My Gf talks to another guy about things she thinks important, but she doesnt to me

[Spooky-Vision]

My girlfirend for eighteen months and I have always had a small problem with communicating, but recently it has been getting worse. I find that she won't talk to me about how she is really feeling, or what is going through her mind anymore. I have been quite depressive over the last few months, but have always tried to talk to her about everything, and she listens, but never tells me what's on her mind. When i ask her why she does this, she simply says that I have too many worries myself.

 

 

Recently, we haven't seen each other as much as we used to, (we live quite a way apart) and she keeps telling me that she is working more. I have really tried to do things with her, but she seems less and less interested. She has always had male friends, but has recently been seeing a particular one more often.

 

 

I trust her, and I know she loves me, but I feel unreasonably jealous of her friend (who I have never met, she thought we wouldnt get on) and the friend sends flirty text messages to her phone, and she tells me that she is very close to him, by saying she 'loves him to bits'. She tells me that he is easy to talk to, and that she tells him all about her worries and troubles. She also told me that the friend recently told her that he loves her.

 

 

Today, she told me that he is more of a friend than I am at the moment, but that she is not interested in him sexually and that she really loves me, however she did say that if she weren't seeing me, she would consider it (sounds weird to me). I felt so hurt that i collapsed and cried on the floor, and i Ground my teeth so hard i made my gums bleed and chipped a tooth. She cried and said that she never wanted to hurt me, and that I was more important to her, but that he was a better friend. We made up and apologised to each other, and we both agreed to tell each other our emotional worries in the future, and she went back to her house.

 

 

Tonight I couldnt sleep at all, and all i could think of was her with someone else. I feel like I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what. I've put everything i have into this relationship, all the energy i have. It feels like ive been cut out of her life, I can't concentrate on anything and I feel completely isolated from everyone.

 

 

I still don't know what to do, I love her so much, and I find myself hating the friend and wishing to kill him (even though I know it wouldn't help), it's driving me crazy, and I think it's driving her crazy too.

 

 

Please help me, I don't know what to do.

[nicki]

hey, spooky, you are not being unreasonable. I'd say your instincts are right on target. This guy is bad news. He obviously wants your girlfriend for himself. I would guess that she is either already cheating with him, OR she could be using jealousy to get you to give her more and make her feel like this guy does. That's what it sounds like to me.

 

So, assuming that, the good news is that she most likely considers him a just a "friend." whew.

Guess what? Most of us women want the guy we are sleeping with to also be our best friend. That makes us feel safe, loved, listened to. Important stuff. Makes us feel special.

 

She says he is a better friend to her than you? I'd ask her in what ways, then give her what she wants...ie, listening more, asking her about her day, keeping your complaints about your own worries to a minimum...

 

Then take her out, buddy, and fast. Show her a wonderful time. Be confident, funny, and all those other things she liked about you initially. Look and smell good. Exude charm. Be affectionate at times, like holding her hand when you cross the street. Focus on her like a laser beam. Compliment her. Not all the time, just sincerely attentive and noticing her.

 

Later in the night, pull back a little, be nice, but stop the attention for a few minutes. See if she touches your arm, or tries to engage you...that's how you can tell if a woman wants you....kiss her passionately good night if you get all the right signals from her. Otherwise, give her a close hug...that might make her wonder why you didn't try to kiss her...i know sounds like a game, and it is...and you want to get back into it...

 

I might even casually mention a girl pal of my own. Don't elaborate though, just a passing comment like "yeah, my friend Stacy really likes that perfume, book, movie, etc." Jealousy works both ways.

 

I think it's a good sign that she is telling you about this guy instead of keeping him secret. Secrecy would be a red flag for cheating. But again, if she isn't getting what she wants from you, she could be sizing him up as future boyfriend material...I think she wants you though and she's trying to tell you what she wants you do!

 

Good luck

[amerikajin]

Your problem is that your girlfriend likes you, but she doesn't respect you - at least not in the romantic sense. She doesn't see you as her equal, romantically speaking. She sees you as needy and insecure, and that's just not very attractive to a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to use this opportunity to insult you, because I and a lot of other guys have had the same problem at one time or another. But that's the bottom line here: in her eyes, you're a weakling. Unless you change your approach, you're headed for a breakup pretty soon.

 

My girlfirend for eighteen months and I have always had a small problem with communicating, but recently it has been getting worse. I find that she won't talk to me about how she is really feeling, or what is going through her mind anymore. I have been quite depressive over the last few months, but have always tried to talk to her about everything, and she listens, but never tells me what's on her mind. When i ask her why she does this, she simply says that I have too many worries myself.

 

Communication is indeed necessary in a relationship, but be careful about telling a woman about your feelings. The reality is, a girl doesn't always want to know all of your fears and insecurities. All of this modern-age psychobabble about how women want more sensitive men? It's bulls*** - ignore it. Tell your buddies your insecurities and so forth, tell your family, tell a therapist, but don't constantly tell your lover. The man is supposed to be stronger one in the relationship - not very p.c., but that's the way it is, jack.

 

Recently, we haven't seen each other as much as we used to, (we live quite a way apart) and she keeps telling me that she is working more. I have really tried to do things with her, but she seems less and less interested. She has always had male friends, but has recently been seeing a particular one more often.

 

Bad sign, man. This is going to sound counterintuitive, and you will have a hard time doing this, but what you need to do is to give her some space. Disappear. Stop calling for a week or two. No contact. In a relationship, the woman's the gatekeeper, so you have to kinda let her decide what she wants and let her come back to you slowly.

 

I trust her, and I know she loves me, but I feel unreasonably jealous of her friend (who I have never met, she thought we wouldnt get on) and the friend sends flirty text messages to her phone, and she tells me that she is very close to him, by saying she 'loves him to bits'. She tells me that he is easy to talk to, and that she tells him all about her worries and troubles. She also told me that the friend recently told her that he loves her.

 

Well, the good news is that as long as he's doing that, you won't have to worry too much about her friend taking your place. He's making the same mistakes you are, and my guess is that she's enjoying her little power trip, watching two lovesick fools trip all over themselves for her attention. I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd pull back a little bit, act more like a man, and let her sort her crap out - and my actions and words would be consistent to that end.

 

Today, she told me that he is more of a friend than I am at the moment, but that she is not interested in him sexually and that she really loves me, however she did say that if she weren't seeing me, she would consider it (sounds weird to me). I felt so hurt that i collapsed and cried on the floor, and i Ground my teeth so hard i made my gums bleed and chipped a tooth. She cried and said that she never wanted to hurt me, and that I was more important to her, but that he was a better friend. We made up and apologised to each other, and we both agreed to tell each other our emotional worries in the future, and she went back to her house.

 

Dude, go back to what I said before. DON'T bother telling her your emotional worries - it's one of the biggest mistakes you'll make. The last thing a woman wants is a boyfriend who's worried all the time. She wants to have fun, and if you're swapping phobias she ain't gonna have no fun, is she? I've got a better idea. Instead of asking her what her fears are, asking her what her desires are. Ask her what makes her happy. Ask her what part of the world she'd really love to travel to, and why. Ask her what kinds of experiences she'd like to have before she dies. Focus on the positive, not the negative....and don't ever let her see you wailing in front of her like that again - not until you're married anyway.

 

Tonight I couldnt sleep at all, and all i could think of was her with someone else. I feel like I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what. I've put everything i have into this relationship, all the energy i have. It feels like ive been cut out of her life, I can't concentrate on anything and I feel completely isolated from everyone.

 

Sometimes you can try too hard in a relationship. Pull back a little and see what happens. If she doesn't respond to the things I've mentioned here, then it's just too late - you already lost her. But if she has any interest in you, she'll respond.

[Sal Paradise]

Tell her the guy goes or you do. Pretty simple really.