I'm 46. Am I screwed.

[K2z]

You see, its a lose-lose game. You stay silent, she thinks you hate her, you say something you will end up losing face.

 

Hate is off the table. This is how I signed my final email to her:

 

---

 

You keep saying “don’t hate me.” Do you think that is even possible for me? You know very well my life and my heart have been yours for a long time. I love you with my whole heart. I have tried to show you in so many different ways. What we have had is a big sad problem of communicating with each other. I don’t know how you can ask to be friends, and I don’t know

 

how you can keep signing your notes with ‘prik nam pla’, because you know that was the way I first told you that I loved you.

 

---

 

 

 

(When I wrote her my very first cards after we met, I would sign it 'prik nam pla, K2z'. Same meaning as 'Love, K2z.')

[nerdlingZA]

I am 46 also and lost the man I thought would be with me forever. Well I didn't loose him he ran away while I was at work. So I hope to goodness sake that 46 is not too old. It will be a long long long time though before I ever consider dating is the flip side to this.

 

your story seems hilarious and interesting, mind sharing ?

 

 

my mom broke up with my dad at the age of 30! shes 46 now has been single for 16 years! do the math.

[K2z]

Nerdling, that sounds traumatic. You sound almost happy that Mom has been single for 16 years. Which is somewhat understandable, all things being equal.

[nerdlingZA]

Nerdling, that sounds traumatic. You sound almost happy that Mom has been single for 16 years. Which is somewhat understandable, all things being equal.

 

I think its traumatic too but she has gotten used to it now and the fact that she lives with me and her mom (my granny) has made her keep moving in life.

[K2z]

I sent it to her. In Thai and English, in one document.

 

 

I added one final sentence. The last sentence in the letter is "These are my final words to you." I think that's the sentence that tipped the balance toward me sending the note.

 

 

Signed my full name, just like she did when she broke it months ago.

 

 

And something has shifted in me. In a way that could possibly called positive. Possibly connected to the letter, possibly not. There's a certain freedom that ultimately arrives with being totally freakin screwed over.

 

 

Have you ever seen the documentary "Chasing Ice?" It's these guys who are trying to make a timelapse video of the polar ice caps receding, to show global warming. And they capture what they say is the world's biggest ever recorded "calving" event... meaning when a glacier "calves" off a huge chunk of ice into the water as it melts.

 

 

That seems to be what has happened inside me in recent days. A calving event. A huge chunk of ice has broken off and submerged in the salt water.

 

 

I went out of town for the weekend. I am staying in a shared guest house 6 floors directly above and overlooking a great beach. The kitchen is wonderful and my cooking enthusiast friend and I are making things left and right... she has essentially established a mini-restaurant here in terms of ingredients. Our fellow guests here are three breathtakingly beautiful young women. Things could be worse. But my point is that the change of venue has been utterly soothing. I've got to get out of my apartment, which is a god damned haunted graveyard of broken hopes.

 

 

I'm babysitting a friend's cute and sweet dog. That's also nice.

 

 

 

Once or twice a day, a monsoon of tears comes. I do not know why. I suppose the best comparison would be aftershocks after an earthquake. It just erupts.

[marky00]

That took some guts.

 

That "final words" thing definitely puts it in your favour because u deny her a response and it doesn't make it look like you are pleading.

 

She may be tempted to reply but she probably won't since she knows you wont reply back.