Wife cheated on coworker- where to go now

[eischman]

Wow...fast forward a year. I now feel her cheating was a gift. It allowed me to get out of a marriage that i was not happy in. I no longer have to work to make her happy. That is on me (you cant make someone happy) . I am sure she wasn't happy and now we can both find happiness. This year I have felt so many emotions I have not felt for so one (good and bad). I have gotten in a few relationships and have learned so much about myself. I take and learn something from everyone. I thought I knew myself..not even close.

 

For me this has ended up being wonderful but every situation is different. I we were in love and there was a slip up then it would be different. I appreciate this forum. It helped me get through tough times

[Jersey born raised]

It is great hearing from you. How are your son and daughter? Part of the value of posting is you have means to review your actions and become more self aware. Can you share some of your experiences and thoughts?

[S2B]

Day 7. Wife extremely upset that I told 2 friend and cant believe I might tell my brother our shady family stuff. My wife wants to project her and our lives as perfect. She is so worried about what everyone else is thinking. When she does not care about this it will make her happier.

 

I would not leave it to her to run back to him but I cant worry about that. She confirmed that she thinks he loves her (and he said it again yesterday)

 

Maybe I should not be telling anyone. It really helps me get free. She wants to lose nothing and save face. It is not that easy

 

So she's still talking personal stuff with him, eh? Looks like she didn't end it with him at all.

 

Expose NOW to everyone she knows! She did this and SHE can. E accountable for HER bad behavior! Tell your kids the TRUTH too!

 

Stop protecting her! She isn't thinking at all how YOU feel - she's STILL ONLY worried about HERSELF!

 

And make her move out NOW! Since she has had almost no consequences she thinks she can still treat you like dirt! Stop allowing it!

 

Invoke harsh consequences and embarrass the crap out of her!!!! Now!

[S2B]

Oh golly, I see now this was a year ago - I'm so glad you're doing better!

[Bufo]

I'm late to this thread. But the very best thing I see is a BH who chose in rapid fashion and decisively NOT to be Plan B which is what WW was seeking. She came slithering back when the A went bad. You had sufficient self respect to decline her invitation to reconciliation (I'm being polite here).

 

You must be related to a guy named Space Ghost on another site.

[Marc878]

Nice job getting your life back

Edited December 8, 2016 by Marc878

[Clairemil]

Hi I am new on here, and have an awful situation in my life at the moment.

I am looking for advice as not sure what to do. I have found a text message on my husbands phone from another man showing naked photos of his wife. It looks like my husband has contacted this person himself and my husband has responded thanking him and said he will send some pictures over the weekend. I am horrified what do I do about this. Has anyone heard of this type of thing before and should I be feeling as upset and angry as I am....

[Tayla]

Hi I am new on here, and have an awful situation in my life at the moment.

I am looking for advice as not sure what to do. I have found a text message on my husbands phone from another man showing naked photos of his wife. It looks like my husband has contacted this person himself and my husband has responded thanking him and said he will send some pictures over the weekend. I am horrified what do I do about this. Has anyone heard of this type of thing before and should I be feeling as upset and angry as I am....

 

Welcome to LS! may I suggest starting a new thread. reading up on the rules and becoming familiar with the search feature. good luck and look forward to your contribution here .

[Bufo]

Here is what I see.

 

1. Long term affair = development of emotional ties. Thoughts of love. Thoughts of permanent relationship. Those don't disappear instantly on discovery of affair. Keep snooping and checking with his BW to see if there is communication. You don't even know how long this A has lasted.

 

2. Long Term lack of sex/affection. That's not going to get cured miraculously.

 

3. Her worry about how she'll look if others know. She is very self-centered. Does she even care how you feel? I didn't see anything in your postings indicating that she has any empathy for you or a drop of true remorse. As is often posted here--it takes two to reconcile. Has she even shed a tear for what she did to you and the family?

 

4. Holidays, how children will react etc. These are excuses for inaction. There will always be a reason (actually a rationalization) why today/this week/this month isn't "right" to bring this conflict to a head and decide what to do.

 

5. Shakespeare's character Hamlet is the immortal ditherer. Couldn't make up his mind what to do. (See "to be or not to be"). Don't be Hamlet. In plain language, the longer you engage in internal debate and take no action, the longer you'll stay in Limbo.

 

6. And, at last, do not forget your goal: getting out of infidelity. Let her know in no uncertain terms your minimum requirements (read some other JFO threads and learn what all too many others have learned are minimum requirements and take what you want from them). It doesn't seem like you would be satisfied with a return to pre-A status. You had a one way marriage where everything went her way. And that led to her choosing to have an LTA.

[Just a Guy]

Hi eischman, is your divorce final and are you free of your wife(ex wife?) now? If so how did things go in the final stages? Was there even a hint of remorse on her part? What about your assets and custody arrangements? Did that go fair and square or were you given a rough deal? From the way you have written it seems that you got off quite well. You have mentioned that you learned a lot about yourself. Things that you were not aware of. Can you give an example of what exactly you are talking about? In the end, congratulations on coming through a maelstorm successfully and with your head held high. Cheers.

[eischman]

It is great hearing from you. How are your son and daughter? Part of the value of posting is you have means to review your actions and become more self aware. Can you share some of your experiences and thoughts?

 

My kids seam okay but they keep things inside like their mother. My daughter sees a therapist on a regular basis and my son went one time and refuses to go. My son seams okay most of the time but makes a lot more smart ass comments. He told grandmother "how is my mother going to find someone at 48. i probably need to address this. I think he feels i should have tried to work things out. I probably need to address this before he goes back to college.

 

Other than that it is really hard to tell. They see me doing a lot of things (never exposed them to another woman) and it makes son uneasy

[eischman]

Hi eischman, is your divorce final and are you free of your wife(ex wife?) now? If so how did things go in the final stages? Was there even a hint of remorse on her part? What about your assets and custody arrangements? Did that go fair and square or were you given a rough deal? From the way you have written it seems that you got off quite well. You have mentioned that you learned a lot about yourself. Things that you were not aware of. Can you give an example of what exactly you are talking about? In the end, congratulations on coming through a maelstorm successfully and with your head held high. Cheers.

 

we are a 50 -50 state so asset separation was easy. We did a separation agreement that split all the assets. I got a lawyer last December to write it all out (CC her on all correspondence) which split all assets, set no child support or alimony. She wanted to get a lawyer as well and I told her okay just to look over the agreement, pretty simple, but he he wants to start a fight then I will sue the guy she had the affair with. I believe she fell in love with him (or something she thought). She told me I am a nice person an wouldnt sue...I told her he has not paid for a thing. She can sign the 50/50 agreement or I will sue him.... She signed.

 

I learned I like romance, cooking for people, eat healthy, dance and sing like no one is watching. I learned that I spent a lot of time, energy and money trying to make her happy and not depressed (I learned you cant make someone happy). I am learning more about loving myself. I am finding women who love me for who I am. Dont get me wrong...it is hard at time but worth it!

 

I would not know if there was remorse. I have seen he 2 times since January and we have emailed 4-6 times and it is only when she needs something or we need to split a bill for the kids. I was invited to go to her house to open gifts with the kids xmas morning. I plan to and bought her a $50 gift card. It will be civil and good for the kids as long as they dont get a glimmer of hope. I see the affair as a gift to me. If it had not happened I would still be married and trying to make her happy. I saw her depression as a sickness and would not leave a sick wife.....hindsight I would have gone to therapy and decided if it were repairable. If it was not then separation.

 

I hope she finds happiness. Maybe this is what she needed

[Marc878]

You'd be better off keeping everything including holidays separate. Why buy a gift for her? You come across as Mr Nice Guy. They always get walked on.

[eischman]

Xmas was fine. She got me a bottle of Bourbon and glasses, I gave her the $50 gift card. I have no interest in taking her back and have no idea if she wants me back. Next week I plan to get the stuff ready to file for the divorce.

 

One good thing is my Daughter and I have a tough conversation. She has refused to talk and I had it. I told her I was not going to her mothers home on xmas morning and she got mad and told me how she felt. Yeah!

 

I found out she has been very pissed we could spend 27 years together and just end it like that and I moved on so quickly. She said it hurt that I said I was not happy for 10 years.

 

I told her I was happy...just not with her mother and my relationship. We weren't physical, her mother was always depressed. I was happy with then (kids, hobbies, work.) I tried to make her happy. She wouldnt communicate and even if she did it might just be we werent meant for each other. I told her that her mom may find what she needs to be happy...she may still be with the guy which is good if it makes her happy (the affair was going on for a long time). I told her I hopped she was not mad at her mom or me. I told her that I did start dating right away and not sure why...I wasnt ready but everyone deals with stress and stuff differently. Her mother and I may remarry but we both will always be there for them. She says she still feels hurt and I told her they are her feelings and nobody can say if they are right/wrong but her. She said she does feel better and acknowledged that she did not know all of that and feels better.

 

Next goal is to talk to son