Am I the only spouse that doesn't want to know?

[Whoknew30]

I slept with him once.

I confessed.

Running out of stores won't take it away, but it does show respect for my husband - really the only thing I'm interested in when it comes to the OM. It has nothing to do with forgiving myself - it's honoring my husband, which to me means not engaging with someone who helped me betray my spouse.

And for the record, he moved 4 hours away and I've never seen him since.

 

Honoring your husband is not doing it again, not running out of anywhere. Like I said, to me that just means seeing the OM effects you & that's fine but on the grand scale of things, it doesn't mean anything. I keep my dignity & my head up in any situation. Even when that means facing a past mistake. 6 years later you think about a one night stand everyday? Have you tried IC? That's can't be healthy.

[Sub]

I think we're talking about two different things now. Wanting to know details a year or so after D-day (which wasn't something I did) is a different animal than wanting to know whether they recently had contact with the AP. If everything is great between you as a couple and the trust is truly there, I don't see how telling them about a chance encounter with the xAP leads to obsession over details. If everyone is so secure, what are you afraid of?

[katielee]

Honoring your husband is not doing it again, not running out of anywhere. Like I said, to me that just means seeing the OM effects you & that's fine but on the grand scale of things, it doesn't mean anything. I keep my dignity & my head up in any situation. Even when that means facing a past mistake. 6 years later you think about a one night stand everyday? Have you tried IC? That's can't be healthy.

 

when it comes to interaction with the former AP, I think the BS gets to call the shots. It's what we've agreed on together, same as you guys. This is what we decided on. Case closed. It's really not open to discussion from other people. If what you and your husband decided on is different and it works then good for you.

My dignity means honoring my husband in the ways WE'VE decided together and the way we've decided is from the suggestion of our MC.

[Sandy43]

I had affair bc I tried everything in my power with H & got no where. Met OM & he was so different from my H that we jut clicked. Also the way we met was really weird. We bumped into each other 3 times in same week (never seeing before in my life) by the 3rd time we started talking & it went from there. I've had many make grind over the years & thought it was like that. I was wrong. It wasn't about beating anyone to the punch, I had no marriage & met someone that made me laugh & smile when my husband wouldn't even look at me.

 

I find that to be the standard anwer for WS, but did you actually? Did you tell him I am going to have an affair if you don't communicate, listen, be more attentive etc (what ever the problems were?). I would wager a large sum of money that that conversation is never had.

[Popsicle]

My husband & I have two very different personalities. At first he wanted to believe OM was some sweet talking guy that some how seduces me into it. I'm thinking bc his ego took a hit. After our first therapy session, I let him know that wasn't true. I don't "hate" anybody, hate only eats up the person that's hating. Doesn't effect the other person at all.

 

I wasn't wrong to stand in a line. I didn't go "see" OM & like I've said, I'm an adult, I'm not gonna run from anyone ever (unless they're trying to kill me). He was behind me, we were inline for 15mins & went our separate ways. The only reason I even wrote this post was honestly to get other's views. I had no clue it was going to strike so many nerves.

 

You are getting others views.

 

If it's any consolation, the strategy that you are taking of just leaving it in the past and moving on mentality is one that I think many couples who have been through betrayal but still stay together take. It is valid and works.

[Whoknew30]

I think we're talking about two different things now. Wanting to know details a year or so after D-day (which wasn't something I did) is a different animal than wanting to know whether they recently had contact with the AP. If everything is great between you as a couple and the trust is truly there, I don't see how telling them about a chance encounter with the xAP leads to obsession over details. If everyone is so secure, what are you afraid of?

 

I'm not afraid of anything. I just don't believe in digging up graves. This has been something long buried & have no intention of having any contact with ExOM. If I had felt something or knew I couldn't be trusted, I would say something but I don't. So what is the point. Like I've said if he was standing in line next to ExOW, I don't feel need to know about it. Why? What is it going to accomplish? If he did say that to me, I'd ask. Do you have intentions of seeing her again, if the answer was no, then why do I care if you saw her. I don't.

[Whoknew30]

I find that to be the standard anwer for WS, but did you actually? Did you tell him I am going to have an affair if you don't communicate, listen, be more attentive etc (what ever the problems were?). I would wager a large sum of money that that conversation is never had.

 

Actually I did. Many times. So did my family. My dad told him, the last thing you want is a young attractive wife sitting at home all the time by herself. He just would say, yeah I know & that was that & he'd keep Doing what he was doing, thinking that would never happen.

[Whoknew30]

when it comes to interaction with the former AP, I think the BS gets to call the shots. It's what we've agreed on together, same as you guys. This is what we decided on. Case closed. It's really not open to discussion from other people. If what you and your husband decided on is different and it works then good for you.

My dignity means honoring my husband in the ways WE'VE decided together and the way we've decided is from the suggestion of our MC.

 

I understand that it is what you decided on but to me, honoring someone is making the right decision without them having to tell you what to do. My husband doesn't have to tell me what to do to make the right choice. Plus he would be upset if I did run, if someone doesn't mean anything anymore, why would feel that way. Seeing my ExAP didn't bring anything back. Minus me remembering he wasn't some jerk that used me for sex, he did care & I hurt him. If my husband saw OW I don't think it's a dishonor that he stayed in line.

It's over & he doesn't want her.! I want him to be his own person & I'm not his mother to tell him what to do, he's his own man to make his own decision. We truly trust each other again where things like that just aren't a factor.

[katielee]

Actually I did. Many times. So did my family. My dad told him, the last thing you want is a young attractive wife sitting at home all the time by herself. He just would say, yeah I know & that was that & he'd keep Doing what he was doing, thinking that would never happen.

 

There is no personal responsibility in this. So, have an affair to prove a point? Get hubby's attention?

[Sandy43]

I find that hard to believe, sorry I'm not calling you a liar but it seems very difficult to believe that someone would sit their spouse down and say I am planning on having an affair and the spouse just sits there and says nothing.

[Whoknew30]

There is no personal responsibility in this. So, have an affair to prove a point? Get hubby's attention?

 

No, I've said. I just no longer cared at that time. I wasn't looking but you can see (esp people that have been married for a long time) when a marriage is wide open for problems. I can see it now with some marriages. There are certain couples that I've hung out with & have told my friends, watch, they're gonna be cheating & I've been right.

[Whoknew30]

I find that hard to believe, sorry I'm not calling you a liar but it seems very difficult to believe that someone would sit their spouse down and say I am planning on having an affair and the spouse just sits there and says nothing.

 

I don't know why you wouldn't believe it. It's called denial. A lot of people live in denial. It wasn't I'm going to have an A but it was a conversation that our marriage is wide open for one..& it was. On both sides. Why do you think most A happen? Its usually a couple living in denial that everything is fine, even to one person that isn't seeing the changes. Like when you hear, one spouse saying they had all these negative feelings & things going on & the other acts like its a shock. It's called disconnected. If your emotionally disconnected with your spouse & one didn't see it & doesn't recognize it & think everything was so perfect. You don't think that's denial?

[66Charger]

I am really at a loss as to why the OP posted in the first place since she has all the answers. Her stance on infidleity in a marraige and all the damage it can do is not the same because there were no consequences. Her sense of morality is her own. She doesnt believe she nor her husband will cheat again. Okay.

 

But if all of this is in the past, why bring it up on this thread?

 

Who are you trying to convince OP?

 

It is unlikely that you are trying to convince anonymous posters on LS.

 

Maybe deep down, its you who doubts, even though your bravado suggest otherwise.

[Whoknew30]

I am really at a loss as to why the OP posted in the first place since she has all the answers. Her stance on infidleity in a marraige and all the damage it can do is not the same because there were no consequences. Her sense of morality is her own. She doesnt believe she nor her husband will cheat again. Okay.

 

But if all of this is in the past, why bring it up on this thread?

 

Who are you trying to convince OP?

 

It is unlikely that you are trying to convince anonymous posters on LS.

 

Maybe deep down, its you who doubts, even though your bravado suggest otherwise.

 

I posted bc of a conversation with my friends & I'm

Not trying to convince anything to anyone. It's others trying convince me or themselves that no one can handle an affair the way we did. Sorry but to say anything different from my truth would be a lie & im not going to lie about my life or situation. There would be o reason to.

[Sandy43]

I hear that alot on here that's why I commented, however I know for me personally if my husband had said anything like that to me that would have got my attention.

[Sub]

I'm not afraid of anything. I just don't believe in digging up graves. This has been something long buried & have no intention of having any contact with ExOM. If I had felt something or knew I couldn't be trusted, I would say something but I don't. So what is the point. Like I've said if he was standing in line next to ExOW, I don't feel need to know about it. Why? What is it going to accomplish? If he did say that to me, I'd ask. Do you have intentions of seeing her again, if the answer was no, then why do I care if you saw her. I don't.

 

I think referring to a chance encounter as potentially digging up a grave gives it the weight that you're trying to imply it doesn't have. You enjoyed seeing the OM and you talked. Your H hates him. I'm assuming he doesn't know you saw him and talked. So now, you have a secret. If it wasn't a big deal and you and your H have moved on, I don't see why you couldn't have mentioned it.

 

Let me ask you: let's say a friend saw you speaking with the XAP. They mention it your H. How would he react hearing it from them?

[Whoknew30]

Also who said there wasn't consequences, there was...we made our marriage work. It was a good consequence, why does it always have to be bad? I never said my husband may never cheat again. I'm saying i refuse & choose not to live my life like he would. Who wants to live their life thinking like that? Id rather be divorced if I lived that way. Him & I made bad choices, we owned them to each other, we moved on. Who said there has to bad consequences to move on from a bad time? I got married bc I loved him & to have a partner. Not to watch him like I'm his mom or to give each other prison sentences for years bc we screwed up. If he did it again, I'd deal with it of course but even if he did, wether it be him or another man, I will not live my life with bad thoughts running my days. It's no way to live for my own self & if I chose to live that way, I could never blame him

Or anyone else. It would be choice & choose not to be that way.

[Whoknew30]

I think referring to a chance encounter as potentially digging up a grave gives it the weight that you're trying to imply it doesn't have. You enjoyed seeing the OM and you talked. Your H hates him. I'm assuming he doesn't know you saw him and talked. So now, you have a secret. If it wasn't a big deal and you and your H have moved on, I don't see why you couldn't have mentioned it.

 

Let me ask you: let's say a friend saw you speaking with the XAP. They mention it your H. How would he react hearing it from them?

 

He'd ask if I was "seeing" him again. I'd say no, I ran into him in line & he'd ask, did he come on to you in any way & id say no & that would be that. My husband's friends don't know of my A, they know about his. My friends & family know about everything, since the beginning.

 

Also even if his friends did know, no one would say anything. No one we know wants to be involved with any other couple's problems. Maybe my best friend would say something to me if she saw OW but that's only bc she was with me when we ran into her & the girl literally ran the other way. We started laughing but I felt bad for her, bc she made herself look stupid. She didn't have to run from me. She's a person too &'had every right to be in public as I do.

[66Charger]

I think most are saying that recognizing that you both are capable of cheating and doing things proactively to not put yourself in the same position may be a better way to handle it. Thats not the same as living a life of constant surveillance.

 

If you feel that having conversations and feeling fondly of your AP poses no harm, then go for it. Of course, your husband is also allowed that privilege. There is a thing called affair proofing your marriage, and while it is not absolute, I am sure having pleasant conversations with you AP isnt part of that bible.

 

It does seem to be working for the two of you and that is all that really matters.

 

Wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday season.

[Whoknew30]

I think most are saying that recognizing that you both are capable of cheating and doing things proactively to not put yourself in the same position may be a better way to handle it. Thats not the same as living a life of constant surveillance.

 

If you feel that having conversations and feeling fondly of your AP poses no harm, then go for it. Of course, your husband is also allowed that privilege. There is a thing called affair proofing your marriage, and while it is not absolute, I am sure having pleasant conversations with you AP isnt part of that bible.

 

It does seem to be working for the two of you and that is all that really matters.

 

Wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday season.

 

We feel affair proofing our marriage was done when we talked about the things that led us to the A's to begin with & those things have really changed. We do things very differently than we did before & it has really worked. If I saw those things change again, I would know we once again were headed for trouble.

 

Thanks & you too

[afoolto no end]

this has been an interesting thread, I think the difference here is they both had affairs and can both relate to that side of the thinking feelings both to the AP and the BS they both hurt and were involved with.......

She is right none of us should feel intimidated with anyone else or anyone else's choices...it has nothing to do with us it is all them with that person....but do we live with some doubt it could happen again, of course, we are not stupid or blind trust anymore, we now know how easy it seemed to go down that road of destruction, when people no longer care to respect their spouses this is what happens.......the trick is to decide for one's self what that respect will look like after and what the Wayward Spouse believes his responsibility for that is for his spouse. I think one's life experiences does make a difference how well one can move forward. I know I will never trust my husband again like I did, and I think I did that foolishly believing he thought like I did, he didn't and never will that is what I have learned.......I have also learned I am free to go for any reason I chose not just his affair.....I have also learned I need him and want him in my life but I won't die if he choses someone else.......if he doesn't want to be with me then he is free and we both start over ........I think in long term marriages there is more things to consider about our lives and what we get out of them with our partners.........for me 30 years, one 6 month period of his stupidity wasn't the end. Could it happen again, it could if he loses his mind again, will I stay then, NO!!!

Have I put it all out of my mind and out of my worry NO!!! but I also know living in fear isn't something I will waste my time on ....I agree with the OP the only one to get my total loyalty is my two boys....Everyone else has to earn their keep in my life.........I give freely and love with all my heart for those that deserve it .....I live my life and if my husband can't keep up he is the one that will lose out not me.....I found my self worth during all the consequences affairs have.. My husband admires my grace and my strength during a very emotionally challenging time in my life.......

My wayward husband hurts more with his choices for his own life across the board, with family friends our kids, he made some very poor choices that hurt him the most in all of this...........

Everyone deserves a second chance in this life but it also depends how the wayward spouse conduct themselves after their poor choices that make us BS feel we made the right choice by giving that choice to them.....

I listened to what my gut said at the time.......we were worth fighting for changing for ...........It has been very freeing letting go of the bad and only seeing the good in him and basing all my trust on the things he does now ....It's been 6 years for us as well, it took work and it took time and communication....

right now our lives are better than they have ever been.......enjoying our kids, grandkids, friends........it was the right choice

Right or wrong I also have not forgiven his choice to have his affair, it was a choice and not a mistake so no forgiveness is needed from me, it is what his life was and living with that is his problem not mine.....I accepted it and moved forward with the new relationship

I accept his choices for his life and I won't burden myself with those.....I chose to stay because I want to, and I trust UNTIL(advice I received a long time ago) and it becomes easier each day that passes..........sorry so long ......the post has such an interesting take on it, something I wish a lot more people could get to.....

[Spectre]

He didn't help aid anything. I did it bc I wanted to. It was 100% my decision, he didn't make me, he didn't talk me into it or convince me. I married young, didn't know how to handle my problems & was wrong. I can't put that on someone else. If it wasn't him (at that time) it would have happened with someone else eventually. Just as I know it wasn't the OW that put a gun to my husband's head. He chose that with her & also hurt her in the process. Yes, they both knew we were married but neither one of them stood at that alter with us. It was 100% our fault.

 

Uh sweety did he know you were married? If the answer is yes then he played his part. He's a piece of trash you shouldn't enjoy talking to or still care for. You obviously do, so this marriage is pretty much doomed to me whenever a person who CHEATED still cares about the person they cheated with. It's sick and just counterproductive.

[Whoknew30]

Uh sweety did he know you were married? If the answer is yes then he played his part. He's a piece of trash you shouldn't enjoy talking to or still care for. You obviously do, so this marriage is pretty much doomed to me whenever a person who CHEATED still cares about the person they cheated with. It's sick and just counterproductive.

 

It would be counter productive if he was still part of my life, he's not. i don't think he's a peace of trash at all, I told him I didn't care about my marriage at the time & it looked pretty much over. You can think it's sick all you'd like. That's your feelings & you're entitled. You can't chose what you feel (& i do care in a way) you can only chose what to do with those feelings & I chose to do nothing but let him.

[Whoknew30]

It would be counter productive if he was still part of my life, he's not. i don't think he's a peace of trash at all, I told him I didn't care about my marriage at the time & it looked pretty much over. You can think it's sick all you'd like. That's your feelings & you're entitled. You can't chose what you feel (& i do care in a way) you can only chose what to do with those feelings & I chose to do nothing but let him go & i have & did.QUOTE]

[merrmeade]

Did you get your answer (ie, the only spouse that doesn't want to know)?

 

If you did, what have you decided?

 

If you didn't, why do you think you didn't?