Self-esteem and negative self-talk after mental abuse

[LuckyLady13]

I'd like to open a dialog about this subject. It was brought up in another thread but I'd like to hear from people who have experienced this and also, tips and ways to cope with the problem. Stories about similar experiences are welcome.

 

Mental abuse can and usually does create low self-esteem but there are many instances when the abused doesn't even realize where their negative self-talk has actually come from. Sometimes it takes years before the abused finds out either through counseling or eventually realization on their own.

 

I'm a fully grown adult and have been for a long time now and yet, I catch myself still reacting to abuse from my teenage years by my mother. I was 107 lbs and both my parents were trying to convince me I was "fat" and "lazy". I lost weight to the point that I was anorexic (ate only crackers and lettuce for 2 weeks and lost my memory) to the point the ribs in my back were sticking out. I had body dysmorphic disorder, thanks to the mental abuse. I still thought I was "fat". However, upon losing so much weight, my mother got jealous (believe it or not) and then told me I look like a sl*t.

 

To this day, I may dress very, very well some days but I dress so conservatively that it's as if I stepped out of the 1950's. I'm still afraid to look like...what my mother accused me of.

 

I've also caught myself convinced that it's my own idea I'm either fat, lazy or both to this day when I look in the mirror. And I'm terrified to appear this way to people to the point of experiencing anxiety over it.

 

Another example is actually from my sister, not me. Something I've observed with her over the years. One of our parents favorite questions to scream at us was "are you an idiot?!" over something simple like dropping something on the floor accidentally. I have witnessed for years that my sister will do something small accidentally like leave her keys in her car, drop something on the floor or maybe forget to bring her shoes downstairs and have to go back up to get them. When she makes a small mistake, she stops dead in her tracks, closes her eyes and smacks herself in the head and says out loud "oh, you idiot!".

 

It's heartbreaking to witness your little sister having your abusive parents words come out of her mouth. Their hurtful words became her thoughts about herself.

 

My parents were physically abusive (quite severely), however, I'm living proof of what they say: the scars of mental abuse last much longer and cut deeper than physical abuse.

 

I'd rather be beaten for the next six months than endure the mental abuse for one day ever again. The scars of mental abuse take much longer to heal.

 

I've had therapy by someone who specializes in abuse who opened my eyes to how a lot of thoughts in my head about myself weren't my own words, they were my parents! I still catch myself thinking the things they were saying to and about me. Being aware of it is a big first step to stopping it. I'm glad I recognize it now when it happens.

 

Anyone relate? Stories to share? Tips on how to overcome the negative self-talk and self-esteem issues? I'd love to hear it!

[truthtripper]

Hi LuckyLady,

 

Yes, I can totally relate. I developed anorexia and bulimia when I was 13. I was a chubby child and my family bullied me for it. Then when I lost all the weight, they were bullying me for not eating and causing problems for my parents. They taunted me with verbal abuse, calling me "ugly" and "hideous" etc. When I started developing breasts, they began to comment on them and my grandfather couldn't keep his hands off me. I began to bind my breasts. I got a wide strip of material from my mother's sewing basket, sewed the ends together to make a band which I then placed around my chest. This worked well in flattening my breasts. But the abuse and bullying continued despite my efforts.

 

 

Many people say that we must "move on" and not "dwell in the past". But it is my memories of the past that remind me that all my negative self-talk is caused by my psychopathic family. My memories of the mental torture I had to endure, release me from this self-negativity. I did nothing wrong. It was all the cause of my family.

[Tayla]

The lesser of two evils,

 

.... is still evil. That path need not be a chosen one.

 

 

So sorry about how adults treated you during the impressionable years. The victim does become the tormentor... Its the cycle with victims graduating to perpetrator, they sense they deserve it after all their trauma... pass it on , and they do.

 

Counseling , cognitive therapy, meditation and yes sometimes... medication to subside the emotional and mental trauma.

 

Which one of these work? all of them... the person needs to be willing to put forth the efforts...

[truthtripper]

.... The victim does become the tormentor... Its the cycle with victims graduating to perpetrator.....

It's those who are in denial about their own childhood abuse, or who are simply not consciously aware of it, who become the perpetrators-those who haven't faced or acknowledged their past traumas.

 

Developing insight into the causes of negative self-talk, which ultimately stems from childhood abuse, being able to see the connections between the present and the past, is the only avenue through which to heal-developing self-understanding and self-awareness. This can't be achieved by "putting away" the past.

[LuckyLady13]

Truthtripper, you really do relate to what I said. It's tough how we carry this stuff with us years later and notice how it effects our lives and subconscious thought.

 

How do you feel now about yourself? And how do you dress compared to back then? Have you overcome it completely or partly or do you still struggle with it?

 

And you're right. You did nothing wrong. You never deserved to be treated the way you were. Me either. My parents had me convinced I was a criminal by the time I was 9. And deserved the things they were doing because of my horribly criminal behavior.

 

Even today I struggle at times with understanding in a healthy way the things I do deserve in a positive way. I run my own business and have for 8 years now. I catch myself some days thinking that I don't deserve this. I have a really nice pool and have days I feel like, despite all the work to have it and keep it clean, I just don't deserve this good of a life. There are days I still feel like that undeserving criminal child my parents convinced me I was.

 

Being aware of where these thoughts and feelings come from is a huge step to stopping them.

 

I work so hard I have actually worked 22 hour days. I worked for what I have. I absolutely deserve the things I have. It's amazing there are days I have doubt in myself.

 

One thing I have noticed is I'm an incredibly strong person. I can be a work horse and work grueling hours that would break a person. I'm quick on my feet and the first to have the guts to stand up to a bully or someone abusing a child or adult. I'm glad I'm a very strong person. I do wish I gained all this strength another way, though. This is never the way to become strong.

 

Another strength I've noticed is I'm not someone who can be easily manipulated and see through people as if they're as transparent as very clean glass.

 

To Tayla, I have experienced the medication side to numb down my emotions to be able to see things in a plain and logical manner which was eye-opening. It didn't make what I did possible but it made it easier and I decided for myself that I suffered enough, there was no sense going about things the hard way, right? Trying medication, even temporarily, isn't for everybody. It's just a temporary thing I decided to use as a tool to move forward more quickly and easily.

[truthtripper]

I used to go to a support group for people abused in childhood. Some of them would say about themselves, "my past doesn't make me the person I am now" and I'd wonder if that is really so, then why do they attend the group in the first place? They are hurting, so the people they are now, are still affected. You ask me, how I feel about myself now-my abuse will affect me till the day I die. I will always be vigilant and self-protective and will always be suspecting and non-trusting of the world around me. This is the impact my abuse has had on me, ie-cause and effect. You see, I have also been abused by school teachers who made negative comments about my weight and was sexually abused by a doctor when I was 15. My cousin who lived with my grandparents, also sexually abused me. I have been betrayed in my childhood over and over again.

 

Luckily I've managed to overcome the eating disorders and don't worry about hiding myself anymore. But if I ever happen to bump into any family members, they'll gape at my body and what I'm wearing-I hate them!

 

I am a strong person in the sense that I am not afraid to face my past. I find that many people want to put their pasts behind them, thinking that their problems will somehow magically disappear on their own. I'm not into the idea of forgiveness. Some therapists have told me it's about forgiving oneself. I really don't understand this, as it implies that we are somehow at fault. How ridiculous.

 

You deserve all you've got and more, LuckyLady. Don't ever let your parents make you feel guilty. What a great achievement running your own business!

[truthtripper]

.... I have experienced the medication side to numb down my emotions to be able to see things in a plain and logical manner which was eye-opening. It didn't make what I did possible but it made it easier and I decided for myself that I suffered enough, there was no sense going about things the hard way, right? Trying medication, even temporarily, isn't for everybody. It's just a temporary thing I decided to use as a tool to move forward more quickly and easily.

Last year I was having a lot of trouble with sleep. I took a small dose(5mg) of valium each night for about 2 months. Luckily, my tolerance developed slowly, for me to be able to take it for so long. I didn't become addicted to it at all and was able to sleep normally(usually I take something herbal) again when I stopped taking it. I have tried antidepressants several times, but they give me annoying side effects. A few therapists that I've seen, have actually discouraged me to take them, as they notice in their clients a kind of numbness to emotions, when they are on them, which can fog their reality.

[CTRL C]

I don't have any tips as I'm still figuring it out for myself, but negative self image and self talk have been big issues for me for a number of years now. I've always felt... lesser, nothing special, and it really manifests when someone gives me a compliment or affirmation, I catch myself dismissing or being self deprecating in response.

 

My very recent ex was very skilled at turning his problems around to be my fault. He called me names? I should not have been acting like what he called me. He had a bad habit of needing to control the situation and would block the doorway so that I could not leave while he "explained" everything I had just messed up. And, since he was quite literally twice my weight and over 12 inches taller than I, there was nothing to do but take it. Arguing made the whole thing last longer. A couple of times it didn't end until I was on the floor, in tears and hyperventilating. I learned to just agree with his twisted ideas and apologize for my perceived transgressions... and somehow I started believing his views, which I guess is why I didn't leave. Always trying to fix "my" problems.

 

The final straw was actually not a fight. It was his perceived concern of "something being wrong with me". I've always been intelligent - as in, as a child always tested in the top 1 or 2%, studying calculus at age 15, now a structural engineer. To me it's just a talent, everyone has talents; but there's always those few who seem to visibly change the moment they discover how "smart" I am (note that in typing that I'm trying desperately to not start up the dismissiveness again, but also trying not to sound full of myself!)

 

Anyways, it's something I've always been sensitive to. So when he started to allude that our arguments were due to "my inability to communicate with 'normal' people", that "people like you sometimes just have trouble", and I really started to wonder if I needed tested for autism or something... I snapped. I just couldn't handle it and didn't want to try anymore. It took another couple, miserable weeks to convince myself that yes, it's okay to leave because *I* want to, even if he didn't want me to.

 

Intense exercise, lots of family time, and trying to celebrate my strengths rather than hidd them have all been helpful. It's still a process that I'm nowhere near finishing, but... it's something. Can't expect to rebuild Rome in a few months, right?

[truthtripper]

It's still a process that I'm nowhere near finishing, but... it's something. Can't expect to rebuild Rome in a few months, right?

Yes, too many people think they can heal from such emotional traumas in a few weeks or months. I don't believe medication speeds up healing, rather it helps us put away our pain to a certain degree to get on with life, so to speak. This doesn't really allow us to delve into ourselves on deep levels, so I view medication as more of a hinderance than anything else, depending on how long it's taken for.

[LuckyLady13]

've always felt... lesser, nothing special, and it really manifests when someone gives me a compliment or affirmation, I catch myself dismissing or being self deprecating in response.

 

CTRL C, first of all, let me say your boyfriend was way off the mark. You communicate with 'normal' people just fine.

 

Dismissing compliments or positive affirmations is trademark of a mentally abused person whose self-esteem has suffered. It has a side-effect, though, that concerns me greatly.

 

When you don't think you really deserve compliments from people, you're not realizing your full potential which, in turn, holds you back from trying and succeeding at a lot of things you're most likely perfectly capable of doing and possibly excelling at.

 

One great tip (that I forget too often) is to be your own best friend. Step outside yourself and think "what would I say to me if I were my best friend?".

 

When I was lounging around in the pool over the summer, I had to think to myself "you worked for this so stop feeling guilty". Nobody knew I felt guilty because I didn't tell anyone what I was thinking and how I felt about where I was. I wasn't enjoying myself and felt almost like I stole the pool from some better, more deserving person and I should feel ashamed of myself.

 

Where did the guilt come from? My mother. For years she drilled into my head, well into adulthood, that I didn't deserve a job, a boyfriend or husband and absolutely no material objects like clothes or shoes. Her reasoning? It was my fault she married my father instead of her ex-boyfriend who was so much better than my dad. My fault she didn't go to college and my fault she didn't have a lot of spending money because she was spending it on me when I was a child. All of these decisions she made right before I was born. She told me anyway "it's your fault!" and even though I knew it wasn't, the feeling of shame and guilt seeped into my head anyway. Then she blamed me for feeling guilty!

 

I had to get a job behind my mothers back about 8 years ago and turned around shortly after and started a business because the few bosses I had lied a lot and were unreliable. I wanted to work for myself so it would be nobody's fault but mine if I couldn't pay my bills or didn't have health insurance.

 

Now, my bills are paid and I have health insurance and a really cool house. I think I might even have 6 pairs of shoes now and some clothes! I had to get the police involved to back my mother down because she found out about the business and threatened me with violence if I didn't give her the money I used to pay my bills in the beginning when I was struggling.

 

This is the first time in my life I actually have anything for all of my hard work. I do not recommend ever working a 22 hour day (I only do it twice a year now to jump the company forward) but even if it's not sane to work days like that, I did do it and I constantly give to charities so I have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

I haven't seen my mother in 3 years or so but there was the guilt, just maybe...2 months ago when I was supposed to be having fun in the pool, not feeling like a criminal who should be ashamed.

 

It's a lot of work to correct this negative self-image.

 

I need to be my own best friend more.

[LuckyLady13]

I will always be vigilant and self-protective

 

Me too!

 

You see, I have also been abused by school teachers

 

This happened to my best friend of 25 years. We went to the same school. I met this teacher who was sexist and did not hide it. He told me he will not have girls in his class. I found out a few years later this same teacher tied my friend to a chair and had his class harass him, trying to force him to admit to stealing something he did not steal. He dropped out of school immediately and never looked back.

 

My best friend is not a thief. If he tells me he didn't do it, he didn't do it.

 

To this day he doesn't trust anyone. I really mean anyone. We've had a lot of discussions about this incident back in school and I've seen how it's created an almost paranoia with him when he meets new people. It takes him years to learn to trust someone and even then, he feels like people may 'turn' on him one day.

 

When he grew up, his parents were frequently at the bar. His older sister was abusive to him when they weren't home. When his teacher abused him, he didn't know he should tell adults what happened. My friend didn't realize he deserved better treatment and protection because he was abused at home too. The only thing he did know was he was terrified and just dropped out of school to try to protect himself from further abuse.

[truthtripper]

It takes him years to learn to trust someone and even then, he feels like people may 'turn' on him one day.

This is exactly how I feel and the fact that people have "turned" on me so many times, only reinforces my distrust.

[burnt]

I've always felt... lesser, nothing special, and it really manifests when someone gives me a compliment or affirmation, I catch myself dismissing or being self deprecating in response.

 

I have done the same for years; it was pointed out to me many times. Now I still feel the same, except I'm fully aware of it also, while I'm dismissing a compliment; the awareness actually makes it worse--not better, because I end up judging myself for dismissing the compliment.

 

Dismissing compliments or positive affirmations is trademark of a mentally abused person whose self-esteem has suffered. It has a side-effect, though, that concerns me greatly.

 

When you don't think you really deserve compliments from people, you're not realizing your full potential which, in turn, holds you back from trying and succeeding at a lot of things you're most likely perfectly capable of doing and possibly excelling at.

 

My therapist pointed out a very interesting summary of my behavior,

that every time I hear a compliment, I automatically classify it into one of three categories:

 

(1) The person is complimenting me because he is being nice and polite, but is lying and he doesn't mean the compliment; or maybe he is doing it because he feels sorry for me and is trying to cheer me up; so it's a fake untrue praise.

(2) The person is complimenting me because he is impressed by my fake facade and doesn't know how truly damaged and incompetent I really am, so the compliment is invalid.

(3) The person is complementing me because he is just a nice person who complements everyone and just sees life as just sugary/flowery/hunky-dory happy fluff and blindly sees 'positives' in everyone, so the praise has nothing to do with me.

 

I usually shut down pretty badly after hearing a compliment--just can't deal with it. I can take harsh criticisms--they seem so 'normal' and actually very 'productive'.

I somehow convince myself that I ought to be thankful for hearing criticisms because they help you grow and the people are 'kind' enough to point out my flaws and defects.

 

I think someone made a nice comment to one of my posts in LS some days ago. I haven't been able to revisit that thread since then.

 

It's so sick--I'm so aware of it, and still can't change--I wonder if I even want to change.

[LuckyLady13]

This is exactly how I feel and the fact that people have "turned" on me so many times, only reinforces my distrust.

 

This has happened to my friend, too. I don't know how but he's a gold digger magnet! He's not wealthy, just comfortable but dresses almost like he's poor. He's a nice, polite person. I don't know if that's all it takes? To be a really nice, polite guy? Women have tried to take advantage of him so bad it's unreal!

 

When I first met him, he told me women always try to get his money and car. I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn't.

 

He's had friends who have not necessarily turned on him but changed personalities (good people became criminals or drug addicts after up to 8 years of friendship) and he's seen me get burned a few times quite bad and dump friends who changed in ways I can't tolerate. (Including 2 cops who were growing and smoking weed while busting people on the street for it...) This did not help.

 

And he won't go to a therapist because he doesn't trust them either.

 

I have noticed that he just doesn't feel he deserves better than what he's been getting so far. For a time, I did manage to boost his self-esteem up enough to start dating women who had their own careers, car, house or apartment but he didn't have chemistry with anyone.

 

You seem like a polite, caring person, truthtripper. Hm. You and my friend have things in common. Sometimes it really does seem like finding good people is harder than finding a needle in acres of haystacks.

 

Do you think it's possible that the people who turned on you had red flags from day one that you either missed or dismissed? So, they technically didn't turn on you but eventually their true motives came out too clearly for you to dismiss anymore? I think this is what my friend does. Coming from feeling like he doesn't deserve better treatment, I think he dismisses bad treatment from people until he just can't anymore because things are so out of hand.

[LuckyLady13]

I usually shut down pretty badly after hearing a compliment--just can't deal with it. I can take harsh criticisms--they seem so 'normal' and actually very 'productive'.

I somehow convince myself that I ought to be thankful for hearing criticisms because they help you grow and the people are 'kind' enough to point out my flaws and defects.

 

It's so sick--I'm so aware of it, and still can't change--I wonder if I even want to change.

 

I know what you're saying. My dad is a trick shot pool player (Shark) and I asked him to show me how to play like him. His Marine friends were there and so were mine. What a set up! They were watching my every move and yelling "are you BLIND?!" and "need me to get you glasses?" whenever I failed to pull off a shot correctly. "Can you actually SEE the table?"

 

My non Marine friends (men, no less) started getting highly upset, saying they were being downright abusive and I said really? Are you serious? It's just a friendly game of pool. But, I noticed people who didn't get abused when they were growing up couldn't "take" that harsh of criticism while I was seeing it as constructive advice!

 

Side note: I was getting bank shots, shots behind my back and trick shots. I only missed a few. I wasn't playing regular pool. I was playing pool the way pros do in tournaments on TV. But, those Marines were absolutely breaking me dowwwwwwwn. It was so hard!

 

We're thick-skinned people. We can take a lot. Does it bother you because you know the reason behind it? The abuse is the cause? If your thick skin came from a positive environment instead, would you feel differently about it?

[truthtripper]

 

Do you think it's possible that the people who turned on you had red flags from day one that you either missed or dismissed? So, they technically didn't turn on you but eventually their true motives came out too clearly for you to dismiss anymore? I think this is what my friend does. Coming from feeling like he doesn't deserve better treatment, I think he dismisses bad treatment from people until he just can't anymore because things are so out of hand.

I decided to distance myself from a few people in my life who I've known since my school days. As the saying goes "birds of a feather flock together". I was initially like them, shallow, avoiding facing problems, selfish, judgemental etc. When my panic attacks began in my early 20's, I was forced to look at myself and face the pain from my past. The more I learnt about myself, the more distant I became from my friends and vice versa. In my journey of healing, I was literally leaving them behind and our relationships were losing their relevance. We were simply not relating to each other anymore. So I guess it's not so much that they were "turning" on me, but more that they couldn't cope with my change. I was beginning to be more open about my abuse with them. Unfortunately, it was all too much for them. But a lot of people tend to be this way. Child abuse is a taboo topic. As it's a common problem in the world, people should pluck up the courage to at least try to talk about it. It's this that causes me to lose faith and trust in humankind.

[truthtripper]

I know what you're saying. My dad is a trick shot pool player (Shark) and I asked him to show me how to play like him. His Marine friends were there and so were mine. What a set up! They were watching my every move and yelling "are you BLIND?!" and "need me to get you glasses?" whenever I failed to pull off a shot correctly. "Can you actually SEE the table?"

 

My non Marine friends (men, no less) started getting highly upset, saying they were being downright abusive and I said really? Are you serious? It's just a friendly game of pool. But, I noticed people who didn't get abused when they were growing up couldn't "take" that harsh of criticism while I was seeing it as constructive advice!

 

Side note: I was getting bank shots, shots behind my back and trick shots. I only missed a few. I wasn't playing regular pool. I was playing pool the way pros do in tournaments on TV. But, those Marines were absolutely breaking me dowwwwwwwn. It was so hard!

 

We're thick-skinned people. We can take a lot. Does it bother you because you know the reason behind it? The abuse is the cause? If your thick skin came from a positive environment instead, would you feel differently about it?

Whenever I got into trouble at school, I was so rehearsed at keeping my cool. I never blushed like other kids. They would ask me, "how do you do that? Don't you care if you get detention?" But I seemed to have lost this kind of armour, now that I'm aware of where it came from.

[preraph]

Siblings often reflect some aspect of the parents' bad behavior. Mine does as well. She always liked to tear me down, her and mom both. At the same time, we are close in some ways. Back when we were in our 30s, I had a really exciting career and she never did, and it was my whole life because it was my dream career. It was literally all I had to draw from in conversation, pretty much. She had me down for vacation and I mentioned something work related and she got real nasty about it and for the first time in my life, I let her have it and told her this was my life, and if she didn't like it, to shut up about it. She just couldn't stand me having something for myself. She still has rage issues at times and she hasn't done anything to sort herself out. She closes herself off a lot. You have to be the one to set the boundaries with that stuff, even at the risk of them blowing up at you. Tell them to stop it.

 

We all hear the echo of our upbringing in our heads. If yours was particularly bad, I'd urge you to at least do a round of therapy and just talk it all out with a neutral person and get it all out and then you have a better chance of leaving more of it behind you.

 

And always remember, this is YOUR life. Those people had their own life to do with as they wanted, but they have no right to interfere in what you do with yours. This may or may not be the only life you have, so make a point of throwing out the negative elements and seeking out happiness. It is yours to design as you wish. Good luck.

[SweetiePi]

This is exactly how I feel and the fact that people have "turned" on me so many times, only reinforces my distrust.

 

Same here. Trust in people is hard to come by for me. It takes many years before I trust even a little. I'm friendly and have many acquaintances, but only a handful of them I consider friends. I've also become very introverted.

 

 

As some also stated, I don't take compliments well - feel some people just compliment to get something in return. I doubt my abilities and often times hear myself repeat negative stuff out loud and don't notice until my husband and one friend pointed it out.

 

 

on a good note, it has made me more sensitive to how I treat others.

 

 

As far as physical abuse, I never noticed, till friend asked why do you flinch and hold up your arm when people make fast movement toward you.

[CTRL C]

This doesn't really allow us to delve into ourselves on deep levels, so I view medication as more of a hinderance than anything else, depending on how long it's taken for.

 

Apologies for the late reply - Thanksgiving weekend and all that. Yes I have never had any interest in medication either. It's a patch to make things manageable, but rarely a long term solution. I've found books that are helpful - a combination of books on healing from and understanding abuse and codependency, and general ones on creating a positive mindset. I like something in The Four Agreements - don't take things personally, the things people do are about them, not about you.

 

Dismissing compliments or positive affirmations is trademark of a mentally abused person whose self-esteem has suffered. It has a side-effect, though, that concerns me greatly.

 

When you don't think you really deserve compliments from people, you're not realizing your full potential which, in turn, holds you back from trying and succeeding at a lot of things you're most likely perfectly capable of doing and possibly excelling at.

 

One great tip (that I forget too often) is to be your own best friend. Step outside yourself and think "what would I say to me if I were my best friend?"

 

It's a lot of work to correct this negative self-image.

 

I need to be my own best friend more.

 

This is what I've been working hardest on. At the very least getting into a habit of saying thank you over the responses I used to use. Though it helps that I feel I am actually fixing my image - I gained 80 lb during that relationship, but since leaving have lost 15 and no longer bite my nails to bleeding. Not that looks are most important, but it is probably the most tangible.

 

But there's still that "you're not that great" feeling in the back of my mind... I keep thinking "if only I'd been smarter/stronger/more demanding of respect/just dated ANYONE ELSE..." I might've gone to a bigger/better school and gotten a better job; might have met someone worth those invested years and be getting married instead of watching everyone else's weddings and baby showers from the sidelines; might not have wasted those years isolated from my family over pettiness; might have kept up playing music; might still have those old close friends... But I wasn't and I didn't so I need to accept that I'm starting from scratch - emotionally, socially, financially - and just move along. It's a struggle lately to figure out what I need to fix so I don't end up there again, while not falling into the same blame spiral he had me in. Learn from my contributions while still holding him accountable for his own actions, you know?

[truthtripper]

I need to be my own best friend more.

A take-home message for everyone.

[truthtripper]

Where did the guilt come from? My mother. For years she drilled into my head, well into adulthood, that I didn't deserve a job, a boyfriend or husband and absolutely no material objects like clothes or shoes. Her reasoning? It was my fault she married my father instead of her ex-boyfriend who was so much better than my dad. My fault she didn't go to college and my fault she didn't have a lot of spending money because she was spending it on me when I was a child. All of these decisions she made right before I was born. She told me anyway "it's your fault!" and even though I knew it wasn't, the feeling of shame and guilt seeped into my head anyway. Then she blamed me for feeling guilty!

 

I had to get a job behind my mothers back about 8 years ago and turned around shortly after and started a business because the few bosses I had lied a lot and were unreliable. I wanted to work for myself so it would be nobody's fault but mine if I couldn't pay my bills or didn't have health insurance.

 

Now, my bills are paid and I have health insurance and a really cool house. I think I might even have 6 pairs of shoes now and some clothes! I had to get the police involved to back my mother down because she found out about the business and threatened me with violence if I didn't give her the money I used to pay my bills in the beginning when I was struggling.

 

This is the first time in my life I actually have anything for all of my hard work. I do not recommend ever working a 22 hour day (I only do it twice a year now to jump the company forward) but even if it's not sane to work days like that, I did do it and I constantly give to charities so I have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

I haven't seen my mother in 3 years or so but there was the guilt, just maybe...2 months ago when I was supposed to be having fun in the pool, not feeling like a criminal who should be ashamed.

 

It's a lot of work to correct this negative self-image.

 

I need to be my own best friend more.

When I read this, I think "projection". My mother is similar. She has blamed me for many things which were her own fault. She blamed me for being an only child and having social anxiety, for my abuse, for her ill health, for her unhappy marriage etc the list is endless. I struggle everyday with my PTSD. Some days I really feel like I'm drowning. I don't understand how some mothers can be so cruel, to ruin the lives of their own children.

[truthtripper]

Siblings often reflect some aspect of the parents' bad behavior. Mine does as well. She always liked to tear me down, her and mom both. At the same time, we are close in some ways. Back when we were in our 30s, I had a really exciting career and she never did, and it was my whole life because it was my dream career. It was literally all I had to draw from in conversation, pretty much. She had me down for vacation and I mentioned something work related and she got real nasty about it and for the first time in my life, I let her have it and told her this was my life, and if she didn't like it, to shut up about it. She just couldn't stand me having something for myself. She still has rage issues at times and she hasn't done anything to sort herself out. She closes herself off a lot. You have to be the one to set the boundaries with that stuff, even at the risk of them blowing up at you. Tell them to stop it.

 

We all hear the echo of our upbringing in our heads. If yours was particularly bad, I'd urge you to at least do a round of therapy and just talk it all out with a neutral person and get it all out and then you have a better chance of leaving more of it behind you.

 

And always remember, this is YOUR life. Those people had their own life to do with as they wanted, but they have no right to interfere in what you do with yours. This may or may not be the only life you have, so make a point of throwing out the negative elements and seeking out happiness. It is yours to design as you wish. Good luck.

My mother has always been jealous of me having friends. It took me a long time to become conscious of this, as the reality of it is so frightening. Whenever they visited my family home(when I was still living at home), she would make derogatory comments about me in front of them. She has a certain charisma about her that convinces people into believing her. I actually lost some friends because of her. They began talking behind my back and eventually discarded me. All it took was one visit for this to happen.

[Buddhist]

Yes, too many people think they can heal from such emotional traumas in a few weeks or months. I don't believe medication speeds up healing, rather it helps us put away our pain to a certain degree to get on with life, so to speak. This doesn't really allow us to delve into ourselves on deep levels, so I view medication as more of a hinderance than anything else, depending on how long it's taken for.

 

I found medication to actually make the problem worse, so my Dr doubled the dose and still no benefits at all. I took myself off my anti-depressants and started St Johns Wort plus a Liver Tonic that contains Skull cap and some other nerve tonic herb I can't remember. But that combo actually does something for me. I noticed a huge difference in my ability to cope with what were at the time, severe anxiety symptoms.

 

CBT, was meh for me and I was not only consistent but my therapist even remarked on my dedication. No BS excuses just getting on with the tasks each week. CBT helps you cope with the symptoms but it doesn't fix the root cause of the problem. It just turns you into someone coping with the problem instead of not coping.

 

The big breakthrough came for me in actually realising where all this stuff was coming from and pinpointing it to something. 75% of a problem is knowing what it is. The solution is only 25%. I was chronically disappointed in life, in relationships etc and couldn't figure out why. Until I realised how toxic my own mother is. She actively sets out to destroy the lives of her own children and takes great pleasure in doing so. We've all been programmed from infancy in self-destruction. I never could figure out why everytime my life got good it suddenly self combusted before.

 

I was having chronic reoccurring nightmares involving entrapment and being chased. And I remember these dreams started in early childhood. Yes my own mother is the monster under the bed. Once I made this connection things became considerably easier to deal with. Not easy, but at least I could start tackling it.