Why this continues to happen to me???

[brokengirl85]

Are the pictures you have up really deceiving? That's kind of a big deal in online dating. But then, if you posted something you know is deceiving, that means you are not happy with how you really look.

 

No, not deceiving. They're not photoshopped. I did put up my best pictures, that's for sure.

The first doctor told me I looked exactly like my pictures and that I was one of the most beautiful women there. Who knows??

 

Maybe I should upload some ugly pictures, so they have a more favorable impression when they actually meet me

[brokengirl85]

OP, the answer to your stated query was found in Expat's post (#9).

 

Don't know why you glossed over it, since you did want to know what was causing the trouble, but instead have chosen to concentrate on 'what is wrong with all the guys' you're choosing to date.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

I don't understand your post, but I'll get back to expats replies. Thanks

[Maggie4]

No, not deceiving. They're not photoshopped. I did put up my best pictures, that's for sure.

The first doctor told me I looked exactly like my pictures and that I was one of the most beautiful women there. Who knows??

 

Maybe I should upload some ugly pictures, so they have a more favorable impression when they actually meet me

 

In your post, you said you feel the pictures were deceiving. So actually you don't THINK you are ugly but you FEEL you are? I don't really understand it. Is it like a mood swing? Maybe you had such a good time on the date, when it ended, you feel let down.

[brokengirl85]

In your post, you said you feel the pictures were deceiving. So actually you don't THINK you are ugly but you FEEL you are? I don't really understand it. Is it like a mood swing? Maybe you had such a good time on the date, when it ended, you feel let down.

 

Yes, I posted my best pictures there. I wonder if it would have been best to post some pictures without makeup...actually I don't think that's a good idea :/

 

Yes, I had a great time and I was sad he didn't text me back last night. If have loved that.

 

It's ok, though. I still had a great date, great dinner, and great kisses. I have a self esteem problem and I over reacted. My guess is I'm too sensitive to rejection, my last dates have not been what I'd have expected, so I'm kinda tired but, well, it's life.

 

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate them

[stillafool]

It seems to be "doctors" that are your problem. Maybe you should ask what they do for a living and if they say "doctor" then pass.

[bluefeather]

I think you're right. The similarity between this doctor and the first one is overwhelmingly significant. How can I change this?

 

I wish I had an easy answer. I have a type of girl I seem to look for too, unconsciously. The way I am trying to work on this is to be more specific in what I desire in a partner. List some very good qualities in a person. If who you're looking at doesn't even come close to them, then you might be able to figure out that that is not the right one.

 

edit: oh and don't beat yourself up over things like this.

[katiegrl]

From your original post:

 

>>>We kissed. I invited him to say goodbye inside my car..

 

Don't do that anymore ...it sends the wrong message...unless you are looking for sex.

 

I am sure he assumed the kissing would escalate in the car, leading to you inviting him over to yours....for sex.

 

Have a nice dinner, kiss him him goodbye (if he initiates)..thank him for dinner, then go home and continue living your life same as before.

 

If he contacts you again, fabulous, if not, so what, it was one meet!

 

IMO, if you already thanked him on your date, no need to thank him again via text afterwards.

 

It's overkill.

 

Lower the expectations.... especially when you meet someone on line, there are a lot of unsavories out there.

 

Relax and stay positive!

 

And seek therapy for your low self-esteem!

 

G'luck!

[Rydo]

I see no problem with this date so I'm not sure why people are telling you to avoid doctors. Or even telling you what went right or wrong on your date because basically the problems are all in your head based on what you wrote.

 

As for sending a thank you text guys like to receive one whether you thanked on the date or not. Really it's just a good excuse to keep in contact with someone to make sure they know you really did enjoy yourself and weren't just being polite to their face.

[brokengirl85]

It seems to be "doctors" that are your problem. Maybe you should ask what they do for a living and if they say "doctor" then pass.

 

you're completely right!! and I was oh so enjoying the date! I told him about a cat scan I had two months ago. Maybe I shouldn't had told him that...damn!

[brokengirl85]

From your original post:

 

>>>We kissed. I invited him to say goodbye inside my car..

 

Don't do that anymore ...it sends the wrong message...unless you are looking for sex.

 

I am sure he assumed the kissing would escalate in the car, leading to you inviting him over to yours....for sex.

 

Have a nice dinner, kiss him him goodbye (if he initiates)..thank him for dinner, then go home and continue living your life same as before.

 

If he contacts you again, fabulous, if not, so what, it was one meet!

 

IMO, if you already thanked him on your date, no need to thank him again via text afterwards.

 

It's overkill.

 

Lower the expectations.... especially when you meet someone on line, there are a lot of unsavories out there.

 

Relax and stay positive!

 

And seek therapy for your low self-esteem!

 

G'luck!

 

i'll completely follow your advice of not inviting the guy to my car. It's just I really enjoyed kissing him, and I wanted more. But I was sweet, our kisses were sweet...

I made some mistakes, that's for sure.

 

Yes, I thanked him two times. I also offered to share the bill twice and he insisted not to. I think I was polite, I listened with attention, I asked questions, I was funny and sweet. I was honestly interested in this guy!

Maybe I shouldn't had been THAT honest, as to talk about a cat scan I had, but ok, I guess I've learned my lesson.

Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciated it

[brokengirl85]

I see no problem with this date so I'm not sure why people are telling you to avoid doctors. Or even telling you what went right or wrong on your date because basically the problems are all in your head based on what you wrote.

 

As for sending a thank you text guys like to receive one whether you thanked on the date or not. Really it's just a good excuse to keep in contact with someone to make sure they know you really did enjoy yourself and weren't just being polite to their face.

 

But I think if the guy is at least interested, he should keep the contact going. I gave him straight signs I was REALLY into him. I don't want to sound over desperate.

I understand if he decided not to continue contacting me. Maybe I'm not his type at all, who knows. I'm just taking this easy now, it was a good date indeed, and I was happy, so no worries..

[brokengirl85]

He just sent me a text. I'm honestly surprised, after posting here, and chatting with all of you, I kinda accepted I was not going to hear from him again, and I was kinda ok with that.

 

So, he texted me he hoped I was enjoying my Sunday, thanking me for a great dinner, and telling me he'd like to meet me again if I'm ok with that. Then he finishes with "have a great rest of the weekend"

 

I know I may sound naive, but I really don't know what to reply, what should I text him next? I don't want to make anymore mistakes from now on.

[katiegrl]

He just sent me a text. I'm honestly surprised, after posting here, and chatting with all of you, I kinda accepted I was not going to hear from him again, and I was kinda ok with that.

 

So, he texted me he hoped I was enjoying my Sunday, thanking me for a great dinner, and telling me he'd like to meet me again if I'm ok with that. Then he finishes with "have a great rest of the weekend"

 

I know I may sound naive, but I really don't know what to reply, what should I text him next? I don't want to make anymore mistakes from now on.

 

Sweetie, read my post again....the second half.

 

He initiated contact, this is a GOOD thing! He is interested!

 

So text him back that you would love to see him again ... and wish him a great day as well.

 

On your next date, stay out of the car! LOL. Maintain boundaries and don't send mixed messages, sexual or otherwise.

 

Continue dating, keep it fun, light and breezy ...no heavy conversations! About your health, cat scans, ex's, etc.

 

Stay positive!

 

Keep us posted!

Edited November 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Maggie4]

You really can't be too sensitive when online dating :-(

[smackie9]

There is so much opportunity to meet someone you like more than your last date with OLD....it's a possibility that this is what happened. A guy like him has the pick of the crop.

 

I agree it comes with experience, ....to be able to read and assess their words, body language, behavior, etc. It's tricky, but it can be learned.....just need to keep your emotions in check or it will cloud your better judgement.

[brokengirl85]

There is so much opportunity to meet someone you like more than your last date with OLD....it's a possibility that this is what happened. A guy like him has the pick of the crop.

 

I agree it comes with experience, ....to be able to read and assess their words, body language, behavior, etc. It's tricky, but it can be learned.....just need to keep your emotions in check or it will cloud your better judgement.

 

Yes, I do think so too. I tend to like guys who are way beyond my league. Maybe because I do think I'm super special and gorgeous so I don't like the majority of the guys who contact me.

 

In fact, I like to pick the guys myself and initiate contact. I find it interesting.

I'm having trouble lowering my standards, because so far, my last relationships have been with guys that were very handsome.

[Qboro90]

Yes, I do think so too. I tend to like guys who are way beyond my league. Maybe because I do think I'm super special and gorgeous so I don't like the majority of the guys who contact me.

 

In fact, I like to pick the guys myself and initiate contact. I find it interesting.

I'm having trouble lowering my standards, because so far, my last relationships have been with guys that were very handsome.

 

It seems like you tend to go to the extremes as far as emotional roller coaster type thinking. You said that you've felt ugly and unworthy after dates with these guys and then in this post you say that you think you're super special and gorgeous and prefer going after guys who you consider "out of your league".

 

First of "your league" is a complete projection of your own worth and what you can achieve. It's not necessarily true in any way and will just limit and prohibits you from making valuable connections with people if you constantly are sorting guys into "is he challenging enough, or handsome enough, or successful enough" to be worth my time. If you feel an attraction or interest when seeing or talking to them, that's all you need to know. Proceed and explore.

 

Also... Can you see how you let yourself go through this incredible sense of self doubt and "omg I thought the date went good, I liked him but he didn't ask for a second date after and now I think I'm the worst. I did this wrong, or I did that wrong.. Shouldn't have said this about a CT scan, or shouldn't have kissed him in my car. Etc".

 

Only to find out that a day or two later, the guy hits you up and says something very nice about enjoying the date and expressing he wants to see you again. So you really need to see how you completely panicked and started overanalyzing and over criticizing everything about you and the date... And literally, turned all of that upside down as soon as he texted today. Because just as I suspected, the date went well, and he was going to ask to see you again.

 

And if you had sent a follow up "thanks for dinner, I had fun last night" yesterday as I suggested and others here have, this guy would've calmed your nerves a day in advance and told you he felt the same and wants to see you again. Just because some lady who wrote a book told you that you shouldn't do so, doesn't mean she's relationship Jesus who knows everything. I'm a guy and I'm telling you that even if a girl thanks me during the date, I would consider it rude if she didn't at least send a text after I dropped her off or the next day to let me know she had a good time.

 

Sometimes you say that you like going after and initiating contact with the guys you want. Yet contradict yourself when you refuse to do something so minuscule that will just continue the after date contact and give the guy a little reassurance that you had fun and he can ask to see you again. In no way does it reveal too much or make you sound desperate or overly clingy. If you're not desperate and overly clingy then that will never be a problem. If you're the type of girl who can come off that way and overthinks and reads too much into things, then trust me, it's going to eventually show regardless of whether or not you text, or plan everything out ahead of time.

 

Really look at this and realize that you let yourself have self doubt and got unhappy over nothing. The date went well, he likes you and wants to see you again, you didn say or do anything wrong and don't need to pick apart everything going forward.

 

"Yea I had fun too, glad you thought so. Just having a lazy Sunday(or if you wanna appear social you can say you went to brunch with friends)." Then say "I usually work till 5/6 during the week so not sure what your schedule is. If you wanna do something next fri or Saturday lemme kno :)"

[katiegrl]

Qboro...great post ....except.......

 

How many times do you need to be thanked for heaven's sake?

 

I mean, assuming we connected, there was major kissing ...and as we were parting ways, I leaned in close to you, looked straight into eyes, thanked you for dinner, told you I had an awesome time ....

 

...you would deem me rude because I did not text you after the date to thank you again?

 

Seems a bit much, but whatever you need I suppose...

 

Personally, after a great date like that, where there was major chemistry, touching/kissing, and I already thanked him and told him what an amazing time I had ....I always found it prudent to let the date "marinate" a bit, giving us both a chance to gather our wits (so to speak) and emotionally prepare for what's to come....

 

That is what I have always done and never once had a man deem me "rude" for not texting afterwards and thanking him **again**..

 

In fact, after my first date with my fiance, he appreciated my giving him that *space* to consider the date, his feelings, to determine how he was going to proceed....

 

The only time I would advise a woman to thank him after the date, is if she failed to thank him at the end of the date.... or if her actions were ambiguous, leaving him confused as to how she feels....or whether she was interested in seeing him again.

 

That said, if you feel she's *rude* after she already expressed interest and thanked you, that's your prerogative.

 

I just think it's overkill....

 

Other than that, awesome post!! :)

Edited November 23, 2015 by katiegrl

[Qboro90]

Qboro...great post ....except.......

 

How many times do you need to be thanked for heaven's sake?

 

I mean, assuming we connected, there was major kissing ...and as we were parting ways, I leaned in close to you, looked straight into eyes, thanked you for dinner, told you I had an awesome time ....

 

...you would deem me rude because I did not text you after the date to thank you again?

 

Seems a bit much, but whatever you need I suppose...

 

Personally, after a great date like that, where there was major chemistry, touching/kissing, and I already thanked him and told him what an amazing time I had ....I always found it prudent to let the date "marinate" a bit, giving us both a chance to gather our wits (so to speak) and emotionally prepare for what's to come....

 

That is what I have always done and never once had a man deem me "rude" for not texting afterwards and thanking him **again**..

 

In fact, after my first date with my fiance, he appreciated my giving him that *space* to consider the date, his feelings, to determine how he was going to proceed....

 

The only time I would advise a woman to thank him after the date, is if she failed to thank him at the end of the date.... or if her actions were ambiguous, leaving him confused as to how she feels....or whether she was interested in seeing him again.

 

That said, if you feel she's *rude* after she already expressed interest and thanked you, that's your prerogative.

 

I just think it's overkill....

 

Other than that, awesome post!! :)

 

 

Thank you, and i get what you're saying. What my intention of the day after or post date thank you text was... Was to mean if the girl just says it off key during dessert or "thanks for dinner btw" when I drop her off. That a follow up text later that night it the following day is nice to hear and appreciated.

 

I'm not saying it has to be a "thank you" text or beat into my head. Just something like "hey, I had a nice time last night" or just something to let him know it was appreciated goes a long way... With me at least . I'm not looking to be made to feel like a hero... But if I put the effort into finding a place that I think you'd enjoy, picking you up, bringing flowers (usually do this if she's someone I like a lot), open her door, pay for dinner , etc" then yea, I like for the niceness and appreciation to be communicated the next day.

 

More so for the reason that I know any girl is gonna say thank you, this was fun on the night of the date. However if the girl doesn't wanna see me again, she's not going to send a text the next day. The follow up text is just a "you can proceed with asking me out again, giving you the go ahead to do so" ... What she says doesn't matter. It's the meaning behind the text that lets me know I'm not spinning my wheels for a date #2.

[brokengirl85]

Thank you, and i get what you're saying. What my intention of the day after or post date thank you text was... Was to mean if the girl just says it off key during dessert or "thanks for dinner btw" when I drop her off. That a follow up text later that night it the following day is nice to hear and appreciated.

 

I'm not saying it has to be a "thank you" text or beat into my head. Just something like "hey, I had a nice time last night" or just something to let him know it was appreciated goes a long way... With me at least . I'm not looking to be made to feel like a hero... But if I put the effort into finding a place that I think you'd enjoy, picking you up, bringing flowers (usually do this if she's someone I like a lot), open her door, pay for dinner , etc" then yea, I like for the niceness and appreciation to be communicated the next day.

 

More so for the reason that I know any girl is gonna say thank you, this was fun on the night of the date. However if the girl doesn't wanna see me again, she's not going to send a text the next day. The follow up text is just a "you can proceed with asking me out again, giving you the go ahead to do so" ... What she says doesn't matter. It's the meaning behind the text that lets me know I'm not spinning my wheels for a date #2.

 

See how many times I thanked him during our date:

 

-when he paid for our dinner. I thanked him

-When he paid for our wine at the wine bar. I thanked him

-Walking to the car. I thanked him again for our wonderful date

-Inside my car, before and after kissing, I said to him I really enjoyed our date.

 

Honestly, how many times does a man need to acknowledge I am thankful, indeed??

[ravfour4]

You seem extremely confident and bubbly now when not long ago you felt terrible and were panicking. I feel the same in relationships sometimes (I'm a guy though FYI), I think we both need to just relax and not have such high or low expectations. No expectations and no fear.

[brokengirl85]

I already replied, about 20 minutes later his text, THANKING HIM again for our great date and expressing my interest in meeting him again.

 

Guys, I think I'm doing what I can to let him know I AM INTO HIM. Now it's his job to propose a second date. I don't want to look that desperate either!

I myself contacted him on okcupid first, gave him my number, he changed our date from tuesday to Saturday and I accepted! What else?

 

I honestly think I've done enough. I know he's a doctor, and handsome, and whatever, but I have my life as well.

 

Oh, Qboro90, I couldn't agree more with you in that my self-esteem is really low and I often rely in other's point of view to feel good or bad. I need to change this!

 

BTW, we are both online in okcupid now. I'll love to chat with him, honestly, I cannot get him out of my mind now, but I just can't text him to chat!

[katiegrl]

Thank you, and i get what you're saying. What my intention of the day after or post date thank you text was... Was to mean if the girl just says it off key during dessert or "thanks for dinner btw" when I drop her off. That a follow up text later that night it the following day is nice to hear and appreciated.

 

I'm not saying it has to be a "thank you" text or beat into my head. Just something like "hey, I had a nice time last night" or just something to let him know it was appreciated goes a long way... With me at least . I'm not looking to be made to feel like a hero... But if I put the effort into finding a place that I think you'd enjoy, picking you up, bringing flowers (usually do this if she's someone I like a lot), open her door, pay for dinner , etc" then yea, I like for the niceness and appreciation to be communicated the next day.

 

More so for the reason that I know any girl is gonna say thank you, this was fun on the night of the date. However if the girl doesn't wanna see me again, she's not going to send a text the next day.

 

-----

 

 

 

**The follow up text is just a "you can proceed with asking me out again, giving you the go ahead to do so" ... What she says doesn't matter. It's the meaning behind the text that lets me know I'm not spinning my wheels for a date #2***.

 

^^Fair enough ....however for me (someone who never dated casually and if we did not connect on the first date, there would not be a second) ..... if we *did* connect and the date was awesome, it was pretty darn obvious to both of us during the date (and at the end) that there was gonna be a second!

 

Never left a guy questioning that ...which is why I never felt compelled to send a text the next day thanking him again.

 

Considering how well we connected, frankly it just would have seemed rather silly (and overkill) since he obviously knew something special just happened ...and how I felt ..how we both felt!

 

But I think the way I dated was not the norm for most people, as many folks often don't know how they feel after the first date, send mixed messages (unintentionally) leaving the other person confused, insecure and off balance ......just like the OP felt after her date.

 

So in that sense, I DO get what you're saying...it makes a lot of sense.

 

Thanks for clarifying!

[Rydo]

See how many times I thanked him during our date:

 

-when he paid for our dinner. I thanked him

-When he paid for our wine at the wine bar. I thanked him

-Walking to the car. I thanked him again for our wonderful date

-Inside my car, before and after kissing, I said to him I really enjoyed our date.

 

Honestly, how many times does a man need to acknowledge I am thankful, indeed??

 

5... But seriously we are only giving advice to avoid you overthinking a date. Take it, don't take it. It's your call. I guess being a guy who has dated a fair bit still makes me slightly less of an expert on what guys want than some woman that wrote a book though

[Maxtor]

Maybe put a more accurate picture of yourself?

 

Some people are ugly in photos and good looking in real life, others are on the other side of the spectrum.

 

Of coure, then we have the all beautifull all the time.