WaitingForBardot Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 To answer the question in your OP, no, you are not the only spouse that would not want to know. I do know that my wife, at least earlier in our relationship, has had some regrets about not taken better advantage of her single years. She does travel a lot for work and so no doubt has had plenty of opportunities to satisfy her curiosity. Has she? Probably not, but so what if she did. She always comes home to me, always has time for me, and we continue to enjoy each others company after 30+ years together. We have a good, stable marriage and she has never given me even the slightest reason to believe otherwise. So, the only things that would happen if I found out she strayed would be my feelings would be hurt and my ego bruised. It wouldn't really change how I feel about her, or me, or our relationship, so I'd rather just not know. Ignorance is bliss! Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 To answer the question in your OP, no, you are not the only spouse that would not want to know. I do know that my wife, at least earlier in our relationship, has had some regrets about not taken better advantage of her single years. She does travel a lot for work and so no doubt has had plenty of opportunities to satisfy her curiosity. Has she? Probably not, but so what if she did. She always comes home to me, always has time for me, and we continue to enjoy each others company after 30+ years together. We have a good, stable marriage and she has never given me even the slightest reason to believe otherwise. So, the only things that would happen if I found out she strayed would be my feelings would be hurt and my ego bruised. It wouldn't really change how I feel about her, or me, or our relationship, so I'd rather just not know. Ignorance is bliss! and have you cheated? Online or otherwise? This includes flirting, emotional relationships and not just physical relationships. Also curious what the handle means – waiting for Bardo – if there's not an element of interest in women other than your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 To answer the question in your OP, no, you are not the only spouse that would not want to know. I do know that my wife, at least earlier in our relationship, has had some regrets about not taken better advantage of her single years. She does travel a lot for work and so no doubt has had plenty of opportunities to satisfy her curiosity. Has she? Probably not, but so what if she did. She always comes home to me, always has time for me, and we continue to enjoy each others company after 30+ years together. We have a good, stable marriage and she has never given me even the slightest reason to believe otherwise. So, the only things that would happen if I found out she strayed would be my feelings would be hurt and my ego bruised. It wouldn't really change how I feel about her, or me, or our relationship, so I'd rather just not know. Ignorance is bliss! essentially, waiting, you're saying it's ok if she cheats as long as you don't know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 essentially, waiting, you're saying it's ok if she cheats as long as you don't know about it. I didn't comprehend it that way. He said she has never given him a reason to think she ever has but if she did, he knows he'd forgive her, so why go there. So many people say they would want to know & once they find out...they stay anyways & then live years of agony. He doesn't want to live that way knowing he loves her & stay in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Which is exactly what I said. It's ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Which is exactly what I said. It's ok He didn't say cheating is ok. That wasn't in the post. If something is ok, you're not hurt or upset by it. He said he would be. He's saying he'd rather just not know, not that it's ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 To answer the questions: No I have not cheated, although as mentioned in another thread I do occasionally fantasize about women not my wife, and I have had close women friends before. My name is directed not at me, but rather at the people who's looking/waiting for Mr/Miss/Ms Right is not so different than the characters in the play... And an emphatic no, I did not say it would be okay if she strayed, I said I could understand why she might and that I'd accept it. WK30 got it. Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I could understand why she might and that I'd accept it. why? Why is it understandable to cheat? just because she had opportunity? Why would you accept it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 why? Why is it understandable to cheat? just because she had opportunity? Why would you accept it? Isn't anyone that stays with someone that cheats accepting it? Not accepting it would be getting a divorce. If your spouse cheats & BS stays, they've accepted it. & if you read his post, he already said bc his wife didn't get to live out her youth while young. That's why he'd understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Everything has its limits, including "ignorance is bliss". I'm sure it's not bliss in the case of std's....or if the AP turns out to be a bunny boiler....or if a pregnancy results from the A. I would guess even the most blissfully ignorant have their limits. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Isn't anyone that stays with someone that cheats accepting it? Not accepting it would be getting a divorce. If your spouse cheats & BS stays, they've accepted it. Quite simply, no. You're accepting the person, not the act. If you want to believe that a person is not defined by their actions or mistakes, than staying with them does not necessarily mean accepting their infidelity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Isn't anyone that stays with someone that cheats accepting it? Not accepting it would be getting a divorce. If your spouse cheats & BS stays, they've accepted it. & if you read his post, he already said bc his wife didn't get to live out her youth while young. That's why he'd understand it. God yes I hate the taste of this **** sandwich I chew on daily This is my biggest hurdle, how on earth could I have stayed with this man? Why am I accepting this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I married young and didn't really live my youth either. my husband wasn't very understanding when I had an affair, as he shouldn't have been, because it's an excuse, and a poor one at that, not a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 I married young and didn't really live my youth either. my husband wasn't very understanding when I had an affair, as he shouldn't have been, because it's an excuse, and a poor one at that, not a reason. Excuse & motive are different. Sometimes there isn't a excuse but there is a motive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Quite simply, no. You're accepting the person, not the act. If you want to believe that a person is not defined by their actions or mistakes, than staying with them does not necessarily mean accepting their infidelity. I disagree, if you didn't accept what a person has done, you wouldn't stay with them. Divorce, says "I didn't except it". My husband & I accepted it & moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Excuse & motive are different. Sometimes there isn't a excuse but there is a motive. Didn't you except it? Reading your threads, didn't your husband have two A's? Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Affairs are unacceptable in my book. But there are other things in life that are bigger than a few months of acting out. We've been together for 30 years and four kids living a great life. But the affairs were unacceptable. But nothing you can do - move on or divorce. We're living with it as best we can, enjoying the fruits of working hard together. I accepted they happened but they're unacceptable actions. The good outweighs the bad. Move forward a little smarter, wiser and grateful for what one does have. But you keep making excuses for them and that's all they are is excuses. Motive means nothing to me. Who cares WHY you do it. There's never an answer that makes it all ok. And now, I'm done with this thread.., Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Affairs are unacceptable in my book. But there are other things in life that are bigger than a few months of acting out. We've been together for 30 years and four kids living a great life. But the affairs were unacceptable. But nothing you can do - move on or divorce. We're living with it as best we can, enjoying the fruits of working hard together. I accepted they happened but they're unacceptable actions. The good outweighs the bad. Move forward a little smarter, wiser and grateful for what one does have. But you keep making excuses for them and that's all they are is excuses. Motive means nothing to me. Who cares WHY you do it. There's never an answer that makes it all ok. And now, I'm done with this thread.., If a person didn't have a motive to do something, they would have never done it in the first place. I would figure that WS & twice BS would know that. Good outwaying bad is another way of saying "i expected the bad for the good". Especially if you forgive something twice. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Isn't anyone that stays with someone that cheats accepting it? Not accepting it would be getting a divorce. If your spouse cheats & BS stays, they've accepted it. & if you read his post, he already said bc his wife didn't get to live out her youth while young. That's why he'd understand it. What do you mean by accept? Do you mean accept as in, accepting the reality of the situation? Or accept as in condoning the WS' cheating? Because those are two very different meanings. A BS can certainly accept their reality- the fact that their spouse cheated, but not accept the cheating itself- not condone it. I know for me, that's how it was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I disagree, if you didn't accept what a person has done, you wouldn't stay with them. Divorce, says "I didn't except it". My husband & I accepted it & moved on. Maybe we're thinking of different uses of the word. I accept that the A happened, and we have been moving forward. I don't find it acceptable behavior, nor accept it as a rational reaction to what my WW felt was wrong in our M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Only read the first page of this thread so I'll just address the first post: OP the bottom line all depends on what you and your husband have agreed on in terms of unexpected contact with the APs. If your husband has specifically told you that he doesn't want to hear about any contact you have with your Ex OM then fine, don't tell him. But if he hasn't ever expressed a desire to remain blissfully unaware then you are disrespecting him and your marriage by withholding this info. You are keeping secrets and arrogantly decided what is best for your husband based on what you think and feel, not based on your husbands thoughts and feelings. Who are you to decide what is good for your husband and what information he deserves to have? At the very least ask him if he would want to know if you were to run into your ex ap and have a chat. If he says no then great, you're all good, but if he says yes then you better tell or consider if you are capable of an open and honest relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 This is semantics and a matter of emphasis. "Not accepting" emphasizes disapproval or disavowal of the act but does not imply an inability to move on. If you've "accepted" and moved on, the emphasis is on moving on but does not suggest approval of the affair. In both cases, the parties have been able to move on; the A is no longer their primary focus. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 What do you mean by accept? Do you mean accept as in, accepting the reality of the situation? Or accept as in condoning the WS' cheating? Because those are two very different meanings. A BS can certainly accept their reality- the fact that their spouse cheated, but not accept the cheating itself- not condone it. I know for me, that's how it was. First definition of accepted- generally believed or recognized to be valid or correct. The reality of the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Maybe we're thinking of different uses of the word. I accept that the A happened, and we have been moving forward. I don't find it acceptable behavior, nor accept it as a rational reaction to what my WW felt was wrong in our M. You accept that the behavior happened. I never said it acceptable behavior. All I'm saying is, if a BS chooses to stay after knowing, they've accepted it. Wether you moved on or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 This is semantics and a matter of emphasis. "Not accepting" emphasizes disapproval or disavowal of the act but does not imply an inability to move on. If you've "accepted" and moved on, the emphasis is on moving on but does not suggest approval of the affair. In both cases, the parties have been able to move on; the A is no longer their primary focus. The definition of accepted...generally believed or recognized to be valid or correct.... That's all I was saying when I said it & other bc they don't understand definitions of words, turn into something else. I've noticed people don't really either stick to what someone one is saying or they truly don't comprehend what someone is saying. Link to post Share on other sites
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