Family disapproves of my happiness.

[ms_goldilocks]

Hello everyone.

 

I'm sure you've heard similar stories many times but I am in a situation that breaks my heart daily.

 

I'm a 23-year-old Bosnian girl but I grew up in Denmark (Muslim) and half a year ago I met this amazing Mexican guy who I started dating and who ended up moving to Denmark from Mexico for me. So when he moved here over a month ago I decided to tell my parents because I wanted to share my happiness and I imagined them being happy on my behalf. But I was wrong.. They got extremely mad at me said that they would disown and and I would never see them or my brother again if I don't break up because according to them, mixing religions and nationalities is wrong.

 

I am so heartbroken. I told my parents that we broke up because, if I told them that I choose him, they'd throw me out of the house and I have nowhere to go. So I keep seeing my boyfriend behind my parents' back because I refuse to break up over such a stupid thing. I think about it every single day because I know that one day, I will have to say bye to my parents only because they refuse to see me happy. I said that for me, my own happiness is the first priority and they called me selfish. I wanna be with my boyfriend because he makes me truly happy.

 

I am expected to finish grad school next summer but I can't focus on my studies anymore. This problem is something I wake up with every single morning, and every time I go out of the house to go see my bf, my heart breaks.

 

What is your opinion on this? Am I, like my dad says, selfish and the bad guy in this situation? I'm very disappointed that my parents would disown me for not doing what they want me to. I can't even describe how much resentment and anger I feel when it comes to my parents and I feel that they don't care, and even worse, I know that feeling so angry on a daily basis is not healthy for me.

 

I feel stuck. I can't tell my parents we're still together because, knowing them, they actually WOULD throw me out and disown me. And I can't break up with my boyfriend because I really love him and he is an amazing human being.

 

What do you all think about this?

 

x

[d0nnivain]

If you are strong enough to stand up to them & their biases they may come around. My mother gave me a similar ultimatum -- if you do X I will disown you & you will be dead to me. I did X anyway. We didn't speak for about a year. Eventually she missed me & came around.

[ms_goldilocks]

If you are strong enough to stand up to them & their biases they may come around. My mother gave me a similar ultimatum -- if you do X I will disown you & you will be dead to me. I did X anyway. We didn't speak for about a year. Eventually she missed me & came around.

 

That actually gives me a little hope Was it tough not speaking to her? I always wonder how it's going to be if my parents end up disowning me or not wanting to speak with me anymore.

[d0nnivain]

I had a very rocky relationship with my mother at the time I defied her & chose my own path. I missed my father who didn't talk to me out of loyalty to my mother. He was the catalyst to help us reconcile.

 

 

So no I didn't miss my mother because we weren't close anyway.

 

 

When we did reconcile for the 1st time in my life I began to believe that she might actually like me. I knew she loved me because she was my mom but I never thought she would have chosen to spend time with me as a person.

[casey.lives]

family..friends.. there's always someone. Just keep to your boundaries

[DeezNuts]

As a fellow Muslim, I wouldn't suggest marrying a non muslim. I'm all for interacial marriages but inter-religion can get a bit complicated. That is, unless you aren't practising at all. There are many differences in the muslim values and non muslim values. Ie will he respect your boundaries during ramadan? Will he respect your desire to prioritize prayer over other things everyday? Again, this isn't a problem if you aren't practicing.

 

As far as your parents go, ask them calmly what their concerns are. Are they worried about their grandchildren losing the Bosnian culture? Do they believe that interracial marriages never work? Do they hold perceptions of Mexicans that are making them oppose this decision?

 

Your parents can also bring up other questions like "What language will the kids learn?". Will they speak Danish, Bosnian or Spanish? Explain to them that it IS more than possible for children to learn two different languages as long as parents communicate in their own language with the child and not the other.

 

Unfortunately, this may not be enough explanation for your parents and you may very well have to choose between one or the other.

[mrldii]

Unfortunately, I'm with DeezNuts on this one. Since YOU mentioned you're Muslim and brought it into the conversation, the typical Western advice this Western woman would give another woman is going to be moot.

 

Are you a Westernized Muslim living in Denmark, or are you more traditional? If you are more traditional, it's not as easy as "Screw your parents, it's your life!", as in traditional Islam there's not a lot of opportunities for women who rebuke their faith.

[ms_goldilocks]

As a fellow Muslim, I wouldn't suggest marrying a non muslim. I'm all for interacial marriages but inter-religion can get a bit complicated. That is, unless you aren't practising at all. There are many differences in the muslim values and non muslim values. Ie will he respect your boundaries during ramadan? Will he respect your desire to prioritize prayer over other things everyday? Again, this isn't a problem if you aren't practicing.

 

As far as your parents go, ask them calmly what their concerns are. Are they worried about their grandchildren losing the Bosnian culture? Do they believe that interracial marriages never work? Do they hold perceptions of Mexicans that are making them oppose this decision?

 

Your parents can also bring up other questions like "What language will the kids learn?". Will they speak Danish, Bosnian or Spanish? Explain to them that it IS more than possible for children to learn two different languages as long as parents communicate in their own language with the child and not the other.

 

Unfortunately, this may not be enough explanation for your parents and you may very well have to choose between one or the other.

 

We've never been practicing in my family and it's a subject my boyfriend and I have discussed a lot and it's not a problem at all. My boyfriend even said that if I were practicing, he'd respect that too. I understand your point with it being difficult but I think it's different from couple to couple, depending on how religious they are.

 

And my parents are exactly scared that, if have kids, they won't be able to communicate with them because they're afraid that they'll only know Spanish.. So when I told this to my poor bf, he started taking Bosnian classes so that, one day, we will also be able to speak Bosnian in our house.

 

He even said that he's not trying to take away my Bosnian roots, but that's exactly what my parents are afraid of.

[ms_goldilocks]

Unfortunately, I'm with DeezNuts on this one. Since YOU mentioned you're Muslim and brought it into the conversation, the typical Western advice this Western woman would give another woman is going to be moot.

 

Are you a Westernized Muslim living in Denmark, or are you more traditional? If you are more traditional, it's not as easy as "Screw your parents, it's your life!", as in traditional Islam there's not a lot of opportunities for women who rebuke their faith.

 

I mentioned it because it's a big deal for my family. I grew up in a country where religion doesn't mean much, and I've never been practicing. We've never been like that in my family..

[DeezNuts]

In that case, just tell your parents that your kids won't lose their culture. Do your best to teach your kids as much as you can about your culture as well as the Mexican culture.

 

But do know that the culture of the playground/Denmark will be the dominant culture and language in your children if they grow up in Denmark

[dreamingoftigers]

I openly defied my father.

 

My mother plays toward the middle but encourages me to placate him.

 

In fact, my father thinks married my husband JUST TO defy him.

 

He wasn't very kind at engaging me during childhood and beyond. I was more upset that "my father" was so ridiculous and "why couldn't I have a reasonable Dad like 95% of everyone else I knew?" (I am not saying 95% Of Dads are reasonable; just that 95%+ were more reasonable than my Dad).

 

He NEVER came around to the idea. He will doubtful ever come around. But now he has blessed me with the gift of shutting his mouth, 11 years later.

 

He wouldn't have been happy with ANYONE I chose to marry. He was extremely pissed that I took my husband's last name. He has said things like "there's nothing wrong with the name I gave you." Was even pissed off that I dared hyphenate it with my maiden name at first. Never mind that my mother took his last name. My father tells my daughter that her last name is my maiden name. Even registered her for soccer camp under my maiden name. That was embarrassing to explain.

 

But you know what?

My father doesn't understand the irony. He taught me to openly defy authority I disagreed with. Taught me to aggressively stand up for my rights against bullies and people who would otherwise take advantage of me.

 

So now that he's actively bullied my husband over the years, come over to my home to instigate crazy conflicts ( comes over at 11 pm demanding to visit with my daughter. I say no shes asleep so he bangs on the door repeatedly refusing to leave or stop until he visits with her. Then HE calls the police because we wont let him in). On other occasions I've had him show up and I've had to have police remove him. One time he was mad at my husband wanting to leave from him trying to provoke a fight, so when my husband got in the car to drive away my father tried to bust the windshield with a crowbar.

 

He's outright disrespected my very want to have my own life and family.

 

And maybe, just maybe, he'd taught me to knuckle under to the wishes of bullies instead of not backing down, I'd be a spinster living at home pulling splinters out of my butt waiting for his approval.

 

No matter how stupid, or small or insignificant my life and relationship may seem to my father; it's mine. And I won't let go of what makes me happy to satisfy someone's ridiculous or irrational expectations.

 

And frankly, my father of all people should expect exactly that from me.

Edited November 22, 2015 by dreamingoftigers

[ms_goldilocks]

In that case, just tell your parents that your kids won't lose their culture. Do your best to teach your kids as much as you can about your culture as well as the Mexican culture.

 

But do know that the culture of the playground/Denmark will be the dominant culture and language in your children if they grow up in Denmark

 

Of course. I was three months old when I came to Denmark. This has pretty much been my playground too

[Haydn]

I think you should go for it. You are Danish (Great country) Loads of opportunities in the future, (He relocated from Mexico!!!)

 

Your parents are not going to live your live for you and shouldn`t.

 

Good luck.

[ms_goldilocks]

I openly defied my father.

 

My mother plays toward the middle but encourages me to placate him.

 

In fact, my father thinks married my husband JUST TO defy him.

 

He wasn't very kind at engaging me during childhood and beyond. I was more upset that "my father" was so ridiculous and "why couldn't I have a reasonable Dad like 95% of everyone else I knew?" (I am not saying 95% Of Dads are reasonable; just that 95%+ were more reasonable than my Dad).

 

He NEVER came around to the idea. He will doubtful ever come around. But now he has blessed me with the gift of shutting his mouth, 11 years later.

 

He wouldn't have been happy with ANYONE I chose to marry. He was extremely pissed that I took my husband's last name. He has said things like "there's nothing wrong with the name I gave you." Was even pissed off that I dared hyphenate it with my maiden name at first. Never mind that my mother took his last name. My father tells my daughter that her last name is my maiden name. Even registered her for soccer camp under my maiden name. That was embarrassing to explain.

 

But you know what?

My father doesn't understand the irony. He taught me to openly defy authority I disagreed with. Taught me to aggressively stand up for my rights against bullies and people who would otherwise take advantage of me.

 

So now that he's actively bullied my husband over the years, come over to my home to instigate crazy conflicts ( comes over at 11 pm demanding to visit with my daughter. I say no shes asleep so he bangs on the door repeatedly refusing to leave or stop until he visits with her. Then HE calls the police because we wont let him in). On other occasions I've had him show up and I've had to have police remove him. One time he was mad at my husband wanting to leave from him trying to provoke a fight, so when my husband got in the car to drive away my father tried to bust the windshield with a crowbar.

 

He's outright disrespected my very want to have my own life and family.

 

And maybe, just maybe, he'd taught me to knuckle under to the wishes of bullies instead of not backing down, I'd be a spinster living at home pulling splinters out of my butt waiting for his approval.

 

No matter how stupid, or small or insignificant my life and relationship may seem to my father; it's mine. And I won't let go of what makes me happy to satisfy someone's ridiculous or irrational expectations.

 

And frankly, my father of all people should expect exactly that from me.

 

Wow, I'm really sorry that you go through this. My dad does the same - keep telling me how I have to be independent and have my own identity and yet he's taking away my right to be independent. My dad and I have always had a good relationship but I don't feel that anymore because I now realize how different we are. And I can also tell you that my dad isn't very reasonable either.. Sometimes I even wish that my dad was like other girls' dads.

 

The problem is however that he's very good at guilt tripping! He usually uses the "after everything we've given you, you do this to us!" against me and it makes me feel even worse although I know it shouldn't.

[ms_goldilocks]

I think you should go for it. You are Danish (Great country) Loads of opportunities in the future, (He relocated from Mexico!!!)

 

Your parents are not going to live your live for you and shouldn`t.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks a lot! I'm really fighting for the relationship and won't give up on it although it means hiding it from my family for now.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, I'm really sorry that you go through this. My dad does the same - keep telling me how I have to be independent and have my own identity and yet he's taking away my right to be independent. My dad and I have always had a good relationship but I don't feel that anymore because I now realize how different we are. And I can also tell you that my dad isn't very reasonable either.. Sometimes I even wish that my dad was like other girls' dads.

 

The problem is however that he's very good at guilt tripping! He usually uses the "after everything we've given you, you do this to us!" against me and it makes me feel even worse although I know it shouldn't.

 

My Dad is a champion guilt-tripper!

 

I can't even listen to it anymore. It is so pathetic to watch a grown man whinge like a small victim over even trivial things.

 

The only response worth giving is "yes, after investing in me and my development to make my own choices and live my own life, I have done just that. Either you want me using my own brain and heart or you don't."

 

That's on them.

 

Its a hard line to draw when you've grown up bathed in guilt, but they aren't being functional in communicating their feelings or concerns. That's not your problem.

 

You aren't betraying them by choosing a mate.

 

They need to grow up.

[turnera]

I would suggest that, since you're almost ready to graduate, that you put EVERYTHING on the back burner until you finish and graduate, get a job, and move out. Stay in touch, but pull way back on the dating; you need to concentrate anyway, right? You can survive this short time not focusing on a relationship, and he can focus during this time on improving his language skills, immersing into the culture by making friends and working (I assume he has a job?), and coming to a place where it looks like he really IS investing in your culture.

 

Then, once you start your new job and move out, it will become more and more of a moot point.

[crederer]

I mentioned it because it's a big deal for my family. I grew up in a country where religion doesn't mean much, and I've never been practicing. We've never been like that in my family..

 

Do you want to live for your family, or do you want to live for you?

[ms_goldilocks]

Do you want to live for your family, or do you want to live for you?

 

For me, of course. But under their roof, apparently, I gotta do what they say. But that won't be for too long

[ms_goldilocks]

Update on the situation.

 

Since I want to move to the States when I graduate, I have been worrying about how I can leave my bf behind in order to go for my career. Yesterday I got a call from my bf telling me that he received a letter saying that he wasn't granted a work permit in Denmark because the government wants to prioritize the refugees.

 

It really broke my heart but on the other hand, my bf got a job offer today in Southern California, which he will most likely accept. So right now I have to focus on getting my master's and moving to LA as planned without feeling guilty about leaving someone behind. Also, I won't have to lie to my parents anymore about where I am or who I'm with, so it's not that bad, right?

 

I spent all day and night crying but maybe it's for the better. We are not gonna break up, my bf's family lives here so he will come visit and, besides, the first 4 months of our relationship have been long distance so additional 4 months shouldn't be an issue.

 

I know it's going to be hard but we are both determined and want to make this work, so wish me good luck!! I've chosen to see this obstacle as something okay that will make the relationships stronger.

[turnera]

Honestly, it sounds like the best possible scenario. You'll get away from your overbearing parents, you'll start a career in the US so you'll learn to be independent, and you'll be close enough to your boyfriend to see him on a regular basis.

[ms_goldilocks]

Honestly, it sounds like the best possible scenario. You'll get away from your overbearing parents, you'll start a career in the US so you'll learn to be independent, and you'll be close enough to your boyfriend to see him on a regular basis.

 

The situation breaks my heart because I won't see him for a while, but I think that it's great timing. Once I move to the States, my parents won't be able to say anything about me dating him.