Panic attack

[m4p]

Literally hyperventilating right now. Out at lunch with colleagues and xMM's wife is sitting at a table right across me. I think she noticed me and recognized me from my Facebook profile photo. Gave me a glare and whispered something to her friend beside.

 

It's been so long but I feel crippled now. Colleagues noticed my sudden change but I can't say or explain anything except to come over here and type all these out.

 

I thought I'll be okay but I'm not.

[still_an_Angel]

Breathe... don't let her rattle you. Can you make a quick exit without making a big fuss with your friends? Keep your game face on, you'll be okay.

((hugs))

[Krashi]

All of us have done things we regret. If you are now living with integrity, try not to let this derail you.

[m4p]

Breathe... don't let her rattle you. Can you make a quick exit without making a big fuss with your friends? Keep your game face on, you'll be okay.

((hugs))

 

I couldn't finish my food and had a bit of trouble breathing properly. Was too weirded out to make a discreet exit so I sat there and attempted to make small talk until she left (not before sneaking glances at me throughout)

 

I want to feel nothing, so I can't even feel sorry or shame. I felt scared. Sheesh. How pathetic. It sounds like nothing but to me this point of contact truly freaked me out.

 

Thanks Angel, I'm back at my desk and eating chocolate now. *hugsss*

[m4p]

All of us have done things we regret. If you are now living with integrity, try not to let this derail you.

 

I am, God knows I am trying. NC and lots of self reflection. I'm almost 100% certain that I'll never let myself make this mistake again.

 

Just disheartened at how affected I am. Probably repercussions and consequences that needs time to disappear. Thank you.

[minimariah]

i think what you're feeling is normal and you're understandably shaken up. but now you broke the ice and that first meeting is done so... i think the next time, if you see her, will be easier.

 

eat lots of chocolate, watch some good chick flick or cartoons and treat yourself with a nice lipstick today!

[whichwayisup]

I'm almost 100% certain that I'll never let myself make this mistake again.

 

Why 'almost' 100% certain? Why not be 100% sure that you'll never let yourself make that mistake/choice again? Just curious.

 

Did any of your co workers notice anything or ask if you were okay?

[m4p]

Why 'almost' 100% certain? Why not be 100% sure that you'll never let yourself make that mistake/choice again? Just curious.

 

Did any of your co workers notice anything or ask if you were okay?

 

Because I'm not one to say 100% for anything. but trust me mentally I am 100% set

 

Yes. One of my close buddy noticed I've gone white and was sort of stuttering when talking. She kept asking me am I okay and I said I'm not feeling too well suddenly. They were very nice they finished their lunch extra quick and brought me to buy something cold and sweet to drink. I am blessed and I must remember that. It just felt so weird. I really almost had a meltdown. Over this?! Don't wanna over analyze but I don't know what happened to me then.

[m4p]

i think what you're feeling is normal and you're understandably shaken up. but now you broke the ice and that first meeting is done so... i think the next time, if you see her, will be easier.

 

eat lots of chocolate, watch some good chick flick or cartoons and treat yourself with a nice lipstick today!

 

No more next time please......

I couldn't help it my mind went overdrive I imagined her telling xMM she saw me and the disgust she felt.. Or maybe the disgust he feels towards me too. And more gaslighting from him, assurances that nothing was going on and I'm just a former co-worker.. I couldn't help it, I wanted to puke thinking about 9 months ago when we ended things. I felt sick like I've been transported back to *that moment*.

 

I'm glad it's all over and maybe you're right, our city is small, we are bound to cross path sooner or later.

[minimariah]

i'm sorry, sweetheart.

 

keep your head up. when you see her - try to be confident and calm. you don't have to run away or shrink or hide.

 

she can glare and make faces all she wants, he can too - they're both people from your past, nothing more.

 

you eating chocolates? i recommend Harry Potter marathon or Lord of the Rings!!! or BRIDGET JONES

[m4p]

i'm sorry, sweetheart.

 

keep your head up. when you see her - try to be confident and calm. you don't have to run away or shrink or hide.

 

she can glare and make faces all she wants, he can too - they're both people from your past, nothing more.

 

you eating chocolates? i recommend Harry Potter marathon or Lord of the Rings!!! or BRIDGET JONES

 

Aww thank you so much.......

 

Actually I hope I'm not giving the wrong impression here now; I don't want to make it out like I'm a victim in this because I am not... And in my opinion she have every right to hate me. I did wrong her even if she doesn't know the whole extent of it. All she knows is that I was close with her husband and we went for lunches alone and he lied to her. She doesn't know that we had a 2 year affair. That's for him to bear.

 

I want to be confident and calm.. I can't understand how pathetic I was just now, trying not to look at her when she was staring at me. I'm sounding hysterical again.

 

Truth to be told, I think I am like this now because the sight of her hit it right home the fact that she actually exists. I survived the 2 year A pretending she wasn't real and just seeing her overwhelmed me terribly. I don't think that I miss him but it brought back just too much memories that I'm trying to forget. It was painful. All the phone calls from her when we were together. The stolen kisses in my car whenever I send him home. The good morning and good night texts no matter rain or shine. Even with her in the same room he was texting me everyday for 2 years. I am not as strong as I thought I am. 9 months! Shouldn't it be way easier? It hurts and I'm afraid I cried just now when I got home from work.

 

Sorry for rambling! Been holding in too much tension for the whole day.

 

I'm actually rewatching Sherlock right now. Maybe Benedict will help take my mind off things...... Lol.

[NewLeaf512]

Literally hyperventilating right now. Out at lunch with colleagues and xMM's wife is sitting at a table right across me. I think she noticed me and recognized me from my Facebook profile photo. Gave me a glare and whispered something to her friend beside.

 

It's been so long but I feel crippled now. Colleagues noticed my sudden change but I can't say or explain anything except to come over here and type all these out.

 

I thought I'll be okay but I'm not.

 

 

You're OK. One foot in front of the other.

[winterkeep]

I'm glad you're feeling better! Take it as a positive, your reaction on seeing her is all the confirmation you need that having him out of your life is a good thing. Imagine if you still had to live with that every day...

[minimariah]

Actually I hope I'm not giving the wrong impression here now; I don't want to make it out like I'm a victim in this because I am not... And in my opinion she have every right to hate me.

 

she is free to think and feel whatever she wants. look... you already know that what you did wasn't right. you know it, so no need to beat you up over that again. try to build your own confidence now and try to forgive yourself and look forward. chances are, you probably will run into her or him at one point again... at least now you know what the worst case feeling to exepct.

 

and ramble! ramble all you want and let that tension out!

 

I'm actually rewatching Sherlock right now. Maybe Benedict will help take my mind off things...... Lol.

 

good! Benedict is YUMMY!

 

You're OK. One foot in front of the other.

 

^ what Leaf says. it's a journey with a lot of ups and downs. 9 months is a lot of time and i'm sure you made progress... look at this as another bad little period after which you'll hop right back on to the road of healing. that's it.