Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 To me, the crux of this is that you both were involved in an affair, thus will have trouble trusting one another. I would think, if he has half a brain, he realizes that you have no qualms about cheating. You have the same concerns about him I expect, no? Since things are, roughly, symetrical in that regard, perhaps this relationship will work, provided you both keep an eye on one another. Sounds relaxing and enriching. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 This seems very different than what you said earlier. i think the OP is bothered by how much time it took her boyfriend to break it off. she understands it but still feels bothered and hurt by it + there is a very normal fear of the same scenario repeating in their own relationship again present. OP, i think you're doing well & i really think you're going to be okay. all of this, that you're feeling right now, is perfectly normal. transition from one relationship to another with cheating involved isn't easy and the start of that other relationship can be a bit rough but i learned something from that experience -- relationships like that actually end up building a stronger start than those smooth ones. so you have issues and you learn how to communicate and deal with it and you open a lot od questions that you wouldn't normally open... and you do all of that in the very beginning. so in my experience, relationships which make it through that rough first stage - get serious and stable quicker than the rest. as far as introducing you to his friends - talk it out with him and make sure you're okay with whatever you two come up with. waiting 3 months or going officially out... you need to be okay with it. if, at any point, you start feeling bad - tell him about it and find a new solution. he seems to be receptive of you & answers well to your problems - so no reason for you to hold things back. just take it easy and be patient. all of this is normal, trust. in a couple of months from now, if all goes well - these feelings of guilt or lack of trust will be gone. just give this some time and work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Wow, so he put it ALL on her, like he was a perfect angel and she did everything wrong. Yes he should be honest and not lie and make it seem like it was/is all HER fault why their relationship failed. He didn't end it until after he was involved with you so that's a flaw on his behalf. I'm sure she's not the devil he's made her out to be. Take it slow and 'date' in a proper way, please don't move in together. He needs time to grieve the loss of his previous relationship and to rid of habits he developed with her as well as being on his own for a bit will benefit you both. He didn't even just put it all on her, he never bothered to say somebody else was in the picture. She was "competing" against an unknown. He is a coward of the highest order. OP, that gut feeling you get around this guy is for a reason. I won't beat you up about the head for your involvement in all of this, what I will say take a long, hard look at his behavior. If that doesn't make you running screaming for the hills, get in to therapy. Edited November 24, 2015 by CALOVELY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 No, I said apart from the cheating. I guess I don't see how telling is beneficial if the relationship is over anyway. Won't all it do just make her hurt and everything more difficult for him and me to move forward together? He's treated me incredibly well, apart from that he took longer than I wanted to break-up with her. But he agreed to my timeline with the break-up once I asked him to and stuck with it. He really hasn't done anything else to me that has bothered me at all. It is cruel of him to keep the truth from her. In spite of all his complaints about her, he would likely still be there had he not met you, so like it or not, you are a huge reason for him leaving and she deserves to know that. Of course it will hurt her to know that he cheated but it will also make things more clear to her. Suddenly the last several months of their relationship will make sense to her and she will have all the pieces to the puzzle. She will be able to move on with full knowledge of what happened in her past relationship. Your boyfriend took the cowards way out. Blamed her for everything and then ran away. Now she gets to stew in the belief that everything was her fault meanwhile the major catalyst in the breakup was another woman and she doesn't even know it. You are trying to back pedal now but your immediate response to the question asking what he told her his reasons for leaving were sounded like he just rattled off a list of her faults and short comings. If that is okay with you then it's okay but don't be surprised if one day you are on the receiving end of that callous behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I don't think telling his ex would help. Best to just move forward. If you are having trust issues (which would be understandable) do some couples therapy for you two to work out the kinks. All this stuff about her competing with an unknown and him being a bad person for not disclosing is really moot. Just go forward. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 i think the OP is bothered by how much time it took her boyfriend to break it off. she understands it but still feels bothered and hurt by it + there is a very normal fear of the same scenario repeating in their own relationship again present. But she knew going in he had a live in girlfriend. Are we talking a few months or a few years? Seems to me it was a few months and if one gets involved with a person who has a partner it isn't up to them to dictate when the other person ends it with their partner. She could have walked away and gone NC until he totally ended it with him, or just distanced herself from it all until he was free and single. Instead she chose to continue having an A with him throughout it all. Not saying she is totally at fault here, the circumstances that brought them together obviously wasn't right. May I ask? You say that you were in love with him even before he was involved with his gf, why didn't you confess your love to him before he started dating someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I probably see things a little differently. This couple wasn't married, so he didn't owe his xGF any sort of explanation. There's a huge difference between a R and M. Huge. The former doesn't necessarily imply a commitment; the latter says, at the very least, "I'll try and work on things a little harder when things get difficult before I bail." That said, the courteous and kind thing to do would have been for him to tell his xGF that another woman had caught his attention. I've been in the position of the xGF before, and it sucked to high heaven. I thought that I had done something wrong, when in fact, I'd just gotten involved with the wrong kind of man who had made a pattern of cheating on all of his exes before he left them. Had I known this before I got involved, I would have definitely thought twice before I accepted a second date. So while it's less icky to withhold that information than it would have been had they been married, it's still a really ****ty thing to do to another human being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Are we talking a few months or a few years? Seems to me it was a few months and if one gets involved with a person who has a partner it isn't up to them to dictate when the other person ends it with their partner. i agree - but she is allowed to have certain expectations, no? just because she knew he had a girlfriend, it does not mean that she should be totally okay with waiting for 1000 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I say let it go and look forward. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 No, I said apart from the cheating. I guess I don't see how telling is beneficial if the relationship is over anyway. Won't all it do just make her hurt and everything more difficult for him and me to move forward together? It would be highly beneficial for the gf to know the real reason he broke up with her (because he was seeing you) as the truth will help her see who he really is and move on. Right now she may be thinking this was all her fault and is suffering when if she knew he had been cheating it would help her realize he wasn't so great and she could move forward easier. OP, wouldn't you want to know the truth if he had done this to you? Considering who he is it just might happen to you so I would demand he tell her the truth. There's been enough lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 It would be highly beneficial for the gf to know the real reason he broke up with her (because he was seeing you) as the truth will help her see who he really is and move on. Right now she may be thinking this was all her fault and is suffering when if she knew he had been cheating it would help her realize he wasn't so great and she could move forward easier. OP, wouldn't you want to know the truth if he had done this to you? Considering who he is it just might happen to you so I would demand he tell her the truth. There's been enough lying. People break up all the time and every reason is not known. Is it also kind to tell someone they suck in bed and that is the.reason for the break up? Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut and move on. Sometimes it is ok for the people in the relationship to just end it and the.reason can be as simple as 'I am not interesting in pursuing this relationship further because I am not feeling attached to you like I once did'. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 People break up all the time and every reason is not known. Is it also kind to tell someone they suck in bed and that is the.reason for the break up? Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut and move on. Sometimes it is ok for the people in the relationship to just end it and the.reason can be as simple as 'I am not interesting in pursuing this relationship further because I am not feeling attached to you like I once did'. I wouldn't say it's necessarily unkind to tell someone that lousy sex was the reason for the break up. It would hurt to hear I'm sure but how can someone know why their relationships are failing and learn from their mistakes if nobody is telling them the truth? If the dumpee sucks in the sack and is completely unaware of it or doesn't believe it to be a problem because nobody ever complained then how can they know that they need to improve in that area? Why do so many people believe that being dishonest is somehow good for the person being lied too? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I wouldn't say it's necessarily unkind to tell someone that lousy sex was the reason for the break up. It would hurt to hear I'm sure but how can someone know why their relationships are failing and learn from their mistakes if nobody is telling them the truth? If the dumpee sucks in the sack and is completely unaware of it or doesn't believe it to be a problem because nobody ever complained then how can they know that they need to improve in that area? Why do so many people believe that being dishonest is somehow good for the person being lied too? It is not dishonest to simply end the relationship. Just because you want all the details does not mean everyone does. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 It is not dishonest to simply end the relationship. Just because you want all the details does not mean everyone does. Well it's not like the person being dumped is just going to accept the break-up without asking the reason. Of course they are going to ask why their partner wants out and at that point the dumper has the option to tell the truth or be dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Well it's not like the person being dumped is just going to accept the break-up without asking the reason. Of course they are going to ask why their partner wants out and at that point the dumper has the option to tell the truth or be dishonest. The truth could simply be that he no longer wants to carry on the relationship. The end. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 The truth could simply be that he no longer wants to carry on the relationship. The end. That's fine but I was responding to your statement "is it also kind to tell someone they suck in bed and that is the reason for the break up?" I think it would be kinder then to refuse to give a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 That's fine but I was responding to your statement "is it also kind to tell someone they suck in bed and that is the reason for the break up?" I think it would be kinder then to refuse to give a reason. Maybe for you. I am saying that it could simply be stated that the relationship could be ended with a simple statement of not wanting to continue, not going blow by blow as to why. That was my point regarding being a lousy lay. The end could simply be that he is sorry be hurt her and that he is moving on. Just because he does not give specifics does not make him a devil. I have broken up simply by saying it was not working for me. It should be enough. She.should not have to 'demand' that he tell his ex anything. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I probably see things a little differently. This couple wasn't married, so he didn't owe his xGF any sort of explanation. There's a huge difference between a R and M. Huge. The former doesn't necessarily imply a commitment; the latter says, at the very least, "I'll try and work on things a little harder when things get difficult before I bail." That said, the courteous and kind thing to do would have been for him to tell his xGF that another woman had caught his attention. I've been in the position of the xGF before, and it sucked to high heaven. I thought that I had done something wrong, when in fact, I'd just gotten involved with the wrong kind of man who had made a pattern of cheating on all of his exes before he left them. Had I known this before I got involved, I would have definitely thought twice before I accepted a second date. So while it's less icky to withhold that information than it would have been had they been married, it's still a really ****ty thing to do to another human being. Well the commitment in a R could be ever and strong and binding as a M, we don't know the details here. As for telling her anything, I don't see the point. Especially is she were bad in bed... that's just stupid and a very personal opinion. She could be knock you socks off with her next man. From what the OP said, he was in a dead relationship... that's all his GF needs to know. Why he drug it out so long is a puzzle... but now that is over, leave it lie. I certainly don't fault him for not telling the xGF about his new love. That may have been the better way out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 People break up all the time and every reason is not known. Is it also kind to tell someone they suck in bed and that is the.reason for the break up? Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut and move on. Sometimes it is ok for the people in the relationship to just end it and the.reason can be as simple as 'I am not interesting in pursuing this relationship further because I am not feeling attached to you like I once did'. Maybe not for you but I need to know the truth no matter how much it hurts. The truth is what will help me move forward not sitting around wondering what I did and if I have another chance with that person. This is why there are so many people here on LS wondering what went wrong in their relationships, because their SO don't have the balls to tell them the truth. Not knowing the truth does nothing but prolong the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Maybe not for you but I need to know the truth no matter how much it hurts. The truth is what will help me move forward not sitting around wondering what I did and if I have another chance with that person. This is why there are so many people here on LS wondering what went wrong in their relationships, because their SO don't have the balls to tell them the truth. Not knowing the truth does nothing but prolong I responded to this and it was deleted so I will move along. Enjoy your Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts