Do You See What I See?

[Marc878]

Hero,

 

If you have your attourney request company records of phone calls, texts between OM and your wife that will end his career there. Have your attourney send it registered mail so the head guy has to sign for it. All companies have a conduct clause for ethical behavior so he'll be toast. They will not expose themselves to liability to keep him.

 

Probably cost you a few bucks and they may not want to do it but just say you can't some other law firm will. It just has to be a letter of request nothing official.

 

Especially if he's brazen enough after all this to call her up wanting to bang her again!!!! WTH he's thinks he invincible. I'd bust him real quick.

 

Some will warn you about seeking revenge (usually gutless cowards who are affraid of their shadows). I see it as getting justice. He didn't mind destroying your world, life. Payback well planned and executed is sweet to the sole.

[Hero]

I'm not sure what a PI would be able to tell after the fact, only to monitor her now, which is probably only helpful if you suspect you're still seeing that guy (and you are thinking of reconciling).

 

What about this relationship is worth saving to you? What would your life be like without it?

 

I honestly don't know if it's worth saving anymore

she was practically throwing her A in my face,

 

I'm starting to think she wanted to get caught

 

I just don't think I deserve this, yeah I made some mistakes

but she acts like I practically threw the guy on top of her

 

I can't get the mind movies and the words out of my mind

I can't even stand the sound of her name, makes me want to puke

 

I think I'm almost ready to hit the rage stage

To hell with this, this is not what I signed up for

[lolablue17]

It's natural to have setbacks. You're going to have them frequently in the next period. You're going to feel like you're in a rollercoaster. one minute you'll be sure where to go, the next minute you'll doubt everything you were certain about. And of course there are mixed feelings. You have your instincts, but you also miss your wife and want your old life back.

 

This is all natural. But you are going to be under all kinds of manipulations from her side. Her side includes her parents. She and her parents + maybe a friend or two, are brainstorming constantly to find plans for her benefits.

 

It's not necessarily wrong, but it means every step she takes and every word she says, is well planned carefully. Honesty is the last thing you'll get. You will get a lot of strategies well calculated by a headquater of her family and friends. Part of their efforts is to find weaknesses in your position. They know that they can't change your mind right now. So the want to postpone your decisions. This is their obvious step. I would advice it, everyone on her side would advice it.

 

You had the chance to get a portion of honesty, when it all was fresh. Then you got a glimpse of who she really is. First, she's tried to make you belive you're insane. Then, she was angry. Then she told you it's all your fault.

 

In the beginning she didn't say immediately that she's sorry for hurting your feelings and didn't take any responsibility. this happend when she didn't have time to think, and a line of advisors to plan her strategy. This is her real attitude.

 

I think you can learn a lot about people if you look at them when they face crisis or a sudden problem. For example, a if you are a father and you go with your kids on the street, and suddenly you see terrorists with guns, all (most) fathers will not run away and abandon their kids. It proves where their heart is.

 

So when your wife understood that you know something, she didn't say "Oh, what have I done, how could I hurt my husband i love so much?". She didn't cut her vacation immediately, she didn't rush to take her car, or a taxi, or a flight home to see you, and to let you know how much she loves you, and sorry for what the pain she caused you. No no no no! At these moments\hours\days, she wasn't thinking about you even for a second. All she was thinking was about herself, and how can she draw a picture in which she's great and you are the bad guy.

 

This is who she really is. The rest is only lies, deceptions, strategy and well planned manipulations.

Edited November 27, 2015 by lolablue17

[RightThere]

I just don't think I deserve this, yeah I made some mistakes

but she acts like I practically threw the guy on top of her

 

I can't get the mind movies and the words out of my mind

I can't even stand the sound of her name, makes me want to puke

 

Sounds like your STBXW is getting everyone on board to make sure she can share the blame everywhere. Her parents, you, blah, blah, blah.

 

I won't tell you what you should do, but just make sure and listen to your gut. Your head and your heart are going to tell you things over the next while. Both are influenced by other factors. Your gut will always tell you if something is or isn't right, so you need to make sure and listen to it.

 

And as for the mind movies, you need to know they will be with you for a long time. They may dull years down the road, but they are never forgotten. Everything you think the two of them did together, they did. And it was way sweatier that you can possibly picture.

 

It's part of the affair-fog.

 

Sorry to say it, but it was something I knew I needed to hear when my ex was screwing around. Her and the other man had crazy, wild sex. And when it was all done, I'm sure your STBXW muttered "I guess I better get back to the Fool."

[Marc878]

It's natural to have setbacks. You're going to have them frequently in the next period. You're going to feel like you're in a rollercoaster. one minute you'll be sure where to go, the next minute you'll doubt everything you were certain about. And of course there are mixed feelings. You have your instincts, but you also miss your wife and want your old life back.

 

This is all natural. But you are going to be under all kinds of manipulations from her side. Her side includes her parents. She and her parents + maybe a friend or two, are brainstorming constantly to find plans for her benefits.

 

It's not necessarily wrong, but it means every step she takes and every word she says, is well planned carefully. Honesty is the last thing you'll get. You will get a lot of strategies well calculated by a headquater of her family and friends. Part of their efforts is to find weaknesses in your position. They know that they can't change your mind right now. So the want to postpone your decisions. This is their obvious step. I would advice it, everyone on her side would advice it.

 

You had the chance to get a portion of honesty, when it all was fresh. Then you got a glimpse of who she really is. First, she's tried to make you belive you're insane. Then, she was angry. Then she told you it's all your fault.

 

In the beginning she didn't say immediately that she's sorry for hurting your feelings and didn't take any responsibility. this happend when she didn't have time to think, and a line of advisors to plan her strategy. This is her real attitude.

 

I think you can learn a lot about people if you look at them when they face crisis or a sudden problem. For example, a if you are a father and you go with your kids on the street, and suddenly you see terrorists with guns, all (most) fathers will not run away and abandon their kids. It proves where their heart is.

 

So when your wife understood that you know something, she didn't say "Oh, what have I done, how could I hurt my husband i love so much?". She didn't cut her vacation immediately, she didn't rush to take her car, or a taxi, or a flight home to see you, and to let you know how much she loves you, and sorry for what the pain she caused you. No no no no! At these moments\hours\days, she wasn't thinking about you even for a second. All she was thinking was about herself, and how can she draw a picture in which she's great and you are the bad guy.

 

This is who she really is. The rest is only lies, deceptions, strategy and well planned manipulations.

 

Excellent post.

 

Just because her father is a pastor doesn't mean he and his wife won't try and manipulate you to try and take care of or shine a better light on their daughter any way they can. Even at your or anyone else's expense.

[dreamingoftigers]

Excellent post.

 

Just because her father is a pastor doesn't mean he and his wife won't try and manipulate you to try and take care of or shine a better light on their daughter any way they can. Even at your or anyone else's expense.

 

So far it seems HER PARENTS are more willing to be remorseful and responsible for her affair than SHE IS.

 

How screwed up is that?

 

The fact she even said for you to call when "you come to your senses." BARF.

 

I bet there's been a lot of arguments that her pride has won over the years.

[merrmeade]

And does OP have to be celibate during this year too? or does he get a free pass to date as many women as he likes and call off the test during the 11th month claiming "found a new you"....

yeah, definitely the catch-22 to considering reconnect after separation.

[oldshirt]

Major setback guys

 

Just got off the phone with MIL

STBXW has agreed to turn in her resignation and get some professional help

Her parents say part of this is their fault

 

They were very strict with her as a child then when she went to college

she went on a major rebellious streak and become this self-absorbed person

I can't see how that's their fault

 

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

I was feeling strong and confident earlier,

now I just have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

feels like I took 3 steps forward and got knocked 5 steps back

I just don't what to think right now

 

Might look at getting myself into my own IC

Me and my brother are going to spend some time together this evening

That might help

 

I really just want to curl up the sofa right now, let HERO lick my face

and drink some more Tequila.... man this is hard

 

thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it

 

 

 

That really wasn't a set back.

 

 

Of course they are going to beg and plead. You were her gravy train for 10 years that completely supported her for no truly necessary reason. And now she may quit/get terminated from a low paying job and be completely out on the street.

 

 

What did you think they were going to do, give you an advance on attorney fees and pay for your court costs so you can toss their daughter into the street??? Naw, I didn't think so either.

 

 

This is going to happen again. There is a very real chance she will twist this around to make you sound abusive and sound like her tormenter and a cheater and child molester yourself. By the time this is all said and done her friends and family may truly dislike you and hold you in contempt and hold you at fault.

[Marc878]

So far it seems HER PARENTS are more willing to be remorseful and responsible for her affair than SHE IS.

 

How screwed up is that?

 

The fact she even said for you to call when "you come to your senses." BARF.

 

I bet there's been a lot of arguments that her pride has won over the years.

 

They are trying to do damage control. Probably for two reasons.

 

1. They knew she had it good and want it to continue no matter what.

 

2. They do not want to deal with the aftermath themselves such as a place to live, their reputations, finances, etc

[fellini]

yeah, definitely the catch-22 to considering reconnect after separation.

 

Today our MC made a comment that resonates with this point.

 

He said that a lot of couples have passed through his office facing issues like betrayal, infidelity being the big one, but other marital crisis.

 

And he said that more often than not, it is clear, very early on in the crisis, if the marriage has a chance for survival. It is not something that emerges over time. The injured party knows, just knows if it is over or not. Regardless of the extent of the pain and suffering, the injured person simply knows if the marriage can move forward or not.

 

Probably this has to do more with character than with what actually happened in the betrayal.

[oldshirt]

That really wasn't a set back.

 

 

Of course they are going to beg and plead. You were her gravy train for 10 years that completely supported her for no truly necessary reason. And now she may quit/get terminated from a low paying job and be completely out on the street.

 

 

What did you think they were going to do, give you an advance on attorney fees and pay for your court costs so you can toss their daughter into the street??? Naw, I didn't think so either.

 

 

This is going to happen again. There is a very real chance she will twist this around to make you sound abusive and sound like her tormenter and a cheater and child molester yourself. By the time this is all said and done her friends and family may truly dislike you and hold you in contempt and hold you at fault.

 

 

 

Also, I think you handled it just fine. "I'll think about it" is a perfectly valid response at this point. You haven't made any definitive plans and haven't committed to anything so it's perfectly ok to let them know the jury is still out and may be out for some time.

 

 

The big thing is just don't let them talk you into anything and don't give them any commitments, false hopes or make any promises you may not be able to keep.

 

 

In the end this is about doing what's best for you. Not them, not their daughter. Don't lead them on to believe you will continue to love and support her if that may not really be the case. But at the same time, don't bash her or bad mouth her to them. If you do end up reconciling with her, anything you say negative about her now will be held against you later.

 

 

Just be courteous and respectful to them and be neutral and non committal about your intentions. "well see" "I'm not sure what will happen" "I'm looking into all options" "I'm still gathering information" "I am discussing those things with my attorney" etc etc etc etc etc etc Are all perfectly valid responses to her family and to yours.

[oldshirt]

And I also want to add, don't let anyone (including US!) push you into making any snap judgements or hurried commitments or promises.

 

 

Even if you decided to divorce today and filed with the court this afternoon it would still take multiple months to work through the system even if everything went perfectly smoothly. It's not unusual for a contested or complex divorce to take more than a year.

 

 

So it's not like anything is going to happen fast. The only thing that was actually time-sensitive was protecting the finances and properties so she couldn't empty out the bank accounts and head to the Bahamas. Once all that is protected everyone has time to sit back and let the dust settle, fact find and weigh all options.

 

 

Don't let anyone push you into making any kind of binding decisions or commitments. It may take months to gather all the info. It may take more months to reach a decision. It may take more months to work through a divorce and it may take a couple years to work through a reconciliation.

 

 

Time is actually on your side now.

[oldshirt]

adultery does not erase all of your memory banks. There are going to be a lot of times you look back and remember the good times.

 

 

There are going to be times you are sad and disappointed about the hopes and dreams you had that will not come to fruition.

 

 

There will be times of nostalgia where you look back and then lament of the days gone by that are now simply 'different.'

 

 

 

 

That is all perfectly normal, everyone does it. But when you have those feelings, never forget what you said here in your opening post -

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went from 4-5 times a week to 2-3 times a month and in the past 3 months, nothing.

 

She also started giving me attitude about almost everything, we've probably had 1 major argument in our entire marriage, now suddenly everything I do seems to piss her off.

 

 

.

 

She brazenly treated you badly and disrespectfully while you have been providing her with a roof over her head and food on her table and a lifestyle where all you asked of her were to look good, treat you with dignity and keep you warm at night.

 

 

Then she unceremoniously rejected you sexually for months so she could put out for and remain faithful to some other dude.

 

 

All while continuing to live off of your dime and bask in the luxury and lifestyle that you provided.

 

 

Never forget that. Don't let her or her family forget it either.

[dreamingoftigers]

They are trying to do damage control. Probably for two reasons.

 

1. They knew she had it good and want it to continue no matter what.

 

2. They do not want to deal with the aftermath themselves such as a place to live, their reputations, finances, etc

 

It wasn't my point to bring the focus to why or why not her parents are taking blame. Honestly, they are probably feeling very responsible for their grown daughter contravening basic moral principles.

 

However, the parr that rings as truly screwed-up to me if his wife's total lack of sense and consideration.

 

Especially since it is so obvious to everyone else.

[dreamingoftigers]

Today our MC made a comment that resonates with this point.

 

He said that a lot of couples have passed through his office facing issues like betrayal, infidelity being the big one, but other marital crisis.

 

And he said that more often than not, it is clear, very early on in the crisis, if the marriage has a chance for survival. It is not something that emerges over time. The injured party knows, just knows if it is over or not. Regardless of the extent of the pain and suffering, the injured person simply knows if the marriage can move forward or not.

 

Probably this has to do more with character than with what actually happened in the betrayal.

 

Really? I STILL struggle with it and wonder about it day to day. I hate blanket statements.

[66Charger]

I honestly don't know if it's worth saving anymore

she was practically throwing her A in my face,

 

I'm starting to think she wanted to get caught

 

I just don't think I deserve this, yeah I made some mistakes

but she acts like I practically threw the guy on top of her

 

I can't get the mind movies and the words out of my mind

I can't even stand the sound of her name, makes me want to puke

 

I think I'm almost ready to hit the rage stage

To hell with this, this is not what I signed up for

 

This is what I dont understand. How could you go thru years of this. Why?. It is absolute self torture. The disrespect deserves a complete shut down. Again I say, spare yourswlf the mind movies. Spare yourself the trickle truth. By moving in a definitive direction and staying on course, you will train yourself how to think and more importantly, HOW NOT TO THINK.

 

Do not think about the whys and the how's. Do not look for further dirt. What for? Instead, Look at your tommorrows when you mind will be free, the nightmare over and the possibilities seem bright. A time when you will not wake up wondering "did she do x" when you don't have VARs and PIs and text searches.

 

This is your life now.

 

The one thing in life that is most precious is time. How much of your life will you spend in misery?

Get up off the floor

Just accept it.

Then kill it dead. Every bit of it.

 

But get the OM before you bury it in the grave.

 

Life is good. If you make it so.

 

I will take my leave and wish you well.

[lollipopspot]

all you asked of her were to look good, treat you with dignity and keep you warm at night...

All while continuing to live off of your dime and bask in the luxury and lifestyle that you provided.

 

Never forget that. Don't let her or her family forget it either.

 

Mature relationships are a bit more complicated than that (or should be - unless you're talking about a trophy wife situation). We don't need to write the history of their relationship for him.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I just don't think I deserve this, yeah I made some mistakes but she acts like I practically threw the guy on top of her

 

Well someone has to be to blame for this mess and she has decided that it must be you, at least in part. Otherwise she would have to accept complete responsibility, and she sure isn't going to do that now. Additionally, it is unfortunate that her parents are taking responsibility for her actions. This merely perpetuates the entitled attitude that she has held for a while now. She can't make things right, until she admits that she was wrong.

[oldshirt]

Mature relationships are a bit more complicated than that (or should be - unless you're talking about a trophy wife situation). We don't need to write the history of their relationship for him.

 

She spent her days working out and reading romance novels for 10 years with no children. How is that not a trophy wife situation?

 

 

I'm not questioning his love or devotion for her, nor am I knocking trophy wives, but just telling it like I see it. Her responsibilities in the marriage were to keep firm, look cute and keep him warm at night and she still mucked it up.

 

 

I'm not writing the history of their R, just relaying the information he has provided.

[oldshirt]

I thought I mentioned it earlier, my wife is a fitness freak

 

she spent the majority of her time at the gym working out,

afterwards, she would come home and curl up with a romance novel

we did however make a point of spending weekends together

 

Both of which are essentially self-indulgent and fundamentally nonproductive activities.

 

 

I'm not negating the importance of health and fitness and I like to work out myself. But there is a difference between obtaining the AHA-recommended 20 minutes of vigorous physical activity most days of the week and someone who spends most of every day like a hamster on an exercise wheel.

 

 

My point to this post is she has lived a self-indulgent and entitled life with minimal responsibility and minimal tangible contribution.

 

 

She has lived a princess life and now she is at risk of being dethroned and losing her crown.

 

 

That could make her very dangerous.

[sandylee1]

Some things about your situation that would really make it hard (to impossible ) to reconcile are:

 

Being called 'the fool'

Being cut off sexually

Being told to call when I come to 'my senses'

 

 

Your wife got to not work for 10 years. I have 3 kids and I've never not worked. She took you for granted and yes..... she took you for a fool.... but you aren't a fool. Being attractive doesn't mean you can do what the hell you like..... so she can get any man ? Let her go right ahead and do that.. she already did actually.

 

Another thing... her saying you can't work on the marriage while she's in a hotel is very presumptuous. Why does she assume you want to work on it? Because she's that irresistible you'd take this crap from her?

 

Yes you can't legally keep her put. ... but what one BW said to her WH was that if he moved back before she was ready and still undecided. .... that reconciliation was NEVER going to happen. That would show further disrespect for her on top of the affair. She told him staying away was the very least he could do while she was in turmoil.

 

She promised him that if he moved back in she was filing for D immediately.

 

Guess what?....... he didn't move back in.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some things about your situation that would really make it hard (to impossible ) to reconcile are:

 

Being called 'the fool'

Being cut off sexually

Being told to call when I come to 'my senses'

 

 

Your wife got to not work for 10 years. I have 3 kids and I've never not worked. She took you for granted and yes..... she took you for a fool.... but you aren't a fool. Being attractive doesn't mean you can do what the hell you like..... so she can get any man ? Let her go right ahead and do that.. she already did actually.

 

Another thing... her saying you can't work on the marriage while she's in a hotel is very presumptuous. Why does she assume you want to work on it? Because she's that irresistible you'd take this crap from her?

 

Yes you can't legally keep her put. ... but what one BW said to her WH was that if he moved back before she was ready and still undecided. .... that reconciliation was NEVER going to happen. That would show further disrespect for her on top of the affair. She told him staying away was the very least he could do while she was in turmoil.

 

She promised him that if he moved back in she was filing for D immediately.

 

Guess what?....... he didn't move back in.

 

Has she even asked what you might need AT ALL?

 

Or how you were feeling about any of this?

[happyman64]

Hero

 

Go hang with your brother. Enjoy the time with him now.

 

You can clean up the mess in aisle 5 after your brother leaves to go home.

 

HM

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Major setback guys

 

Just got off the phone with MIL

STBXW has agreed to turn in her resignation and get some professional help

Her parents say part of this is their fault

 

They were very strict with her as a child then when she went to college

she went on a major rebellious streak and become this self-absorbed person

I can't see how that's their fault

 

begged me not to make any life changing decisions right now

told her I would think about it

 

I know you are on an emotional roller coaster, bro, but this isn't a setback.

 

What she does is her business. Parenting fault has nothing to do with you.

[Hero]

hey guys nothing major to update

 

me and my brother are headed out to a jazz festival and then a holiday light show tonight

 

gotta get out this office for awhile, live a little and go see the world

 

this crap will still be here when I get back

 

have a great evening everyone! will keep you posted!