sure wish it could have read braille so I could have seen what was going on! But we don't look at all the little signs because we just don't want to believe this person we are in love with could hurt us like that. I had signs too like him constantly accusing me of cheating. I mean this was nonstop and he was very adamant that I was cheating on him. If I would have known then that cheaters often blame the other person to alleviate some of their guilt, I would have "known" that he was cheating. But I didn't think that - though after a while of this going on, I did start to check up on him and that's when I found he was cheating.

 

So LoveNoLoss - I really can relate to what you say. I'm a mess too and can't really even see dating in the future. I've even thought maybe I could date and try to not get attached to the man. Just date him for a long time with no ties. I'm not that kind of person. If I like a guy, I start developing feelings (love) for him and then that's where I'm scared of getting hurt. So I don't know what the answer is. I'm sorry you are feeling this too because it hurts like hell to think you can never find a mate to love and trust.

 

SueBee