Do You See What I See?

[hl1962]

Hey everyone, my sister and my son are on their

...

To her credit, she's been NC with OM since the hotel argument

 

That is until last night

 

OM sent her a text last night and wanted to know if she wanted to hook up

 

She told him to F off

 

whatever

 

I'll update if anything major happens, time to take Hero for a walk

 

You don't know she has been NC w/OM. She knew you could read texts.

 

No, she couldn't have any men, not the men who were looking for connection than just the look.

 

You know yourself, if you can R in the long run. remorseful_tab's H couldn't after 8 years. He read her blog confessing her love to OM at the time. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/557710-i-think-i-made-big-mistake-11.html

 

Everyone is different.

[Midwestmissy]

When I was getting blamed for being crazy, that I needed help, I believed him. What I should have asked was "since you think I'm mentally damaged, why do you leave me with your kids all day? Why aren't you concerned for their well being if they have a very unstable mother? Why not send me away for help and offer to take a leave from work to parent the children while I get well? That's what a concerned spouse would do? Oh, and screwing a social worker doesn't give you the magical ability to identify psychological disorders no matter how good she was in the sack. Sorry."

 

On my being controlling "you hide your phone, you ignore my texts and calls about if you're gracing us with your presence for dinner, you come and go as you please - you have all the control in the marriage. You brought a third person into our marriage and I'm the only one who didn't know - how is that controlling anything? Would I not have used my control powers to benefit my needs not yours?"

 

On my not caring about the marriage, "then why did you jump through hoops to make sure I never found out about the affair? If I didn't care, then an affair would make me shrug my shoulders and walk away. Why lie? Tell me and prove to everyone how uncaring I am."

 

If I (or Hero) were the horrible person who did all these horrible things, why did you want to be married to me, tell me you loved me every day, take me on trips, buy me gifts during the affair? And why are you begging to reconcile with such a horrid spouse? It's justifying everything after the fact.

 

Until they own every detail and decision about the affair, you really have to proceed with the legal route, no question. And don't sleep with her (it happens, it's called hysterical bonding, look it up) until she has results from std tests too.

[aliveagain]

Hero, the very least but first on the list of things for her to do is absolute no contact with O/M and that means they can't work together, one of them must go. If you want this POS out of your lives, decide if the job or your marriage is more important, if you choose the marriage expose O/M to the company through your lawyer. Let them know your considering all your legal options because of damages caused by O/M's breech of his fiduciary duties, he misused his authority as your wife's superior by having an affair with her at work. You have video's of them at the company sponsored function, they paid for the hotel room. He needs a consequence so he doesn't come after one of our wives or girlfriends. In the end it really comes down to your wife, she could have said no but didn't.

[happyman64]

^^^^^

 

Aliveagain is absolutely correct as well as youHero.

 

The OM needs to feel some consequences for his bad decisions as well as his continued pursuit of your WW.

 

Your attorney might not agree but I'm sure you can make his life difficult.

 

He deserves some pain. Especially if he is her superior at work.

 

HM

[Hero]

people keep asking what my wife has been doing for the past 10 years

I thought I mentioned it earlier, my wife is a fitness freak

 

she spent the majority of her time at the gym working out,

afterwards, she would come home and curl up with a romance novel

we did however make a point of spending weekends together

 

When I had to start working on a few projects on the weekends

that's when she came to me and asked what I thought about her working full time

at the same fitness club she works out at, I actually talked her into it

I told her since she spends all her time there anyway, why not get paid for it

 

she started out greeting people when they came in

2 months later she was working in an office

 

All these people she works with are in the fitness industry

I've met a few of them, but I really didn't care too much to be around them

Always felt like they were laughing behind my back

[DKT3]

Hero, take your time to decide and plan your next move. It's hard but try to turn this into a logical business maneuver. Meaning, remove emotional ties as best you can. Emotions will trick you at this point and lead to mistakes that will hinder you moving forward in whichever direction you go.

 

Sorry your here, and good luck.

[aliveagain]

Does O/M own the gym? Sounds like they have know each other in some way for the last 10 years? Gyms are one of the riskiest places for affaires, specially for stay at home moms. I think your going to find out more than you bargained for. I would insist on a polygraph as a requirement of reconciliation.

[Hero]

For the person that asked... Hero is 3 1/2 years old

[troubadour]

people keep asking what my wife has been doing for the past 10 years

I thought I mentioned it earlier, my wife is a fitness freak

 

she spent the majority of her time at the gym working out,

afterwards, she would come home and curl up with a romance novel

we did however make a point of spending weekends together

 

When I had to start working on a few projects on the weekends

that's when she came to me and asked what I thought about her working full time

at the same fitness club she works out at, I actually talked her into it

I told her since she spends all her time there anyway, why not get paid for it

 

she started out greeting people when they came in

2 months later she was working in an office

 

All these people she works with are in the fitness industry

I've met a few of them, but I really didn't care too much to be around them

Always felt like they were laughing behind my back

 

 

I could bet that there is much more to this story than you are aware right now.... just get divorced and never look back.

[Hero]

Does O/M own the gym? Sounds like they have know each other in some way for the last 10 years? Gyms are one of the riskiest places for affaires, specially for stay at home moms. I think your going to find out more than you bargained for. I would insist on a polygraph as a requirement of reconciliation.

 

No he's not the owner and I have no idea how long the OM and my wife have known each other

As far as I know, he's known her since the day she started working out there

 

Like I said, I really don't socialize with her crowd, I try to avoid them

The first time I saw him was at the bar

 

I'm really starting to think about digging a little deeper

It's just that I start having a panic attack every time I think about it

 

I'm afraid at what I might find

[afoolto no end]

Hero

 

Her job was perfect for a narcissist personality, where your constantly told you look good......

ego kibbles made her lose her mind once and for all.

Narcissists are a losing battle, it's never enough for them, you will never be enough....and it will always be your fault......I know I was married to one, if they aren't getting everything they way they need it, you get the ugly side of them..

They have no qualms about blaming you either .....

Isn't that priceless the OM called her for a booty call, I think your wife gets it now what she was...even for a Narcissist being used like that is humiating......

I hear you about wanting to inflict some damage to the OM, I think that way sometimes too, who knows maybe some day the chance will present itself....

What you can't do is believe her, my X used to say all the right things and then just do what he wanted anyway........and somehow I was blamed for it again...

Just stay quiet for now and when you get confused, stressed just be still. It helped me a lot to just empty my mind and just be still..........

[Anto_80]

I could bet that there is much more to this story than you are aware right now.... just get divorced and never look back.

 

^^^^

 

I also believe this.

 

Also, the WW is in damage control since she is realizing that the OP enabled her to live a really carefree life. She knows that she will not have a life like that ever again. To me, she wants to get back for materialistic reasons.

 

Too bad for her.

--

 

Hero is 3.5 huh, they are really fun and active at such an age :)

[lollipopspot]

I'm really starting to think about digging a little deeper

It's just that I start having a panic attack every time I think about it

 

I'm afraid at what I might find

 

How many years do the texts go back? Have you read them? What else can you do to find out more?

 

What you find may be a good way to gauge her honesty with you now, if you have any thought of reconciling. A quick fling to me is more forgivable than a years long affair.

 

From what you have written, I'm not sure that this is a marriage worth saving. She sounds like a mean person too - even yelling at your dog. The way that people treat their dependents says a lot to me about their character.

Edited November 27, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Hero]

Major setback guys

 

Just got off the phone with MIL

STBXW has agreed to turn in her resignation and get some professional help

Her parents say part of this is their fault

 

They were very strict with her as a child then when she went to college

she went on a major rebellious streak and become this self-absorbed person

I can't see how that's their fault

 

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

I was feeling strong and confident earlier,

now I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

feels like I took 3 steps forward and got knocked 5 steps back

I just don't what to think right now

 

Might look at getting myself into my own IC

Me and my brother are going to spend some time together this evening

That might help

 

I really just want to curl up the sofa right now, let HERO lick my face

and drink some more Tequila.... man this is hard

 

thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it

[lollipopspot]

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

your mother in law doesn't have to live with her. This is YOUR life, not hers.

 

Might look at getting myself into my own IC

 

that's the best idea. I think you need someone to talk to in person who can really delve into it with you. The internet can only tell you so much, and from a skewed perspective.

[Hero]

How many years do the texts go back? Have you read them? What else can you do to find out more?

 

What you find may be a good way to gauge her honesty with you now, if you have any thought of reconciling. A quick fling to me is more forgivable than a years long affair.

 

From what you have written, I'm not sure that this is a marriage worth saving. She sounds like a mean person too - even yelling at your dog. The way that people treat their dependents says a lot to me about their character.

 

I purchased this phone for her when she started this job

The messages only go back 6 months for this phone

 

She's had other phones in her own name, but those were hers,

I never backed up those phones and I don't know where they are

[lollipopspot]

I purchased this phone for her when she started this job

The messages only go back 6 months for this phone

 

She's had other phones in her own name, but those were hers,

I never backed up those phones and I don't know where they are

 

Does the texting with this guy start at the beginning of when you can check texts?

 

What other kind of digging can you do?

[Marc878]

Major setback guys

 

Just got off the phone with MIL

STBXW has agreed to turn in her resignation and get some professional help

Her parents say part of this is their fault

 

They were very strict with her as a child then when she went to college

she went on a major rebellious streak and become this self-absorbed person

I can't see how that's their fault

 

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

I was feeling strong and confident earlier,

now I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

feels like I took 3 steps forward and got knocked 5 steps back

I just don't what to think right now

 

Might look at getting myself into my own IC

Me and my brother are going to spend some time together this evening

That might help

 

I really just want to curl up the sofa right now, let HERO lick my face

and drink some more Tequila.... man this is hard

 

thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it

 

Make no mistake.

 

They are her parents and blood is thicker than water. They will do anything to put a better light on her. Including taking blame for her actions and making excuses. They will have her best interests in mind even at your expense.

 

He may be a pastor but I've known many. Yu can never trust them 100%. Especially when it comes to family. She is there priority number one. Not you.

[Hero]

Does the texting with this guy start at the beginning of when you can check texts?

 

What other kind of digging can you do?

 

It started about 2 weeks before she went from the front counter to an office

just mostly talking about her switching job descriptions

then a lot of flirting and sex jokes started about 4 months ago

then stuff like meeting up when she went out with her co-workers

apparently the bar and grill across the street was their favorite spot

 

looks like they started the PA part about 3 months ago

that's right around the time she cut me off

 

they gave me my pet name "THE FOOL" about a month ago

 

not sure what other digging I can do, may hire that PI, will talk to attorney

[Marc878]

It started about 2 weeks before she went from the front counter to an office

just mostly talking about her switching job descriptions

then a lot of flirting and sex jokes started about 4 months ago

then stuff like meeting up when she went out with her co-workers

apparently the bar and grill across the street was their favorite spot

 

looks like they started the PA part about 3 months ago

that's right around the time she cut me off

 

they gave me my pet name "THE FOOL" about a month ago

 

not sure what other digging I can do, may hire that PI, will talk to attorney

 

Cheater logic. She cut you of because of loyalty to OM. She did not want to cheat on him. Sick but accurate.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Major setback guys

 

Just got off the phone with MIL

STBXW has agreed to turn in her resignation and get some professional help

Her parents say part of this is their fault

 

They were very strict with her as a child then when she went to college

she went on a major rebellious streak and become this self-absorbed person

I can't see how that's their fault

 

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

I was feeling strong and confident earlier,

now I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

feels like I took 3 steps forward and got knocked 5 steps back

I just don't what to think right now

 

Might look at getting myself into my own IC

Me and my brother are going to spend some time together this evening

That might help

 

I really just want to curl up the sofa right now, let HERO lick my face

and drink some more Tequila.... man this is hard

 

thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it

 

It's your choice if you want to spend the rest of your life as "the fool" to this entitled, narcissistic princess. Just remember that you do have other options as well.

 

Don't sell yourself short, you are a much better catch than she is. There are plenty of women out there that have a hell of a lot more to offer you, including important qualities like respect and fidelity.

 

Take care.

[Marc878]

Hero,

 

You seem to be trying to rationalize this. Looking back at things you could have done better, different.

 

You will never be able to rationalize irrational behavior.

 

Are you perfect? Nope, none of us are but most women would not do the things she's done to you. There are no reasons, excuses. Wise up and see it for what it is.

 

She's entitled, selfish and thought she and OM were smart enough to never be caught. Their plans if they had any were banking on you being stupid. Hence the fool nickname.

[troubadour]

Also, the WW is in damage control since she is realizing that the OP enabled her to live a really carefree life. She knows that she will not have a life like that ever again. To me, she wants to get back for materialistic reasons.

 

Too bad for her.

 

 

Actually, there won't be any poetic justice if she is as hot as the OP claims. We live in "look" obsessed society and an attractive woman will have no problem with finding a new man willing to support her. Sad but true.

[lollipopspot]

I'm not sure what a PI would be able to tell after the fact, only to monitor her now, which is probably only helpful if you suspect you're still seeing that guy (and you are thinking of reconciling).

 

What about this relationship is worth saving to you? What would your life be like without it?

[Imajerk17]

Hero--

 

The next time this woman tries to blame-shift you--e.g., "I was just trying to get your attention" ect, which I do suspect is causing weak moments*, I would say something like this:

 

"Don't give me that. What about all those times these past few months I tried to reach out to you, all those times I tried to connect with you, make love to you, talk to you, and you rebuffed me."

 

Say your peace in this regard, and then go back to what you were doing before--NC. I really think it would be therapeutic for you to get this off your chest to her, if you haven't said this already. This will take away the big card she keeps trying to play--that she was this neglected wife who ran into the arms of the OM to finally get some attention for a change. And taking this card away will only do you emotional good. I cannot imagine otherwise.

 

*I am not judging you for this at all. You cannot turn off feelings for someone you loved for all these years and gave your most solemn vow to. As mentioned before, we all knew that the emotional storm clouds were going to be coming back in.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Imajerk17