Author Whoknew30 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 this has been an interesting thread, I think the difference here is they both had affairs and can both relate to that side of the thinking feelings both to the AP and the BS they both hurt and were involved with....... She is right none of us should feel intimidated with anyone else or anyone else's choices...it has nothing to do with us it is all them with that person....but do we live with some doubt it could happen again, of course, we are not stupid or blind trust anymore, we now know how easy it seemed to go down that road of destruction, when people no longer care to respect their spouses this is what happens.......the trick is to decide for one's self what that respect will look like after and what the Wayward Spouse believes his responsibility for that is for his spouse. I think one's life experiences does make a difference how well one can move forward. I know I will never trust my husband again like I did, and I think I did that foolishly believing he thought like I did, he didn't and never will that is what I have learned.......I have also learned I am free to go for any reason I chose not just his affair.....I have also learned I need him and want him in my life but I won't die if he choses someone else.......if he doesn't want to be with me then he is free and we both start over ........I think in long term marriages there is more things to consider about our lives and what we get out of them with our partners.........for me 30 years, one 6 month period of his stupidity wasn't the end. Could it happen again, it could if he loses his mind again, will I stay then, NO!!! Have I put it all out of my mind and out of my worry NO!!! but I also know living in fear isn't something I will waste my time on ....I agree with the OP the only one to get my total loyalty is my two boys....Everyone else has to earn their keep in my life.........I give freely and love with all my heart for those that deserve it .....I live my life and if my husband can't keep up he is the one that will lose out not me.....I found my self worth during all the consequences affairs have.. My husband admires my grace and my strength during a very emotionally challenging time in my life....... My wayward husband hurts more with his choices for his own life across the board, with family friends our kids, he made some very poor choices that hurt him the most in all of this........... Everyone deserves a second chance in this life but it also depends how the wayward spouse conduct themselves after their poor choices that make us BS feel we made the right choice by giving that choice to them..... I listened to what my gut said at the time.......we were worth fighting for changing for ...........It has been very freeing letting go of the bad and only seeing the good in him and basing all my trust on the things he does now ....It's been 6 years for us as well, it took work and it took time and communication.... right now our lives are better than they have ever been.......enjoying our kids, grandkids, friends........it was the right choice Right or wrong I also have not forgiven his choice to have his affair, it was a choice and not a mistake so no forgiveness is needed from me, it is what his life was and living with that is his problem not mine.....I accepted it and moved forward with the new relationship I accept his choices for his life and I won't burden myself with those.....I chose to stay because I want to, and I trust UNTIL(advice I received a long time ago) and it becomes easier each day that passes..........sorry so long ......the post has such an interesting take on it, something I wish a lot more people could get to..... You know your self worth & to me there isn't anything in the world that's a better feeling. I like your take on how you didn't forgive but didn't take that on to hold onto forever. Your boys & husband are very lucky to have you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Did you get your answer (ie, the only spouse that doesn't want to know)? If you did, what have you decided? If you didn't, why do you think you didn't? I still don't want to know. There isn't any reason to IMO. It's not productive in my life at all to know. I know he won't have a relationship with her again, so in no way does it bother me. She's a person that existed in his life once, now she doesn't. Done. Nothing anyone has said here makes me think different, In fact it's the opposite. I now see him & I have done what many haven't been able to & it makes me happy we chose it this way & our life is good & I haven't allowed my self to become jaded by a bad time our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I still don't want to know. There isn't any reason to IMO. It's not productive in my life at all to know. I know he won't have a relationship with her again, so in no way does it bother me. She's a person that existed in his life once, now she doesn't. Done. Nothing anyone has said here makes me think different, In fact it's the opposite. I now see him & I have done what many haven't been able to & it makes me happy we chose it this way & our life is good & I haven't allowed my self to become jaded by a bad time our marriage. I thought your question was whether you're the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 I thought your question was whether you're the only one. It was but man this thread turned into something else & hit a lot of nerves. I'm glad I posted though, it has been very insightful. ( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I still don't want to know. There isn't any reason to IMO. It's not productive in my life at all to know. I know he won't have a relationship with her again, so in no way does it bother me. She's a person that existed in his life once, now she doesn't. Done. Nothing anyone has said here makes me think different, In fact it's the opposite. I now see him & I have done what many haven't been able to & it makes me happy we chose it this way & our life is good & I haven't allowed my self to become jaded by a bad time our marriage. Although I would want to know if my H XAP attempted contact with him, I feel similar to the rest of your post. I too made a decision to not allow his 3 month A to ruin what we can be in our future together. It has been 2 years since Dday and other than MC we don't really discuss the A anymore. It nolonger dominates my thoughts and we are happier than we have ever been. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I'm confused, what made you post about a situation you feel you have under control? Was there something specific you needed from posting? I ask because you don't seen open to advice or discussion yet you sought out the forum. Is there something we've miss, some way we can help? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I think we all react differently to A's, and there's no universally correct way. We do what we feel we need to do to get by. Nerves get struck when you start to call people insecure, say reactions are all "for show", and tout your own inner strength while implying other people give up control of their minds. We could be more careful with our words, I think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 I'm confused, what made you post about a situation you feel you have under control? Was there something specific you needed from posting? I ask because you don't seen open to advice or discussion yet you sought out the forum. Is there something we've miss, some way we can help? I never asked for advice. All I asked if other splices would want to know..& others turned into advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 No, I've said. I just no longer cared at that time. I wasn't looking but you can see (esp people that have been married for a long time) when a marriage is wide open for problems. I can see it now with some marriages. There are certain couples that I've hung out with & have told my friends, watch, they're gonna be cheating & I've been right. lol I can see it from a mile away too. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Oh and if/when you no longer care, you're supposed to divorce, not cheat.... And for the record, I would leave a spouse who cheated, but for the sake of discussion, if I decided to stay, no, I would not want to know because I believe what you believe, that you just have to leave the affair in the past and never look back. If I caught him cheating again though, I'd divorce him immediately and would not even try another false reconciliation. Edited November 24, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 oh and if/when you no longer care, you're supposed to divorce, not cheat.... qft!! .... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 I think we all react differently to A's, and there's no universally correct way. We do what we feel we need to do to get by. Nerves get struck when you start to call people insecure, say reactions are all "for show", and tout your own inner strength while implying other people give up control of their minds. We could be more careful with our words, I think. Most people want things sugar coated & I have never sugar coated anything. I say things how I see it & certain things are bc someone is insecure & some actions are dramatic. Im not touting anything, I'm just saying how I've handled things, which is my truth. Some BS want to hear whatever they do is ok bc someone cheated on them & how they can't control this or that, one ALWAYS has control themselves , no matter what & if you lose that, only you can get it back. Anyone can have self strength, all you have to do is chose it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Perhaps you cheated just to get your husbands attention, but some people cheat for other reasons, like boredom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Oh and if/when you no longer care, you're supposed to divorce, not cheat.... And for the record, I would leave a spouse who cheated, but for the sake of discussion, if I decided to stay, no, I would not want to know because I believe what you believe, that you just have to leave the affair in the past and never look back. If I caught him cheating again though, I'd divorce him immediately and would not even try another false reconciliation. I chose to cheat. Just as you wouldn't stay, I truly didn't want a divorce. I just didn't know how care anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Perhaps you cheated just to get your husbands attention, but some people cheat for other reasons, like boredom. Wasn't attention, it was just fed up. I wanted to be married & happy he seemed incapable at the time. He grew up only child & his mom left when he was a kid. I found out in therapy that he truly didn't know how to handle a family, also found out the way my sickness effected him & he just shut down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I chose to cheat. Just as you wouldn't stay, I truly didn't want a divorce. I just didn't know how care anymore. Well, if divorce is absolutely unthinkable, then you have no choice but to forgive and forget, assuming you don't see the point in obsessing over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Wasn't attention, it was just fed up. I wanted to be married & happy he seemed incapable at the time. He grew up only child & his mom left when he was a kid. I found out in therapy that he truly didn't know how to handle a family, also found out the way my sickness effected him & he just shut down. When I say attention, what I mean is, getting your spouse to get in gear and working on the marriage in the way you need them to. Occasionally that is a positive outcome of A's. Are you feeling like he's slipping back into his old ways or something? I still think cheating is not the answer to this problem. Were you getting needs met by the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Well, if divorce is absolutely unthinkable, then you have no choice but to forgive and forget, assuming you don't see the point in obsessing over it. Divorce isn't unthinkable, I can get through a divorce & had a choice wether to forgive or not, I did choose to forgive. He did it again, I'm out. I've been with H since highschool. We've been part of every "grownup" experience together. In our first year & a half of marriage at 18...his grandmother (that helped raise him) died two weeks before wedding, we got married, had a baby, I got a life threatening illness that last for years & filed bankruptcy due to medical bills. There isn't anyone id rather go through things with bc I know him & I are great at getting through tough times. After all of that before 21, I mentally can't obsess over too many things. My Kids & that's it. My son is 5 & has been diagnosed with Autism a year ago. He's nonverbal. So many things have happened in my life that have been 100% out of my control. That I've learned what I can control & obsessing is one of them. I don't want to spend my time that way, IMO pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 When I say attention, what I mean is, getting your spouse to get in gear and working on the marriage in the way you need them to. Occasionally that is a positive outcome of A's. Are you feeling like he's slipping back into his old ways or something? I still think cheating is not the answer to this problem. Were you getting needs met by the OM? Honestly, OM was drop dead gorgeous! When he walks in a room, every woman turns her head, even the gay one's! I figured he was out just to have sex but he wasn't. Him & I just clicked, we barely had sex. He was just fun to be around. I could talk to him for 12 hours & it wasn't ever enough time. I had been through so much bad times, it was nice to have a good time. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Honestly, OM was drop dead gorgeous! When he walks in a room, every woman turns her head, even the gay one's! I figured he was out just to have sex but he wasn't. Him & I just clicked, we barely had sex. He was just fun to be around. I could talk to him for 12 hours & it wasn't ever enough time. I had been through so much bad times, it was nice to have a good time. You sound like my xOM. I was an escape for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 You sound like my xOM. I was an escape for him. Yes, he was my escape & I ended up hurting him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Yes, he was my escape & I ended up hurting him too. It is hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Personally, from page 1 of this thread, my thought as been that you and your H are pretty much "even Steven," tit for tat. It's balanced, the amount and kind of hurt, shock, remorse and whatever other fallout you guys have experienced from your mutual As. It seems so obvoius that I haven't even been interested enough to read all the posts. I see OP getting defensive a bit and wonder about that. Instead of reading responses and answering with a Hmmm, that's interesting or a what about this?, she explains, answers and clarifies so we agree with her, I guess. Well, I don't see much help here or growth for anyone. I mean, it's what it is. Kind of interesting. Definitely unique. They sort of did everything the same and one canceled out the other in a way. So they go on. I don't really see why they need to fix or change anything. It makes perfect sense to me and that hasn't changed for all these pages. But maybe I'm missing something and she IS getting some help and will realize it later. If so, that's good. LS working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whoknew30 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Personally, from page 1 of this thread, my thought as been that you and your H are pretty much "even Steven," tit for tat. It's balanced, the amount and kind of hurt, shock, remorse and whatever other fallout you guys have experienced from your mutual As. It seems so obvoius that I haven't even been interested enough to read all the posts. I see OP getting defensive a bit and wonder about that. Instead of reading responses and answering with a Hmmm, that's interesting or a what about this?, she explains, answers and clarifies so we agree with her, I guess. Well, I don't see much help here or growth for anyone. I mean, it's what it is. Kind of interesting. Definitely unique. They sort of did everything the same and one canceled out the other in a way. So they go on. I don't really see why they need to fix or change anything. It makes perfect sense to me and that hasn't changed for all these pages. But maybe I'm missing something and she IS getting some help and will realize it later. If so, that's good. LS working. It's not so anyone agrees with me. When I asked my question, it was bc of a conversation with friends, not bc I was searching for advice. I was curious to others views. Its been insightful. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 It's not so anyone agrees with me. When I asked my question, it was bc of a conversation with friends, not bc I was searching for advice. I was curious to others views. Its been insightful. Yes, I think I see that. And I meant no judgment. I actually think I get it and it seems pretty unique. But maybe I don't (because it's so unique). You clearly empathize and understand a LOT of people's experiences, so you must have gone through it. If it's over for you, it's over. If you don't need for him to report to you, you've explained why and it makes sense to me. HOWEVER, I do see happening to you what happens to all of us. You post a thread and get remarks and perspectives you hadn't thought about. It's always useful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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