Do You See What I See?

[Doublegold]

Every once in awhile there is a post that gains momentum and everyone jumps onboard. The OP gets sympathy, attention, admiration in the end (this time it happened in a nano minute). Usually the injured party is a man, a wonderful husband--a Hero type. Everyone in his family rushes to his side for support, dropping everything the week of Thanksgiving.....gosh my friend couldn't get an emergency flight to her dying Mother the flights were so full on Monday.

 

In this story he recovered so quickly. It is almost--unbelievable......

Edited November 24, 2015 by Doublegold
Spelling

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I've been reading this and other forums and actually I think my wife's behavior seems to be standard operating procedure for many waywards

 

I strongly agree. Her behavior reminds me so much of my WW's behavior during her affair. I believe it is a result of cognitive dissonance on the part of the WW.

 

Like Hero, I can align my WW's sudden change in behavior (negative towards me) with the timeline of her affair. This cognitive dissonance forced my WW to withdraw from the marriage, and be cold in my presence. Then begins the rationalization by re-writing marital history; being argumentative; blame-shifting; over-inflating BS faults, etc. It really requires mental and emotional gymnastics to pull it off. I think that is what Hero's wife meant in her text "I can't live like this anymore".

Edited November 24, 2015 by Betrayed&Stayed

[katielee]

Every once in awhile there is a post that gains momentum and everyone jumps onboard. The OP gets sympathy, attention, admiration in the end (this time it happened in a nano minute). Usually the injured party is a man, a wonderful husband--a Hero type. Everyone in his family rushes to his side for support, dropping everything the week of Thanksgiving.....gosh my friend couldn't get an emergency flight to her dying Mother the flights were so full on Monday.

 

In this story he recovered so quickly. It is almost--unbelievable......

 

I'm all for Hero but the one question I have is why put extensive software on a phone that records every text message unless you're already suspicious?

[Krashi]

Totally agree. I do think the WW's dad bringing up the "forgiveness" angle was a bit quick on the draw and obviously going to bat for his daughter ... kind of throwing Hero and his having experienced this atrocity under the bus actually.

Cannot recall: has she even asked to be forgiven? Very rare as an inital reaction vs blame shifting, whcih is more typical.

[66Charger]

In this story he recovered so quickly. It is almost--unbelievable.

 

What part of anything that was posted shows that he "recovered" . He clearly felt something was up for the last 4 months. So there was suspicion. To me, his initial post were denial. Different people react different ways when reality smacks them in the forehead.

If he is of mind that infidelity equals divorce, then why is how he is reacting abnormal?

Regardless of how long I was married/dating, if u saw 100s of emails text, fb pages showing a obvious affair, AND THESE PEOPLE NUCKNAMED ME THE FOOL, I would burn it all down in a day. The affair is one thing. To insult, whem someone is supporting you, would leave no room for reconciliation. How could you ever forget your wife and her lover laughing at you calling you a fool?

Edited November 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm all for Hero but the one question I have is why put extensive software on a phone that records every text message unless you're already suspicious?

 

How I read it, Hero is in the IT field and he put a data backup program in place which is standard operating procedure for IT guys. If something happens to the phone, the data can be easily restored.

[NewLeaf512]

I have never heard of a company being held liable for alienation of affection ( in those few state that even allow this type of suit) even using the doctrine of respondeat superior.

I think you may be getting this mixed up with a sexual harassment claim. And, the harassment suit would have to be brought by the cheating wife ( doubtful that she could get a lawyer to take her case since she is a willing participant in the affair).

 

Bell South. The OW sued after being dumped by her ex MM, after the affair ended and she no longer was employed. They were named and lost in proceedings for duty of care and sexual harassment because it happened at Bell South and the ex MM used a company mobile to contact her. I believe the premise on duty of care was abuse of power.

 

Will try to find the case law, it's a matter of public record. It's a notable case because it was brought and won by OW not BS. It was in the last 10 years, will have a look.

 

Hero, get your day in court in the D. Other actions are costly in both monetarily and emotionally. Things like this as a matter of public record can hurt children and there are no foregone conclusions with regard to verdict.

[katielee]

How I read it, Hero is in the IT field and he put a data backup program in place which is standard operating procedure for IT guys. If something happens to the phone, the data can be easily restored.

 

OIC.. damn I wish I could do this...

[66Charger]

In my field, my smartphone is my business life. I lost it once and it was hell trying to recover information. Everything is backed up now. If you have access to my computer, you have access to every email, text and contact I have sent.

 

Its easy, google it

 

Prettty easy in todays world and a IT guy would do it without a second thought.

[NewLeaf512]

How I read it, Hero is in the IT field and he put a data backup program in place which is standard operating procedure for IT guys. If something happens to the phone, the data can be easily restored.

 

This is the thing I find confusing. iCloud eliminates the need for this and android backs up to Google. I know many men that are distinguished members of technical staff in cloud mobile security for AWS, Azure, Qualys, Cisco and others and more cyber security notables than you can shake a stick at who also occasionally are called to give evidence as expert witnesses. Did a little round robin today and no one had heard of or contemplated doing this. It may be a US centric behaviour/ practice.

[66Charger]

No one heard of a data backup plan? Let me see how long it takes me to get a link

[66Charger]

http://mobile.pcmag.com/cell-phones/27706-how-to-back-up-an-android-device?origref=

[Sandy43]

You can get the back up info from itunes if it is backed up there, not that difficult.

[Krashi]

Bell South. The OW sued after being dumped by her ex MM, after the affair ended and she no longer was employed. They were named and lost in proceedings for duty of care and sexual harassment because it happened at Bell South and the ex MM used a company mobile to contact her. I believe the premise on duty of care was abuse of power.

 

Will try to find the case law, it's a matter of public record. It's a notable case because it was brought and won by OW not BS. It was in the last 10 years, will have a look.

 

Hero, get your day in court in the D. Other actions are costly in both monetarily and emotionally. Things like this as a matter of public record can hurt children and there are no foregone conclusions with regard to verdict.

 

Thanks. I would be interested in reading it. I have heard of discrimination cases brought because one gender was discharged or disciplined and the other not.

I can see an OW, potentially bringing a suit if her superior was involved. I would imagine the evidence of duress and compulsion etc was strong if she got a jury or magistrate to award her anything. Pretty tough to make her sympathetic. I imagine.

I never had a case in this area, so I am not knowledgeable.

[Dylon]

I brought up the point yesterday too about how odd the speed of the thread and the perfection of the narrative. Read the timeline, when it started, how the information for us came in perfectly. If I was him, no way that could have happened within 24 hours and talk and replying to posts on a forum. The lawyers, the family coming, and so much more happening like a good book to read. He's picking up his brother today!

 

Look, I said yesterday too what a sad story and if Hero is for real, my deepest condolences. There's no way for us to know if it was a well played out script or it's for real, just it's too perfect in timing and unrealistic. He accomplished way too much in short time and read and talk to us at the same time. Everyone has been helpful so Hero, if you are for real, you got the support you needed.

Edited November 24, 2015 by Dylon

[EverySunset]

I had long, drawn out drama with my ExWH until the day a light switch flipped - and I had a turnaround like Hero's.

 

It can happen. And a strong, swift approach towards personal acceptance, healing, and DECISIVE action is more than a message to an unfaithful spouse. It is a manesfesto.

 

Bravo, Hero.

[Dylon]

I had long, drawn out drama with my ExWH until the day a light switch flipped - and I had a turnaround like Hero's.

 

It can happen. And a strong, swift approach towards acceptance, healing, and DECISIVE action is more than a message to an unfaithful spouse. It is a manesfesto.

 

Bravo, Hero.

 

I don't think I or Doublepost just talked about the emotional turnaround which I can buy into. Sometimes even after someone dies, we feel no sadness until it hits us. Read the time line of when and how he gained informations about the A so perfectly in timing with our discussion here. At one point, I was able to predict what will happen next. Is it possible that all that in 24 hours, what he accomplished with lawyers, family, and gathering informations and his family is arriving now? Sure. Why not but for us to get updates and answers to our questions too? It took me a lot of time just to follow this thread.

Edited November 24, 2015 by Dylon

[lgspot]

Things can happen fast when someone is motivated and knows the system.

 

I have a friend who caught his wife and she had papers the next morning.

His wife was having an affair in a neighboring city. She lost her phone in the hotel. Fell down in a small opening by the headboard. Her and her AP tore the room up looking for it. Even tried calling the number and couldn't find it. She called husband from her sister's and told him it had been stolen. He called the police and ATT and they tracked phone to the hotel.

Through questioning hotel employees, police found out she had stayed there with a guy.

 

He called an attorney friend. By the time his wife got home, papers were waiting for her.

Turns out she was hooking up with a guy 15 years younger than her.

 

They separated for a while, but as often happens---they are back together.

 

Take care Hero and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Blessings

[Dylon]

His motivation is not in question. It's time. If I call my brother, he won't just come tomorrow in a flight. If I call my father in law about the affair, that conversation will not be short. Hero talked to everyone including staying here updating us of all his investigations and answered our questions. And his family members all within one day have made plans regarding the situation. His wife too managed to talked to her father and made decision too in one day. If I call my lawyer, everything won't be so far along by tomorrow. Heck, I probably can't even get a hold of him. If I read the affairs of my wife's text on the phone, it will take me hours. Heck, just talking to my mother can take hours if it's this serious. Forget about my emotional state or my motivations, things can't unfold like this in real life. He was here most of the time talking to us yesterday and today. How can he do all those things? The update I was waiting for was to be expected like in days or weeks, but they moved with the satisfaction of the readers within minutes or hours.

[kgcolonel]

Totally agree. I do think the WW's dad bringing up the "forgiveness" angle was a bit quick on the draw and obviously going to bat for his daughter ... kind of throwing Hero and his having experienced this atrocity under the bus actually.

 

Either Dad is throwing Hero under the bus or he wants to ensure that she does not try to return home and then Dad will need to deal with her.....

 

Dad's definition of forgiveness is completely self serving....forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation, it does deal with the forgiver letting go of the anger and hatred that will hold HIM back. There are always consequences for our actions that have nothing to do with forgiveness. One can absolutely forgive and move on with divorce etc or whatever Hero chooses, it's his choice.

 

I would however encourage him to consider the value to him in forgiving her, without regard to any relief of the consequences for her actions.

[drifter777]

Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me)

She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that)

 

Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father

I won't lie, we both got a little choked up

he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter

He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her

I said sure, but I'm just not there yet

 

He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness

I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember

is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife

 

Don't tell him or anyone else this again. First, you have no idea of the extent of her betrayal so you can't know how you are going to feel once the entirety of this mess comes out. Second, people - in this case her own father - are going to tell her what you said and that is like waving a red flag at a bull! She's going to attack you while you are in this confused, vulnerable state of mind and try to manipulate and gaslight you. And you will WANT TO BELIEVE all of her bull$hit because you hurt so bad and you just want your old life & marriage back. It's so tempting to just rug-sweep it and try to move on. Hopefully you have enough family support around you to keep you away from her. Yes, you will talk all of this over with her at some point but now is not the time. You are emotionally injured and she's a cornered lioness. Stay away.

[Hero]

Well my brother is here with me and I thought I would provide a quick update

however it appears that now I need to defend the validity of my story

 

terrific, just what I need, jump into my nightmare the water is warm - unbelievable

 

not that it really matters but for the benefit of those who have offered advice

let me try to address a few things

 

first I'm a tech guy who works from home in a business that I built.

I spend the majority of my time glued to 5 big 50 inch plasma monitors

answering questions quickly on a forum is child's play.

I'm on the net all day, this is what I do, I access information

I'm trained to have a quick analytic mind and solve problems on the fly

 

second, my son and my sister are driving and my brother is the only one

who is flying, so he got lucky and got a cheap last minute flight, big deal

 

my family is very close and since our parents died we've gotten closer

when one hurts, we all hurt, and believe it or not, my brother was going to

spend Thanksgiving alone, he was actually looking for an excuse to come.

and I'm glad he did

 

my attorney is a close personal friend of mine that I grew up with

I can call up a favor day or night , I did

I typed up a few letters to expose STBXW and OM - yeah, that takes um, like forever

 

we live in a brave new world, where information and documents can be

accessed and produced in a nano second,

embrace the change people, because you ain't seen nothing yet

 

I'm not even going to get into the so-called quick turn around of my emotions

I don't even have the patience to address something so stupid

especially after having my heart ripped to shreds

 

bottom line, I'm not here for your amusement, if you don't believe my story, don't read it

because TBH, I really could care less

 

I've decided to stop posting so much

just not in the mood to defend the pain I'm in

my brother is here and more family on the way

Just going to focus on having a good time with my loved ones

 

although I will admit, This has been therapeutic for me,

writing all this down and reading what others have been through.

The wealth of information has been tremendous

regardless how it reads, I do appreciate everyone who offered advice

This place has been very helpful, you guys are great

 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

 

BTW my STBXW has checked into her hotel

the kryptonite will be here soon, wish me luck

[StBreton]

Hero ... please do not let a few doubting Thomas' put more rain on your parade.

 

I truly believe you found this site in the nick of time. This forum is a bastion of smart, well versed relationship gurus if you will. The info you received from their experiences and general knowledge allowed you to respond in real time to your heartbreaking situation. This is the miracle of a good forum like this and the internet in general. I only wished I had found something like this when my WH (new ex) was doing his crazy affair thing a few years ago. I was blindsided and had young kids and felt lost.

 

I'm glad you'll have your family near and wish you a nice Thanksgiving. Hugs

[katielee]

take care, Hero.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just got this text message from the wife

 

=======================================================

"I know you're mad, but this hasn't exactly been easy for me either

things haven't been right between us for awhile. I can only say sorry, so many times

 

You said you would never try to control me, but that's exactly how you're making me feel.

If you're willing to give your paranoid suspicions a rest maybe we can get you some help when I get back.

 

Yes, I love you that much, see you when I get home

 

p.s. don't forget to feed the dog. hugs, kisses

========================================================

 

absolutely certifiable

 

Cheaters always act like you're " controlling and paranoid"

 

But you knew that already from the reat of the thread, didn't you?