Am I the only spouse that doesn't want to know?

[Mamba]

Ooh this thread has actually made me join up to LS so I can wade in with my take. For me the OP is thinking differently to the majority who have replied to her post; probably because, unlike them she is no longer living with the scars of what happened 6 years ago. I think she comes across as incredibly in-charge of her emotions and actions and is someone who is in a healthy state of mind. What a refreshing attitude compared to a lot of the posts here, where the damage done to people through the affairs (whether BS, AP, OM/OW perspective etc) have messed with their soul and mind.

 

Also quite simply ANYONE that chooses to try and forgive an affair, for whatever their reasons, clearly feels it IS a forgivable offence. Or otherwise they wouldn't choose that path. Therefore, they shouldn't hark on about it like it's an unforgivable action. Only people that stand by their principles and throw the WS out can take that stance. The OP has truly healed, dealt with her and her husband's actions, and left that dark period of her marriage firmly in the past. Others are still struggling to move on.

 

For clarity, I'm not a BS. I batted for the other team.

[Sub]

Ok, not hate but when you forgive anything (wether that's for yourself or anything else) you at some point have to let it go.

 

I have a different take, based on my experience. I think you can move forward in life with this person without forgiving it. I want all of the good things a life with my WS will bring even if I'm still working through some of the past heartbreak of our life together. I can not forgive it, or not completely let it go, without holding it over her head.

[Whoknew30]

Whoknew30 this is my last post to you because I will never understand your frame of thinking as it does not apply to my situation at all. When you have been with a serial cheater who breaks NC and the gift of False R, blind trust will never be given again, but that's me and I'm okay with that. Those are MY values.

 

My frame of thinking, is knowing my worth & never allowing a man (or anyone) to make me feel insecure. Good luck to you

[Whoknew30]

I have a different take, based on my experience. I think you can move forward in life with this person without forgiving it. I want all of the good things a life with my WS will bring even if I'm still working through some of the past heartbreak of our life together. I can not forgive it, or not completely let it go, without holding it over her head.

 

You can't move forward from anything holding it over someone's head. I knew that, either we were going to work it out or let it go. You just can't let her go & that's not fair to either of you. So unhealthy. You either let the hurt go or her go. If you truly tried to let it go, your relationship would be so much better. The worst has happened, only up from there.

[katielee]

Self forgiveness - to me - includes always being respectful of my husband. I guess I see this differently than you, WK, although I appreciate your perspective.

I cannot and will not ever hold my AP in any kind of positive regard. To do so, to me, would be furthering the betrayal.

The same goes with him. If he has any positive feelings towards either of his AP he should be with her, not me. They cannot, in my mind, co-exist. It's all in or all out... and it has nothing to do with forgiving each other. It has to do with a rock solid commitment to the marriage.

[katielee]

 

left that dark period of her marriage firmly in the past. Others are still struggling to move on.

 

For clarity, I'm not a BS. I batted for the other team.

 

If one is firmly leaving that dark part in the past then why even speak to the AP?

[Whoknew30]

I have to live according to my values and that includes making my husbands emotional safety a priority...

I'm not bad for life. But I have no idea if my AP is. He certainly was when he was in an affair.

 

I read some of your back posts & that's exactly how I do not want to live. I'll never live freaking out that my husband changed a password, esp after cheating myself too. I have forgiven myself & my husband. You live in the past, it's evidently not giving you peace of mind. Let it go! Running from AP doesn't take back your A it makes one look weak & immature & the man you had A with is a bad man but now you have such values? Not making much sense to me. You picked a bad man to have A with, I didn't.

[Whoknew30]

Self forgiveness - to me - includes always being respectful of my husband. I guess I see this differently than you, WK, although I appreciate your perspective.

I cannot and will not ever hold my AP in any kind of positive regard. To do so, to me, would be furthering the betrayal.

The same goes with him. If he has any positive feelings towards either of his AP he should be with her, not me. They cannot, in my mind, co-exist. It's all in or all out... and it has nothing to do with forgiving each other. It has to do with a rock solid commitment to the marriage.

 

You're so insecure. You have to stop for your own happiness. You had an A too but that's not why you're saying what you are bc you're insecure your husband feels that way about his ExAP. Most people have affairs with people they like & get along with or they would have an A with them in the first place. I'd bet your husband holds no grudge towards either woman. He'll tell you that bc you're not gonna except & different answer...& that is part why spouses lie bc another won't lighten up.

[Whoknew30]

Ooh this thread has actually made me join up to LS so I can wade in with my take. For me the OP is thinking differently to the majority who have replied to her post; probably because, unlike them she is no longer living with the scars of what happened 6 years ago. I think she comes across as incredibly in-charge of her emotions and actions and is someone who is in a healthy state of mind. What a refreshing attitude compared to a lot of the posts here, where the damage done to people through the affairs (whether BS, AP, OM/OW perspective etc) have messed with their soul and mind.

 

Also quite simply ANYONE that chooses to try and forgive an affair, for whatever their reasons, clearly feels it IS a forgivable offence. Or otherwise they wouldn't choose that path. Therefore, they shouldn't hark on about it like it's an unforgivable action. Only people that stand by their principles and throw the WS out can take that stance. The OP has truly healed, dealt with her and her husband's actions, and left that dark period of her marriage firmly in the past. Others are still struggling to move on.

 

For clarity, I'm not a BS. I batted for the other team.

 

Thanks. I made a choice I wasn't gonna to let anything effect me in certain ways. I've been like this since a kid. It drives my friends crazy . When they're freaking out about life things, I calm them down. No one gets in my head but me.

[Whoknew30]

If one is firmly leaving that dark part in the past then why even speak to the AP?

 

Bc it HOLDS NO CONTROL over me. None what so ever, neither does my husband's A. Nothing, not even a little! You're still controlled by it. You're living in the past & it's driving you crazy.

[katielee]

I am? We do things differently. So be it... I am happy. Are you? If so, then why post?

I'm insecure? I'm secure in being a safe partner for my BS. I didn't have that value before when I had an affair. I do now... Integrity grows from being a good person and being a safe partner is one of the ways I have integrity. I'm really good with that. You can define security and maturity how you wish. So will I.

[Whoknew30]

First off WhoKnew, thank you for you thread, and your attempt to clarify your personal situation in spite of a dozen people who simply do not agree with you nor pretend to understand you.

 

What I see is that for you there is a higher level of trust. And this is the trust I seek in my WW. I am not, as in your situation, a WH and BH. Just a BH.

 

And I see that for me the most important step would be for me to have the definition of trust that you currently have, the both of you: I trust you not to step back into that world.

 

I suppose the only way to actually know that is true is when NC is temporarily broken through chance encounters. If total NC is the only way, then a BS has no way of knowing if they are truly in a space of trust.

 

My situation is far more complicated than yours because my WW feel in love with a single, divorce ex BH. And he remains that way. And he awaits that the same fate that hit him will pass through me and give him back my wife.

 

And to make matters more complex, they work together in the same university faculty so visual contact is inevitable week after week. I have to live with this reality. Knowing that all her close colleagues are his too. Knowing that they will both retire from this faculty years from now. Knowing that one day the administration might throw them together in an obligatory commission of some sort.

 

And what I DONT need is to have my wife walk around telling me she HATES her AP because I know she does not and has little to disrespect him for. Certainly NOTHING that comes from their time together. Besides, she pursued him relentlessly. What I need to know, where trust comes for me is when she can move freely through her workplace and not think or worry about "bumping" into him. What matters to me is not him or her in NC (which they have) but trusting her to move on and not nurture any previous feelings for him. This is what you have, and you have bent over backwards in trying to convince everyone that this level of trust is more important.

 

I believe you are right, but I also believe this comes from years of working through all the other issues. I cannot expect this from my WW just 2.5 years post DDAY. But if we are to remain married, I will need to see and feel it somewhere down this path. In the meantime, yes, I want her to tell me if she bumped into him in any "significant" way, meaning her colleagues had her ear and called him over to talk. I don't need to hear from her she "saw" him in the parking lot going into the building. This is not trust. Trust is telling me he said "hi" to her passing each other in a hallway and she moved on. But in 2 years I hope I don't need to hear anything because there is nothing to say regardless. I have listened to her recount these stories and she seems to understand that the important meaning for her is how her body responded to these encounters, and she is clearly "over him" in that regard.

 

Again thanks for you clear, interesting and detailed explanation of your particular situation. Very helpful to me.

 

 

After I confessed & a month later found out about H it was difficult. There were fighting & tears. We went to therapy right away & I made it be known that I wanted to try & fix, he said him too & honestly neither one of us looked back. He even sent me on a vacation with my friends for a week (as he hung with my family while I was gone). When we told each other that we chose our marriage. I from the bottom of my heart knew that to be true. After a year, we were so much better, lol so much so, our son came along. Youre exactly right, trust isn't running back to tell everything, every second of the day. Trust is, your spouse taking care of things on their own & you supporting them. I really hope everything works out for you. If you get through this & truly let it go (since the worst has happened) your relationship will be at a place you could never imagine. (

[katielee]

I maintain that someone doing a married woman is a bad person. Maybe they've grown since then but you don't know that. They certainly were DURING the affair. I don't know how this is even debatable..

[Whoknew30]

I am? We do things differently. So be it... I am happy. Are you? If so, then why post?

I'm insecure? I'm secure in being a safe partner for my BS. I didn't have that value before when I had an affair. I do now... Integrity grows from being a good person and being a safe partner is one of the ways I have integrity. I'm really good with that. You can define security and maturity how you wish. So will I.

 

I've read your posts. Your husband had 2 affairs but you'd be more focused on running out of the store if you saw ExAP. That doesn't make a once of sense & yes I am happy. i define security & maturity on my actions. I feel no need to run from anyone, I feel no need to check on my husband. Neither one of us do. If you feel the need to run, that's not secure, at all. If you feel the need to still check your husbands accounts, that's not secure at all. You need to be honest with yourself. I could a less, what happens in your life. I'm just telling you from woman to woman. Let it all go or move on.

[Whoknew30]

I maintain that someone doing a married woman is a bad person. Maybe they've grown since then but you don't know that. They certainly were DURING the affair. I don't know how this is even debatable..

 

I'm not out to make anyone a bad guy. I was the bad guy, I brought him into my marriage. He cared for me & thought my marriage was pretty much done. You focus a lot on how the ExAP was bad but now you have such values & integrity...passing the buck much. Ypu brought other man into your marriage, that's actually worse then AP. They didn't stand at the alter, you & your spouse did.

[katielee]

I was the bad guy too. But you keep making the point that your AP was a good man, and I'm pointing out that how could he be? You and I are different in that I think that human beings owe each other... doesn't matter if they made vows or now. Simply by being born we owe kindness to each other... I was the bad guy to HIS marriage and MY marriage - I think about HIS BS every day, and my role in hurting her. It's called empathy...

 

I'm very honest with myself. I can't believe we've survived all this and we're moving forward considering there were 3 affairs and a sexual assault in a short amount of time. Today is our 28th anniversary and we're going to a bball game with our friends, a game where OW1 has tickets. And I'm going and will have a good time.

As I look at our recovery in 6 months increments I see such huge growth. I'm not the person who's going to go cold turkey not checking accounts - I checked everything right away. I haven't looked at his email in 2 years. So, that's how I heal. And you heal or do things differently.

 

And you've insulted me. And I've told you I appreciate your perspective. You asked a question, got several opinions. One poster said maybe he'll be where you are at at the 6 year mark for him. But everyone else has said something different. So, you have your answer. But to insult the rest of us who are doing things differently well, I don't know what to say. Good luck I guess.

[Whoknew30]

I was the bad guy too. But you keep making the point that your AP was a good man, and I'm pointing out that how could he be? You and I are different in that I think that human beings owe each other... doesn't matter if they made vows or now. Simply by being born we owe kindness to each other... I was the bad guy to HIS marriage and MY marriage - I think about HIS BS every day, and my role in hurting her. It's called empathy...

 

I'm very honest with myself. I can't believe we've survived all this and we're moving forward considering there were 3 affairs and a sexual assault in a short amount of time. Today is our 28th anniversary and we're going to a bball game with our friends, a game where OW1 has tickets. And I'm going and will have a good time.

As I look at our recovery in 6 months increments I see such huge growth. I'm not the person who's going to go cold turkey not checking accounts - I checked everything right away. I haven't looked at his email in 2 years. So, that's how I heal. And you heal or do things differently.

 

And you've insulted me. And I've told you I appreciate your perspective. You asked a question, got several opinions. One poster said maybe he'll be where you are at at the 6 year mark for him. But everyone else has said something different. So, you have your answer. But to insult the rest of us who are doing things differently well, I don't know what to say. Good luck I guess.

 

 

Wasn't my intention to offened you. Sometimes typing something doesn't have the same tone as saying it. If you think about ExAP bs everyday, you are still living in the past. I have chose not to live in the past, I never have in any situation. Learning from the past & still living there are two different things. I said two each is own. I can't go through any situation in life & hold on to negative, my AP wasn't married at the time, so I did no damage to his family. If I had, I would have let that go too. Empathy & living in the past are also two differen things. Something like that is their problem, no longer yours. Good luck & enjoy your game.

[purplesorrow]

Thanks. I made a choice I wasn't gonna to let anything effect me in certain ways. I've been like this since a kid. It drives my friends crazy . When they're freaking out about life things, I calm them down. No one gets in my head but me.

 

If this is truly you, why did you cheat? Why not another avenue to work on your marriage?

[Whoknew30]

If this is truly you, why did you cheat? Why not another avenue to work on your marriage?

 

I tried everything. At the time my husband said we were fine & that we didn't therapy. I had extensive conversations with him, told him how I felt. I never got anything back from him. I think bc we were together since so young, he thought divorce was never gonna happen & if we ignores things out problems would eventually go away. One of the first things he said to me after I confessed, was the worst has happened, now what do we do. The next week we were in therapy. He during that time was trying to cut it off with OW & that's when I found out he had A also.

[Whoknew30]

I should add, I confessed so it would all be over. Wether we'd fix it or divorced, I was prepared for either. I knew after a year of it living that way, I couldn't live like that anymore & something had to give.

[purplesorrow]

I should add, I confessed so it would all be over. Wether we'd fix it or divorced, I was prepared for either. I knew after a year of it living that way, I couldn't live like that anymore & something had to give.

 

Why didn't you leave? How was sneaking behind your partner's back a more appealing option? I'm confused at how you say you won't let anything nor anyone effect you in a certain way. Weren't you betraying yourself by cheating?

[Whoknew30]

Why didn't you leave? How was sneaking behind your partner's back a more appealing option? I'm confused at how you say you won't let anything nor anyone effect you in a certain way. Weren't you betraying yourself by cheating?

 

I didn't feel like that, nor did I go out looking for it on purpose. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted my marriage back. When I felt it was over, I no longer cared. What did the cheating part matter, when I just no longer cared. At that time, after I tried & tried I just thought f-it. Then I figured out I didn't like living that way & I met a guy that I could see myself actually dating. So when I confessed, I said I've been seeing someone else. I don't love him but I do like him & I don't want to continue our marriage feeling like this. Either we divorce (which is not what I want) or we need to really change our marriage. I did something I wasn't proud of but do I feel I betrayed myself, no...no I don't. People say all the time, "why didn't you just leave" have you ever seen someone actually do that? They get the same crap that would from cheating. How can you leave your family bc you're not happy & bla bla bla. I would have more of a hellish time trying to just leave vs cheating. At least that gave a solid reason for divorce or change vs me saying "I'm just not happy" (which I had already tried).

[purplesorrow]

I didn't feel like that, nor did I go out looking for it on purpose. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted my marriage back. When I felt it was over, I no longer cared. What did the cheating part matter, when I just no longer cared. At that time, after I tried & tried I just thought f-it. Then I figured out I didn't like living that way & I met a guy that I could see myself actually dating. So when I confessed, I said I've been seeing someone else. I don't love him but I do like him & I don't want to continue our marriage feeling like this. Either we divorce (which is not what I want) or we need to really change our marriage. I did something I wasn't proud of but do I feel I betrayed myself, no...no I don't. People say all the time, "why didn't you just leave" have you ever seen someone actually do that? They get the same crap that would from cheating. How can you leave your family bc you're not happy & bla bla bla. I would have more of a hellish time trying to just leave vs cheating. At least that gave a solid reason for divorce or change vs me saying "I'm just not happy" (which I had already tried).

 

It mattered because you were still married. I have seen people leave without cheating. And no, they didn't get the same crap as you say. Thanks for responding. I don't get however; how lying and sneaking didn't betray your stance of nothing being able to effect you. Peace.

[Whoknew30]

It mattered because you were still married. I have seen people leave without cheating. And no, they didn't get the same crap as you say. Thanks for responding. I don't get however; how lying and sneaking didn't betray your stance of nothing being able to effect you. Peace.

 

I've seen it a million times." I can't believe they're getting a divorce for no reason" the spouse crying it came out of nowhere. I made a wrong choice & I forgave myself for it. Once you own something & face the outcome & make your apologies to who need to...it's over. If it wasn't over for my H then that is his problem & there wouldn't be anything I could do about it but expect how he wanted to handle his own feelings, even if that meant divorce. When one doesn't care anymore (which I didn't) then it really didn't effect me. I came home fine, what did effect me, was not wanting to live like that forever bc it's not healthy & I felt stuck. I didn't want to feel stuck anymore. Made a wrong choice, owned my crap & moved on no longer feeling any guilt for it. That's forgiveness, wether it's to yourself or another. You can't hold to bad forever...it will eat you alive.

[purplesorrow]

I've seen it a million times." I can't believe they're getting a divorce for no reason" the spouse crying it came out of nowhere. I made a wrong choice & I forgave myself for it. Once you own something & face the outcome & make your apologies to who need to...it's over. If it wasn't over for my H then that is his problem & there wouldn't be anything I could do about it but expect how he wanted to handle his own feelings, even if that meant divorce. When one doesn't care anymore (which I didn't) then it really didn't effect me. I came home fine, what did effect me, was not wanting to live like that forever bc it's not healthy & I felt stuck. I didn't want to feel stuck anymore. Made a wrong choice, owned my crap & moved on no longer feeling any guilt for it. That's forgiveness, wether it's to yourself or another. You can't hold to bad forever...it will eat you alive.

 

Thanks again, not sure what the forgiveness blurb has to do with the very simple question I posed. I'm very aware of how forgiveness works. I forgave my ex for cheating but chose to divorce.