K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I recently very definitively lost the woman I thought I would marry. My heart is shattered. This is gonna take a solid year before I stop being in screaming pain, I think, never mind, on the market. Am I too old? Stick a fork in me? I often feel like that's the reality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostInNC Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I am 46 also and lost the man I thought would be with me forever. Well I didn't loose him he ran away while I was at work. So I hope to goodness sake that 46 is not too old. It will be a long long long time though before I ever consider dating is the flip side to this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 46 is absolutely NOT old. you can be sure about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I recently very definitively lost the woman I thought I would marry. My heart is shattered. This is gonna take a solid year before I stop being in screaming pain, I think, never mind, on the market. Am I too old? Stick a fork in me? I often feel like that's the reality. Not at all. One of my best gals is in her early 50s and she is seeing someone who is about her age. Also one of my coworkers who is 50 this year just started seeing a fellow in his mid-sixties. I hope your heart heals well and soon. When you are ready you will find someone lovely. Link to post Share on other sites
SunlightJune Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 46 is not old - just be glad you didn't waste anymore time with someone who wasn't in it for the long haul. Dating is tricky at any age. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I recently very definitively lost the woman I thought I would marry. My heart is shattered. This is gonna take a solid year before I stop being in screaming pain, I think, never mind, on the market. Am I too old? Stick a fork in me? I often feel like that's the reality. Of course it isn't ... I really hope you don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to get someone, anyone quick before you get 'too old'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 My ex replaced me in 5 months... wedding and everything. I feel obsolete and idiotic. Link to post Share on other sites
BelleSkye Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 LostinNC and K2z should start seeing each other 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 46 is not old - just be glad you didn't waste anymore time with someone who wasn't in it for the long haul. Dating is tricky at any age. I wish I could accuse her of not being in it for the long haul but ostensibly she waited for me for three years, and I dragged my feet about locking in marriage. But whoa, to be replaced in five months, marriage and all, is like a gunshot to the gut. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 You're not screwed. I am 34 and I started dating my now-boyfriend last year, when he was 47. I was attracted to him as a person and his age has been a benefit, honestly. He has more life experience and a clear of what he wants and doesn't want; he is established and secure in many senses. The right woman will appreciate these qualities in you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I wish I could accuse her of not being in it for the long haul but ostensibly she waited for me for three years, and I dragged my feet about locking in marriage. But whoa, to be replaced in five months, marriage and all, is like a gunshot to the gut. This is on you, dude! Three years? No, this is all on you. Next time, be there, be aware, be present and be available emotionally to move forward or let them go. Most people want marriage or commitmement of some sort...whatever issues you have for not providing that is on you to figure out and fix. We are all responsible for our own lives. Therefore, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to work on your issues and your self. I'm younger than you by a few years, and I am aware enough to know that I'm the Captain of my own ship. Best and good luck, Grumps 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Yes I understand it's on me. The irony is I was getting ready to marry her. But she's Thai and failing to go meet her parents and get engaged formally did me in. I am eating myself from the inside. I was so stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 I would say just one thing in my defense. I hesitated because I often felt it wasn't so much about her being in love with ME as it was me being "good enough," just kind of a warm body to marry and check the box. Looking at the guy she married, and the timeline on which it happened, it would appear I was right-- getting married was a whole lot more important to her than the particulars of who it was. But the wedding pix really gutted me nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I would say just one thing in my defense. I hesitated because I often felt it wasn't so much about her being in love with ME as it was me being "good enough," just kind of a warm body to marry and check the box. Looking at the guy she married, and the timeline on which it happened, it would appear I was right-- getting married was a whole lot more important to her than the particulars of who it was. But the wedding pix really gutted me nonetheless. Dude, she found someone who loved her enough to commit to it. It wasn't about getting married..it was about sharing values! Personally, being a father and husband, commitment is everything. When you question or reject it...you are losing a part of what relationships are. What was she providing? I provide forever........my wife provides forever...our kids like that. Best, G 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 You're right at the end of the day. I got the shivers for no reason I guess. I am paying the price. I was a fool not to commit. Link to post Share on other sites
SunlightJune Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) No I have to totally disagree with Grumpy - three years is such a short amount of time. Anyone in a relationship should wait at LEAST 1-3 years before tying the knot - that's what a sane person would do. These people who get married within 5 months of knowing each other are absolutely ridiculous. You can't know someone in that short time frame. And if you're going to marry someone, you need to date them for a long time to even begin to know who they really are and you also need time to date to go through hard patches to make sure you can work through hard times as a couple - this all happens with TIME. K - you didn't do anything wrong. You weren't ready. And at your age, you are mature enough to realize that a relationship needs a foundation to build on first which is what you were doing. You shouldn't have a set-time-frame to get married, and if anyone pressures you to do so, you need to think long and hard about WHY they are pressuring you. Because no one should be rushing down the aisle - whats the point? If she didn't stick around - ring or not - she wasn't right for you. I'm a woman. If I wanted to be with someone, would I care whether or not I had a ring to show for it in three short years? NO. I'd still be with them regardless! Think of it this way - lets say a couple is married for 30 years, does it matter if he guy proposed in three years or in five years? NO, they stay together for the long haul regardless. She didn't. She put conditions on your relationship - the love was conditional. Edited November 22, 2015 by SunlightJune 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 There's the cultural thing-- She's Thai, and there was tremendous pressure from her family and society. She was hurt when I didn't commit decisively. But I ultimately feel very much lied to and betrayed. Of course she has the right to get married, but never to have answered my letter hurts beyond imagination. That said, I communicated to her in very strong and clear ways that a commitment was on the horizon. She and her family seem to have decided that my promise had no credibility, and that there was a better horse to bet on. This is beyond excruciating. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 There must have been a reason that you did not feel committed to her, why the most you could feel was, “I will commit to you later.” You’re saying you’re sorry you didn’t, but I think the question is, why didn’t you? Rather than get angry with yourself for not having done so, accept that you had a reason. It might not even have anything to do with her, which might make you feel better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 Yes, we can cite my fears of intimacy, which I think are real. But in this cross cultural instance of a vast gulf of tradition, education, and wealth, I was on the short end of the learning curve. I wish I went with her on that very first outing to see her parents. it was ball-less of me to back out of it. I should have married that woman two years ago. Hesitate for what?? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Obviously 46 isn't too old. 43, 44, and 45 weren't too old and it is only because of your own failure to close that she left. Don't blame age. Live and learn. Next time, go for what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted November 22, 2015 Author Share Posted November 22, 2015 The question is, why didn’t you? Rather than get angry with yourself for not having done so, accept that you had a reason. It nagged at me that she was maybe not so much in love WITH ME as she found me "good enough." A fine marriage vehicle to check the boxes. There was a gulf of education, language, and communication. I wanted to be certain we all understood each other. And, I was knock-kneed about any lifelong engagement. So I froze. I was a damn fool. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 There's the cultural thing-- She's Thai, and there was tremendous pressure from her family and society. She was hurt when I didn't commit decisively. But I ultimately feel very much lied to and betrayed. Of course she has the right to get married, but never to have answered my letter hurts beyond imagination. That said, I communicated to her in very strong and clear ways that a commitment was on the horizon. She and her family seem to have decided that my promise had no credibility, and that there was a better horse to bet on. This is beyond excruciating. Im not sure if u know this but I was in an LDR with a Thai woman for 9 years. And guess what, after all that time I never met her parents and we never got married.... and I have similar questions that you have. Did she actually ask you to get married and did she ask you to visit her family? In my case, in the fist say 3 years of the relationship she would talk of her village etc but she would always say she couldn't take to her village until we were married etc because in their culture if they bring a 2nd man to their village, they are essentially disgraced. One time about 2 years into the relationship I almost jumped on to a bus with her to see her family but she had conveniently chosen a day 2 days b4 my flight back home. 10 hour plus bus trip, was never gonna happen. After that one time, the idea of meeting her family was discussed lot less and I certainly never got anywhere near a bus again It certainly a tough proposition, to be faced with a situation where you need to commit to somoene 100 percent even before you have met their family. Well thats the Thai culture and is certainly against the Western way of thinking. I will never really know how serious she was about marriage. Post breakup she asked em why I dint propose, hinting that she would have like to been married in the first 3 or 4 years of the relationship. But a lot of people like my parents who know the situation well tend to think this comment was more about making herself feel better after ending the relationship. Sure I could have driven my ship better. I probably should have grabbed her by the ears back then and demanded I meet her parents. But..... there must have been some reasons for my hesitations......I mean I went to Thailand like 12 - 15 times or so, made the effort to be there and yet she didn't really try to get me up there. Maybe that's what made me hesitate. She never really boosted my ego in the relationship. Me seeing her family should have been a big ego boost for me but she would handle it in a way where there was zero ego boost.... and sometimes we need a bit of ego to drive us forwards. At the end of the day, only she knows what was in her mind. And if she never said things based on pride, her culture , or her ego..... well that's on her and thus I can't take all the blame. Link to post Share on other sites
Heatherknows Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 It nagged at me that she was maybe not so much in love WITH ME as she found me "good enough." A fine marriage vehicle to check the boxes. There was a gulf of education, language, and communication. I wanted to be certain we all understood each other. And, I was knock-kneed about any lifelong engagement. So I froze. I was a damn fool. How old was she? Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 I am a decade younger than you and a male friend of mine told me i have 5 years left until no one will want me. So who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 It nagged at me that she was maybe not so much in love WITH ME as she found me "good enough." A fine marriage vehicle to check the boxes. There was a gulf of education, language, and communication. I wanted to be certain we all understood each other. And, I was knock-kneed about any lifelong engagement. So I froze. I was a damn fool. In 2 years (let alone 3), it should be abundantly clear if she is in love with you or not. Maybe she wasn't, and that is what your gut was telling you. Maybe she is in love with this other guy, hence the progress. Link to post Share on other sites
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