No physical infidelity, but falling in love with someone. Do they feel the same way?

[Savannah2]

Quiet storm is spot on. Listen to her and let it resonate. I wish I would have known instead of wasting four years on a man whose exact mentality is what she posted.

[eastcheap]

So, these are definitely good warnings to watch out for. I have this gut feeling that things will become very clear when it comes time to accept MA proposals, because that is when their lease is up. Obviously, if I hear that they'll be moving somewhere together, that'll be my answer and that will be that. I'll move on. And in general, right now, I'm not closing myself off to other options, emotionally.

 

If, however (this is my hope) they choose to sort of amicably part ways when we all start our different degrees and move away from each other, then that will be a different story. They really do remind me of a couple that has now just sort of grown out of each other, on both of their ends to a degree, and I'm not wishing DOOM (if they really do want to stay together "forever," then it is what it is and I'll lick my wounds and get on with it.) I am though hoping that my intuition will line up with reality.

 

It will all come clear in a few months, really. So I guess that is the time line I've set on the situation - if they aren't going to use the opportunity of a lease being up, a new school to go to, and a new life path to start to part ways, then I've got to move on.

 

Until then, I will try to limit my one on one time with him, will maybe try seeing someone else for fun, but don't see the feelings going away without a pretty massive effort - an effort I'm not willing to take UNTIL I get a vibe on what's going on there.

[PenelopeG]

Not every connection we make will or should turn into anything more. Until/if this guy ends things with his current SO, there's really nothing you can do without breaching your own ethics and moral values.

 

Even though nothing physical has happened (yet) you are treading on dangerously thin ice with regards to whether this friendship is turning into an emotional affair which will sometimes naturally progress to a physical relationship sometime down the line.

 

Ask yourself if you were his SO, and you found out he was hanging out with a girl in the way he is with you, how would you feel? Would you feel secure in your R or would you feel hurt?

 

I know it will be difficult for you to avoid him, without questions being asked, but perhaps you should do your best to do that. Respect boundaries that if you continue as you are doing, you are breaking. If you must and he asks why the distance, it might be an idea to be honest about how you feel but firmly state that in no way, shape or form are you about to become the other woman.

[burnt]

Hi. My husband is just like the man in your situation--only he had the sense to realize what you, the other woman, were up to and deliberately stopped hanging out with her even though he really enjoyed her friendship.

 

The man OP is talking about is NOT married. He has a gf, not a wife. There is a HUGE difference. Marriage means making a VOW. Arasae, your husband made a promise to you, put on the wedding ring, on your wedding day in front of hundreds of people saying that he would be 100% committed to you and you only.

 

When two people see each other in the form of 'gf-bf', they are still in the phase of 'testing' each other out. Yes, absolutely, there still an expectation of trust, but you comparing the bf with your husband is comparing apples with cars. Most people go through several gf/bf before they find and settle with the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with and make a commitment to do so.

 

HALFWAY decent human being option:

Confront him and confess your feelings. If he then leaves his significant other (as he should at this point, otherwise he's a coward), enjoy a relationship where you will never be sure if he's not looking for the next best thing. You might be replaced at some point. If he doesn't leave her immediately, BACK OFF, or you will revert to the horrible human being option.

 

BE A GOOD PERSON OPTION:

Walk away. Gradually or suddenly ghost him. Let him end his relationship without your input or having anything to do with you. If you're truly meant to be, it'll find a way. This is the ONLY option you will have where trust will be able to blossom the way it should.

 

Confronting and speaking openly about what you are feeling does not make you HALFWAY decent. It makes you FULLY honest and decent.

 

Telling someone how you feel is not cheating or luring or deceiving.

 

OP, come clean, tell him exactly what you're feeling. If the feeling is mutual, and both of you are truly in love with each other, then he can end his relationship w/ his gf amicably and you two can make a clean start with an open and honest relationship.

 

If he says no, THEN walk away, never look back.

[privategal]

So, these are definitely good warnings to watch out for. I have this gut feeling that things will become very clear when it comes time to accept MA proposals, because that is when their lease is up. Obviously, if I hear that they'll be moving somewhere together, that'll be my answer and that will be that. I'll move on. And in general, right now, I'm not closing myself off to other options, emotionally.

 

If, however (this is my hope) they choose to sort of amicably part ways when we all start our different degrees and move away from each other, then that will be a different story. They really do remind me of a couple that has now just sort of grown out of each other, on both of their ends to a degree, and I'm not wishing DOOM (if they really do want to stay together "forever," then it is what it is and I'll lick my wounds and get on with it.) I am though hoping that my intuition will line up with reality.

 

It will all come clear in a few months, really. So I guess that is the time line I've set on the situation - if they aren't going to use the opportunity of a lease being up, a new school to go to, and a new life path to start to part ways, then I've got to move on.

 

Until then, I will try to limit my one on one time with him, will maybe try seeing someone else for fun, but don't see the feelings going away without a pretty massive effort - an effort I'm not willing to take UNTIL I get a vibe on what's going on there.

 

SO many of us cant judge, I wont judge at ALL but I will say...its just all fun and playing with fire. Shes paying half the bills, they are a comnited COUPLE. You act as though its someone you knew for YEARS. He is just a guy you are going for coffee/drinks/study with.

Don't you even think you owe it to yourself to not dedicate ALL your spare time but not even get a kiss, a proper date, sex even?

I mean you will get none of those things with him...you get your hair ruffled.

Not saying those things are your first priority but how about a bigger circle of friends?

Why can't you date, he's dating someone?

Its just sad you cant see what we see.

He has gigs at BEST. Its easy to be with someone as a fun pastime when you don't have to share bills, clean laundry, clean the bathroom, discuss bills, so your easy to be around cause your a simple escape and ego boost.

But tgis simple walking and talking and flirting is something that is as big to him as it is to you. He goes home and cuddles and romances his REAL girlfriend meanwhile your falling hard.

You WILL get hurt and you are wearing blinders and were trying to help you not fall deeper or miss the red flags and get hurt.

It isn't fun and games its real. Hes taken and you have a CHOICE to step back now.

[minimariah]

It will all come clear in a few months, really. So I guess that is the time line I've set on the situation - if they aren't going to use the opportunity of a lease being up, a new school to go to, and a new life path to start to part ways, then I've got to move on.

 

you're being really mature about this situation and i really love the way you think. and you did well - from my personal experience and my personal opinion... they probably will break up. realistically - it's their first serious relationship & they probably did grow apart. the thing is (speaking from experience) - it's hard to break off a first serious relationship. that's why i can understand him "stalling" & i can understand why you might be confused by his seemingly mixed signals.

 

when you're in a first serious relationship - you're caught off guard by an intense connection with someone else. but you know... that happens. you meet someone else and circumstances are not often the greatest.

 

i agree with this timeline and i think you're being clever about the situation but i would absolutely encourage you to be straight forward with him & to tell him the full truth about your feelings and expectations... he probably needs a reassurance of sorts that you're in this together. give him some time.

[stillafool]

My parents met when my mother was married to another man. They've been happy together for 28 years. She did not cheat on her partner; my dad provided friendship and when the time was right, admitted he had feelings, and if she didn't, then it was okay, and no pressure either way. She needed time to think, and realized she was falling in love with my dad as well, and broke up with her husband.

 

I certainly do not have any intention of putting myself through the hell of being the other woman. It would be a disservice to our relationship and friendship to do so. Lots of people are saying "go no contact," well, that's not really possible. Our department is small, and he, along with the 3 others, are the most positive, valuable, beautiful people in my life. I'd sooner swallow my feelings and suffer in silence than cut him out as a friend.

 

Having an idea of whether or not there is a chance he may like me is helpful, because it gives me a sense of direction. The ideal scenario would be that they break up because they've outgrown each other, amicably, and then him and I can go down that path, if the feeling is mutual.

 

I'm serious about this person and want to do it right. There are many other people, but if there is a chance this person likes me, and I can be gentle and ethical about it, then I am not going to just cut ties with him.

 

Maybe you should ask your mother about this. You would know better if he likes you than anyone here.