They broke up and we're together. But I can't let the past go?

[Sunnycloud]

So I've been seeing this guy for four months, and by seeing I mean talking all day, seeing each other 5+ times a week, multiple holidays together. So it got 'serious' fast apart from the fact he had a girlfriend. I was friends with him before and in love with him before we even started the affair (which complicates things), and he was in an essentially dead relationship he was dragging out, but he stayed with her until he finally broke up with her a couple of weeks ago. She moved out pretty much immediately.

 

He seems incredibly relieved it's over, very happy to be with me, and very remorseful of what he put me through. He has taken plenty of measures to be as open and honest as possible and to make it so that I can trust he won't do this to me, too, and is willing to do whatever it takes so we can move past this.

 

I, however, am struggling to move on from the resentment of the pain he caused me (and knew he was causing me) during the last month or two of the affair. It's childish but I guess I resent that he got off pretty much consequence free whereas I had to suffer all those months it took him. I also feel incredibly guilty about what I've done. I'm well aware this is the bed I've laid for myself. I very much want to just move on from this and just be happy with him. But I just don't know how. I guess I thought I'd be happy when they broke up, but it feels like it's not enough somehow.

 

How do I move on from this mentally? I know it's still early. Does it just take time? He says he's fine with whatever I ask for trust-wise, is there anything I should be doing to help me move on from it? Also, how soon can we actually start telling people about us being together? I don't know how long we should wait. I'm impatient but I don't want his friends to dislike me or to stir up suspicions. I guess I'm frustrated we still can't quite be 'normal'. Any advice is very much appreciated.

[Lois_Griffin]

He has taken plenty of measures to be as open and honest as possible and to make it so that I can trust he won't do this to me, too, and is willing to do whatever it takes so we can move past this.

Unfortunately, you saw what he's capable of doing to someone he was living with and had committed himself to - regardless of how bad that relationship may have been. Essentially, he went out and found a replacement for her before he broke up with her. You've already seen he's more than capable of doing it to a woman, so his promises of not doing it to YOU one day are pretty hollow, at best.

 

I, however, am struggling to move on from the resentment of the pain he caused me (and knew he was causing me) during the last month or two of the affair. It's childish but I guess I resent that he got off pretty much consequence free whereas I had to suffer all those months it took him.

Suffered from what? You chose to be with someone who was clearly committed to someone else and had a separate life from the one he had from you. Breakups don't happen overnight. Jeez, it was only a couple of months. Read around here and you'll see there are some OW who have been waiting for YEARS.

I also feel incredibly guilty about what I've done. I'm well aware this is the bed I've laid for myself. I very much want to just move on from this and just be happy with him. But I just don't know how. I guess I thought I'd be happy when they broke up, but it feels like it's not enough somehow.

I'm not going to lie and pat you on the back and tell you it was perfectly acceptable because we both know it clearly wasn't. It's just something you're going to have to learn to live with and eventually forgive yourself for.

Also, how soon can we actually start telling people about us being together? I don't know how long we should wait. I'm impatient but I don't want his friends to dislike me or to stir up suspicions. I guess I'm frustrated we still can't quite be 'normal'. Any advice is very much appreciated.

I'd keep tings on the down low for a couple of months. No sense humiliating his ex by him showing up with a new girlfriend 12 minutes after she moved out.

[minimariah]

did you think about getting professional counseling for the two of you? just a couple of sessions to get some straight professional advice to push you in the right direction.

 

communication is important - tell him how you feel and what EXACTLY is bothering you... like, describe those feelings to him in great detail and tell him every single thing that he did or didn't do and that made you feel bad. i think you need the time to work through those negative feelings and once you take off as a real couple and build a normal and trusting relationship - thing should become solid.

 

also - i wouldn't wait at all to come out as a couple. chances are - no matter WHEN you come out... people will assume that he dumped her for you. and his friends should be happy for HIM if he is happy with you - no matter what.

 

question - was it yours or his idea to keep it low for some time? i think, if it was his idea - then he is, again, making you feel like a dirty little secret and it might be what's keeping you from moving on. keeping it a secret for a longer period of time will only build up your already existing resentment.

 

so my advice - go official. you don't have to rub it in everyone's face, but you can tell people that you're dating. if you want to keep the affair secret - just tell the others that you started after he broke up with his girlfriend... will they buy it? that's another story.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[casey.lives]

Put it all behind you and focus on the now. Try and treat it as you would any other relationship. Put the past behind. He's yours and your his and it all worked out.

[whichwayisup]

Do counseling to help you get over it and cope with it better. some of that anger should be directed at yourself as you knew by getting involved with someone you knew had a gf already so it's not like he lied to you about that. Affairs hurt everybody, so once you own your part in it, forgive yourself and him. Rebuild a new relationship built on honesty, respect and openness. Affair dynamics have to die off and new healthier dynamics between you two have to be built. If you can't do this, your R with him is doomed.

[Sunnycloud]

did you think about getting professional counseling for the two of you? just a couple of sessions to get some straight professional advice to push you in the right direction.

 

communication is important - tell him how you feel and what EXACTLY is bothering you... like, describe those feelings to him in great detail and tell him every single thing that he did or didn't do and that made you feel bad. i think you need the time to work through those negative feelings and once you take off as a real couple and build a normal and trusting relationship - thing should become solid.

 

also - i wouldn't wait at all to come out as a couple. chances are - no matter WHEN you come out... people will assume that he dumped her for you. and his friends should be happy for HIM if he is happy with you - no matter what.

 

question - was it yours or his idea to keep it low for some time? i think, if it was his idea - then he is, again, making you feel like a dirty little secret and it might be what's keeping you from moving on. keeping it a secret for a longer period of time will only build up your already existing resentment.

 

so my advice - go official. you don't have to rub it in everyone's face, but you can tell people that you're dating. if you want to keep the affair secret - just tell the others that you started after he broke up with his girlfriend... will they buy it? that's another story.

 

Thank you, minimariah. Your advice turned out to be correct in my previous thread so you seem to know what you're talking about. I haven't told him any of the negative feelings yet, I've just been trying to keep them down. I think you're right that I should talk to him about them. That's what I think, too, that it will be obvious there was something going on no matter how we do it.

 

He wants to keep it only from the friends of his who are friendly with his ex. He has no problem telling our other mutual friends and my friends. But he thinks it will cause unnecessary fuss if his ex finds out we are together so soon and is worried it will cause issues with those friends getting along with me/him going forwards if they suspect it was before. I highly doubt they'll buy it regardless of when we tell them, though. I agree that it's building my resentment but I think he has a point. Do you think I should just suck it up and wait on the case of those friends?

[Sunnycloud]

Unfortunately, you saw what he's capable of doing to someone he was living with and had committed himself to - regardless of how bad that relationship may have been. Essentially, he went out and found a replacement for her before he broke up with her. You've already seen he's more than capable of doing it to a woman, so his promises of not doing it to YOU one day are pretty hollow, at best.

 

 

Suffered from what? You chose to be with someone who was clearly committed to someone else and had a separate life from the one he had from you. Breakups don't happen overnight. Jeez, it was only a couple of months. Read around here and you'll see there are some OW who have been waiting for YEARS.

 

I'm not going to lie and pat you on the back and tell you it was perfectly acceptable because we both know it clearly wasn't. It's just something you're going to have to learn to live with and eventually forgive yourself for.

 

I'd keep tings on the down low for a couple of months. No sense humiliating his ex by him showing up with a new girlfriend 12 minutes after she moved out.

 

Exactly, the first part is what I have a problem with. I don't know how to move past knowing that he is capable of that or how to trust he won't do it again. He's willing to do whatever. I just don't know what will actually help with building the trust back up.

[goodyblue]

We didn't really have these issues but we did some therapy when he left his ex and it was really helpful. We definitely had to forgive ourselves and one another for the stupid things we did and learn to let the past be the past. Going from an affair to an open relationship can be difficult. I hope you find a way around it and take heart in the fact that he is willing to be an open book for you.

[stillafool]

 

He wants to keep it only from the friends of his who are friendly with his ex. He has no problem telling our other mutual friends and my friends. But he thinks it will cause unnecessary fuss if his ex finds out we are together so soon and is worried it will cause issues with those friends getting along with me/him going forwards if they suspect it was before.

 

I don't see any reason to wait to tell these friends. Apparently his ex doesn't know the real truth as to why he broke up with her which was to be with you. I think she deserves to know the real truth behind the breakup as it will help her push forward with her healing. What did he tell her was the reason he was breaking up with her? I don't think that the friends are going to believe for one minute that he just met you after he broke up with her. If he loves you he should make sure everyone knows the real truth and deal with it like a man.

[lana-banana]

So I've been seeing this guy for four months, and by seeing I mean talking all day, seeing each other 5+ times a week, multiple holidays together. So it got 'serious' fast apart from the fact he had a girlfriend.

 

A couple of questions: were you physically intimate? How did his girlfriend not know he was on holidays with another woman? Did she know he was cheating at all? Why did he drag out the breakup?

 

Thinking about all this just leads me to more questions, both for the OP and everyone else in this thread. What is the difference among:

 

- leaving A for B without cheating

- leaving A for B immediately after a hot kiss in a dimly lit bar

- leaving A for B after a four-month affair

 

My knee-jerk reaction is that the third is the worst because it seems to involved prolonged, repeated deception, when it seems like the respectable thing to do is leave as soon as you realize you want to be with someone else. But is that true? I know there are posters who think forming any kind of emotional connection to another person is cheating just as much as a physical affair, so maybe they're all terrible?

 

I, however, am struggling to move on from the resentment of the pain he caused me (and knew he was causing me) during the last month or two of the affair. It's childish but I guess I resent that he got off pretty much consequence free whereas I had to suffer all those months it took him. I also feel incredibly guilty about what I've done. I'm well aware this is the bed I've laid for myself. I very much want to just move on from this and just be happy with him. But I just don't know how. I guess I thought I'd be happy when they broke up, but it feels like it's not enough somehow.

 

How do I move on from this mentally? I know it's still early. Does it just take time? He says he's fine with whatever I ask for trust-wise, is there anything I should be doing to help me move on from it? Also, how soon can we actually start telling people about us being together? I don't know how long we should wait. I'm impatient but I don't want his friends to dislike me or to stir up suspicions. I guess I'm frustrated we still can't quite be 'normal'. Any advice is very much appreciated.

 

Counseling is a must. Few things will poison a relationship faster than resentment. I think you should also explore what took him so long to break up with her. Why couldn't he do it once he decided he wanted to be with you? What was he afraid of? Are you worried he might display that kind of passivity and (sorry) cowardice in future circumstances?

 

I suggest you pay close attention to his actions and ask him to help you cope with your resentment. Trust him as far as his actions allow. If he continues to be loving, open and honest, you should be more encouraged about moving forward. Don't worry about being a normal couple just yet. You definitely don't want the extra stress and scrutiny his friends would bring at this stage. Use the time to get to know each other.

 

My boyfriend left his girlfriend of ~4 years to be with me; we didn't cheat or have an affair, but we were obviously interested in each other while they were still together. The first few months were a bit rough because his ex couldn't immediately move out, and then when she finally did they still had to meet up occasionally to sort out their belongings, etc, and he was similarly uncomfortable introducing me to his friends in the first few months. We didn't "come out" to them until about four months later. I remember hating the feeling of being on the down-low but I also didn't want him to parade me around while his ex was still in town.

 

As much as it sucked at the time---and it sucked, a lot---it ended up being good for us. In those first few months we spent most of our time together, by ourselves, rather than going out in big groups. We used the time to communicate and keep close track of our emotional well-being. He was open with me about everything and went to amazing efforts to separate his feelings about the breakup from his feelings for me. Meanwhile, I was terrified that things weren't going to work out, and we worked through that anxiety together. By the time he did formally introduce me to his friends I felt like we had started to lay the foundations for a good relationship, and we both felt good about meeting them as a couple.

 

His friends have welcomed me with open arms. I am sure some of them have suspicions that we were cheating, but it's not like I can say or do anything to change that. But many of his friends have told me how much happier he is now that we're together and out of that relationship. And his ex seems much happier with her new guy, too.

[Sunnycloud]

I don't see any reason to wait to tell these friends. Apparently his ex doesn't know the real truth as to why he broke up with her which was to be with you. I think she deserves to know the real truth behind the breakup as it will help her push forward with her healing. What did he tell her was the reason he was breaking up with her? I don't think that the friends are going to believe for one minute that he just met you after he broke up with her. If he loves you he should make sure everyone knows the real truth and deal with it like a man.

 

He told her the other issues in the relationship were the reason - the dead bedroom, how controlling she was, the fact they never spent any time together, that she was using him to support her financially. I don't think they'll believe it either. Do you think I should ask him to be honest with them?

[Sunnycloud]

A couple of questions: were you physically intimate? How did his girlfriend not know he was on holidays with another woman? Did she know he was cheating at all? Why did he drag out the breakup?

 

Thinking about all this just leads me to more questions, both for the OP and everyone else in this thread. What is the difference among:

 

- leaving A for B without cheating

- leaving A for B immediately after a hot kiss in a dimly lit bar

- leaving A for B after a four-month affair

 

My knee-jerk reaction is that the third is the worst because it seems to involved prolonged, repeated deception, when it seems like the respectable thing to do is leave as soon as you realize you want to be with someone else. But is that true? I know there are posters who think forming any kind of emotional connection to another person is cheating just as much as a physical affair, so maybe they're all terrible?

 

 

 

Counseling is a must. Few things will poison a relationship faster than resentment. I think you should also explore what took him so long to break up with her. Why couldn't he do it once he decided he wanted to be with you? What was he afraid of? Are you worried he might display that kind of passivity and (sorry) cowardice in future circumstances?

 

I suggest you pay close attention to his actions and ask him to help you cope with your resentment. Trust him as far as his actions allow. If he continues to be loving, open and honest, you should be more encouraged about moving forward. Don't worry about being a normal couple just yet. You definitely don't want the extra stress and scrutiny his friends would bring at this stage. Use the time to get to know each other.

 

My boyfriend left his girlfriend of ~4 years to be with me; we didn't cheat or have an affair, but we were obviously interested in each other while they were still together. The first few months were a bit rough because his ex couldn't immediately move out, and then when she finally did they still had to meet up occasionally to sort out their belongings, etc, and he was similarly uncomfortable introducing me to his friends in the first few months. We didn't "come out" to them until about four months later. I remember hating the feeling of being on the down-low but I also didn't want him to parade me around while his ex was still in town.

 

As much as it sucked at the time---and it sucked, a lot---it ended up being good for us. In those first few months we spent most of our time together, by ourselves, rather than going out in big groups. We used the time to communicate and keep close track of our emotional well-being. He was open with me about everything and went to amazing efforts to separate his feelings about the breakup from his feelings for me. Meanwhile, I was terrified that things weren't going to work out, and we worked through that anxiety together. By the time he did formally introduce me to his friends I felt like we had started to lay the foundations for a good relationship, and we both felt good about meeting them as a couple.

 

His friends have welcomed me with open arms. I am sure some of them have suspicions that we were cheating, but it's not like I can say or do anything to change that. But many of his friends have told me how much happier he is now that we're together and out of that relationship. And his ex seems much happier with her new guy, too.

 

Yes, we were physically intimate. He had legitimate work trips that he extended a couple of days each end and took me on, so she thought they just lasted longer than they did. She didn't know he was cheating but definitely suspected. I believe he dragged out the break-up due to fear of confrontation/dealing with the upset and fear of change. From the way he was before and after the break-up it certainly wasn't due to feelings for her. He spent a long time miserable in his previous relationship before he broke up with her, so yes, I am worried he will show this sort of behaviour in the future. I'm especially worried he won't tell me about issues for fear of confrontation. I think this is something I should seriously bring up to him, as well as the way I'm feeling resentment-wise.

 

Thank you, your insight helps a lot. I think it would be a good idea not to rush into any introductions until we (well, me) feel on sturdier ground with the relationship. I think I just need to bring up the way I'm feeling to him. I brought up the trust issues and he was very receptive so I hope he'll be the same with this.

[Tayla]

May I inquire of this resentment? How grounded is it when: (a) you willing understood from day one he was in a relationship (b) being secretative did add to your excitement and © in what way was he dishonest with you?

You walked into this thoroughly smittened and willing waited . Did he have you chained ? Or is this a case of I'll hold him accountable for my decisions.?

 

Most people don't walk out in to a pasture and yell at the farmer that they stepped in a cow patty. Accept that ultimately this resentment is away to avoid accountability for staying when it would have been best to allow these two other adults to break ties.

[minimariah]

Exactly, the first part is what I have a problem with. I don't know how to move past knowing that he is capable of that or how to trust he won't do it again. He's willing to do whatever. I just don't know what will actually help with building the trust back up.

 

communicating and being transparent, relying on each other and building from there. maybe he'll end up cheating on you, maybe he won't. why worry about something that MIGHT happen?

 

i personally do not believe in the famous - once a cheater, always a cheater - just because he cheated on her, does not mean that he will cheat on you. if you're happy with him and if you think he is worthy of that risk of getting hurt - then work on the relationship. as you grow, the trust will grow also.

 

things you can do - counseling. figure out why did he cheat instead of simply breaking it off -- especially when the relationship was dead. her stalling isn't an excuse. if he breaks that and recognizes it as a poor coping mechanism - he can learn from that and will handle the issues in your relationship correctly.

 

i think you should tell him how you feel - communicate, that's super important. you're in a relationship now and you're moving forward -- building from the scratch. so have a serious conversation about your expectations, boundaries, feelings, resentment...

 

Do you think I should just suck it up and wait on the case of those friends?

 

no.

 

i think you sucking it up will build up to the resentment you already have and it won't be easy to move on from that. okay... it's reasonable to wait for a month... but i personally wouldn't wait any longer.

 

your boyfriend seems to have a habit - he was in a dead relationship but didn't want to end it because, i assume, he didn't want to hurt his then girlfriend. now he's doing the same thing again - he is procrastinating because he doesn't want to hurt his ex but when does that end...? when does that concern for his ex end...? the truth is, she will probably feel some hurt either way - she won't feel any better if she finds out about the two of you three months from now instead of three weeks from now. he is with you now and your feelings should come first - so if you have a problem with waiting, he should take that into consideration and put you first.

 

the thing with friends -- how many friends does he have...? why being so worried over mutual friends...? besides, if he IS telling other people - those mutual friends will eventually find out from someone and tell her, no? so i honestly don't see the point in NOT making you official. he doesn't need to break the news to others - he just doesn't need to hide you. if they ask him - he should be truthful and tell them about you. if they doesn't - he can keep quiet.

 

mutual friends always end up picking one side - that's how it goes with breaking up, affair or not.

 

so i think he worries about nothing.

 

i understand people wanting to wait but i personally wouldn't. sure, i wouldn't rub it all over my ex's face and i probably would wait for a month or so but i'd introduce my new love with my friends the same way i would if it was a normal relationship. it's really up to the two of you but make sure it is a mutual agreement and a mutual decision, not a "sucking it up" kind of thing. you have to be okay with it, too.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

I think she deserves to know the real truth behind the breakup...

 

if all these reasons are the truth --

 

...the dead bedroom, how controlling she was, the fact they never spent any time together, that she was using him to support her financially.

 

then she does know the real reasons behind the break - up. the affair was a trigger - certainly not a reason.

 

p.s. sorry about typos and wrong grammar and repeated sentences in my previous post! gosh, i hate it when i make mistakes like that and see it too late LOL.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[whichwayisup]

He told her the other issues in the relationship were the reason - the dead bedroom, how controlling she was, the fact they never spent any time together, that she was using him to support her financially. I don't think they'll believe it either. Do you think I should ask him to be honest with them?

 

Wow, so he put it ALL on her, like he was a perfect angel and she did everything wrong. Yes he should be honest and not lie and make it seem like it was/is all HER fault why their relationship failed. He didn't end it until after he was involved with you so that's a flaw on his behalf. I'm sure she's not the devil he's made her out to be.

 

Take it slow and 'date' in a proper way, please don't move in together. He needs time to grieve the loss of his previous relationship and to rid of habits he developed with her as well as being on his own for a bit will benefit you both.

[anika99]

He told her the other issues in the relationship were the reason - the dead bedroom, how controlling she was, the fact they never spent any time together, that she was using him to support her financially. I don't think they'll believe it either. Do you think I should ask him to be honest with them?

 

The above is so disturbing to me. He spent 4 months lying and deceiving her and then when it was time to walk out the door he still didn't come clean. Instead he laid ALL of the blame at her feet. What a very cruel thing to do. Just because one doesn't want their relationship anymore doesn't mean they still don't need to treat the one they are leaving in a respectful humane fashion. He tossed her aside and let her believe everything was her fault. Nasty behavior that is.

 

And he still in that mind-set. He still wants to deceive people and keep you hidden because he thinks like a cheater. Cheaters always want to blame everyone else while not admitting any responsibility of their own. I'm pretty sure he wasn't the image of perfection in that relationship either. Well we already know he was a cheater but besides that. I don't necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater either but cheaters have a lot of work to do on themselves to avoid that behavior again. He doesn't need to just feel remorse over how he treated you, he needs to feel regret for how he treated his ex. He needs to accept that he did a terrible thing to her and take ownership of that. Sounds like he just wants everyone to forgot all about the cheating and move happily along. He wants to rug sweep like a typical cheater.

[Krashi]

Exactly, the first part is what I have a problem with. I don't know how to move past knowing that he is capable of that or how to trust he won't do it again. He's willing to do whatever. I just don't know what will actually help with building the trust back up.

Frankly, he knows pretty much the same thing about you and what you are capable of, no?

[Lurkeraspect]

Certainly no judgement here, OP.

 

I think your issue is the fact that you see what he so easily did to his gf. Your probably thinking (rightfully so) he could do the same to you. And you're right. Think on that.

[stillafool]

He told her the other issues in the relationship were the reason - the dead bedroom, how controlling she was, the fact they never spent any time together, that she was using him to support her financially. I don't think they'll believe it either. Do you think I should ask him to be honest with them?

 

Absolutely! He needs to tell her the truth not just for her sanity but to prove to you he is commited to you and the truth at this point. Don't let him hide you. Haven't you done enough of that?

[Bittersweetie]

He had legitimate work trips that he extended a couple of days each end and took me on, so she thought they just lasted longer than they did.

 

The next time he has to go on a legitimate work trip and you don't go with him, are you going to wonder what he's doing?

 

He lied to his girlfriend, and he can lie to you. He gaslighted his girlfriend (making her think the breakup was her fault) and he can gaslight you.

 

If you are okay with that, then okay. But if you're not, then you have to decide whether this relationship/man is really the right one for you.

[Sunnycloud]

Wow, so he put it ALL on her, like he was a perfect angel and she did everything wrong. Yes he should be honest and not lie and make it seem like it was/is all HER fault why their relationship failed. He didn't end it until after he was involved with you so that's a flaw on his behalf. I'm sure she's not the devil he's made her out to be.

 

Take it slow and 'date' in a proper way, please don't move in together. He needs time to grieve the loss of his previous relationship and to rid of habits he developed with her as well as being on his own for a bit will benefit you both.

 

I think people are misunderstanding my previous post. I was listing his other issues with the relationship, not saying that he didn't accept any fault or acknowledge his faults (apart from the cheating) too. Those were discussed too but obviously weren't 'his' reasons for the breakup, which were what I was explaining. He's also never badmouthed her to me, her or anyone else to my knowledge.

[whichwayisup]

I think people are misunderstanding my previous post. I was listing his other issues with the relationship, not saying that he didn't accept any fault or acknowledge his faults (apart from the cheating) too. Those were discussed too but obviously weren't 'his' reasons for the breakup, which were what I was explaining. He's also never badmouthed her to me, her or anyone else to my knowledge.

 

So he did explain to her that he fell in love with someone else (aka you) and that he cheated on her and had an affair? Just seems like now you're justifying and defending him. This after you even said you've not been happy on how he's treated you throughout this....

[Sunnycloud]

No, I said apart from the cheating. I guess I don't see how telling is beneficial if the relationship is over anyway. Won't all it do just make her hurt and everything more difficult for him and me to move forward together? He's treated me incredibly well, apart from that he took longer than I wanted to break-up with her. But he agreed to my timeline with the break-up once I asked him to and stuck with it. He really hasn't done anything else to me that has bothered me at all.

Edited November 23, 2015 by Sunnycloud

[whichwayisup]

I, however, am struggling to move on from the resentment of the pain he caused me (and knew he was causing me) during the last month or two of the affair. It's childish but I guess I resent that he got off pretty much consequence free whereas I had to suffer all those months it took him

 

This seems very different than what you said earlier.

He's treated me incredibly well, apart from that he took longer than I wanted to break-up with her. But he agreed to my timeline with the break-up once I asked him to and stuck with it. He really hasn't done anything else to me that has bothered me at all.