Cheating GF + Controlling parents + Med school

[DeezNuts]

Hi all

 

I am a 20 year old male studying in university to become a doctor. I am having a really difficult time in my life and have been on the verge of tears multiple times today. I have two big problems.

 

1) My girlfriend of 2 years betrayed me a few months ago. She was my first everything. We lost our virginities together, were each other's first kiss, it was all so magical. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We got along great. Some few arguments but nothing big. Until one night, she was out with the girls at the club (first time clubbing and getting drunk in her life) and she kissed someone. She danced a bit too closely with this guy on the dance floor since the dance floor was packed and he must've gotten the wrong message. She had no feelings towards him. He kissed her unexpectedly and she says she didn't pull back quick enough however left the dance floor immediately after. She told me all about it. Her friends confirmed nothing more happened. She was even ready to take the lying test to prove nothing else happened.

 

I felt like a truck had hit me and i was a mess for a while but i decided to forgive her. I genuinely have forgiven her and never bring it up against her but I can't forget. I still get painful triggers sometimes and although it's not too bad it is something permanent I'll have to live with and I'm not sure if i want to do that. I trust and respect her completely. She seemed extremely remorseful and cried a lot. But I just feel like I can't live with those triggers. For me, the betrayal lies in not just the kiss but also when she decided to dance closely with that guy. That's not the gf i thought i had. Things are great between us now, as they always were and this girl means SO much to me but I don't know if there's anyone out there worth the painful triggers.

 

2) My father. He is wayyy too controlling. He tells me to go for a run everyday, to drink this lemon water drink he makes 3 times a day, say my prayers, not to sit on the computer for too long, not to hang out with friends too long/often etc. He even tries to tell me how to dress when i dress just fine! It gets very very frustrating and I feel like I can't take it anymore and I just want to move out.

 

It should be noted that I take very very good care of my health. I workout consistently and love doing it but I have been slack lately due to exams. If anything HE needs to workout, he's out of shape. I get that he says those because he cares. But he's controlling and tries to ALWAYS get me to agree on his opinion.

 

 

I want to move out and away from my father and simultaneously break up with my girlfriend but I will then have to work 15 hours a week in order to support myself financially (whilst in medical school), make my own food and all that stuff. If i move out, my father may never talk to me again because my culture frowns upon moving out. I will lose my ENTIRE support network. I have only one "close" friend apart from girlfriend and family but it feels like I am going to lose both very soon and just the mere thought of living in a flat with strangers and no support network tears me up. It's a really difficult thought to bear.

 

Any thoughts/suggestions would be VERY much appreciated.

 

Tldr; Gf cheated and father very controlling. Moving out whilst in med school to work part time to support myself. Stressing like crazy at the mere thought of it.

[PrettyEmily77]

Your priority should be your studies so IMO, you should do everything you can to focus on that. Med school is no walk in the park and that alone can (and will) be super stressful so you need to surround yourself with ppl who will get the pressure. The great thing about med school is that it gives you friends for life (I still have a very tight group of friends now from med school, and I'm 39 ).

 

Seems like you're at a crossroads at the moment, and about to cross the line to independent adulthood - can be overwhelming but also, it can be done (only if you're ready though) and be very, very rewarding in the long run . Your father will come round, you may or may not fix things for good with the GF but things have a way of working out in the end - do what's right for you, OP!

[Qboro90]

From what it sounds like, you come from a very conservative and probably religious or family controlling culture/country so that's going to be something which will limit the rational advise people can give you that you're willing to take.

 

Meaning, the blunt truth is that the final answer to growing up and actually leading a life that you want to lead will have to force you to stand up to your father/parents and/or learn how to support and care for yourself without them.

 

That's something you either can or cannot do at this time... But i promise you that eventually you will HAVE to do that. What happens when you're done with med school or picking the field you want to go into and your father is dead set on an area which you absolutely hate? What if he wants you to work at this place closer to home instead of moving for an opportunity you are really excited about?

 

You can either let him treat you like a child and make your decisions for you, or you can say "listen, dad, I know you love and care about me and just want what's absolutely best for me, but if I'm going to be the kind of man that a father would be proud of... You need to start letting me make my own decisions on what path and direction I want my life to go, and trust that you raised me to do it the right way. I want to be able to come to you for advise, not for you to come to me and tell me what your answers would be... I need to find them on my own". If he can't respect that then he's the kind of person who will never be able to see someone else's point of view and take a back seat, and in that case, you're going to be miserable the rest of your life because he'll threaten to cut off communication or finances unless you do things his way. If you don't believe in yourself enough to know that despite things being difficult, you will be able to make it and survive on your own, then you'll be daddy's little boy your whole life.

Cooking for yourself, household responsibilities, and 15 hours of work a week is NOTHING, compared to what most people have to do in order to survive and support themselves. If you're smart enough to be in med school then you're smart enough to figure out how to make dinner for yourself and hustle to make a few bucks to have your own place.

 

 

Now as far as your gf goes. It's going to suck to hear this bit this girl and you are just going through the issues that an immature couple will go through. If you think that your first relationship will be your last, then use the brains that got you into med school to figure out that chances are.... You're going to break up and date other people in the coming years. And honestly... You need to. You need to see what else can be offered and what else is out there in terms of women. In terms of everything. She needs to as well. That's the reason she kissed another guy. She's been with you for so long you've probably gotten into a routine and when she had another guy showing her interest and flirting, she let her mind go and fell into the moment.

 

And kissing is still cheating. If she woulda slept with him, would you have broken up with her? Or still taken her back? If you break up and give the both of you the chance to date and meet other people then you will either 1. Meet someone or multiple other girls that blow your current gf outta the water ... Or 2. Realize that your current gf and you really had something special and she sees that too and you find your way back to each other eventually.

 

This doesn't mean break up for 6 months and if you don't find someone then get back together with her. That's a lazy and non confident persons move.

 

Plus with med school upcoming, you're not going to have the time to be able to devote to a serious relationship. You'll have studying, and hopefully a job to do every day/week. A gf will just eventually start nagging you about not giving her enough time.. Blah blah.... And you'll fight more... Then you'll fight and she'll go out to another club, and she'll hook up with another guy. Bound to happen.

 

The fact that you're each other's "firsts for everything" tells me that neither one of you is mature enough or has enough worldly/life experience to be in a serious relationship right now. Go out there and see the world and people that are around you instead of living like you're in high school for the most crucial developmental years of your life.

[Amelie1980]

Dump your girlfriend, now.

 

Just say to your dad, yeah yeah I'll do it and try not to listen.

 

Prioritise your studies.

[DeezNuts]

From what it sounds like, you come from a very conservative and probably religious or family controlling culture/country so that's going to be something which will limit the rational advise people can give you that you're willing to take.

 

Meaning, the blunt truth is that the final answer to growing up and actually leading a life that you want to lead will have to force you to stand up to your father/parents and/or learn how to support and care for yourself without them.

 

That's something you either can or cannot do at this time... But i promise you that eventually you will HAVE to do that. What happens when you're done with med school or picking the field you want to go into and your father is dead set on an area which you absolutely hate? What if he wants you to work at this place closer to home instead of moving for an opportunity you are really excited about?

 

You can either let him treat you like a child and make your decisions for you, or you can say "listen, dad, I know you love and care about me and just want what's absolutely best for me, but if I'm going to be the kind of man that a father would be proud of... You need to start letting me make my own decisions on what path and direction I want my life to go, and trust that you raised me to do it the right way. I want to be able to come to you for advise, not for you to come to me and tell me what your answers would be... I need to find them on my own". If he can't respect that then he's the kind of person who will never be able to see someone else's point of view and take a back seat, and in that case, you're going to be miserable the rest of your life because he'll threaten to cut off communication or finances unless you do things his way. If you don't believe in yourself enough to know that despite things being difficult, you will be able to make it and survive on your own, then you'll be daddy's little boy your whole life.

Cooking for yourself, household responsibilities, and 15 hours of work a week is NOTHING, compared to what most people have to do in order to survive and support themselves. If you're smart enough to be in med school then you're smart enough to figure out how to make dinner for yourself and hustle to make a few bucks to have your own place.

 

 

Now as far as your gf goes. It's going to suck to hear this bit this girl and you are just going through the issues that an immature couple will go through. If you think that your first relationship will be your last, then use the brains that got you into med school to figure out that chances are.... You're going to break up and date other people in the coming years. And honestly... You need to. You need to see what else can be offered and what else is out there in terms of women. In terms of everything. She needs to as well. That's the reason she kissed another guy. She's been with you for so long you've probably gotten into a routine and when she had another guy showing her interest and flirting, she let her mind go and fell into the moment.

 

And kissing is still cheating. If she woulda slept with him, would you have broken up with her? Or still taken her back? If you break up and give the both of you the chance to date and meet other people then you will either 1. Meet someone or multiple other girls that blow your current gf outta the water ... Or 2. Realize that your current gf and you really had something special and she sees that too and you find your way back to each other eventually.

 

This doesn't mean break up for 6 months and if you don't find someone then get back together with her. That's a lazy and non confident persons move.

 

Plus with med school upcoming, you're not going to have the time to be able to devote to a serious relationship. You'll have studying, and hopefully a job to do every day/week. A gf will just eventually start nagging you about not giving her enough time.. Blah blah.... And you'll fight more... Then you'll fight and she'll go out to another club, and she'll hook up with another guy. Bound to happen.

 

The fact that you're each other's "firsts for everything" tells me that neither one of you is mature enough or has enough worldly/life experience to be in a serious relationship right now. Go out there and see the world and people that are around you instead of living like you're in high school for the most crucial developmental years of your life.

 

Thank you for your detailed response, I really appreciate it

 

Yeah I'm from a Middle Eastern muslim family so we are rather conservative.

 

My father does enforce his expectations upon me and he even admitted this morning that he's controlling and apologized for it. Said he'll work on it. I don't have a lot of hope though since I don't see him changing too much so I'm still open to the idea of moving out. I haven't told him about it yet though. Although he would never cut off finances. One time in an argument, he told me to leave his house and said he'll support me 100% financially. I didn't take the offer at the time since I didn't want to leave my family like that. If i do move out, I won't be relying on him financially at all.

 

I highlighted the quote you put in there because i really like it. I never put things like that when talking with him. I will try telling him that so thanks for that.

 

As mentioned above in the original post, I workout and this means I have to eat a lot and it has to be very healthy meaning meal preparation can take a lot of my time (right now, my good old mother makes the big 3 meals). I don't think my time management skills are strong enough as of right now to balance working 15 hours a week + making 6 meals a day + studying so that's something I will start reading/working upon.

 

My girlfriend is currently in Europe on the trip of her life. I trust her completely and not worried about her cheating or anything at all. I'm wondering if I should break up with her now or later. If I do it now, she'll at least have her trip to distract her. When she gets back, I'll be on holiday so I'll have to wait until January 2016 to end things. If she had slept with another dude, I think I would have tried to take her back. It just would've hurt a lot more but I probably still would've given her another chance. We most likely would not have survived though as the trust would not have returned easily.

 

I keep swinging between break up and stay. When I decide to break up, the other option seems more favourable and vice versa. It seems like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't have fear of being alone. Somedays, i just feel like I shouldn't let go of this relationship and other days I feel the opposite.

 

"Then you'll fight and she'll go out to another club, and she'll hook up with another guy. Bound to happen." Though one can never predict the future, in my understanding, she's definitely is not the type to hook up because she's pissed at me. She's the type to leave the relationship before she goes off and hooks up with another guy.

[DeezNuts]

Your priority should be your studies so IMO, you should do everything you can to focus on that. Med school is no walk in the park and that alone can (and will) be super stressful so you need to surround yourself with ppl who will get the pressure. The great thing about med school is that it gives you friends for life (I still have a very tight group of friends now from med school, and I'm 39 ).

 

Seems like you're at a crossroads at the moment, and about to cross the line to independent adulthood - can be overwhelming but also, it can be done (only if you're ready though) and be very, very rewarding in the long run . Your father will come round, you may or may not fix things for good with the GF but things have a way of working out in the end - do what's right for you, OP!

 

I agree completely that med school needs to be my utmost priority right now. My grades have slipped up in the past year due to these.....distractions. I have started planning my finances and am actively searching for a job to support myself. Thanks for your response

 

 

Dump your girlfriend, now.

 

Just say to your dad, yeah yeah I'll do it and try not to listen.

 

Prioritise your studies.

 

 

I have tried doing that but if I don't defend myself, he brings it up later. Again, I completely agree about studying being #1 priority right now.

[futureglory263]

Yes, your girlfriend cheated on you; however as you say, she seems genuinely remorseful and you have forgiven her. she was under the influence alcohol, the first time, no less- which doesn't excuse her- but it seems like it really was just a poor, unplanned decision on her part. while it was understandably devastating to you, i think that it wouldn't be the reason to break up, given that pretty much everything else in the relationship is going smoothly and that things are again great between you guys at this point. Forgiveness does not mean you forget, nor does it mean you automatically trust the person again...it will take time to restore trust again. But the painful triggers will lessen and even disappear with enough time, although it is understandably hard to picture at this point.

You say that you are torn between breaking up and staying together. Do you feel part of the reason is that so you will have more time to be focused with school? Could it be that maybe the fact that she cheated is giving you a push to break up with her? I ask you these because it's important to understand our deep, inner motives that may not be in the forefront of our consciousness. If we make decisions without fully understanding where they come from, or if we make important decisions in the passion of an emotion (e.g. when we are hurt by someone, or elated from a fortunate event), it may cause regret later on.

If you do decide to stick together with your life about to get busier, now is the time to sort set the picture to her with your life. She need to know that you will need to devote a lot more time to your studies. It is important for both of you to manage expectations of each other, because that can lessen any resentment or heartache that comes from the stresses/changes of seeing each other less.

 

Moving out is also a HUGE decision. I say this because you are someone who is used to cooking for you (and if i may surmise, having your laundry done, groceries shopped for, etc.). Living on your own, and preparing your own 3 meals is a huge deal in and of itself. If you add on working 15 hours a week, studying for medical school, dealing with potential resentment and disconnect with your family for moving out, it may be too overwhelming. Ultimately it is your decision. However, establishing a little bit of financial stability (saving up some money), especially as you get adjusted with medical school expectations/study routine/schedule, and getting used to changes in your relationship/breaking up with the gf, and then moving out would be the more conservative way to go, if you are in fact really set on moving out. More practically, you are also 20 years young. If you can stay home and save up some cash, all the better.

[d0nnivain]

Your GF didn't cheat on you. Some guy kissed her. Not the other way around.

 

Break up with her if you like but don't go around saying she cheated on you when all she did was fail to anticipate some guy's moves the 1st time she went to a club.

 

If you want to get out from your father's thumb move. However, his remarks seem to be advice not control. Drink the water. You need to stay hydrated to study anyway.

 

It doesn't seem like this is the kind of stuff over which to lose your whole network.

 

Finish your undergraduate studies, then go to med school far away so you can't live at home.

[LuckyLady13]

Your GF didn't cheat on you. Some guy kissed her. Not the other way around.

 

Break up with her if you like but don't go around saying she cheated on you when all she did was fail to anticipate some guy's moves the 1st time she went to a club.

 

You called her a cheating GF and I don't know why since she didn't cheat on you. I really hope you're not going to break things off with her when she isn't guilty of what you're calling her.

[Els]

1) Wait what? It sounds to me like the guy kissed your gf without her consent, she didn't kiss him. Her dancing with him is not the same as her giving him permission to kiss her. That being said if she's fond of clubbing she's likely to not be compatible with your (very, very conservative) self, so perhaps it might be best if you parted ways. Just be aware that similarly conservative women have other expectations of their partner, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

2) You gotta do what you gotta do. If you need to stay at home to graduate med school then do so and put up with your parents until then. Be nice and respectful to them in the meantime.

 

3) You don't even know how to 'make your own food and all that stuff'??? Better start learning now, unless you intend to continue living with your parents AFTER you graduate. If you think you're busy now, you're in for an unpleasant surprise after you graduate and start working as a doctor, especially if you're in the US.

[turnera]

Couple things. First, find the school counselor at your school and start attending as often as they will let you. Ask the counselor to help you learning how to set boundaries and consequences with your father. It will help you mature and learn to stand on your own two feet without having to move out. And your dad, unless he's just a jerk, will respond to it if done correctly, and start backing off.

 

It's a young adult's job to start asserting his/her own independence - most parents aren't going to do it for you. Use this time to start changing things, slowly, and build upon that. If you can't get in to see the counselor right away, give us some examples in better detail, and we can show you how to handle it differently so that you aren't feeling bossed around.

 

As for your girlfriend...all I can say is I usually tell people not to get serious until after college. Take this time to just casually date and get to know different people and see what is a really good fit for you. The brain doesn't stop developing, your personality doesn't stop changing, until around age 25, so it's quite common that who you first start out with won't be someone you're compatible with by the time you hit 25. I know it's hard to imagine that at age 20, but you'll see what I mean as you get older. If you're having no problems, fine. But if you're struggling to keep the relationship going, try not holding on to it so hard, ok? You need to focus on your school, as it will be the bedrock of the rest of your life.

[crederer]

I've been where you are man. People saying "he kissed her, not the other way around" are pretty naive.

 

Ask yourself, if someone was trying to kiss you, would you "accidentally" kiss her back?

 

The reality is that this relationship is over. It took it's course. But you're young. You will find someone else who doesn't kiss other men while she's drunk. I can tell by your post that you're over it and you're looking for reasons to stay because she is the most significant person in your life, you love her, and it's difficult to end that.

 

Again, I know man, I've been there.