Am I the only spouse that doesn't want to know?

[Sub]

I've read a dictionary as well. I think we're speaking more to a specific comment here: "I could understand why she might and I would accept it." I took that to mean that (potentially) the W's reasoning for straying would be acceptable, which is different than just accepting that it happened and moving on.

[WaitingForBardot]

I've read a dictionary as well. I think we're speaking more to a specific comment here: "I could understand why she might and I would accept it." I took that to mean that (potentially) the W's reasoning for straying would be acceptable, which is different than just accepting that it happened and moving on.

No, I did not say or mean to imply that the behavior was acceptable, but rather I would accept that it had happened and move on.

 

It's actually kind of interesting to see how different people read the same comments. Sort of like that childhood game where you whisper something in someone's ear and they whisper what you "said" to the next person and so on. When the final person gets it it typically has no resemblance to the initial statement.

[Sub]

No, I did not say or mean to imply that the behavior was acceptable, but rather I would accept that it had happened and move on.

 

Gotcha. Apologies for misinterpreting.

[Whoknew30]

No, I did not say or mean to imply that the behavior was acceptable, but rather I would accept that it had happened and move on.

 

It's actually kind of interesting to see how different people read the same comments. Sort of like that childhood game where you whisper something in someone's ear and they whisper what you "said" to the next person and so on. When the final person gets it it typically has no resemblance to the initial statement.

 

Perfect explanation...except here you can read the actual words & it still happens!

[WaitingForBardot]

Gotcha. Apologies for misinterpreting.

No worries, I do the same myself sometimes.

[WaitingForBardot]

Perfect explanation...except here you can read the actual words & it still happens!

Exactly! ..lol..

[merrmeade]

I've read a dictionary as well. I think we're speaking more to a specific comment here: "I could understand why she might and I would accept it." I took that to mean that (potentially) the W's reasoning for straying would be acceptable, which is different than just accepting that it happened and moving on.

I agree it's the use of very general terms like understand, accept, that will have different connotations in different contexts. I also think we all create our own context sometimes here.

 

But to add one more element: I know that I had to "understand" his motives, his thinking and the 0Ws' motives and thinking to "understand" how such a thing could happen. That was for me. That did not mean that I was over it, dismissed it or didn't care. It was, however, the beginning of my ability to be less reactive about it. And that is ALL that "understand" means to me in this context.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I've only read the first six pages so I am jumping ahead.

 

I've been following a thread from a male who's wife seems very similar to you. Like you she is from another culture that sounds like yours. Like you she committed adultery. Some key differences, she ended the adultery after husband discovered. They have a long term marriage with several children. The adultery occurred 6 months or so ago. Oh the husband has not commited adultery.

 

Her attitude seems to be exactly like your's. At one point she told him: "how can I regret something I enjoyed". (how very French, eh?) She says she does not want a divorce or an open marriage. But she seems unable to comprehend his pain.

 

What would you say or do if you were her to help and reasure him? Yes they both had issues they needed to fix. He has stated what his are and how he is fixing them. Yes they see a MC and are working with the MC. He just can't understand "how can I regret something I enjoyed" attitude.

[Jersey born raised]

PS I liked your thoughts on condoning vs acceptance. The thrust of my question is how can she communicate that to him, both in words and actions.

[Mr Blunt]

By Whoknew30

Am I the only spouse that doesn't want to know?

My husband & I both had affairs at one point. We got through it & everytings has been fine for years. I've recently ran into my ExAP (he's married now with 2 kids) I enjoyed seeing him, we talked & went on our way. My husband hates him (of course) but he isn't the reason I had the affair & I'll always care about him even though we have NC. My husband has ran into his ExOW also & has told me about it but I didn't want him to. I don't see the point. Am I the only person that thinks this can cause problems?

 

I have not read this whole thread but I will comment on the above.

 

I see no problem with you not wanting to know about an accidental meeting.

 

I DO see a problem with my wife enjoying seeing the man that she rejected and replaced me with.

I also would have a problem with my wife “always caring about him” that is the man that she voluntarily gave to him what should only be mine.

 

I will never give all my love to my wife if she enjoys and cares about the man that she betrayed me with. Apathy is ok but not enjoy and care! If my wife cared and enjoyed the man that she choose to reject me for and replace me with then I would be looking for another woman. I have to be exclusively the only man in the category of such deeply intimate feelings. Enjoying and caring for a man that you choose to betray your husband with means that you are not worthy of exclusive feelings from your husband.

 

That is the way I roll but if you and your husband can roll with your ideas then why should I care? You seem to want our imput so I gave you mine.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whoknew...this is your thread and i want to speak directly to you.

 

You know i had an affair first...then my husband had one 18 months later.

 

Since the day i walked away from the AP...I have had no contact.....I don't search for him on the internet....I have not spoken to him...I have not seen him. Nothing. After my affair...i felt nothing toward him. I did not hate him...I did not care.

 

My husband hated him of course and did not understand why i did not hate him. my husband has kept track of him...occasionally he will tell me that he got fired again or something bad. I think he enjoys his misfortunes...I can understand that.

 

As the years have gone by...as I have matured in our reconciliation....as I have come to understand true remorse and the pain i caused my husband....as I have experienced forgiveness.....my feelings for the other man have changed. I despise that he did not respect us...i despise that he was able to walk away totally unscathed and we will forever carry the scars. I am not placing the blame of what i did on him...that belongs to me....but i now despise him.

 

My husband has never seen his AP either. But i have never hated her. I felt sorry for her in a way...because he used her....just like my ap used me.

 

My point is this...if by some freak thing...either of us now ran into either of these people...i cannot imagine having a conversation of any kind with them...and to be honest i would rather he just not tell me if he saw either one of them. I think speaking to these people could potentially open old wounds....and quite frankly....I would not want to risk ever causing my husband any more pain.

 

There is no one....there is nothing....worth causing john to hurt again.....so i say this to you because i care about you....tread carefully. Even if your husband were to tell you he doesn't care if you talk to the om....my gut tells me...he does. While you may know there is no potential for harm...he knows...that it happened once...and he probably never thought it would happen the first time. So keep his pain in your heart....never forget where you have been...and where you want to get to.

 

I think it could be a potentially dangerous place to talk to or to see an old affair partner....and it is not a risk i would never be willing to take....and if i ever heard john say he would always care for his affair partner....i think i would be so devastated that i would divorce. All of these years of work.....would be lost.

[Mr Blunt]

Great Post MJA!!

I would think you and John’s thinking and actions should be very interesting to those that want to R.

 

 

 

You have over 30 YEARS of R and you and John’s R is one of the best, if not the best, that I have read!

 

 

I am amazed as to how much you understand the male BS!

[Mrs. John Adams]

It took me long enough Mr Blunt... I have learned how to open my heart and open my mind to HEAR what it is John is really saying. He has helped me so much. There are so many wonderful people here that have so many good things to say....and they help me to grow in my understanding.

 

Thank you for your kind words...they mean a lot to us.

[latinmex]

whoknew...this is your thread and i want to speak directly to you.

 

You know i had an affair first...then my husband had one 18 months later.

 

Since the day i walked away from the ap...i have had no contact.....i don't search for him on the internet....i have not spoken to him...i have not seen him. Nothing. After my affair...i felt nothing toward him. I did not hate him...i did not care.

 

My husband hated him of course and did not understand why i did not hate him. My husband has kept track of him...occasionally he will tell me that he got fired again or something bad. I think he enjoys his misfortunes...i can understand that.

 

As the years have gone by...as i have matured in our reconciliation....as i have come to understand true remorse and the pain i caused my husband....as i have experienced forgiveness.....my feelings for the other man have changed. I despise that he did not respect us...i despise that he was able to walk away totally unscathed and we will forever carry the scars. I am not placing the blame of what i did on him...that belongs to me....but i now despise him.

 

My husband has never seen his ap either. But i have never hated her. I felt sorry for her in a way...because he used her....just like my ap used me.

 

My point is this...if by some freak thing...either of us now ran into either of these people...i cannot imagine having a conversation of any kind with them...and to be honest i would rather he just not tell me if he saw either one of them. I think speaking to these people could potentially open old wounds....and quite frankly....i would not want to risk ever causing my husband any more pain.

 

There is no one....there is nothing....worth causing john to hurt again.....so i say this to you because i care about you....tread carefully. Even if your husband were to tell you he doesn't care if you talk to the om....my gut tells me...he does. While you may know there is no potential for harm...he knows...that it happened once...and he probably never thought it would happen the first time. So keep his pain in your heart....never forget where you have been...and where you want to get to.

 

I think it could be a potentially dangerous place to talk to or to see an old affair partner....and it is not a risk i would never be willing to take....and if i ever heard john say he would always care for his affair partner....i think i would be so devastated that i would divorce. All of these years of work.....would be lost.

 

bravo !!! Bravo!!!

 

You are the best

 

AND THAT IS WHY YOU RE HAPPY IN YOUR MARRIAGE

 

YOU ARE THE BEST !!!!!!!!!

Edited December 26, 2015 by latinmex

[Whoknew30]

Whoknew...this is your thread and i want to speak directly to you.

 

You know i had an affair first...then my husband had one 18 months later.

 

Since the day i walked away from the AP...I have had no contact.....I don't search for him on the internet....I have not spoken to him...I have not seen him. Nothing. After my affair...i felt nothing toward him. I did not hate him...I did not care.

 

My husband hated him of course and did not understand why i did not hate him. my husband has kept track of him...occasionally he will tell me that he got fired again or something bad. I think he enjoys his misfortunes...I can understand that.

 

As the years have gone by...as I have matured in our reconciliation....as I have come to understand true remorse and the pain i caused my husband....as I have experienced forgiveness.....my feelings for the other man have changed. I despise that he did not respect us...i despise that he was able to walk away totally unscathed and we will forever carry the scars. I am not placing the blame of what i did on him...that belongs to me....but i now despise him.

 

My husband has never seen his AP either. But i have never hated her. I felt sorry for her in a way...because he used her....just like my ap used me.

 

My point is this...if by some freak thing...either of us now ran into either of these people...i cannot imagine having a conversation of any kind with them...and to be honest i would rather he just not tell me if he saw either one of them. I think speaking to these people could potentially open old wounds....and quite frankly....I would not want to risk ever causing my husband any more pain.

 

There is no one....there is nothing....worth causing john to hurt again.....so i say this to you because i care about you....tread carefully. Even if your husband were to tell you he doesn't care if you talk to the om....my gut tells me...he does. While you may know there is no potential for harm...he knows...that it happened once...and he probably never thought it would happen the first time. So keep his pain in your heart....never forget where you have been...and where you want to get to.

 

I think it could be a potentially dangerous place to talk to or to see an old affair partner....and it is not a risk i would never be willing to take....and if i ever heard john say he would always care for his affair partner....i think i would be so devastated that i would divorce. All of these years of work.....would be lost.

 

 

The things my H & I went through right from the start of our marriage was things that the most couples a life time to go through. With in one year, we had a baby, I almost died & my illness (public forum don't want to get spefic) bankrupt us all why I as still a teenager. He was also extremely young. He was my first BF the only man I had bed with. He didn't handle it well. The wa handled hurt me in a way, one can never understand. I now understand how young he was & the pressure he was under but at that time I felt lowest I've ever felt. I tries everything & he simply (to me) didn't care. I ate a lot of things & he lost my trust worse than if it had been an A. You marry for sickness & in health & he disappeared. We lived together but he was so cold & mean, never home, wouldn't talk to me, this lasted 4 years. I finally recovered & I still tried...priests, therapist, our parents, nothing.

 

One day I ran into a guy & we just got it off. My A didn't start with sex (months went by & we just connected, it did eventually lead to it being physical. I got closer & closer with him & i cared for him very much. I told him I didn't think my marriage was going to last (that's when he broke up with his gf) then one day I told my H, I have slept with someone else & I very much care about him, I want a marriage with you but I'm done right now. Either we really work on this or it's over. I never thought he was going to want to R, I thought we were past it. When he said he really wanted to work on it, I said ok & then a month later found out about his A. We chose to stay & I do love my H very much.

 

Since the last phone call to OM 6 years ago, I never looked for him. I changed my phone number & blocked him from all social media. When I saw him in the store, I felt bad. He loved me & now I know he did & I sucked him into my crappie situation. He was a good guy that just ended up caring for the wrong woman. I can't ever be mad at him or hate him. He was there for me at a time when I was so lost & felt so bad. I will not have any more contact with him & will still stay blocked. I never lied to my H about how I felt. He treated me badly & he says he can see how it happened. I won't ever cheat on him again, I love him & am happy. I hurt OM too & I feel bad about that bc he didn't use me for just sex, he tried to talk me out of it (the first time) not the other 4. He was really wanting a life with me thinking my marriage was over & I thought it was. I've not lies about any of this.

 

So that's why, I'm being honest. If my H talked to OW I wouldn't be upset bc I know he he doesn't want her like that, just as I don't want him like that. Caring doesn't equal, "I love him".

[ShatteredLady]

MJA. Can I ask a question?

 

You & John clearly have a great ability to communicate.

 

I come from parents who say things like "The only things that we haven't said/shared with each other are the things that haven't crossed our minds!". They still spend most of their day sitting in the kitchen talking about everything & anything. After a lifetime they still haven't run out of things to talk about or new ways to perceive them.

 

I'm a talker. I'm an analyzer. I'm a dreamer. My H isn't a talker.

 

Did the 2 of you talk openly about everything & anything before the A's? Have you always BOTH been talkers & thinkers. Is it something that grown with life & experience?

 

I think it makes all the difference in life, in so many ways.

 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS :-)

[Mrs. John Adams]

Latinmex....We have made huge mistakes...but we are committed to each other and to our marriage....and we never take what we have for granted.

 

Whoknew....I agree caring does not equal in love....but caring means compassion...caring insinuates emotion....i am not being critical....I am just warning you to be careful. You have come so far....We too were very young...I was 17 when we married. John was the only man i dated. SO i do understand where you are coming from....except....our marriage was never terrible....and I never dreamed i would ever be capable of committing adultery....no one was more surprised then me.

 

SL....I am a talker....john is very quiet. If i did not start the conversation...there would be none. It has been this way from our beginning. It was one of the reasons John fell in love with me...because i was easy to talk to.

I am also the positive one....John is a realist. I am a dreamer...John is analytical.

John and i have always talked about everything.....however...we are much better communicators now than we used to be...because a big part of communicating is also LISTENING.

 

 

Happy Christmas to you SL...I think of you and pray for you often.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[Whoknew30]

Latinmex....We have made huge mistakes...but we are committed to each other and to our marriage....and we never take what we have for granted.

 

Whoknew....I agree caring does not equal in love....but caring means compassion...caring insinuates emotion....i am not being critical....I am just warning you to be careful. You have come so far....We too were very young...I was 17 when we married. John was the only man i dated. SO i do understand where you are coming from....except....our marriage was never terrible....and I never dreamed i would ever be capable of committing adultery....no one was more surprised then me.

 

SL....I am a talker....john is very quiet. If i did not start the conversation...there would be none. It has been this way from our beginning. It was one of the reasons John fell in love with me...because i was easy to talk to.

I am also the positive one....John is a realist. I am a dreamer...John is analytical.

John and i have always talked about everything.....however...we are much better communicators now than we used to be...because a big part of communicating is also LISTENING.

 

 

Happy Christmas to you SL...I think of you and pray for you often.

 

 

We were close to the same age. I'm sure at that time, you guy's didn't go through the same extremes that we did. I personally haven't met a couple that has, at that age.

 

Now, years later of course it would be different. A's aren't the only way to break trust, mine was crushed. I can honestly say, I tried everything before I met OM & I didn't look or plan for him.

 

Yes, I did feel a little compassion, only bc this wasn't a man that neverused me for sex. He thought my marriage was done (as i did) & he did the right thing (he thought) & broke up with his gf. He never meant me harm & he didn't take advantage. I hurt him too. Compassion doesn't mean I want him anymore, it just brought it all back for a minute. I'm happy about working it out with my H & would never change it. In fact my parents tonight said, they didn't see us making it & are happy we did. After all this time, we're who & what we wanted to be.

[fellini]

WhoKnew.

 

The details of your story compel me to wonder if when we say all infidelities are different, we can also say, the conditions in which infidelity occurs matters.

 

From what I can gather in your post, your relationship gelled, and then suffered a horrible blow in it's very early stages, not after a long healthy period of "unconditional" love and slow growing attachments that many have even prior to childrearing.

 

In my case, it was more the opposite, and I think the details change the playing field significantly. For one, we were happily married for 17 years. Any down phase in the marriage occurred and recovered prior to our daughter being born. ie we didnt sweep our marriage under the rug through our child.

 

My WW's affair developed slowly, very slowly over almost 2 year period with a co-worker she pretty much hid from me for more than a year. Later they went PA and within six weeks I discovered something was up. But it was clearly never going to end if I hadn't innocently used her ipad one day, and she hadn't innocently closed it improperly leaving a website there.

 

So after DDAY we decided to give it a go, but the short story is she was clearly in love with her AP, she was not with him because of neglect on my part, I was all there, she slowly moved out of our marriage and into his world. He was a single man, did not give up a GF to be with her, and was clearly grooming her for himself, knowing our marriage was not anywhere near "nearly over", and that we had an 8 year old daughter we both loved. (My wife it seems somehow less than life itself as she was prepared to hurt her to no end to have this affair) Some people go into affairs EYES WIDE OPEN, as it seems you did. Others, like my WW, go in compartmentalising enough to stay in it without thinking through the consequences short or long term.

 

I do hate the OM, to the extent that they are both employees of the same institution and cannot just leave and go flip hamburgers in another fast food chain. They are going to have to work together until they both retire. They are going to see each other on a weekly or monthly basis, they share the same social network, although this requires my WW to exclude herself from many social activities she would normally have. Her closest colleagues remain "drinking buddies" of her AP. And he, once again a single divorce exBH, plays the victim card with those who know about what happened.

I despise him EXACTLY as MJA despises her AP precisely because he took such a risk trying to destroy our marriage which he had to know would end badly for him. For what he did to our marriage I despise him because he knew from experience that this would be the result. The only thing he was shooting for was that our marriage would be so devastated by their actions that he would end up with my wife just as his own exWW ended up with her AP.

 

As to NC, I, like you, do not believe that my WW would want anything with this man that she had in the past. But the context and conditions for her having lost complete sight of our marriage over a slow and long process and without her eyes open as yours were, makes me think that the conclusion one can make really does depend on the circumstances and motives for the infidelity and the entire timeline of the marriage.

[road]

We were close to the same age. I'm sure at that time, you guy's didn't go through the same extremes that we did. I personally haven't met a couple that has, at that age.

 

Now, years later of course it would be different. A's aren't the only way to break trust, mine was crushed. I can honestly say, I tried everything before I met OM & I didn't look or plan for him.

 

Yes, I did feel a little compassion, only bc this wasn't a man that neverused me for sex. He thought my marriage was done (as i did) & he did the right thing (he thought) & broke up with his gf. He never meant me harm & he didn't take advantage. I hurt him too. Compassion doesn't mean I want him anymore, it just brought it all back for a minute. I'm happy about working it out with my H & would never change it. In fact my parents tonight said, they didn't see us making it & are happy we did. After all this time, we're who & what we wanted to be.

 

 

 

 

Notice he did not dumb his GF until he had her replacement lined up. That is not the way an honorable man acts.

 

 

A man that is not happy ends the relationship before he gets a replacement.

 

 

A sneaking, lying, low life, cheating POS, puts the wagon in front of the horse.

[road]

The things my H & I went through right from the start of our marriage was things that the most couples a life time to go through. With in one year, we had a baby, I almost died & my illness (public forum don't want to get spefic) bankrupt us all why I as still a teenager. He was also extremely young. He was my first BF the only man I had bed with. He didn't handle it well. The wa handled hurt me in a way, one can never understand. I now understand how young he was & the pressure he was under but at that time I felt lowest I've ever felt. I tries everything & he simply (to me) didn't care. I ate a lot of things & he lost my trust worse than if it had been an A. You marry for sickness & in health & he disappeared. We lived together but he was so cold & mean, never home, wouldn't talk to me, this lasted 4 years. I finally recovered & I still tried...priests, therapist, our parents, nothing.

 

One day I ran into a guy & we just got it off. My A didn't start with sex (months went by & we just connected, it did eventually lead to it being physical. I got closer & closer with him & i cared for him very much. I told him I didn't think my marriage was going to last (that's when he broke up with his gf) then one day I told my H, I have slept with someone else & I very much care about him, I want a marriage with you but I'm done right now. Either we really work on this or it's over. I never thought he was going to want to R, I thought we were past it. When he said he really wanted to work on it, I said ok & then a month later found out about his A. We chose to stay & I do love my H very much.

 

Since the last phone call to OM 6 years ago, I never looked for him. I changed my phone number & blocked him from all social media. When I saw him in the store, I felt bad. He loved me & now I know he did & I sucked him into my crappie situation. He was a good guy that just ended up caring for the wrong woman. I can't ever be mad at him or hate him. He was there for me at a time when I was so lost & felt so bad. I will not have any more contact with him & will still stay blocked. I never lied to my H about how I felt. He treated me badly & he says he can see how it happened. I won't ever cheat on him again, I love him & am happy. I hurt OM too & I feel bad about that bc he didn't use me for just sex, he tried to talk me out of it (the first time) not the other 4. He was really wanting a life with me thinking my marriage was over & I thought it was. I've not lies about any of this.

 

So that's why, I'm being honest. If my H talked to OW I wouldn't be upset bc I know he he doesn't want her like that, just as I don't want him like that. Caring doesn't equal, "I love him".

 

 

Many affairs start as EA's. That is the number 1 plan from the OM play book. Use the I just want to be your friend for that is a highly effective way for the WW to drop her panties.

 

 

Good men do not have EA's or PA's with married women. Good men maintain boundaries to prevent EA's and PA's.

[road]

WhoKnew.

 

The details of your story compel me to wonder if when we say all infidelities are different, we can also say, the conditions in which infidelity occurs matters.

 

From what I can gather in your post, your relationship gelled, and then suffered a horrible blow in it's very early stages, not after a long healthy period of "unconditional" love and slow growing attachments that many have even prior to childrearing.

 

In my case, it was more the opposite, and I think the details change the playing field significantly. For one, we were happily married for 17 years. Any down phase in the marriage occurred and recovered prior to our daughter being born. ie we didnt sweep our marriage under the rug through our child.

 

My WW's affair developed slowly, very slowly over almost 2 year period with a co-worker she pretty much hid from me for more than a year. Later they went PA and within six weeks I discovered something was up. But it was clearly never going to end if I hadn't innocently used her ipad one day, and she hadn't innocently closed it improperly leaving a website there.

 

So after DDAY we decided to give it a go, but the short story is she was clearly in love with her AP, she was not with him because of neglect on my part, I was all there, she slowly moved out of our marriage and into his world. He was a single man, did not give up a GF to be with her, and was clearly grooming her for himself, knowing our marriage was not anywhere near "nearly over", and that we had an 8 year old daughter we both loved. (My wife it seems somehow less than life itself as she was prepared to hurt her to no end to have this affair) Some people go into affairs EYES WIDE OPEN, as it seems you did. Others, like my WW, go in compartmentalising enough to stay in it without thinking through the consequences short or long term.

 

I do hate the OM, to the extent that they are both employees of the same institution and cannot just leave and go flip hamburgers in another fast food chain. They are going to have to work together until they both retire. They are going to see each other on a weekly or monthly basis, they share the same social network, although this requires my WW to exclude herself from many social activities she would normally have. Her closest colleagues remain "drinking buddies" of her AP. And he, once again a single divorce exBH, plays the victim card with those who know about what happened.

I despise him EXACTLY as MJA despises her AP precisely because he took such a risk trying to destroy our marriage which he had to know would end badly for him. For what he did to our marriage I despise him because he knew from experience that this would be the result. The only thing he was shooting for was that our marriage would be so devastated by their actions that he would end up with my wife just as his own exWW ended up with her AP.

 

As to NC, I, like you, do not believe that my WW would want anything with this man that she had in the past. But the context and conditions for her having lost complete sight of our marriage over a slow and long process and without her eyes open as yours were, makes me think that the conclusion one can make really does depend on the circumstances and motives for the infidelity and the entire timeline of the marriage.

 

 

 

 

I do not know how you can let your WW still have contact with her OM. A BH can never know what is going on at the work place. Left wondering and worrying about continued contact is not a healthy way to live. Specially when continued contact has caused many affairs to restart.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We were close to the same age. I'm sure at that time, you guy's didn't go through the same extremes that we did. I personally haven't met a couple that has, at that age.

 

Now, years later of course it would be different. A's aren't the only way to break trust, mine was crushed. I can honestly say, I tried everything before I met OM & I didn't look or plan for him.

 

Yes, I did feel a little compassion, only bc this wasn't a man that neverused me for sex. He thought my marriage was done (as i did) & he did the right thing (he thought) & broke up with his gf. He never meant me harm & he didn't take advantage. I hurt him too. Compassion doesn't mean I want him anymore, it just brought it all back for a minute. I'm happy about working it out with my H & would never change it. In fact my parents tonight said, they didn't see us making it & are happy we did. After all this time, we're who & what we wanted to be.

 

You are right...we did not experience the trauma you have described.....though we like everyone else had plenty of our own "stuff".

 

I give you much deserved praise for making it to where you are. Obviously...you have done it right for the two of you. I hope you continue to grow and prosper in your relationship.....

 

My post to you was just one of caution.....and if you are in complete control of the situation....then you know best and i would not argue with that.

 

But I will make this observation.....not necessarily directed at you....people come to forums for many reasons. When I first came....I was still searching for some answers to complete remorse and forgiveness. I never started any threads asking questions...I did a lot of reading and participated on threads to get my answers.

 

When people are still searching for something...it is because they still don't have the answer. You started this thread...and it is a question. You asked for opinions. Now you may have done that simply because you wanted conversation....and i get that....but I think you you did it because you are sorting through something. Lots of good people have given their opinions.

You can totally ignore what the folks here have shared with you...or you can ponder what they have said and apply it if to your situation if you think it is applicable.

 

You are a fighter Whoknew....i love your tenacity and spunk......your husband is a lucky man.

[Mr Blunt]

Whoknew30, you had a horrible first few years with your husband. It was so horrible that I can almost accept your EA but I just cannot go that far. You are a good example why a spouse should NOT get involved with any other opposite sex person before they finalize the ending of relationship with the husband or wife. I have heard stories similar to yours before and that is why it is so very important to not be so foolish or allow yourself to rationalize and assume your relationship is over until you FINALIZE it!!!

 

 

You both have caused permanent damage in the relationship but you can still have a good marriage IMO.

 

 

By Whoknew30

Caring doesn't equal, "I love him"

.

Your honesty is to be admired but if your husband is like me then he will never accept that and will not be able to give you 100% of his love IMO. Maybe your husband is different and can accept that you care about the man that you choose to reject and replace your husband with. I hope so for your sake. I also hope that you take into consideration that he may be like me so that you do not have false hopes. If you cannot change caring for the OM then maybe never bring that up to your husband may be less harmful to him. Maybe that is the best alternative since you cannot change the truth. Some things are best not said; they just are way too hurtful for some people.

 

 

According to your posts you two have really overcome a LOT!!!

CONGRADULATIONS!

[fellini]

I do not know how you can let your WW still have contact with her OM. A BH can never know what is going on at the work place. Left wondering and worrying about continued contact is not a healthy way to live. Specially when continued contact has caused many affairs to restart.

 

Well, first of all, I don't "own" my wife, so I am in no position to tell her what she can or cannot do. Nor do I wish to. She knows if she has any contact WITH her exAP, that we are done. That they work in the same building does not mean she has contact with her AP. What it does is prove to me she has no interest in him because she is able to maintain NC - no contact, no communication, no connections with him in spite of working in the same building. He becomes like any of the other hundred or so professors who also work in the building and in which she is also indifferent to.

 

Naturally during the first two weeks after DDAY I took all kinds of other precautions. Then slowly but surely left her to self-monitor her working and change her daily routines and social groups in order to maintain NC. Later still, 3 close colleagues were informed about the affair in order to get them to understand that NC was in place and to have them support this by not bringing him into their space innocently thinking that they were still friends.

 

In fact this arrangement helps me to build trust that their not being within 10KMs of each other would not. I might have spent the rest of my days wondering if NC was merely because they couldn't see each other. Now I know that she has no desire to, and conducts herself accordingly. This helps me to know I made the right decision to reconcile. Of course had they been colleagues who literally shared an office space in such a way that they would be in each other's space 8 hours a day, five days a week, year after year, I would have asked her to leave or end our marriage. I'm sure like many WS's here, she would also have chosen to leave her job.