Girlfriend play fighting with her single male friend

[elsydeon]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now, and we live together.

Often she will have one of her single male friends over (pretty much every weekend), now, we all get along quite well, but I have had my suspicions of this other guy for a while now.

 

On many more than one occasion he will initiate 'play fighting' with her while we are all having some drinks. Like chasing playfully and light smacking on legs and sometimes progresses to grabbing/wrestling whilst still standing. I have talked to her calmly about this, and said I am not comfortable with this and it makes me feel as if there is some sort of underlying affair between them. She always assures me that I am just paranoid and that there is nothing there, and even though I voice my concerns she continues to do this sort of thing anyway.

 

She has known this guy for a long time, and as far as I know there never has been anything between them before. But, the play fighting is only welcomed if it's him doing it, aka if I try while he is over, she rejects it as well as any form of affection towards her (kissing, hugging etc) - she is more rejecting when he is present. I feel there are signs of something not quite right, but I feel trapped and if I say anything I will likely get into a fight with her.

 

They shared a room overseas in Thailand before I got there, and also when I did arrive (my travel visa was approved later than theirs) I couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment on his face. He also was apparently a lot more energetic about exploring places with her before my arrival.

 

Often, she seems to place a large commitment and interest in what he wants / has to say, laughs at almost everything he says even if it really is not funny at all, and even though I am her boyfriend I end up feeling like the third wheel.

 

Recently as well, he had said he had plans on Friday night and could not come over as a result, she was very very pushy and interested in 'what he did' on that Friday, eventually saying that he had a date and kept teasing him about the prospect of it being that.

 

All in all, my gut feeling on this is that there is something going on, either on one of their parts, or both. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but I am considering leaving her and I feel like I cannot make a reasonable conversation with her on this matter.

 

Thank you for reading.

[PegNosePete]

How old is she? She sounds very young and childish.

How long has this been going on?

Have you been accepting her doing this for 4 years??

 

I feel like I cannot make a reasonable conversation with her on this matter.

Well, that's a big problem right there. If she can't talk about it in a mature manner and understand how you feel then there's a big problem. Even if she disagrees with your opinion, she should still be able to understand and respect your feelings.

 

Personally I would not stick around with such a woman. She is disrespecting you and your feelings and your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think they have a crush on each other. There might not be anything going on between them beyond what you're seeing, but it seems obvious that there is some attraction there.

 

The fact that you have spoken to her about this and she basically ignored you says a lot about her level of respect for you. Also, you feeling you can't talk to her about this without it causing a fight is problematic. There are some communication problems between you two. Let her know this flirting stops or you're walking.

[elfman]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now, and we live together.

Often she will have one of her single male friends over (pretty much every weekend), now, we all get along quite well, but I have had my suspicions of this other guy for a while now.

 

On many more than one occasion he will initiate 'play fighting' with her while we are all having some drinks. Like chasing playfully and light smacking on legs and sometimes progresses to grabbing/wrestling whilst still standing. I have talked to her calmly about this, and said I am not comfortable with this and it makes me feel as if there is some sort of underlying affair between them. She always assures me that I am just paranoid and that there is nothing there, and even though I voice my concerns she continues to do this sort of thing anyway.

 

She has known this guy for a long time, and as far as I know there never has been anything between them before. But, the play fighting is only welcomed if it's him doing it, aka if I try while he is over, she rejects it as well as any form of affection towards her (kissing, hugging etc) - she is more rejecting when he is present. I feel there are signs of something not quite right, but I feel trapped and if I say anything I will likely get into a fight with her.

 

They shared a room overseas in Thailand before I got there, and also when I did arrive (my travel visa was approved later than theirs) I couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment on his face. He also was apparently a lot more energetic about exploring places with her before my arrival.

 

Often, she seems to place a large commitment and interest in what he wants / has to say, laughs at almost everything he says even if it really is not funny at all, and even though I am her boyfriend I end up feeling like the third wheel.

 

Recently as well, he had said he had plans on Friday night and could not come over as a result, she was very very pushy and interested in 'what he did' on that Friday, eventually saying that he had a date and kept teasing him about the prospect of it being that.

 

All in all, my gut feeling on this is that there is something going on, either on one of their parts, or both. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but I am considering leaving her and I feel like I cannot make a reasonable conversation with her on this matter.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

1.- Totally un-acceptable behavior on her part. She's in a serious relationship, friend should visit occasionally, not regularly.

 

2.- She is rejecting of affection when he is around because she has probably told him (if there is something there) that you guys are not doing great, so it would be incongruent to have you all over her while he's there.

 

3.- Shared a room / look of disapointment -> Gone far enough.

 

4.- She can either have him or you, her call, make her decide.

 

5.- Save yourself the time, this is going straight to a cliff.

 

E.

[veggirl]

She sounds more into him than you! I would have a huge problem with this, that is so disrespectful! It sounds like your suspicions are misguided--yeah he might have a crush on her but she CLEARLY has one on him, she dismisses you around him and is jealous of a possible date he went on. This isn't good. I'd call her out on it and if she isn't wiling to drastically change things then you may need to consider finding another gf. Do they hang out alone?

[Glitters]

First , it's disrespectful to you. If she is into you, she shouldn't be doing play fights , wrestling , etc with another guy. Sharing room ? And the rest ?

 

Before you know it , it's going to get ugly and blow up. She needs to break up with that guy or you. You will get the usual reply , " we are just friends" and the like. If right under your nose , they don't bother , I would wonder what they are doing the moment you turn your back !

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. Sorry, But when it's YOU that starts to feel like a third wheel in your own relationship, then you have major problems.

 

 

I mean, how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If it were you wrestling around and "play fighting" with another girl right in front of her? Or you giving her the cold shoulder when this other girl is around? Or would she be okay with you sharing a room with this girl before your arrival on the trip?

 

 

I have a feeling that there would be NOTHING you could say that would stop her from flipping her sh*t! So, why should you be expected to be okay with it?

[Spectre]

She REJECTS the behavior from you when he is around? Dude, garbage day is Wednesday for me, take out your trash by then.

[Silverlight]

Sounds like an attention whore who has fun getting to watch your head smoking while her boy toy eats out of the palm of her hand. Like Spectre said, probably time to take out the trash if she doesn't stop being such an attention whore.

[lil hoodlum]

The time to make reasonable conversation with her behavior is over. Time to put your foot down and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you. You are her boyfriend, not the friend. If she can't or won't prioritize your feelings on this, it is time for you to walk.

 

Her behavior is very disrespectful to you and is a deal breaker for most people.

 

 

Please read and re-read the previous posters advice, they are speaking the truth.

[lolablue17]

I agree with anyone else here. The question if ther's more than you know is irrelevant. What you do know is enough. I would have left already.

 

Never, ever, never ever never confront her about it. You talked to her about it and she ignored your feelings. That's it. If you confront her you're stepping with your eyes open to the "weak whining pussy guy" position.

 

Just make you preparation to break up (Finalizing you mutual lease, packing...) and by the way tell her that you break up with her. Don't tell her right away why you're doing it. Only if and after she is willing to do anything to get some attention from you, only then, tell her that her behavior was inacceptable, and she can find other pussy's who will accept her disgusting disrespectful behavior.

[twosadthings]

I know that the general wisdom on this and other sites is to not get into a confrontation with another guy over a woman but I just don't buy it. I see where you or anyone wouldn't want to go to jail because of an assault charge but why wouldn't you put a stop to the "play" fighting right at its source.

 

The next time it happens stand up for yourself and tell the guy you don't appreciate it and if it doesn't stop he is no longer welcome in your home. If your girl doesn't respect you by understanding how you feel she isn't worth being someone for whom you have feelings.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

Edited November 23, 2015 by twosadthings
typo

[smackie9]

What they have is more intense than what you have with your GF. When it comes to guys, you know they are they for one reason and one reason only....to get the girl. Girls who have guys orbiting around them are just waiting for the opportunity to swoop in to get the girl. You GF is an attention whore and is using him for emotional stimulation, that is something that should be reserved only for you. I doubt very highly you can breakup their dynamic no matter how much you speak up about it. She is going to be very protective of her friend.

 

You can just tell her three is a crowd in this relationship, and you are tired of being the third wheel.

[mystikmind2005]

hmmm, is it possible for you to bring a girlfriend home and do a similar thing in front of her?

[Spectre]

hmmm, is it possible for you to bring a girlfriend home and do a similar thing in front of her?

 

Don't do that because the shady girlfriend will just use that to justify how she behaves with her little buddy.

 

I would simply PHYSICALLY stop them next time I see it. Then I'd dump her.

[preraph]

I dunno. To me, it sounds more like a sibling relationship. And when you have someone like a sibling you've known since childhood, haven't you ever been embarrassed to have your man/woman getting a little grabby trying to regain your focus? Just presenting another side. My guess is if she wanted to be with this guy, they'd already be together.

[mystikmind2005]

Don't do that because the shady girlfriend will just use that to justify how she behaves with her little buddy.

 

I would simply PHYSICALLY stop them next time I see it. Then I'd dump her.

 

physically? uhhhh no.

 

They say two wrongs don't make a right.... but if it is for educational purposes, then that is ok i think.

[Glitters]

I dunno. To me, it sounds more like a sibling relationship. And when you have someone like a sibling you've known since childhood, haven't you ever been embarrassed to have your man/woman getting a little grabby trying to regain your focus? Just presenting another side. My guess is if she wanted to be with this guy, they'd already be together.

 

I disagree.

 

By giving ' sister- brother' label , most people try to get away with these situations. I've yet to come across adult blood sister / brother to behave like this, leave alone ' friends' !

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now, and we live together.

Often she will have one of her single male friends over (pretty much every weekend), now, we all get along quite well, but I have had my suspicions of this other guy for a while now.

 

On many more than one occasion he will initiate 'play fighting' with her while we are all having some drinks. Like chasing playfully and light smacking on legs and sometimes progresses to grabbing/wrestling whilst still standing. I have talked to her calmly about this, and said I am not comfortable with this and it makes me feel as if there is some sort of underlying affair between them. She always assures me that I am just paranoid and that there is nothing there, and even though I voice my concerns she continues to do this sort of thing anyway.

 

She has known this guy for a long time, and as far as I know there never has been anything between them before. But, the play fighting is only welcomed if it's him doing it, aka if I try while he is over, she rejects it as well as any form of affection towards her (kissing, hugging etc) - she is more rejecting when he is present. I feel there are signs of something not quite right, but I feel trapped and if I say anything I will likely get into a fight with her.

 

They shared a room overseas in Thailand before I got there, and also when I did arrive (my travel visa was approved later than theirs) I couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment on his face. He also was apparently a lot more energetic about exploring places with her before my arrival.

 

Often, she seems to place a large commitment and interest in what he wants / has to say, laughs at almost everything he says even if it really is not funny at all, and even though I am her boyfriend I end up feeling like the third wheel.

 

Recently as well, he had said he had plans on Friday night and could not come over as a result, she was very very pushy and interested in 'what he did' on that Friday, eventually saying that he had a date and kept teasing him about the prospect of it being that.

 

All in all, my gut feeling on this is that there is something going on, either on one of their parts, or both. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but I am considering leaving her and I feel like I cannot make a reasonable conversation with her on this matter.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

Someone who responded earlier may have been wise in suggesting "This is going straight to a cliff"...

 

 

BUT my immediate instinct is that people who really DID have "something (current) to hide" would suck more at their attempt at so doing.

 

 

My feeling is that they have been "closer" than reported to you, when in the past together, and they just developed this odd-seeming interaction which will thrive until you either put a stop to it, OR you either leave the situation and don't have to know how it transpires anymore.

 

 

I think it is quite certain that the third wheel wants to be banging your girlfriend (if he isn't already so doing).

 

And no doubt sheeeeeeeeeee is thriving on his attention, if nothing else.

[Clockwork]

There are threads where there is a clear red flag and you hope that the OP sees it. This is one of those threads. Sorry brother, it doesn't sound good.

[Radu]

So I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now, and we live together.

Often she will have one of her single male friends over (pretty much every weekend), now, we all get along quite well, but I have had my suspicions of this other guy for a while now.

 

On many more than one occasion he will initiate 'play fighting' with her while we are all having some drinks. Like chasing playfully and light smacking on legs and sometimes progresses to grabbing/wrestling whilst still standing. I have talked to her calmly about this, and said I am not comfortable with this and it makes me feel as if there is some sort of underlying affair between them. She always assures me that I am just paranoid and that there is nothing there, and even though I voice my concerns she continues to do this sort of thing anyway.

Couples sometimes call this foreplay, why is she doing it with him.

 

She has known this guy for a long time, and as far as I know there never has been anything between them before. But, the play fighting is only welcomed if it's him doing it, aka if I try while he is over, she rejects it as well as any form of affection towards her (kissing, hugging etc) - she is more rejecting when he is present. I feel there are signs of something not quite right, but I feel trapped and if I say anything I will likely get into a fight with her.

That could indicate it matters to her that he does not see affection between the two of you, it's one thing to know there is relationship between 2 ppl and another thing to see there is a relationship between 2 ppl.

If it's true that she is holding back, i would go with this as pretty good proof.

 

They shared a room overseas in Thailand before I got there, and also when I did arrive (my travel visa was approved later than theirs) I couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment on his face. He also was apparently a lot more energetic about exploring places with her before my arrival.

 

Often, she seems to place a large commitment and interest in what he wants / has to say, laughs at almost everything he says even if it really is not funny at all, and even though I am her boyfriend I end up feeling like the third wheel.

I know that feeling.

How old are the parties involved ?

She sounds like one of those girls who actively and thoroughly believe that 'just friendship' occurs between boy and girl well, even if they are both straight, young and they are bff's after just a few yrs.

 

Recently as well, he had said he had plans on Friday night and could not come over as a result, she was very very pushy and interested in 'what he did' on that Friday, eventually saying that he had a date and kept teasing him about the prospect of it being that.

 

All in all, my gut feeling on this is that there is something going on, either on one of their parts, or both. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, but I am considering leaving her and I feel like I cannot make a reasonable conversation with her on this matter.

 

Thank you for reading.

This sounds very similar to the start of an emotional affair.

It always starts with someone taking up space, time, and attention .... of your spouse/significant other.

'but we are just friends honey !'

[Radu]

The time to make reasonable conversation with her behavior is over. Time to put your foot down and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you. You are her boyfriend, not the friend. If she can't or won't prioritize your feelings on this, it is time for you to walk.

 

Her behavior is very disrespectful to you and is a deal breaker for most people.

 

 

Please read and re-read the previous posters advice, they are speaking the truth.

 

This is another thing, in this kind of situation, talking it out ... will get your partner not respecting you.

And she is not respecting you now ... talk is cheap, action is better and if you were married with kids i would tell you otherwise, but dump her.

[sandylee1]

hmmm, is it possible for you to bring a girlfriend home and do a similar thing in front of her?

 

I agree.

 

Nothing like a taste of your own medicine.

 

She sounds very immature to me. Time to give her a dose of reality and look at where this relationship is headed....otherwise you are simply wasting time with her. You shouldn't feel like the third wheel in your relationship and the fact that you've expresses how you feel and she ignores is very telling.

 

Personally I wouldn't bring it up again... I'd just end the relationship if my BF did that and ignored my feelings.

[Spectre]

physically? uhhhh no.

 

They say two wrongs don't make a right.... but if it is for educational purposes, then that is ok i think.

 

It's not wrong to physically separate a female with a boyfriend who is behaving inappropriately with some male "friend". Nobody said beat her, just physically separate them. She can play fight with her little friend then she can be physically separated from the little friend too.

 

Also you just don't seem to get how people this selfish and naïve operate. If he does this in front of her she will use it as an excuse to justify her actions. That is what people who have no clue what these crazy things called "boundaries" are do.

[jacksparrow007]

Keep men away from you gf/wife..., there are everyday instance of female family members having affairs with another completely unexpected male family member, which might a really close relative. Women are really weird, because every time I think to myself "aha, so this is how they are" it always turns out to be different. Right now I'm trying my luck with this book (The Obsession Formula Reviews - the obsession formula system) after many different books I've read before.