Do You See What I See?

[Marc878]

Hero

Your wife's mother and father know you are good for your wife and a good man. They want to try and take some of the blame off her so you will not divorce her.

 

Get the divorce and then she will have many years to prove to you that she loves only you and will do anything to get you back.

 

Exactly. They are covering her and will as much as possible. You and your feelings don't enter into their equation. It would appear they have not said much about how you are doing or how you are feeling that I've seen. Have they????

 

It's all about her. Don't make any rash decisions, were disappointed in her. If I was her father I would have asked if you needed anything or were doing ok?

 

 

It says a lot doesn't it?

[aliveagain]

Hero, the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make. There is no right or wrong choice. All we can do is tell you our observations because sometimes your just too close to it to see things clearly, something very similar to your situation may have happened to one of us and we share our outcome with you so you don't make the same mistake we did. We like you all received promises from our wayward spouses, after my third time on the receiving end I decided on one policy and that is infidelity was a deal breaker, period. Anyone willing to test me deserves what they get. There are some on here who shoot down those of us who will not negotiate our boundaries, like I give a sh*t. In their mind 2 months, 10 months, 2 years of infidelity doesn't compare to the rest of their life they have with their wayward spouse. They can find a way to get the mental images out of their head, they can learn to live with the imbalance infidelity creates. What's the big deal, some guy she works with put his penis in her a few dozen times, she can't get pregnant.

 

It is rare that you get people saying how happy they are they waited 5 years to get through all the work required to get over infidelity. You do hear how some wished they had taken a stronger stance at the beginning rather than wasting years of their time finding out reconciliation didn't work. You also hear about others who after grieving their loss go on to find new loving mates and have the most amazing relationships, happens here all the time.

 

Hero, do what is best for you. Talk to a lawyer because you need to protect yourself, your son and your business.

[Krashi]

Some of the strictist most moralistic people in the world cheat. Just ask anyone in the Christian fundamentalist community if their absolute faith prevents infidelity from happening.

 

Some of the most well brought up and intelligent and kind and altruistic people in the world have affairs. Just read about Stephen Hawking.

 

Nothing that we do in our upbringing is an absolute guarantee as a defense to cheat. Not cheating is a decision made each and every moment that someone is tempted by it.

 

My WW's sisters never wanted her to marry me. They showed it for 18 years antagonising and treating me badly waiting for me to show my true colours. It was their sister who cheated. And even then, they saw her as the victim, and tried to get her to leave the marriage. So, in spite of them being sisters, it was a good idea "she didn't listen to her sisters more often". They all got it backwards. There is no evidence that OP's sister had anything than the common adversity to her brother's choice in marriage. He had 10 good years with her, and then she broke. Had she not taken on a job he might have had 10 more. Or not. Some people marry only to find out that their perfect partner was cheating on them right after the honeymoon.

 

His sister was speculating. That this woman actually choose to be unfaithful 10 years later is just a coincidence. I'm sure my SILs are going to wait for another 10 years and on our 30th anniversary if we split, say to my wife... "See, we told you, it wouldn't last."

i bet his sister picked up on her NPD. NO WORK FOR 10 YEARS. Focused on fitness and romance novels. Cruelty and ridicule of her husband. No remorse.

You don't need to be a psychologist to figure this out.

I believe that people who have lived with a Cluster B are more capable of seeing it then many psychologists.

Edited November 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[understand50]

Hero,

 

I have not chimed in, as it looked like you were getting the advise and posts you needed to expose the affair, and then move to a place of strength.

 

Aliveagain, is right the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make and reconciliation would be a gift to your wife. It will also be harder then if you just divorce, as in divorce, just you alone have to work at it, and make it happen.

 

For reconciliation to happen, you first must decide that this is what you want, and then, she must understand what will be needed on her part to make this happen. A good idea of what she should be doing is listed at the top of the infidelity board.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know.

 

Read it so you know the baseline. Give it to your WW, if you think you would like to try and reconcile, measure her against it. When my wife spent us into the poor house, and I, after much soul searching decide to "save" our marriage, I asked her point blank, "Do you want to stay married? Are you willing to do the hard work to do this?" I have had to remind her a few times that in the end she wanted to stay, as well as I.

 

So...... Go do some thinking, take some time, and decide if the the hard path of reconciliation is for you. If it is what you want, ask your WW if she is willing to do the hard work on her part, and then hold her to it. Remember and remind her it is a huge gift to her.

 

Your next step will be to forgive her what she has done to you, but never forget what she did to you. You will not be able to in any case. One of the reasons that makes reconciliation so hard.

 

In reading your posts, I really do not see you thinking about staying with her. This may change. You will find that there is support on how to do this here as well. I also suggest you read threads about reconciliation and failed reconciliations. It will help you navigate though this. Threads on divorce will also be of help.

 

Finally, Aliveagain is more in the divorce camp, and I am more in the reconciliation camp, but he in honest in his advise. Please read from everyone and take what advise you need, but continue to measure against those folks who advocate the other side. In the "argument", and I mean that in a good sense, you will find what you need no matter what path you decide on.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome that can be had from all of this.

 

Hero, the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make. There is no right or wrong choice. All we can do is tell you our observations because sometimes your just too close to it to see things clearly, something very similar to your situation may have happened to one of us and we share our outcome with you so you don't make the same mistake we did. We like you all received promises from our wayward spouses, after my third time on the receiving end I decided on one policy and that is infidelity was a deal breaker, period. Anyone willing to test me deserves what they get. There are some on here who shoot down those of us who will not negotiate our boundaries, like I give a sh*t. In their mind 2 months, 10 months, 2 years of infidelity doesn't compare to the rest of their life they have with their wayward spouse. They can find a way to get the mental images out of their head, they can learn to live with the imbalance infidelity creates. What's the big deal, some guy she works with put his penis in her a few dozen times, she can't get pregnant.

 

It is rare that you get people saying how happy they are they waited 5 years to get through all the work required to get over infidelity. You do hear how some wished they had taken a stronger stance at the beginning rather than wasting years of their time finding out reconciliation didn't work. You also hear about others who after grieving their loss go on to find new loving mates and have the most amazing relationships, happens here all the time.

 

Hero, do what is best for you. Talk to a lawyer because you need to protect yourself, your son and your business.

[SummerDreams]

My first question was never answered but I will go ahead and ask a new one anyway. When are you planning on having a serious discussion with your wife of 10 years? I know what she did makes you being sick of her and even the sight of her must be painful, but couples need to discuss and find solutions for problems. This is a major crisis that might lead to a divorce. Don't you need to talk through the process of it? Are texts enough to describe such a huge situation with such an impact?

[Marc878]

My first question was never answered but I will go ahead and ask a new one anyway. When are you planning on having a serious discussion with your wife of 10 years? I know what she did makes you being sick of her and even the sight of her must be painful, but couples need to discuss and find solutions for problems. This is a major crisis that might lead to a divorce. Don't you need to talk through the process of it? Are texts enough to describe such a huge situation with such an impact?

 

Talk when and only when Hero is ready. This is his timetable no one else's. I'd wait at least two weeks or more if it were me.

[lgspot]

Hero,

 

I have not chimed in, as it looked like you were getting the advise and posts you needed to expose the affair, and then move to a place of strength.

 

Aliveagain, is right the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make and reconciliation would be a gift to your wife. It will also be harder then if you just divorce, as in divorce, just you alone have to work at it, and make it happen.

 

For reconciliation to happen, you first must decide that this is what you want, and then, she must understand what will be needed on her part to make this happen. A good idea of what she should be doing is listed at the top of the infidelity board.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know.

 

Read it so you know the baseline. Give it to your WW, if you think you would like to try and reconcile, measure her against it. When my wife spent us into the poor house, and I, after much soul searching decide to "save" our marriage, I asked her point blank, "Do you want to stay married? Are you willing to do the hard work to do this?" I have had to remind her a few times that in the end she wanted to stay, as well as I.

 

So...... Go do some thinking, take some time, and decide if the the hard path of reconciliation is for you. If it is what you want, ask your WW if she is willing to do the hard work on her part, and then hold her to it. Remember and remind her it is a huge gift to her.

 

Your next step will be to forgive her what she has done to you, but never forget what she did to you. You will not be able to in any case. One of the reasons that makes reconciliation so hard.

 

In reading your posts, I really do not see you thinking about staying with her. This may change. You will find that there is support on how to do this here as well. I also suggest you read threads about reconciliation and failed reconciliations. It will help you navigate though this. Threads on divorce will also be of help.

 

Finally, Aliveagain is more in the divorce camp, and I am more in the reconciliation camp, but he in honest in his advise. Please read from everyone and take what advise you need, but continue to measure against those folks who advocate the other side. In the "argument", and I mean that in a good sense, you will find what you need no matter what path you decide on.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome that can be had from all of this.

Hero,

I'm in the HAPPY ENDING camp whether it be divorce or reconciliation.

 

Are you better with her or without??? Only YOU can make that determination.

Is she willing to do the work to give you what you need to begin to trust again? It will be a new beginning.

 

Hope you, your brother and Hero have a great weekend.

You've done amazingly well so far.

Hang in there.

[Krashi]

I agree with much of what Friskyone4u wrote above.

 

Personally, from what you related, I don't see why anyone would want to endure the time, effort, and energy necessary to try and salvage this marriage. But that's my default position: I don't see why anyone would bear this burden for anyone. I've never known a woman in my life that would be worth it.

 

But I don't understand the added significance of their pet name for you. Everything she did was dreadful. Their pet name for you hurts, but in fact they were wrong about you. They are the fools for believing that they could continue their relationship without consequences.

 

What else do you think they would call you? It's not like they are operating from a place of deep respect and value for you. People do and say strange things in these situations. In law school, a classmate was enjoying an affair with another classmate.. Her husband caught them in the act (they got sloppy), was predictably furious, and demanded that the guy get off his wife and out of their bed. During this drama, he had put his hands on boyfriend, who felt deeply "disrespected" by that, and defended himself. The result the husband got was a quick, one sided beat down by a naked guy. Well that's how the story was told, but I believe it.

 

I raise that to illustrate the absurdity of the situation the illicit couple are in. Somehow making love in her marital bed wasn't disrespectful, but an enraged hubby's reaction was disrespectful. The guy was just very self absorbed and the meanings of any words used were filtered through his warped mind.

 

So place no undue weight in their language. Their behavior on the merits is more than enough. If they called you "the professor," would it have mattered?

 

This isn't a defense, it's just a suggestion to not fixate any undue significance to their nickname.

 

The nickname was significant because it showed her contempt. Not every cheater displays it to the degree that she joins in ridicule. Many claim to have never spoken I'll of their BS.

[ShatteredLady]

I guessed that Hero is a German Shepherd Dog! My Dad trained & breed them. I grew-up surrounded by them. They are the most intelligent, loyal, kind & loving dogs.

 

My Dad is now in his late 70's & won't get a new dog because he's afraid of the dog outliving him. You've helped me in my plan...Returning home next year & buying a German Shepherd for my kids (who desperately want a dog) & for my Dad & most importantly for ME. I desperately need those qualities "loyal, kind & loving" in my life!

 

As I said before, you've invested 10 years in this relationship, what's another few months or even a year?? I know what the insanity feels like, just needing it to be over, anything to stop the agony...

 

There's no choice that's going to stop the agony! I'm sorry but that's true. I can hear your love when you describe her "curled-up reading her love stories". You've had a very clear view of who your lady is for all of those years. The question now is...are you seeing a side of her you never saw before or is this a 'crazy' that you can recover from?

 

You will & should have lots of face to face conversations. You need to take as much time as you need to choose what you want & need for the rest of your life.

 

For me it feels like no matter what I do or say we rug sweep. The reactions from your wife...sending "Life is normal, plants & new puppy dogs" texts make me worry that she will be like my H if you let her. I wish I could turn back time & hand my H that post from the top of this forum! I should of tied him to dealing with this & OWNING the monumental damage he has done. Please don't make the mistakes that I have!!

[Hero]

Hero,

 

Right now, you are less than a week into this mess, and you trying to digest all the crap that fate has thrown your way. Unfortunately, it appears that since there are not a lot of new revelations, that the advice now has evolved into the usual "divorce" or "reconcile" camps. Each of us here has had our own personal experience so what we did means NOTHING. You are the only one that can decide what YOU do.

 

All of the diagnosis by non medically qualified people of mental illness that your wife supposedly has is useless. And if you decide to divorce her meaningless.

 

There is NOTHING here that has occurred that is really out of the ordinary

(1) your wife entered into a sexual relationship with another man

(2) she had no intention of confessing

(3) it was obvious the employees at the gym at this get away knew they were getting it on because they made no attempt to be covert

(4) as usual, you caught them through an electronic mistake on bozos part on facebook

(5) your wife had no remorse, only regret she got caught, and thought she could bully you into just accepting it happened and come right home. The excuses and attitude are boilerplate behavior

 

BUT GUESS WHAT- you served her with divorce papers

 

(6) then her attitude changed on a dime

(7) her parents acted as her spokesman

(8) all of a sudden she wants to "fix" this but has done NOTHING on her own to show that

(9) reality has set in for her. The party is over.

 

THERE IS NOTHING THERE THAT IS UNUSUAL OR UNIQUE

 

Her nicknaming you is just part of the demonizing to make her actions OK to herself and justified while she is doing it.

 

Now once your family leaves you will have to go through the roller coaster that everyone does. it was shortcircuited a little bit by your family arriving for the holidays. your emotions will be all over the place.

 

So far, i THINK you said she has offered to quit the job, but that is not the sole answer here since OM is obviously SINGLE, geographically in close proximity, and whatever argument they had it certainly did not stop him from again trying to hook up with her since you stated he contacted her to hook up again last night. Do not assume her disgust and anger with him, probably for getting her caught, will not subside. She probably has been emotionally as well as physically ( most women are emotionally involved) for some time now.

 

So your real dicision is ARE YOU PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THIS FOR A SIGNIFICANT PERIOD of time, which the healing period would be. ARE YOU PREPARED to tell her what boundaries and expectations you need that are non negotiable.

 

There is no quick fix here so i suggest you decide what YOU need, IF you think and believe she can or will do it, and take your time.

 

Right now, i would also not do the usual stampede into therapy until you are SURE this affair is over and can verify it after some time. If you do IC for her, i would also recommend you insist on her signing a waiver so her therapist can talk to you so you know she is not lying to you about what the advice is or what she is telling the therapist.

 

And if you go that route, INTERVIEW them carefully. it is not an exact science, and all of them have different thoughts on infidelity. Don't think you just want to hear ' get over it, and figure out what YOU did to cause her to cheat"".

 

Strength to you. You have done as much as possible so far to help yourself.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write out such a detailed reply

I appreciate every word of it, lots of great advice

[Hero]

You mentioned earlier that your STBXW "agreed to quit her job" and go to counseling, but I don't remember you ever asking her to, so that seems like someone else's arbitrary requirement. Here's why it won't matter.

 

She's a fitness freak, that's not going away. So whether she works in a gym or goes to a gym, even a different one, the temptation is still there. It might not be the AP, but gyms glorify and look up to well built women. I used to work in them myself, and I promise you even the corporate gyms are a hotbed of cheating. Between employees or just members. The trainers, male and female, work closely and are very helpful /encouraging with people that are otherwise insecure about weight, or build, or anything really. They're getting paid, but clients are quick to forget that when every time they see them they get a compliment or a hug, especially when they're young and built.

 

A well built *women* is watched for the minute she hits the free weights or machines to the min she walks in locker room. I've seen a girl get a dozen roses delivered to a lat machine!

 

The problem is not the gym, job, or AP. The problem is her. I'm with Oldshirt, this isn't her first rodeo she was just drunk on attention from him this time.

 

I'm so sorry. I have a lot of experience with these environments and when you get the ability to PM feel free to do so.

 

In the meantime, realize she is still only doing things for herself, not you, and even if she pulled off the most elaborate Italian Job here on you she'd backpedal in a year or so when the external gym worship she used to get has faded away and there is only "The Fool" left to feed her ego.

 

You will never be enough for a NPD. They are like bottomless pits. Don't lose yourself in her neurotic need to be noticed... by everyone.

 

Ouch! This one hurt! Thanks, I needed this!

[Hero]

I agree with much of what Friskyone4u wrote above.

 

Personally, from what you related, I don't see why anyone would want to endure the time, effort, and energy necessary to try and salvage this marriage. But that's my default position: I don't see why anyone would bear this burden for anyone. I've never known a woman in my life that would be worth it.

 

But I don't understand the added significance of their pet name for you. Everything she did was dreadful. Their pet name for you hurts, but in fact they were wrong about you. They are the fools for believing that they could continue their relationship without consequences.

 

What else do you think they would call you? It's not like they are operating from a place of deep respect and value for you. People do and say strange things in these situations. In law school, a classmate was enjoying an affair with another classmate.. Her husband caught them in the act (they got sloppy), was predictably furious, and demanded that the guy get off his wife and out of their bed. During this drama, he had put his hands on boyfriend, who felt deeply "disrespected" by that, and defended himself. The result the husband got was a quick, one sided beat down by a naked guy. Well that's how the story was told, but I believe it.

 

I raise that to illustrate the absurdity of the situation the illicit couple are in. Somehow making love in her marital bed wasn't disrespectful, but an enraged hubby's reaction was disrespectful. The guy was just very self absorbed and the meanings of any words used were filtered through his warped mind.

 

So place no undue weight in their language. Their behavior on the merits is more than enough. If they called you "the professor," would it have mattered?

 

This isn't a defense, it's just a suggestion to not fixate any undue significance to their nickname.

 

Thanks for the reply, wow, husband gets beat up by the guy banging his wife after he catches them in the act

 

wow...and I thought my sitch was messed up

[Hero]

Hero, the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make. There is no right or wrong choice. All we can do is tell you our observations because sometimes your just too close to it to see things clearly, something very similar to your situation may have happened to one of us and we share our outcome with you so you don't make the same mistake we did. We like you all received promises from our wayward spouses, after my third time on the receiving end I decided on one policy and that is infidelity was a deal breaker, period. Anyone willing to test me deserves what they get. There are some on here who shoot down those of us who will not negotiate our boundaries, like I give a sh*t. In their mind 2 months, 10 months, 2 years of infidelity doesn't compare to the rest of their life they have with their wayward spouse. They can find a way to get the mental images out of their head, they can learn to live with the imbalance infidelity creates. What's the big deal, some guy she works with put his penis in her a few dozen times, she can't get pregnant.

 

It is rare that you get people saying how happy they are they waited 5 years to get through all the work required to get over infidelity. You do hear how some wished they had taken a stronger stance at the beginning rather than wasting years of their time finding out reconciliation didn't work. You also hear about others who after grieving their loss go on to find new loving mates and have the most amazing relationships, happens here all the time.

 

Hero, do what is best for you. Talk to a lawyer because you need to protect yourself, your son and your business.

 

Thanks AliveAgain, there is just something about your responses that just resonate with me

keep em coming, they give me the strength I need to move forward

[Hero]

Hero,

 

I have not chimed in, as it looked like you were getting the advise and posts you needed to expose the affair, and then move to a place of strength.

 

Aliveagain, is right the decision to reconcile or divorce is your decision to make and reconciliation would be a gift to your wife. It will also be harder then if you just divorce, as in divorce, just you alone have to work at it, and make it happen.

 

For reconciliation to happen, you first must decide that this is what you want, and then, she must understand what will be needed on her part to make this happen. A good idea of what she should be doing is listed at the top of the infidelity board.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know.

 

Read it so you know the baseline. Give it to your WW, if you think you would like to try and reconcile, measure her against it. When my wife spent us into the poor house, and I, after much soul searching decide to "save" our marriage, I asked her point blank, "Do you want to stay married? Are you willing to do the hard work to do this?" I have had to remind her a few times that in the end she wanted to stay, as well as I.

 

So...... Go do some thinking, take some time, and decide if the the hard path of reconciliation is for you. If it is what you want, ask your WW if she is willing to do the hard work on her part, and then hold her to it. Remember and remind her it is a huge gift to her.

 

Your next step will be to forgive her what she has done to you, but never forget what she did to you. You will not be able to in any case. One of the reasons that makes reconciliation so hard.

 

In reading your posts, I really do not see you thinking about staying with her. This may change. You will find that there is support on how to do this here as well. I also suggest you read threads about reconciliation and failed reconciliations. It will help you navigate though this. Threads on divorce will also be of help.

 

Finally, Aliveagain is more in the divorce camp, and I am more in the reconciliation camp, but he in honest in his advise. Please read from everyone and take what advise you need, but continue to measure against those folks who advocate the other side. In the "argument", and I mean that in a good sense, you will find what you need no matter what path you decide on.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome that can be had from all of this.

 

Thanks for such a wonderful heartfelt response, I'm speechless, there's so much wisdom in there

 

gotta print this one out for sure

[Hero]

My first question was never answered but I will go ahead and ask a new one anyway. When are you planning on having a serious discussion with your wife of 10 years? I know what she did makes you being sick of her and even the sight of her must be painful, but couples need to discuss and find solutions for problems. This is a major crisis that might lead to a divorce. Don't you need to talk through the process of it? Are texts enough to describe such a huge situation with such an impact?

 

sorry I missed your first question

I'll talk to her when the time is right

 

thanks

[Hero]

Hero,

I'm in the HAPPY ENDING camp whether it be divorce or reconciliation.

 

Are you better with her or without??? Only YOU can make that determination.

Is she willing to do the work to give you what you need to begin to trust again? It will be a new beginning.

 

Hope you, your brother and Hero have a great weekend.

You've done amazingly well so far.

Hang in there.

 

I won't lie (warning, cheap cliche alert) she completes me

 

am I better with or without her?

 

I have never allowed myself to get so caught up in another person

that I allow them to determine my worth and value

 

I am better with or without her

[Hero]

I guessed that Hero is a German Shepherd Dog! My Dad trained & breed them. I grew-up surrounded by them. They are the most intelligent, loyal, kind & loving dogs.

 

My Dad is now in his late 70's & won't get a new dog because he's afraid of the dog outliving him. You've helped me in my plan...Returning home next year & buying a German Shepherd for my kids (who desperately want a dog) & for my Dad & most importantly for ME. I desperately need those qualities "loyal, kind & loving" in my life!

 

As I said before, you've invested 10 years in this relationship, what's another few months or even a year?? I know what the insanity feels like, just needing it to be over, anything to stop the agony...

 

There's no choice that's going to stop the agony! I'm sorry but that's true. I can hear your love when you describe her "curled-up reading her love stories". You've had a very clear view of who your lady is for all of those years. The question now is...are you seeing a side of her you never saw before or is this a 'crazy' that you can recover from?

 

You will & should have lots of face to face conversations. You need to take as much time as you need to choose what you want & need for the rest of your life.

 

For me it feels like no matter what I do or say we rug sweep. The reactions from your wife...sending "Life is normal, plants & new puppy dogs" texts make me worry that she will be like my H if you let her. I wish I could turn back time & hand my H that post from the top of this forum! I should of tied him to dealing with this & OWNING the monumental damage he has done. Please don't make the mistakes that I have!!

 

Thank you so much for the response ShatteredLady!

I hope your situation gets better! Thanks for the advice!

[Hero]

Exactly. They are covering her and will as much as possible. You and your feelings don't enter into their equation. It would appear they have not said much about how you are doing or how you are feeling that I've seen. Have they????

 

It's all about her. Don't make any rash decisions, were disappointed in her. If I was her father I would have asked if you needed anything or were doing ok?

 

 

It says a lot doesn't it?

 

yes it does

[Hero]

Hi Hero.

 

 

I am not suggesting reconciling with your wife, but if you choose to do so it is your choice. Forgiveness is one thing, but reconciling another after her disrespect and no remorse. When I was cheated on (he got another woman pregnant) there was nothing that could be done to fix that.

 

 

You love her though, and at the very least convince her to see a doctor for a diagnoses. From what you describe it sounds like she has BPD. I'm not qualified to diagnose, but am observing from experience. There does not have to be a history of BPD in her family for her to have it. It can be brought on by a traumatic experience (PTSD). With medication and a lot of therapy a person can live a fairly normal life. I have recovered almost fully through therapy and a book called The Angry Heart (recovering from BPD). It is very helpful an has journaling exercises.

 

 

I also want to add, sorry you are in pain missing your mom. Holidays can be very hard without your loved ones.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thanks for the response, I appreciate it

[Hero]

Hang in there OP.

 

None of us here know sh-t about your 10 year marriage, that is what you have. So when people in here start talking about her not working for 10 years, living off you, calling you a fool for it, they are just being like always in LS: Lets all join in and flog the half dead monster while its down. Let's all just demonize her a little (or a lot) more now that we have something on her.

 

Again I do not know your wife for SH-T.

 

It should occur to anyone here who has experience, real experience with infidelity, that she didn't think of you, or start calling you "fool" until she was inside her affair. In her bubbled world, where she is doing stupid things but cannot, and worse, WILL NOT stop herself.

 

If a husband has agreed to work at home (or in a company) and doesn't ask his spouse to work, and in fact gains from the enjoyment of having his wife around during 10 years this is HIS BUSINESS. No one here has the right, as awful as your wife has been in her affair, to take whatever agreement and quality of life you two had and SH-T on IT just because she is a broken doll.

No one.

 

You were married to her, you know what she was like before she cheated. You know how she behaved when she was inside an affair. It's not important the blaming, the excuses, the rationalisations. Those things sort themselves out when the wayward spouse finally recognises the full depth of their capacity to do what they have done to their marriage and another person who has been loving them unconditionally for 10 years. I know this because my wife did the this to us for over a much longer period, but without the ridiculing and demeaning of myself with her AP. Actually it was the reverse, he could see that our marriage was fine, just fine, and that everyone knew me to be a good person, not a fool. But what people say to protect themselves from stopping themselves from doing what they know is wrong, is going to end very badly, seems limitless. People do sh-tty things when their mind is saying one thing and their emotions are saying another. All we know is that during an affair, the new emotions win. Hence the infidelity.

 

It took more than 6 months for my WW to get to the point where she could see how she was trying to blame me and our marriage and all things external she could find to explain why she had an affair. It took her another 8 months to properly examine herself, her emotional situation, her inability to stop crossing the line, her capacity for self-deception, enormous blocking of nearly 20 years of marriage.

 

I do not think that any of us that do not work in the area of infidelity will ever be fully capable of grasping, thinking through, and accepting the notion that people can sometimes fall into a psychological state in which they remain in a marriage but do everything they can to destroy it, all the while continue to claim they never wanted to leave it, lose it, or hurt the other person. The idea that someone can build a virtual bubble around their consciousness in order to operate inside an affair is just too difficult to grasp. Here they call it compartmentalisation. Others have other names for it. But in LS we name things, and then a dozen people come in a claim it all a bunch of BS. We are left with an impoverished idea of the complexity and understanding of infidelity because it turns out that those who need to understand it the most, but are in the worst possible mode to do so, is the betrayed spouse.

 

I say these things because these are what I have learned processing my wife's enormously painful, self destructive and harmful actions on our marriage and on me. You are only at the very beginning of this mess, and it's amazing that more BS's do not draw your attention to it. You aren't even halfway through discovery.

 

My marriage can definately survive my WW's infidelity. And as I have said elsewhere, what remains to be seen is if this new me will stay. I repeat, none of us know sh-t about your wife. Anyone here who is a reasonable person will know she probably did not think you were "a fool" until she met a man whose interactions created this concept. And you probably already know deep down if this is her first and only infidelity, and that supositions of how many "rodeos" she has been through is just more typical flogging a broken down animal while you have the luxury to do so.

 

Good luck with your choices. Whatever they are, if they feel right for you, will be your path to happiness. This we all know regardless of what they are.

 

I wanted to wait and respond to this one last...

I don't even know where to begin, It's like wow...finally!

Wish I could like this 1000 times

 

I cant even add anything to it, you simply nailed it! BRAVO!

[Hero]

nothing to update today guys,

calls from in-laws have stopped.

 

my sister and my son have both made it back home okay

my son made it home just before an ice storm covered the roads, thank god!

 

STBXW keeps messaging me to let me know every thing she does

every place she goes, keeps saying "I know our love can survive this"

 

I still haven't responded to anything

 

whatever

 

spending quality time hanging out with my big brother

we hung out today, watched a couple of movies, took Hero to the park

 

my brother has been pretty quiet through all of this,

just letting me work through my emotions, a shoulder of wisdom to lean on

 

I love my family, all we have is each other, when one hurts, we all hurt

 

got him for one more day then it's just me and Hero

 

see you guys later, have a great evening!

[Samhain]

I can't imagine going from "I love this woman with everything, my sun sets and rises with her" to, divorce talk, kicking her out, ignoring her and moving on strong all within 4 days.

 

Great going.

[happyman64]

Keep going Hero.

 

You are doing great.

 

Let her stew. She really needs to.

[wmacbride]

My H had an affair more than five years ago, and we were able to reconcile and move on. While only you can decide for yourself what to do next, if I had been in your shoes, I couldn't have reconciled because I don't think I would have been able to forgive the complete and utter disrespect and lack of empathy she showed you.

 

I know it could be argued that having an A was the ultimate form of disrespecting someone, but in your case, it wasn't just lies of omission, she lied right to your face, with zero problems and zero hesitation when you ran in to her at lunch. She then took her ability to hide what she was doing, and your inability to see it, and used that to further disrespect you by calling you an insulting name.

 

Add to that she was willing to risk having you find out ( inappropriate photos taken in the pool, flirting in front of coworkers at the hotel, fighting with OM in the hall) and she is either totally out of touch with reality or she didn't care too much if you found out.

 

Based on what you say of her and her love of romance novels, she is one who is heavily drawn to a fantasy life and escapism. That's not an easy habit to break. She also sounds as if she was spoiled as a child, and developed the idea that he needs always come first. Again, a hard habit to break.

 

In the end, you need to figure out if you can ever trust her again, and also if you will ever be able to separate her form the A. If you can't, it's not fair to either one of you to stay together.

[Marc878]

nothing to update today guys,

calls from in-laws have stopped.

 

my sister and my son have both made it back home okay

my son made it home just before an ice storm covered the roads, thank god!

 

STBXW keeps messaging me to let me know every thing she does

every place she goes, keeps saying "I know our love can survive this"

 

I still haven't responded to anything

 

whatever

 

spending quality time hanging out with my big brother

we hung out today, watched a couple of movies, took Hero to the park

 

my brother has been pretty quiet through all of this,

just letting me work through my emotions, a shoulder of wisdom to lean on

 

I love my family, all we have is each other, when one hurts, we all hurt

 

got him for one more day then it's just me and Hero

 

see you guys later, have a great evening!

 

Translation: I'm banking on your love for me can get Me back in the house and my credit cards reinstated