Do You See What I See?

[Hero]

Stress his stupidity - no way can someone who cares about you abet in throwing your life away. And risk a huge lawsuit for his company. My wh did the same - really effed up his company. And he risked me losing my kids 50% of the time and changing my life when I wasn't in on it.

 

This guy sounds like a douche. They really think their little relationship will be the first one in the history of the world w out consequences or fallout. Because they're so special and no one will ever find out. Because they're so smart and special. Sung in the key of me me me me.

 

I'm really sorry hero, this has been a total trigger for me and I feel horribly for you. Remember: even though your son is an adult, still model values and morals to him - he needs 1 parent who can do that. This is what kept me from hitting cougar bars and trashing the mow after d day when I was viscerally pissed. I'm so glad I kept my cool - excellent long term returns on not being a lunatic or criminal.

 

Sending you bad ass power dude.

 

Thank you my friend - sorry for the triggers

[Hero]

Listen to your lawyer, you may have a case against her company if he is her superior. If nothing else it could help you in your settlement. You need to bring her parents up to speed, she needs help. The lovers spat is him throwing your wife under the bus to save his job.

 

Thanks friend, attorney is monitoring the situation closely and will advise accordingly

[Just a Guy]

Hello Hero, I have read through your entire thread and I must say that you have handled things masterfully. I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation but if any body can handle it and themselves in an exemplary manner then I think you are that person!

I had a couple of questions for you now that the matter is moving towards a resolution. The first is 'Did you ever, in your ten years with your wife, notice anything off colour about her behaviour? It seems rather surprising to me that she would have gone from being a loving wife for whom you were the World, to some one who could disrespect you so grievously and cheat on you so blatantly? Were there any warning signs at any period during these ten years? The other question pertains to her character and moral values. You said her father is a Pastor and her mother is old school conservative. What values did they inculcate in their daughter growing up that she turned out to be so devoid of common decency and a moral compass to boot? Something must have been very wrong with her grooming or, alternatively, she was mentally or emotionally abused if not physically, for her to display these tendencies. My father was a priest and although I no longer subscribe to a strict religious regimen, I can claim with due modesty that the moral values I inculcated growing up in the shadow of my father, remain with me to this day and have guided me in the conduct of my life till date. This is the reason I am posing this question.

Regardless of the foregoing I sincerely hope that things work out as smoothly as possible in your favour and that you are able to pick up the pieces afterwards and move on with your life. I wish you all the very best in your future journey forwatd!

[turnera]

Is her mom in the picture? If so, have you told her? What about her siblings?

[Lois_Griffin]

let's just say she's been living the good life

LOL. I believe that translates to "lazy ass."

[LoveMachine67]

The phone has a backup system that allows me to access everything from the day the phone first went into service. My wife knows nothing about this. I put it there, I'm in the tech field, this is what I do. I can also log into the account online and see all the activity for the past 90 days.

 

 

Hero, I've finally found the strength to read through your entire thread, after several failed attempts yesterday. Reading your story has caused me to trigger very badly.

 

I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you throughout this ordeal. Being so fresh to you at this point, I'm certain that the full weight of your W's betrayal has not even begun to fully hit you yet. I can not even fathom how a woman could toss her entire 10 year marriage for a POS like this guy you've described!?!?

 

I tend to be one that believes in seconds chances, especially when the wayward SO come forward and confesses, then expresses true remorse while doing everything to repair the damaged caused to the marriage. However in your case, the blatant and brazen manor in which your W and this POS OM carried on in such a public fashion, combined with posting photos of this behavior to his FB page. Makes her act of betrayal totally unforgivable in my view! Then to avoid your calls, then send you those callous texts messages, not knowing that you knew what was going on at that point, makes me sick to my stomach! Please spare yourself the agony of keeping this woman in your future!

 

I would also caution you to be careful, do not let her find out or stumble across what you are posting here, as another member recently made the mistake of doing.

 

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/544098-should-i-do-anything-ride-storm-out-98.html#post6646256)

 

If your W should stumble across this thread, you may loose the element of surprise and worse yet, she will know exactly how you discovered her incriminating text messages. She could use the advise being given here to manipulate you in this time of weakness.

 

Please checkout these threads when you find the time, I think they may provide you some insight that may be helpful in your situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/529576-bust-not-bust

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/501659-wife-31-years-had-affair-my-story

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/548097-she-had-ons-now-she-s-soooooo-remorseful-wants-save-marriage

[Lois_Griffin]

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness. I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

He sounds like a nice man but you might want to remind HIM what the bible says about adultery.

[aliveagain]

Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me)

She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that)

 

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness

I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember

is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

 

Remind him that two of the deadly sins refer to infidelity, one for thinking about it and one for doing it so it must be really important to the big guy. I'm sure there is something in there about being referred to as a fool too specially when it's your wife writing about you to her lover.

 

We all have to learn to forgive in order to move on regardless of how what that future looks like. None of us will ever forget because your future was changed by events you had no control over. There is no way to protect yourself from a betrayal by the person you love and trust the most, this is why it hurts so much. Once they have crossed that line they can't undo what has been done, it will always be the big white elephant in the room. In time you can convince yourself to accept it and even find a way to live with the imbalance her infidelity has caused your marriage but it will take a lot of counselling and time to get to that point.

 

Believe it or not but telling her father the truth was a very good first step, she may be coming out of her fog. Protect yourself, your children, your finances. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to divorce because divorces take time and you will know by her actions if she is truly remorseful and worthy of a second chance, your call because to some of us infidelity is a deal breaker, period. It's always worse than they tell you so believe very little that comes out of her mouth, watch her actions. Independent counselling for her is an absolute must for reconciliation, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat. Stay strong friend.

[Lois_Griffin]

Believe it or not but telling her father the truth was a very good first step, she may be coming out of her fog. Protect yourself, your children, your finances. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to divorce because divorces take time and you will know by her actions if she is truly remorseful and worthy of a second chance, your call because to some of us infidelity is a deal breaker, period. It's always worse than they tell you so believe very little that comes out of her mouth, watch her actions. Independent counselling for her is an absolute must for reconciliation, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat. Stay strong friend.

There's no such thing as some fairy tale 'fog' that makes people act like selfish a*ssholes.

 

It's being a selfish a*sshole that makes people act that way. Plain and simple.

 

OP, don't be surprised when you start getting the huge crocodile tears and fake remorse because she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm sure once they started blowing sunshine up each other's asses, they could justify anything regardless of religion. Ego stroking is powerful after years in a comfy marriage. It's common, but real adults know it's just fluff since the real thing is your spouse.

 

It's possible this was a one-off - she doesn't sound like a serial cheater. I'm a stay at home mother for 18 yrs now. In my idiot h case, Adult interaction can be heady, especially if you start to compare the showered good smelling completely devoted employee to the wife at home paying bills, calling you out on your sh@t and covered in flour bitching about the pta. Guess which woman he's crying for now?

 

I knew, and it sounds like hero did too, almost as soon as it started that something was off. I was also told I needed help and that I was a dramatic mess. In 28 yrs together I had never felt that eerie sense that he'd broken our connection. But when he did, I immediately started vomiting almost daily.

 

I hope your wife's head is in the hotel toilet. And I hope she sees that although you're taking drastic action, she in fact broke the emotional connection with you. Cheaters detest consequences because they're special.

[italianjob]

Hello Hero, I have read through your entire thread and I must say that you have handled things masterfully. I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation but if any body can handle it and themselves in an exemplary manner then I think you are that person!

I had a couple of questions for you now that the matter is moving towards a resolution. The first is 'Did you ever, in your ten years with your wife, notice anything off colour about her behaviour? It seems rather surprising to me that she would have gone from being a loving wife for whom you were the World, to some one who could disrespect you so grievously and cheat on you so blatantly? Were there any warning signs at any period during these ten years? The other question pertains to her character and moral values. You said her father is a Pastor and her mother is old school conservative. What values did they inculcate in their daughter growing up that she turned out to be so devoid of common decency and a moral compass to boot? Something must have been very wrong with her grooming or, alternatively, she was mentally or emotionally abused if not physically, for her to display these tendencies. My father was a priest and although I no longer subscribe to a strict religious regimen, I can claim with due modesty that the moral values I inculcated growing up in the shadow of my father, remain with me to this day and have guided me in the conduct of my life till date. This is the reason I am posing this question.

Regardless of the foregoing I sincerely hope that things work out as smoothly as possible in your favour and that you are able to pick up the pieces afterwards and move on with your life. I wish you all the very best in your future journey forwatd!

 

I think Just a Guy has a point here.

 

I'd expect that someone who starts working after being a housewife for 10 years would have a lot on her mind in the early weeks, but it looks like the affair started just weeks into the new job.

 

That's quite fast, she didn't even know where her desk was and was already falling for the jerk.

 

Either something triggered a big personality change or there might be something to be found out about the previous 10 years.

 

If you do think you might want to keep a door open for reconciliation, I think you should look into this a bit more.

[Friskyone4u]

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

Your FIL does not have to live with his cheating daughter, and i am a bit surprised you are talking at this point about forgiving her. Listen to your family if anyone.

 

I hope you are not considering listening to any excuses, and you need to really think a bit more about anything with her working with her boyfriend every day even if she was remorseful, which she is NOT.

 

So far, you have played this right. It does not matter how you feel about her father. he did not betray you, she did.

[happyman64]

Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me)

She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that)

 

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness

I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember

is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

 

 

 

What you should do is go see him. Show him the texts. Let him watch one video.

 

 

Then ask him what would he do? He really needs to see and hear what you are dealing with.

 

 

And remember, the choice to D or R is always yours. It only takes one to divorce. But to reconcile takes two.

 

 

Let your WW feel the consequences or she will just do this again.

 

 

Your wife has issues my friend. And I don't think you contributed to them at all.

 

 

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

 

 

“It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become.”

Esther Perel

 

I know you are angry at her. I know you are deeply disappointed in her. Now show her just what a "fool" she really is.

 

 

Encourage her to get a good professional therapist to help her understand why she got so selfish she had to lie, cheat and destroy her marriage.

 

 

That will really throw her for a loop.

 

 

HM

[aliveagain]

I think Just a Guy has a point here.

 

I'd expect that someone who starts working after being a housewife for 10 years would have a lot on her mind in the early weeks, but it looks like the affair started just weeks into the new job.

That's quite fast, she didn't even know where her desk was and was already falling for the jerk.

Either something triggered a big personality change or there might be something to be found out about the previous 10 years.

 

If you do think you might want to keep a door open for reconciliation, I think you should look into this a bit more.

 

Just my opinion but I don't think this was her boss's first rodeo. I bet when they look into his history they will find others that had affairs with him. This is why he needs to get rid of Hero's wife. The man is a player and a predator, why else would his wife be in a bar before lunch, he has the authority and can take anytime they need off to facilitate their affair. This is information for Hero's lawyer. Your wife got used even if she thinks she did it willingly.

[italianjob]

Just my opinion but I don't think this was her boss's first rodeo. I bet when they look into his history they will find others that had affairs with him. This is why he needs to get rid of Hero's wife. The man is a player and a predator, why else would his wife be in a bar before lunch, he has the authority and can take anytime they need off to facilitate their affair. This is information for Hero's lawyer. Your wife got used even if she thinks she did it willingly.

 

Might be... Or this might not be her first rodeo... or both.

 

Furthermore the public way her boss handled this among co workers show he's not that good with this kind of things. If that's his MO he should have been out of a job a long time ago...

[Marc878]

hey everyone, have a few updates on my sitch. can't go into details right now, need to get some work done

 

meeting with attorney today - D papers should be ready to go

no action for 3 months, but will schedule an STD test anyway - can't be too careful

 

STBXW and OM apparently had a lovers spat that got so loud

other co-workers had to step in - (whatever)

BTW, he is her superior, she's his (cough) assistant

 

STBXW finally did respond, she knows I have the goods, never revealed my hand

She'll be here later today to move out some of her things

 

My brother will be here and VAR will be on

she went from anger to tears in 0 point 3 seconds

the tears, omg the tears - (um yeah, whatever)

 

I think my STBXW is broken, she needs some serious help and I hope she gets it

 

she'll be staying at a hotel here in town until we get this sorted out

she should be comfortable there - it's got a pool

 

Depends on your state but you may be able to collect damages from he company for alienation of affection. Have your lawyer check. If you expose him he's terminated. I would bet some of the texts/calls are on company time, phone and PC. I betcha!!!!

[Marc878]

Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me)

She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that)

 

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness

I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember

is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

 

Forgiving is one thing but that betrayal cuts deep and you'll never forget

[Marc878]

Her father may be a pastor and a great guy but this is their daughter and blood will always be thicker than water. No matter what, they will eventually look after her best interests and want you to take her back no matter what the evidence shows. Or how awful the betrayal. Bank on it.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

I'm sorry you're enduring this.

 

I have no idea why you'd say this to him. It will get right back to her and she can think she can fix this. If she wants to, that is.

 

Ultimately, it's your decision. But I have no idea why anyone would want a spouse that was so disrespectful and so obtuse as to behave like this and believe she could get away with it.

 

Good luck, but inviting this treachery back into your home and your bed impresses me as a remarkably bad idea.

[merrmeade]

Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me)

She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that)

 

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness

I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember

is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

hey, not so fast, Hero. I've been following developments and your truly awesome handling of everything. It's you for sure, but that you're a tech person and could instantly read the text messages? THAT bit of fortuitous destiny shortcut days and weeks of miserable wondering.

 

But as for my "not so fast" remark, I'm referring to promising forgiveness. Listen, I get this. It's a good person's first impulse and you mean it. But you're saying this to her good person dad, remember. You have not seen her efforts to walk the gauntlet back to good person. You wish for it. You support it, and for sure you will forgive if she makes it to the end (more later on what that entails). But no way can you promise anyone at this point that you will be able to forgive her.

 

You've been so insightful and needed little help so far. I imagine you realize this and so does your FIL. Just making sure.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I'm sorry you're enduring this.

 

I have no idea why you'd say this to him. It will get right back to her and she can think she can fix this. If she wants to, that is.

 

Ultimately, it's your decision. But I have no idea why anyone would want a spouse that was so disrespectful and so obtuse as to behave like this and believe she could get away with it.

 

Good luck, but inviting this treachery back into your home and your bed impresses me as a remarkably bad idea.

 

Forgiveness is essential for moving forward with your life, weather with or without your ws.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Believe it or not but telling her father the truth was a very good first step, she may be coming out of her fog.

I don't see it this way. She probably figured that she has no credibility herself and can't rehabilitate it fast enough, so this is the best hand she can play. Get her father, a man of solid morality, to indirectly make her case and plant the idea of forgiveness and reconciliation in the OP's mind.

 

It's her only real shot at planting that seed in his mind.

 

This does show me that she probably wants to salvage things. I have no idea why anyone would want to do the heavy lifting required to salvage things, but that's the OP's decision.

[merrmeade]

One more thing on the Forgiveness topic. People can make it into a judgment of YOUR character, so be prepared for that. You don't have to forgive THEIR insensitivity or, to be kinder, inability to fathom the depth of your suffering. You only have to do what you can do when you can do it. You don't owe her father or anyone else anything for her mistakes, and you don't have to convince them about what it did to you.

[Midwestmissy]

I agree he sounds like a predator - companies sometimes look the other way unless there's a lot of distracting noise, then they take action. It can be hard to fire people. Maybe boss man got too cocky, maybe his past indiscretions affected marriages but not his personal life. Maybe he was good at his job. I've met my share of narcissists in upper positions at work, they think they're bulletproof. No one is. Nor is anyone indispensable. My guess is your wife either resigned or was asked to leave after this debacle. But her boss doesn't give a flying f about her now.

 

Hero, deal with today, don't try to predict an outcome here. Whatever choices you make are yours. You may want to reconcile (where I am now), or you may say eff this. Do effective things like you have been, for long term gain and benefit to you. Sounds like she knows that denying is futile now. If she starts to blame you for what was lacking in the marriage (I can justify my affair, neglect and grumpiness and you work too much boo hoo hoo) let her know that your needs haven't been met either for a long time yet you managed to walk around this world of women without dropping your pants. If my h had spent the energy he spent on Skippy on me, we'd be in really awesome place right now. Sheesh.

 

It was hard for me to accept, but at the end of the day, my husband screwed another woman because he wanted to. I wanted the why why why, but there's no answer - he wanted to. When I asked him what she had that drew him away from his wife and family (not attractive, older than I am, uneducated) he said she wanted to sleep with him. That's what she had. It was classic willingness (slutty character, she's a serial wreck) and opportunity - it's like all the celebs who screw the nanny - true love? No you pass her on the way to fridge to grab a beer. And the seasoned ones know exactly what to say. Regardless that I was in our bed at home, not withholding. He demonized me and packaged her pretty in his mind. But she was just like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies - very disappointing and not what they appear to be. A shell, not a solid. You're a solid, not a fool. Try to quiet the why voices. You're better off teaching your awesome dog Cantonese - it'll be more productive.

 

Sigh. You're going to be ok, I promise you.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'm sure once they started blowing sunshine up each other's asses, they could justify anything regardless of religion. Ego stroking is powerful after years in a comfy marriage. It's common, but real adults know it's just fluff since the real thing is your spouse.

I think the tendency is to overanalyze these things.

 

She likely did it because she was very attracted to the man, he was receptive, and illicit sex is a whole lot of fun.

 

Consequences didn't enter into her calculus until very recently.

 

I think adultery doesn't have much to do with morality, and has more to do with a combination of opportunity and the calculus of succeeded at it without upsetting the status quo.

 

The trick is to create and enforce personal boundaries so that the opportunity is minimized.

 

Just one man's opinion.