Wife cheated on coworker- where to go now

[eischman]

Last Wednesday I got the worse call of my life. A woman called to tell me her husband and my wife were having an affair. I quickly denied it saying no way but the evidence was telling. I was in shock so I went straight to a councilor to find out how to start the conversation with my wife and get her to fess up.

 

I told her I got a call from his wife and she quickly said his wife was crazy and jealous. I lied and told her that his wife hired a investigator and there were pictures. She them admitted to having an affair for the past year. She told me they stopped about a month ago and that she wanted to break it off but did not want to hurt him. He broke it off when his wife found out but tried to get my wife back 2 weeks after and still tries to ask her how she is doing. She says she told him they have to stop.

 

Background We have been married for 22 years and it has not been a loving relationship. For the past 10 years she has pushed away citing depression and I have tried to do everything to get her out of depression. We have not had sex for 7 months and only a few time in the past 2 years. Sex hit a all time low a few years ago because he did not have interest and would say I am tired but go ahead as long as I dont have to work.

 

We went to a marriage counseling the day after I found out and she was told she needed to truthfully tell me everything but had the right to not answer. I asked a lot of questions. They were very sexual. It started as work lunches and talking in the parking lot. At first she said sex was not the relationship and only a few times to 1 every other week, to we had a lot of sex at first. They met on weekends and took 5-6 days off together as late as a month ago. They talked about getting married and he mentioned putting a baby in her (she is 47). She says she just nodded but he was pushing it. She told me he made her feel good and wanted and not judged. She says she wanted to end it but he was persuasive. She says she is glad it ended because she really loves me.

 

I dont know what I want. I did not think she was capable, I run a lot and had ideas in my mind it could be happening but said if she finds love it is better than her being in depression. I was ready for a divorce but scared to death.

 

Now I dont know why she wants me so much? Guilt ? fear of divorce? Fear of her kids finding out? If we continue I need to find the right reason.

I had no idea why she had depression but she opened up to me. She was always afraid I was having an affair. Her boyfriend before me cheated on her repeatedly. When we first got together she accused me a lot and after we were married I kept and email from her about a woman trying to get a coed racing team. My wife it and thought we were flirting. I got mad and told her to email me at work so I could explain my wife was insecure and does not want me to race or train with her. My wife found that.

 

She was so sure I was having an affair with her and others. It made her depressed. She confronted me and I thought she was okay.

 

She was getting more and more depressed so I tried to get her to exercise. She says she felt it was me trying to change her to be one of the athletic girls who do those races. She told me how bad it got and that she would think about me having sex with them when we made love. Her depression continued but it did not appear to be that bad. She talked about work nonstop and about the stress of work but I had no indication of the magnitude. She thought about me having sex with other women while making love with this guy (mad at me)

 

She had a long affair and I am devastated wondering where to go. She says she will do anything to make it up and will find another job. She is terrified of what the kids will think of her as well. She was so against adultery and was sickened by her brother infidelity. How could she cross that line. I dont know if I can forgive her. I dont know if I want her back. She has no interest in the activities I love (i feel she has hated them thinking they were orgies)

 

She says she wants me to be happy and it is all her fault but is angry when she thinks i just want a divorce. Yesterday we talked and she got angry because the discussion was about how to fix her and that I had a part in our unhappiness

 

I forgot to mention that she says she wanted to call it off because he started to be clingy and controlling him

 

Help me...I do not have a plan it it keeps changing. Divorse...making work out...divorse

[PegNosePete]

OK, first things first. Cheaters LIE. And when you catch them out in one lie, they tell another lie to cover it up.

 

I think she has been feeding you a whole lot of BS since you found out. Sorry but your wife is feeding you a story to diminish her involvement and relieve her guilt. She has lost her affair partner because his wife found out, and now she is back-pedalling and lying to diminish her responsibility, and to try to keep you as Mr. Backup Plan. Do you really believe she called the affair off because she loves you? If his wife had not found out, then you can bet your bottom dollar they would still be at it and you'd be none the wiser.

 

Personally I would divorce her instantly. There is no going back after someone has destroyed a marriage that totally and utterly.

 

But if you really want to make it work then you need to lay down the law and tell her exactly what the terms of your not divorcing her are:

 

1) She will tell you right now, everything that you want to know. She will answer all your questions without hesitation, omission or deviation, and if you later find out something she lied about or omitted then you will divorce her immediately. You will have all passwords to her phone, email, etc. She has no privacy until she's regained your trust.

 

2) She will never speak or have any kind of contact with the other man again. She will leave her job immediately and never send him a single phone call, text, email, facebook, or carrier pigeon. If he contacts her, she will bring it to you immediately and you will craft an appropriate response together.

 

3) You will go to marriage counselling and she will tell the complete truth subject to clause (1) above.

 

If she fails to agree to these terms, or agrees to them and then subsequently breaks them, then you will divorce her immediately. No second chances. She is already on her last chance.

[eischman]

Pegnosepete,

Since talking with her she has tried to diminish her story and I have probed and gotten what may be more truths. I asked her if it would still be going on now if they weren't caught and she said probably yes because she did not know how to end it. She says she is glad it out because it is weighing on her so long. She is a great mother and loves her kids so much. I feel she loves the stability of home and me always caring for her. I tried so hard to get her to take days off with me and go for walks but she said no I don't feel like it.

I am so confused. For the past couple of years I said to my self I hope she finds someone to make her happy. If she cheats we can move on and start better lives.

 

 

She asked me to read her journal from ten years ago. In it she talked about how she wanted so much sex from me and loved me but couldn't stop thinking about me committing adultery. She went to a therapist and it help make her feel better about herself and she applied the confidence things at work. She also talked about all the sexual advances at work and how they made her feel good about herself and how she told me a little about it to make me jealous and want her more. She talked about wanting me more but finding herself pushing me away because of the thoughts of me being unfaithful made her angry and take it out on me.

 

 

A few years later she seamed more relaxed and said she was not jealous and I could go race co-ed. Even though she did she became more and more distant and did not want physical contact sexual or not.

If we stay together and she is faithful , what kind of life would we have? I asked her to make a list of the why's and told it would be different. I wont want to listen to her talk about work. I will not try to bend over backwards to try to make her happy.

[PegNosePete]

probably yes because she did not know how to end it.

Ahem, BULL POOP.

It's very easy to end an affair. "It's over"

The truth is, she did not end it, because she did not want to end it.

Sorry but she's still lying, lying lying to you.

That is what cheaters do!

[eischman]

I know I still must kind of want to forgive her because of the good times and the family we built, and the dreams we had together. (yeah blah blah blah)

 

She took the entire week off and I am tempted to do the following:

 

We would go to her work and I would hide. I would have her text him to meet him outside. I would control her phone. When he came out he would tell her that it is off and that her husband found out. That their affair was a mistake and she know now how much she loves her husband and want the marriage to work out.

 

Why? I think I would gain some insight about where they are now. Am I crazy?

[PegNosePete]

Why do you need to go to that elaborate work hoax thing?

 

Just have her call him up right now, on speakerphone so you can hear, and say it over the phone. And end the call by having her say that if he ever contacts her again she will call the police for harassment.

[eischman]

you are a straight shooter and I like that. I am at work so it cant happen but am off for a therapy session at 11 am and could do it afterward. I wanted to read the body language but the speakerphone may work. I do want to get conversation to see if there is something she has not told me.

[PegNosePete]

Absolutely. Now is not the time for pussy-footing around. When you get home, tell her to do it there and then. If she says no or objects in any way, remind her that she said she would do anything to save the marriage. If she still refuses, tell her you'll be filing for divorce the next morning. And remember to lay down rules 1-3 above, first.

[eischman]

I plan to do it after my session today at 11. Should I have her start by texting him saying. " can we talk? My husband is so mad at me right now. I am scared and really don't know what to do.

 

 

then l wait for a response and go from there but eventually say we got to stop contact after this so dont contact me again or I will contact HR or the police if necessary.

[LifeNomad]

everyone has different ways of dealing with this, if I were you, the only way I would even consider staying with her is by doing following (and again this is just me)

 

 

- I know it would be hard to trust her, and no matter u tell her to tell the other guy, she can easily go back when ur not around and tell him "oh I didn't mean that, my husband made me". So u would need to be 100% sure the other guy actually hated her, that he actually felt or thought she was the worst mistake and he should've never even thought about sleeping with her. One way for example would be for ur wife to disclose their relationship and affair at work of course with the eventual end result being that she quits, but basically screw him over at work so he gets terminated as well.

 

 

- Also, I would ask wife to talk to the other guys wife and disclose every since nasty dirty deed they did. So the other guys wife can know what a real scumbag he is.

 

 

- Basically just figure out how she can screw up his personal and work life, so that he hates her and wont even think of contacting her again.

 

 

If she doesn't want to do it, I would suspect theres still feelings or something going on with them.

 

 

Basically she would need to prove shes with you 100% and would need to prove her loyalty and commitment.

 

 

Once all that settles, it going to be up to you if you want to keep her after she proved or tried to prove herself.

[stillafool]

When most women think their husbands are having an affair they try to give him more sex than he can handle so he will not need it from an affair partner. They don't deny their husbands sex. Your wife is lying and of course she knew how to end the affair. She will not get better at meeting your needs. She is making excuses because she doesn't want to give up her cushy life. I'd divorce her arse so quick she's see stars.

[PegNosePete]

Should I have her start by texting him saying...

No need for the games.

 

Just tell her to end it with the other guy once and for all, on speakerphone so you can hear what they're both saying.

 

How she words it is up to her but if she does not do it forcefully and 100% finally then you divorce her.

 

You need to be ready to divorce her at the drop of a hat if she doesn't follow your instructions to the letter. And you need to be ready to divorce her if she puts one foot wrong.

 

Talk to the guy's wife to see what he has told her. I bet you a million bucks he has told his wife the same as your wife has told you. Any hint of the stories not matching up, divorce.

[frigginlost]

Why do you need to go to that elaborate work hoax thing?

 

Just have her call him up right now, on speakerphone so you can hear, and say it over the phone. And end the call by having her say that if he ever contacts her again she will call the police for harassment.

 

^^^^ That.

 

If she is/wants it truly over with him, she will have absolutely no problem with doing what Peg has suggested. If she in anyway tries to manipulate it into not wanting to do it, she is flat out playing you.

 

There is no "gray area" when it comes to cheating. It is nuclear and everything moving forward is either black or white.

[eischman]

My wife had to go to work to sign documents and then shopping so it has not happened yet. I plan to get off early and run home early and do it.

 

I want to know if they really have not spoken other than him asking if she was okay since the affair ended a month ago. I told her that I cant believe that he has not talked with you after such a long relationship. I asked not even to tell you his wife called me? She said no.

 

Today I called his wife who broke the news to me to tell her her about my wife telling me he had a prior affair (i asked her) When on the phone I asked her if she told him that she let me know of the affair and we talked. I can't believe that he has a relationship with my wife for that long and they even talk marriage (he was pushing according to her) and he is not going to give her a warning and find out how she is doing.

 

So I am wondering how I can catch that they talked.She told me that she would not see him when she ran in.

 

Do I have her say..."I have been thinking today after I left that we have to totally end this relationship. I screwed up. We never should have had an affair and I realize I love my husband and want to make it work.

 

(have her pause so he can say something)

 

The only way this will work is if you stay totally away from me. If you need something you need to go to my group. No more contact at all. I cant have you do this while I am trying to work it out with him. If you cant do that ten I will call the police for harassment.

 

Sound good?

[pteromom]

Do I have her say..."I have been thinking today after I left that we have to totally end this relationship. I screwed up. We never should have had an affair and I realize I love my husband and want to make it work.

 

(have her pause so he can say something)

 

The only way this will work is if you stay totally away from me. If you need something you need to go to my group. No more contact at all. I cant have you do this while I am trying to work it out with him. If you cant do that ten I will call the police for harassment.

 

Sound good?

 

You don't want her to do it while you are at lunch. You want to be there and see her do it. Don't give her the heads up that you want her to do it, because that gives her time to plan. Wait until you are home, and hand her the phone and have her do it right then.

 

You also don't want to give her a script. Tell her that she needs to hit these points: That she is done with him, and that he should never speak to her or contact her in any way again. Let the rest of it be from her... you know how you said you would watch her to get some insight? Well the only way to get it is to let her speak from her heart. The way she talks when she calls him may tell you a lot.

[eischman]

yes i plan to run home from work early.

 

She says she already ended it and it is done already. do I need to tell her that she needs to make sure it is clear to him...no contact at all and that if he does she will call the police for harassment.

 

If he says really? your going to call the police?

 

 

Do I wait to see what her response is

[eischman]

Thanks,

I really appreciate the feedback.

 

FYI I went to my therapist who told me why my wife had the affair. (All these demons inside her thinking I was cheating on her that kept building up until it exploded.) She says it is her fault and acknowledge all my efforts when I kept trying to find out why she was depressed and trying to make her happy. (she would say I am depressed but am working on it)

 

One thing she suggested next time is give a date to get better by. Interesting- I would have thought I did not have the right.

 

I told her I wanted a divorce and she said I needed to wait and cool off

[frigginlost]

yes i plan to run home from work early.

 

She says she already ended it and it is done already. do I need to tell her that she needs to make sure it is clear to him...no contact at all and that if he does she will call the police for harassment.

 

If he says really? your going to call the police?

 

 

Do I wait to see what her response is

 

Real quick,

 

I had a girlfriend that cheated on me after we were together for 2 years. When I found out, she became an open book. Completely and totally. There are absolutely no reasons for any type of games. The moment a single game is played, you bolt and do not look back.

 

When the "other" guy tried to get in contact with her 1 week after I found out, she answered the phone (on speaker) and told him with me right there "Please leave me alone, and do not ever contact me again."

 

Simple, straight forward, and to the point.

[whichwayisup]

do keep the lines of communication open with the betrayed wife, she and you could compare stories and also four eyes are better than two. She may pick up on signs that the A is still on going or if they are in contact.

 

Your wife doesn't seem too remorseful, nor is she fully taking responsibility for her part in this, seems she's happy to load it off on you and make it your fault.

 

You could also hire a PI for yourself and that way you'll know once and for all if the A is over.

[bigman1]

So that I'm clear: Your wife cheated on you because she THOUGHT that you were cheating on her? She kept at this long term thing until he became too clingy and controlling? She's glad you caught her and relieved that you were in fact faithful because she was so sick at the thought of you having sex with these other women?

 

In short, its your fault and she's relieved that it really was not your fault?

 

THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL.

[pteromom]

Thanks,

I really appreciate the feedback.

 

FYI I went to my therapist who told me why my wife had the affair. (All these demons inside her thinking I was cheating on her that kept building up until it exploded.) She says it is her fault and acknowledge all my efforts when I kept trying to find out why she was depressed and trying to make her happy. (she would say I am depressed but am working on it)

 

Unless your therapist is also your wife's therapist, she cannot know this. I would not put stock into any speculation from a 3rd party. Your therapist should know better than this.

 

I told her I wanted a divorce and she said I needed to wait and cool off

 

I agree with her. I would take some time to process this and decide what you want to do.

[sambolini]

I agree with her. I would take some time to process this and decide what you want to do.

 

I respectfully disagree with this. Of course she wants him to cool off...she doesn't want her Plan B to grow a spine and walk away.

 

The best thing any BS can do is divorce immediately. Establish a permanent boundary. If she really is remorseful, you can always get remarried down the road.

 

Nuke from orbit and observe her from 50,000 feet.

[eischman]

I just wrote a journal but my computer messed up so here we go again. My wife had no problem making the call but no answer. I had her call 3 times.

 

I believe he is in love with her. He even told her he still loves her and is planning to leave his wife. He called her at home around 1:20 to tell her that I was planning to meet his wife to have sex, that i told his wife that my wife was fat, i was talking to her all the time,and the other stuff. All of which is false other than I did say I would meet her to vent at a walking trail. My wife in her mind believed him and focused on the fat part and I got angry defending myself. I would never say that. My wife always says she is fat and I always say know she never eats and could get fat. That was either his wife wanting to take a dig at him or him trying to pit my wife against me because he want them to continue.

[eischman]

so then we had a long conversation about how did it start. It started when work was stressful. I remember the time. I remember the time and I tried to reassure her build her up. He did the same when he found her crying. He came in and hugged her and made he feel better. The next day again and again and they started the emotional affair. They talked kids and hobbies and talked about their issues at home. He usually dominated the conversation. She like the love he showed her and attention. Then one day he kissed her and the kissed her again and she joined in. Then he left. She was in a little shock so I asked her what she felt did she think about me or family? She did but love the attention and thought well Brent does'nt love me why not. She said she knew it was wrong. She also wonder what he would be like in bed. He returned the next day. For the next couple weeks they kissed a lot and talked a lot. Lunch after work. She said she did feel the guilt but was able to let it pass. Then one night he text her and asked her to take the day off and meet at a hotel and she agreed. I asked her what she was thinking sleeping next to me in BED with her son in the room next door. She said felt bad, guilty, and asked herself how could she do it. She said she was never but went through it. I asked her how she could lay down next to me in bed after that day. The next day was wierd and she couldnt look at him. She felt dirty and guilty so I said but able to do it again. The affair started. She felt bad and guilty and really worried about hurting the kids.

[eischman]

I asked to see a picture of him. He has a shaved head and goatee and muscular. Not her type I thought but she fell for his love for her and then looks i believe. He was cocky but very vocal about his love for her. She loved that. She did start seeing a personality she did not like. he was controlling and over protective.

 

She got her chane to find a new love and he did not work out.

 

She also started searching the internet about adultery and why. She read about the addiction and knew sh felt all of those things. She wants a reason to excuse this. I believe she does not want him and wants her family and like back. She cant believe she screwed it all up and has told me she understands if I want a divorce. She says she understands. She does ask that I try to make this a good xmas for the kids. I agree. She fears what our daughter on anti depressants will do (in college) and that both son and daughter will hate her for breaking up the family. I told her I will do everything I can to make sure they wont blame her. I am very upset and hate my wife for doing this and can probably forgive her.

 

I just dont think I want to stay married to her. The love she wouldnt give me for years took its tool. I accepted it because this depression "in sickness and health" she couldnt control. I had hope things would change now that we are getting to be empty nesters.

 

Now I want to move on. I fear I cant get over her affair. She had sex with him more in those 10 months then I have in 10 years. She took days off with him and spent time with him. I cant get the picture out of my mind that she had in hers. The difference is mine was real hers was perceived. I did believe she has these thought and we have talked about them in the past but I thought they were gone. She has admitted to letting them make her treat me poorly though out our marriage. How will she ever be able to stop this? She loved another man and willingly did so. I dont want to do the work. I asked my therapist if I was wrong to want to leave her. I do have feeling for her and know she feels bad. This is killing her but I do not want to reach out. Am I bad? The therapists says I need to give it a little time before I decide. In NC I believe I can get a divorce without a separation if there is adultery but I I see mixed interpretations.

 

thanks for letting me write this. I plan to make it through. XMAS. I am sleeping in our onus room on an air mattress. My wife has asked me if I want her to move out and has offered to sleep in the bonus room