Wife cheated on coworker- where to go now

[eischman]

Unless your therapist is also your wife's therapist, she cannot know this. I would not put stock into any speculation from a 3rd party. Your therapist should know better than this.

 

I agree with her. I would take some time to process this and decide what you want to do.

 

We are now seeing the same therapist. We went together,I went alone, and my wife is going tomorrow. My wife thinks she is taking my side. I said she wasnt but who had the affair who kept the thoughts bottled up?

[eischman]

So that I'm clear: Your wife cheated on you because she THOUGHT that you were cheating on her? She kept at this long term thing until he became too clingy and controlling? She's glad you caught her and relieved that you were in fact faithful because she was so sick at the thought of you having sex with these other women?

 

In short, its your fault and she's relieved that it really was not your fault?

 

THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL.

 

She has a problem. She thought I could be cheating on her and had many relations. She would tell herself no but couldnt get the picture of me having sex with women she never met. She thought the races I did were big orgies and had nightmares when I was away. She has talked to a therapist and did take some antidepressants for a year.

 

Even so I think she fell for a guy in love with her.

[PegNosePete]

I just dont think I want to stay married to her.

Then, you need to tell your therapist to stop telling you BS things like this:

I told her I wanted a divorce and she said I needed to wait and cool off

You don't "need" to do anything! Yes it is advisable to have a clear head in these matters. But if you have decided on divorce then you should go and get one no matter what your therapist says.

 

She does ask that I try to make this a good xmas for the kids.

The trouble with that line of thinking is that, now it's Christmas, after it will be New Year, then Valentine's day, then little Sammy's birthday, then Easter, then Summer holiday, then anniversary, then her birthday and then back around to Christmas. There is never a good time.

 

In NC I believe I can get a divorce without a separation if there is adultery but I I see mixed interpretations.

This is why you need to see a lawyer, who can clarify it for you.

 

I am sleeping in our onus room on an air mattress. My wife has asked me if I want her to move out and has offered to sleep in the bonus room

Why on earth are you ejected from the bed? She's the one who cheated right? Let her sleep on the sofa or whatever. If you are decided on divorce then absolutely tell her to move out (assuming she has somewhere else to go or the means to rent elsewhere).

[eischman]

I am sleeping in the bonus room for many reasons and want to get through xmas for a number of reasons. By far the number 1 is the kids. I do not want them to hate their mother. When we tell them we are having marriage problems they will mostly blame me because I go biking and running and are around other people. Or that I wont put up with their mothers depression/unhappiness (she fake happiness a lot around them)

 

My daughter has self image problems and is on a strong antidepressant and is seeing a therapist (she does not know that I am aware) My son is a senior in high school and has the love and affection his Mother and Sister dont show. I force my daughter to hug me when I see her.

 

They will be affected but I want to minimize it and do it right. My son does not know where I am sleeping but he and my daughter will probably tonight. I hope my wife can work with her therapist on how to do it

[eischman]

Day 7. Wife extremely upset that I told 2 friend and cant believe I might tell my brother our shady family stuff. My wife wants to project her and our lives as perfect. She is so worried about what everyone else is thinking. When she does not care about this it will make her happier.

 

I would not leave it to her to run back to him but I cant worry about that. She confirmed that she thinks he loves her (and he said it again yesterday)

 

Maybe I should not be telling anyone. It really helps me get free. She wants to lose nothing and save face. It is not that easy

[PegNosePete]

Tell whoever you like. If she gets upset then tell her she should have thought about the "impact" it would have on her friendships/family before she spread her legs. I thought she said she would do anything to save the marriage? If so then she should be more concerned with that than saving face or whatever.

 

Why was he talking to her yesterday? Are they still communicating with each other??? If so I would file for divorce immediately.

[eischman]

He called her to tell her I was talking talking to his wife. (I posted the details) I have decided to end contact with her because she is making stuff up I believe to hurt him and make him want her. (she needs to run like hell IMO) I do not want to get caught up in them but it make my wife mad and maybe him.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry, I'm not following your pronoun usage. Him, her, etc it's not clear who you're talking about: your wife, his wife, etc. But really at this stage it doesn't matter. Just tell your wife the 3 rules I mentioned in my first reply.

 

If she doesn't like them, divorce her.

If she doesn't agree to follow them, divorce her,

If she agrees to them but breaks them at any point, divorce her.

[LifeNomad]

Eischman read my previous post on this thread, you have to make him hate her otherwise that doubt will always be there. Even if she tells him whatever over the phone and lets you hear, she can easily go back the next day or whenever she gets a chance and tell him you were listening in. She needs to prove her loyalty to you. On top of that, she needs to quit her job now. You need to figure out what she can do so that this other man can hate her and feel as if shes the worst mistake and he never laid eyes on her. She can and is capable of leaving you for him if the timing and circumstances are right between them.

 

 

You my friend, need to have a mentality that its all or nothing, no in-betweens. You have to be READY and WILLING to lose her, its a very hard and tricky situation.

 

 

The kids don't have to know what happened, at least not yet. If you all were to split you can tell your kids "Mommy and Daddy weren't happy together anymore" or something simple like that.

 

 

This is of course if you are trying to work things out with her. If you play too nice you will always have a doubt in back of your mind and if she stays working there with him its just going to happen again.

[irishguy]

Make sure you tell the kids the truth , dont be lying to them to protect your wife ,they deserve the truth .Make her sleep where she wants, you take back your bed .I think you are right to divorce her ,her excuses for cheating are bull**** ,and the lack of sex has to be a dealbreaker ,like you said he got more sex than you got in years,there is no getting over that .Its ok to wait till after xmas to divorce but start seeing lawyers now .She really only wants to save her image she doesnt care about you .

[eischman]

Make sure you tell the kids the truth , dont be lying to them to protect your wife ,they deserve the truth .Make her sleep where she wants, you take back your bed .I think you are right to divorce her ,her excuses for cheating are bull**** ,and the lack of sex has to be a dealbreaker ,like you said he got more sex than you got in years,there is no getting over that .Its ok to wait till after xmas to divorce but start seeing lawyers now .She really only wants to save her image she doesnt care about you .

 

My wife had a very good session with our therapist. She understand she needs to own it and tell the kids the truth which I feel is her worst fear. She is afraid to be seen as weak and afraid that people may think bad things about her. She recognizes that and knows she has hit rock bottom. We plan to tell the kids tonight. I will not defend her actions but need to make sure that the kids know we are not perfect and we did not have a perfect marriage and have really been struggling.

 

My wife says she knows I will probably never be able to get over this and therefore is starting to accept we may not be a we. She knows she needs to focus on getting her right and the new person that come out of it I may not even want. She needs to stop taking peoples baggage and not spending the time working on hers.

 

This conversation made me very happy. I dont think I can get over this and believe she has been who I want her to be and not who she is. She told me she has a co-dependency and other things she has to work on. I heard the definition and listened to the examples and I do too but not as bad.

 

This probably cause us our marriage but may help us wherever we end up.

 

I will not take the blame for what happened but I should have suggested a marriage councilor 15 years ago. I believe she would have gone. I am not sure it would have worked because it took rock bottom to get her to see it was a real problem.

 

Right now I dont care about the other guy. For once I feel she is making progress for herself. You are right that I probably will not get over it and it best to not try for me or her.

[lolablue17]

I see that you handle the situation great. You are patient, you think clearly, you have your balls, and you feel strong enough to be able to listen and to think about others (your kids and your WW).

 

Don't be sure that you could have prevented this by going to counseling earlier. I don't really believe your wife is honest with you about it, and i think she isn't honest with herself.

 

She did want the affair ALL the time. She didn't want it to stop. The one solo and only reason it stopped was the exposure by his wife. Have no mistake on that.

 

People sometimes cheat because they can. We all have weaknesses. Many of us are attracted to others, fantasize about it, and feel the temptation. I don't need problems in my marriage to feel attraction to other women. It's great to fall in love again, to feel fresh romance with a fresh body.

It's very hard sometimes to stay faithful in out world that offers so many temptations. What have happened is that

 

your wife was falling to that temptation. It was there in front of her, she was curious, and she thought she could have it all, and get away with it. That's it!

 

She repressed her thought about you and your feelings, she repressed the danger to lose her marriage. It isn't fair by her to present it as if you are responsible for ending the marriage. She ended it by her many many decisions. Every time she was talking to him, met him, slept with him, every time was a new decision.

 

There are people who can be strong and be faithfull regardless the temptations, and there are people who can't. It has no connection to any of what you've done or didn't do.

[mystikmind2005]

I find it remarkable that so many women are so damn determined not to have sex with their husbands? Slowly the tension builds up until someone cheats and or the relationship is destroyed.... Its bizarre, no sex with the husband is the absolute priority, no matter what disasters may come from it.

 

Too me. it looks as dumb as a person standing there with a hose in their hand in front of their burning house and refuse to spray water on it "no, cannot do it, absolutely not, no way". But why? "better if everything is destroyed rather than doing that".

[eischman]

I see that you handle the situation great. You are patient, you think clearly, you have your balls, and you feel strong enough to be able to listen and to think about others (your kids and your WW).

 

Don't be sure that you could have prevented this by going to counseling earlier. I don't really believe your wife is honest with you about it, and i think she isn't honest with herself.

 

She did want the affair ALL the time. She didn't want it to stop. The one solo and only reason it stopped was the exposure by his wife. Have no mistake on that.

 

People sometimes cheat because they can. We all have weaknesses. Many of us are attracted to others, fantasize about it, and feel the temptation. I don't need problems in my marriage to feel attraction to other women. It's great to fall in love again, to feel fresh romance with a fresh body.

It's very hard sometimes to stay faithful in out world that offers so many temptations. What have happened is that

 

your wife was falling to that temptation. It was there in front of her, she was curious, and she thought she could have it all, and get away with it. That's it!

 

She repressed her thought about you and your feelings, she repressed the danger to lose her marriage. It isn't fair by her to present it as if you are responsible for ending the marriage. She ended it by her many many decisions. Every time she was talking to him, met him, slept with him, every time was a new decision.

 

There are people who can be strong and be faithfull regardless the temptations, and there are people who can't. It has no connection to any of what you've done or didn't do.

 

Wow you hit my thoughts on the nail! She told me she thought the therapy she is getting now would have saved our marriage and I told her maybe but maybe not. These problems were a catalyst but ultimately there was a bigger reason you were able to cross the line that has not been answered.

 

Now where to go. She says she understand I probably will never be able to get over it because of me and she understands that but appreciates me trying. I agree but am glad she is getting help.

[eischman]

your wife was falling to that temptation. It was there in front of her, she was curious, and she thought she could have it all, and get away with it. That's it!

 

There are people woh can be strong and be faithfull regardless the temptations, and there are people who can't. It has no connection to any of what you've done or didn't do.

 

I told her this a few moments ago and she answered, " So I am someone who cant? for thirty years I have been faithfull to you. I know I made a huge mistake and own it. Yes I lost my morals

[lolablue17]

I told her this a few moments ago and she answered, " So I am someone who cant? for thirty years I have been faithfull to you. I know I made a huge mistake and own it. Yes I lost my morals

 

WOW!

It's very sad. It's like a goal keeper in a soccer game. You can perform 20 great fabulous saves, but if you $crewed up just once at the last minute, and they scored a goal against you, you lose.

 

Temptations exist all along the way. Yes, sometimes once is too much. (and she must admit - it wasn't only once... it was many times during 10 month and it stopped only because they got caught)

[aliveagain]

I asked to see a picture of him. He has a shaved head and goatee and muscular. Not her type I thought but she fell for his love for her and then looks i believe. He was cocky but very vocal about his love for her. She loved that. She did start seeing a personality she did not like. he was controlling and over protective.

 

She got her chane to find a new love and he did not work out.

 

She also started searching the internet about adultery and why. She read about the addiction and knew sh felt all of those things. She wants a reason to excuse this. I believe she does not want him and wants her family and like back. She cant believe she screwed it all up and has told me she understands if I want a divorce. She says she understands. She does ask that I try to make this a good xmas for the kids. I agree. She fears what our daughter on anti depressants will do (in college) and that both son and daughter will hate her for breaking up the family. I told her I will do everything I can to make sure they wont blame her. I am very upset and hate my wife for doing this and can probably forgive her.

 

I just dont think I want to stay married to her. The love she wouldnt give me for years took its tool. I accepted it because this depression "in sickness and health" she couldnt control. I had hope things would change now that we are getting to be empty nesters.

 

Now I want to move on. I fear I cant get over her affair. She had sex with him more in those 10 months then I have in 10 years. She took days off with him and spent time with him. I cant get the picture out of my mind that she had in hers. The difference is mine was real hers was perceived. I did believe she has these thought and we have talked about them in the past but I thought they were gone. She has admitted to letting them make her treat me poorly though out our marriage. How will she ever be able to stop this? She loved another man and willingly did so. I dont want to do the work. I asked my therapist if I was wrong to want to leave her. I do have feeling for her and know she feels bad. This is killing her but I do not want to reach out. Am I bad? The therapists says I need to give it a little time before I decide. In NC I believe I can get a divorce without a separation if there is adultery but I I see mixed interpretations.

 

thanks for letting me write this. I plan to make it through. XMAS. I am sleeping in our onus room on an air mattress. My wife has asked me if I want her to move out and has offered to sleep in the bonus room

 

 

 

If you can get past this then perhaps you can make it work. I personally would have a hard time knowing she was another mans dirt. Have you both been tested for STD's? Make her get tested for all STD's as they don't usually test for herpes unless you request it. They were physical just weeks ago and some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the last event. I can almost guarantee that they did not use protection. She put you at risk satisfying her selfish needs. She's had more sex in the last year than you have had in the last 10 years, how does she expect to repair that massive imbalance? That imbalance will last the rest of your life with her.

 

Talk to a lawyer if you haven't done so yet. You need to understand your rights and the rights of your children. I don't think your wife thought much about you or your children when she was hooking up with him in hotels. Why reward her infidelity by letting her have your bed while you sleep on an air mattress? Take your bedroom back, move her out.

Edited November 25, 2015 by aliveagain

[PegNosePete]

It's very sad. It's like a goal keeper in a soccer game. You can perform 20 great fabulous saves, but if you $crewed up just once at the last minute, and they scored a goal against you, you lose.

Huh, what? No, it's nothing like that.

 

It's like the goal keeper performing 20 fabulous saves, then swapping his shirt for the other team's, running up to his own goal and kicking the ball into the back of the net, and then running around the pitch cheering and celebrating with the opposite team! And then doing it again, and again, and again!

 

It's not a mistake or an error or a lack of judgement. It's a deliberate act that she knows is destructive to her marriage and her kids and everything she has held dear for the last 20 years.

[eischman]

Thanks for all the responses. It helps me to listen and write. I guess I should not be using it as a journal but it helps.

 

I would have been headed to the lawyer already because I see the only way this works for the future is being divorced but I keep hearing to give it time and the therapist confirms. In addition I would like to salvage the xmas for the kids 17 & 19.

 

When my wife when to therapy last time he told her we needed to address the kids and she needed to tell them of the affair because I had told a few people and it could get back to them. In addition this was to be her first step to helping herself. The feeling that they will hate and not forgive her. I agreed.

 

Yesterday she texted constantly saying the kids will never forgive her, the kids will hate her. We also communicated by me trying to find out why without the basic excuses (in my head..that she was so unhappy, had thoughts of me being unfaithful, stressed that she ignored what the impact, and sub come to desire. Not admitting enough for me to believe. I asked her if she had the hots for him and was attracted to him prior to the affair and she says no. I cant believe that.

 

Yesterday she told the kids and it was rough. They were in shock. The therapist told her I needed to tell them I was not happy with us over the years as well and I did. I believe we did the right thing. Afterwords my son wanted to play basketball alone and my daughter wouldnt give her a hug and went to take a nap. My wife seamed mad at me (in my head for forcing her to do it and felt i was trying to get back at her.) "they hate me and I hope this makes you feel better"

 

I told her, A small part of me wanted them to know because if we divorce they will feel I must have done something since she never goes anywhere and just works all the time. My son even said, So you werent working late all the time, and she said not all the time. She said I love you two more than anything and would never want to hurt you. Your the most important thing I ever had. I have felt that is the way she feels...She feels something for me but not that.

 

The kids did come around that evening and hugged her and talked to her and she knows they will love her. That made me feel free. I want her to get help and she needs to trust the strength of people, especially the ones who love you. I have the desire to take care of her and for some reason need to feel she will be alright if we divorce. I think she knows this because she says why live, nobody will love me, the kids will hate me, I will live as a hermit. I told her she needs to get herself better and start taking care herself because she can find happiness and if she loves the kids they will need to see it and you dont want to worry them. I told her she can find happiness better than she ever has if she works on herself however it may not be with me.

[eischman]

I was wrong, they had broken up when we go together she was just still communication. He supposedly came out of the blue and asked for marriage.

 

I feel divorce is the only option for my happiness but feel I am suppose to try to make it work and part of me wants to make sure she is okay. Once in a while I have been able to block out the affair and almost feel normal and like that feeling of not being mad and say to myself it wasnt a bad life. The fact is that while I was not happy with us I found ways to say happy by biking, running, hiking, swimming and with the many close friends I have.

 

I feel divorce is the best for me and her. She has to be somewhere else to heal. I told her she will be fine, she had me, a good looking coworker, and had many other coworkers hit on her. I told her I did not care if she got back with the guy she had ht affair with, Decide what want and realize I feel I cant get over this. If you are afraid of losing someone to take care of you or love this other guy then go to him.I told her that different and happier life if she sticks to working on herself. She cant be afraid of making mistakes and needs to trust others and find how wonderful people are and dont worry about what the may or may not think. She said what about you...you will never be able to trust again. I told her not to worry about me.

 

Trust, I give trust freely and will continue that. I do not want to waste the time and effort not trusting. I would rater spend it on passion and love. I have never liked dwelling on the past and I dont plan to start now. I am an optimist and believe you have to learn from experiences and make the life you want. I am confident I will be able to move on. Change is hard for me and I do have some confidence issues that were further damaged that will need work. I am scared to death about dating and know that intimacy will be hard.

 

Next week I will go to therapy and plan to talk to a lawyer. I also plan to go away to the mountains and visit friends for 4-5 days. I am starting to feel more at ease. I do not want to continue to find out all the truths. I feel there are still lies like them coming to our house when I was out of town and they never had sex here. I was going to make her take a lie detector test to answer questions like that one but I dont care...I dont want to make the effort. I need to move on

[PegNosePete]

It sounds like your head is screwed on right. You're acting logically and thoughtfully.

 

But it seems your therapist thinks he knows better than you? If he doesn't accept your decision to divorce then I don't think he can help you any more.

 

Seeing a lawyer is definitely a good thing to do. Preferably more than one. Many do a free initial consultation so you can see a few and choose the one you like best.

 

Personally I don't see how you can have a "normal" Christmas now. The kids are old enough to know that you'd both just be playing happy families for their sake. It would deteriorate into either an argument or silence around the table. No fun for anyone. If I were you I'd begin divorce proceedings right now.

[eischman]

It was a heck of a weekend. We drove to the inlaws. My W wants to have a nice holiday but I do as well for the kids. When driving I got to thinking about the lies I know she is still giving me. I brought her upstairs and asked her again if they had sex at our house. She denied it over and over. I told her we will be going to do a lie detector test and she said okay. I said it will get ugly if you are lying and she fessed up so I said we are getting divorced ASAP. She said she understood.

She told her parents and it was uncomfortable. Her bother had an affair and she found out her mother did as well which is why they each have their own bedroom. They say they just like each other. Wow..not for me but it is what my wife would like.

I told her maybe we could file for the divorce and maybe both live in the house until the son is out of high school in 6 months. She liked that idea. This morning I spoke to a lawyer and found out separation for a year is required. I told my wife this morning and she blew a gasket. "do i have to move out?" I said probably.

 

I know how it works now. Do you really need a good Lawyer to do a separation? It seams pretty simple. The guy I talked to said he could have it done in 2-3 weeks. Do I just go with him?

[bigman1]

go with the best lawyer that you can afford. Go with the lawyer that you have confidence in. If its the last guy, then go with him. In the end, if things get contested, you don't want to go broke paying your lawyer.

 

In the end, the best- makes you feel comfortable-knows what they are talking about-handles this area of law regularly- lawyer that you can afford is who you hire.

 

Get one now, pay. Rule number one, pay people who play to do what you would have to work at. Don't go it alone.

[PegNosePete]

My W wants to have a nice holiday but I do as well for the kids.

To be honest I'm really not understanding how this will work.

Your kids are not young. They are old enough to know what's going on.

They are old enough to know that sitting around that dinner table will be incredibly awkward.

They are old enough to know that things will never be the same.

They are old enough to know that any happiness and smiles and happy holiday wishes will be totally fake.

 

I can understand going things "for the kids" if they don't know you're having marital issues or if they're too young to understand... but in this case... it's just going to be incredibly awkward for all concerned.

 

I told her maybe we could file for the divorce and maybe both live in the house until the son is out of high school in 6 months.

It is incredibly difficult to live with a partner who you're divorcing for even one month, let alone 6. Especially if new partners come onto the scene.

 

This morning I spoke to a lawyer and found out separation for a year is required. I told my wife this morning and she blew a gasket. "do i have to move out?" I said probably.

Well from a legal point of view, no she doesn't. If she sees a lawyer this is the first thing they will tell her. But if you can keep her thinking she has to move out, it will benefit you. So do and say what you can to convince her to move out ASAP.

 

Do you really need a good Lawyer to do a separation? It seams pretty simple. The guy I talked to said he could have it done in 2-3 weeks. Do I just go with him?

If the other party is co-operative then yes it is relatively simple. Although depending on your jurisdiction you may or may not need a "formal" separation. In the UK for example it's pretty pointless, you might as well go straight for divorce. If you do need formal separation, then doing it through the lawyer is probably a good idea. These things are possible to DIY if you have a co-operative spouse but if it goes wrong, it will likely cost you more than it would have to use the lawyer from day 1.

[eischman]

In my state separation for a year is required. It can be like a divorce meaning all assets are split and bot parties can for other relationships however they cant remarry. You dont even have to go to the courthouse when the year is up. The lawyer takes care of it.

 

My wife says that divorce is inevitable but I dont believe she truly believes that. Deep down I feel she thinks there is a chance and is willing to do anything to convince me to delay so that I will just get over it and we will not have to go through the emotional and financial burden. She know she will miss us spending time together as a family like we did this weekend putting up the tree. (I too will greatly miss that and will be emotionally and financially impacted.) Problem is, I dont feel she loves me and would try find a way to make it work even if she were not happy doing so. I would never know if she really loved me...there are other things but that is not a good reason to stay married.

 

Moving along quickly but have an extremely hard couple months ahead and then just hard thereafter.

 

I still am in shock that it happened in the first place and even more on how long it happened. I am having problems on who to tell and not tell. When we get separated most people will think I must have done something without knowing. I go out all of the time riding, running, races and all she does is work. I have tried her to find something but no interest in anything. She never wanted to go out period so how could someone have an affair when they work or stay at home.....well I found the answer to that