NC for serial cheaters

[fellini]

what seems simple about any of this!?!

 

Zero. Just my point. I was merely saying that WH30 defined what your child was doing as crappie. And I think that since you probably raised you children well, that it isn't as simple as "being crappie".

 

I think there is a no win situation here, and no one here is even remotely in the loop except you OP, and I trust that the issue with the wedding is something that has no simple solution if they want their day to be what they want it to be.

 

I do not want my daughter to know anything about the sh-t that came out of her two aunts and grandmother over my WW's A. I do not ask her to choose a side. If she knew half of what was said, she would have no choice but to change her opinion of them or constantly feel she has to choose a side.

 

She clearly knows something has gone on, and quietly accepts that we no longer sit together as a family. She has not asked me why.

 

But if she did find out, I would not think of her as a crappie child if when she marries she gave prominence to her aunts at the wedding.

[velvette]

What a mess!

 

 

I think first you need to nail down what you would like to happen and what that would require from you since your actions or lack thereof are the only ones you can really control. At the same time, you have to realize that whatever actions you take or don't may not yield the results you want.

 

 

There's a reason for the old saying "The truth will set you free." Still, I understand why you may not want to go that route with an entire extended family. I wouldn't rule it out however. Could be that just making sure everyone knows about both affairs would resolve a lot of this.

 

 

Not sure why you are stressing over whether son will ultimately invite his aunt to his wedding if she's not on the save the date list. Why don't you either just ask him, or let him know you appreciate him not inviting her and acknowledging it may create an awkard sitch for him. I would also let your other children know you appreciate this gesture from him to set the stage for all other future events.

 

 

If she starts vilifying you because of not being invited, that is the perfect opportunity to start sharing the truth with whomever brings it to your attention. Or, alternatively you can confront her and tell her if she doesn't stop, you will be telling everyone the truth about why she wasn't invited.

 

 

As for the other SIL, I can only assume that you are correct and she doesn't like you. Most likely because of her A with your H. I wouldn't expect to have any genuine convo with her. Doesn't mean you cant confront her if you believe it will be useful. Same strategy if she is vilifying you let her know you are going to inform others why unless it stops.

 

 

As for her H, if he has anger issues, again I would not expect a genuine convo to be likely there either. Worth a try, because you may at least uncover the root of his issues with you, just don't expect much.

 

 

Not exactly the same, but my husband is from a very large family that always has drama going on, someone mad, not speaking, feuding, secrets, etc. My H and I are Switzerland lol. We don't engage in the drama or take sides. We go to events, enjoy and spend time with everyone sticking to the ones who are more rational and less drama prone.

 

 

All that being said, if you choose to still be in contact with or find yourself in unexpected contact with these 2 SIL, if you don't want to do any of the above, you can just do as someone else suggested ......walk in like you own the room and freeze the offenders out. Ignore them and talk/interact with others who don't offend your sensibilities.

 

 

I think the key here is identifying what you can live with without impacting your self respect/mental health and then pursue that path requesting support from your kids/H and/or other family members.

 

 

Good luck.

[merrmeade]

Comments in bold - mm

What a mess!

 

I think first you need to nail down what you would like to happen and what that would require from you since your actions or lack thereof are the only ones you can really control. At the same time, you have to realize that whatever actions you take or don't may not yield the results you want. [Generally the way it already is...[

 

There's a reason for the old saying "The truth will set you free." Still, I understand why you may not want to go that route with an entire extended family. I wouldn't rule it out however. Could be that just making sure everyone knows about both affairs would resolve a lot of this. [Not an option for my kids to know about H and their other aunt. (1) Knowing their father did the unthinkable once is enough - even if it means they don't know what it did to me. It's disturbing, disappointing, confusing information about adults behaving badly. They have plenty of other examples of these particular adults' bad behavior; I don't need to offer another. (2) Besides, they know generally that the uncle has treated me badly; they don't need another reason to understand my discomfort with him and his wife. (3) They give me all the love, respect and consideration I could ask for; I don't need to use that to get more. (4) I'm even more convinced of this today (Thanksgiving) than ever after talking to a friend of my daughter's who's forever damaged by her parents' issues. That's one bit of garbage I'm keeping out of my kids' lives if possible.]

 

Not sure why you are stressing over whether son will ultimately invite his aunt to his wedding if she's not on the save the date list. [sIL#1 - my brother's wife - is a trigger for me or at least the anticipation of being around her is. I laid out my angst about seeing her in a LS thread last Jan. or Feb., preceding my brother's service in March. In the end, I found the actual event less disturbing than its anticipation had been. Either that or - like all the encounters I've had with her - when it's happening (if she's there in the same room with me or - egads - talking to me) I don't seem to be quite in my body, can't think, don't feel in control—in spite of the fact that she usurped my position, shamed, ridiculed and blamed me unjustly for causing events and never acknowledged how I felt. I never stood up to her but, instead, froze in her presence. It was like a victim's terror at facing a previous abuser who'd used mindgames to dominate and control the victim. )] Why don't you either just ask him, or let him know you appreciate him not inviting her and acknowledging it may create an awkard sitch for him. I would also let your other children know you appreciate this gesture from him to set the stage for all other future events.I like this a lot. All of it.

 

If she starts vilifying you because of not being invited, [unlikely this would happen in my presence; it would be to extended family] that is the perfect opportunity to start sharing the truth with whomever brings it to your attention. Or, alternatively you can confront her [would if I could] and tell her if she doesn't stop, you will be telling everyone the truth about why she wasn't invited.

 

As for the other SIL, I can only assume that you are correct and she doesn't like you. Most likely because of her A with your H. I wouldn't expect to have any genuine convo with her. Doesn't mean you cant confront her if you believe it will be useful. Same strategy if she is vilifying you let her know you are going to inform others why unless it stops. [Not bad considering she probably wouldn't relate to anything BUT intimidation.]

 

As for her H, if he has anger issues, again I would not expect a genuine convo to be likely there either. Worth a try, because you may at least uncover the root of his issues with you, just don't expect much.[Pretty much status quo already...]

 

Not exactly the same, but my husband is from a very large family that always has drama going on, someone mad, not speaking, feuding, secrets, etc. My H and I are Switzerland lol. We don't engage in the drama or take sides. We go to events, enjoy and spend time with everyone sticking to the ones who are more rational and less drama prone.

 

All that being said, if you choose to still be in contact with or find yourself in unexpected contact with these 2 SIL, if you don't want to do any of the above, you can just do as someone else suggested ......walk in like you own the room and freeze the offenders out. Ignore them and talk/interact with others who don't offend your sensibilities. [A good strategy to hold in reserve.]

 

I think the key here is identifying what you can live with without impacting your self respect/mental health and then pursue that path requesting support from your kids/H and/or other family members.

 

Good luck.

Very useful elements for my new script. Thank you. Edited November 27, 2015 by merrmeade

[66Charger]

Your story was one of the first that I read on LS and it was horrible then and just as horrible now, so I have rarely commented on it, because you probably could guess my opinions and I respect your request.

 

I will only say that you dont really know what your children know. If he could put 2 and 2 together, I am sure they suspect at a minimum. If they are aware of the animosity and aware of their fathers prevalence to have affairs with family members, I am sure that watching the awkward dance you have around the SIL speaks volumes.

 

No advice or opinions. Hope one day you find peace with all this.

[Lois_Griffin]

I wonder how other people handle the on-going potential for encounter with family APs. Or maybe no one has stayed in a situation this f-ked up or has family this disturbing.

Strictly addressing this particular question in your thread, for me, there isn't a man on this planet worth swallowing my pride and self-respect just to stay married to him. I couldn't respect someone like this and I couldn't respect myself for staying with someone like this.

 

So honestly, I wouldn't be in a position to have to deal with interacting with sister-in-laws or other female family members who had screwed around with my husband.

 

So I guess the short answer to 'how would I deal with it?' is, I wouldn't.

[velvette]

Comments in bold - mm Very useful elements for my new script. Thank you.

 

 

You're welcome. BTW I understand stressing over whether OW1 would be at the wedding.....just meant why stress when you can ask your son if she was invited.

 

 

With regard to confronting her if she continues to talk badly about you, perhaps you could do it in writing if its too stressful in person. Just don't get sucked into an ongoing convo with her. Use a throwaway email and close it after you email her leaving her no avenue to respond. Who cares what her verbal response is.....she will either stop or not.

[merrmeade]

You're welcome. BTW I understand stressing over whether OW1 would be at the wedding.....just meant why stress when you can ask your son if she was invited.

 

 

With regard to confronting her if she continues to talk badly about you, perhaps you could do it in writing if its too stressful in person. Just don't get sucked into an ongoing convo with her. Use a throwaway email and close it after you email her leaving her no avenue to respond. Who cares what her verbal response is.....she will either stop or not.

You cannot begin to imagine how many hours (days - weeks?) I've wasted trying to write The Email to this woman or how many starts I've made. Actually my husband always has the best advice and best wording when I give up. (And guess how that feels realizing that he knows exactly what to say to her?) I don't dare start up that path again.

[merrmeade]

Strictly addressing this particular question in your thread, for me, there isn't a man on this planet worth swallowing my pride and self-respect just to stay married to him. I couldn't respect someone like this and I couldn't respect myself for staying with someone like this.

 

So honestly, I wouldn't be in a position to have to deal with interacting with sister-in-laws or other female family members who had screwed around with my husband.

 

So I guess the short answer to 'how would I deal with it?' is, I wouldn't.

Whatever, Lois. Yeah, I'm a loser beginning to end. THanks for the comparison.

[merrmeade]

Your story was one of the first that I read on LS and it was horrible then and just as horrible now, so I have rarely commented on it, because you probably could guess my opinions and I respect your request.

 

I will only say that you dont really know what your children know. If he could put 2 and 2 together, I am sure they suspect at a minimum. If they are aware of the animosity and aware of their fathers prevalence to have affairs with family members, I am sure that watching the awkward dance you have around the SIL speaks volumes.

 

No advice or opinions. Hope one day you find peace with all this.

Okay. This is fast becoming one of those threads I regret. Just like everything else, I lay it all out there and get exactly what I asked for.

[underpants]

I'd imagine being a ride or die chick is not all it is cracked up to be.

[merrmeade]

I'd imagine being a ride or die chick is not all it is cracked up to be.

Neither is being the little old lady that cried boo hoo

[velvette]

You cannot begin to imagine how many hours (days - weeks?) I've wasted trying to write The Email to this woman or how many starts I've made. Actually my husband always has the best advice and best wording when I give up. (And guess how that feels realizing that he knows exactly what to say to her?) I don't dare start up that path again.

 

 

OK......but, I think you are making too much out of your H knowing what to say. Probably has less to do with understanding her than just knowing what is the appropriate thing to say in the general sitch. Probably most of us here could come up with an email to her in a few minutes because we don't have the visceral feelings you have related to her....that's what blocks you imo which is understandable.

[velvette]

Whatever, Lois. Yeah, I'm a loser beginning to end. THanks for the comparison.

 

 

You aren't a loser and hopefully you were being sarcastic.

 

 

There are lots of worse things than reconciling with a cheating spouse even with the added mess you have. Being mean to other people for example comes to mind as being at the top of the list.

 

 

Take with a grain of salt the proclamations of people who "know" what they would do in a situation they have never faced.

[velvette]

I'd imagine being a ride or die chick is not all it is cracked up to be.

 

Curious, underpants, what is a ride or die chick. Never heard that expression.

[merrmeade]

You aren't a loser and hopefully you were being sarcastic.

 

There are lots of worse things than reconciling with a cheating spouse even with the added mess you have. Being mean to other people for example comes to mind as being at the top of the list.

 

Take with a grain of salt the proclamations of people who "know" what they would do in a situation they have never faced.

nvm - underscores the risks and limitations of laying it all out there on any anonymous public forum.

 

No one is responsible for coming up with the perfect answer. There isn't one and at some point I should give up on sharing the details. They don't help after a point and just make everything all the more horrifying to onlookers.

 

It's embarrassing for everyone, I suppose.

[66Charger]

Maybe trying to help anonymous people on a forum is delusion. Crazy world. ONCE Again, if what I posted caused you to regret posting your thread, my apologies.

 

Take care.

Edited November 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[merrmeade]

Curious, underpants, what is a ride or die chick. Never heard that expression.

Had to look it up myself. Not sure about the word “ride” (along for the ride no matter how dangerous?) but the expression is heard in hip hop and rap to refer to a woman who stands by her man even if it kills her. It’s been co-opted and expanded to include passive women who stick with men in the face of proven transgressions.

 

Feeling humiliated by the name-calling and meanness in her posts, I slinked away in defeat and regret for a while, feeling exposed, defeated and foolish for having given a handle.

 

I’d ignored a previous remark in the thread—

Go for the reality tv series.

'Sister In Law Wives'.

'All in the Family'

'A River runs through all of us....and it is his semen.'

TLC is the best bet for this.

Good luck.

—which made even less sense.

 

The real question was why the harangue to a betrayed spouse not so recovered? So I skimmed your hefty body of comments since 2007 and found similar examples of mean-spirited insensitivity alongside the occasional on-target empathy. Most revealing are narratives of a sad history of broken relationships and a childhood witnessing all the adults self-destruct. More sad, these stories reveal more pain and confusion than growth and insight. ‘Cheap and mocking’ are not the same as ‘incisive and witty.’

 

So first thing I did was pm somebody and ask for a pep talk. Good one, acknowledging my sucky situation, validating me. Went a long way to making me feel worthwhile. Then I did the who-is-underpants research (not lnog to skim).

 

Now, I can reject this characterization along with meanness of the words.

[merrmeade]

Maybe trying to help anonymous people on a forum is delusion. Crazy world. ONCE Again, if what I posted caused you to regret posting your thread, my apologies.

 

Take care.

No, it wasn't anything intentional. It was your recall of your honest reaction to my "horrible" situation. I also remember your first thread and then your post on a concurrent thread of mine. You were really shocked. Your posts are genuine and straightforward; that's what made it so hard to read.

 

Not sure what I regret, but it wasn't your post. The thing is you're right. My story is so horrible and I've gotten so much more comfortable laying all the details out here, that it's a shocking blow out of nowhere when someone comes in (not you) and blows it up in my face, exaggerating, ridiculing reconciliation without suggesting anything constructive or even addressing the thread.

[66Charger]

You should have expected that from underpants. 99% of the time, I cant figure out what the hell she is saying. Shocked to find out its a she. I really thought the poster was a 16 year old boy, giggling on a basement computer.

 

If there is one poster who should not have upset you or anyone else, its that bunch of confusion.

 

Where I am from we start celebrating Christmas right after thanksgiving dinner. Everyone buries the hatchet and does their best to enjoy every moment. Living the true spirit of Christmas, enjoying the tree, lights, smell, saying happy holidays to strangers etc . This tones down my sense of outrage and my desire to read dirt. Life isn't too bad and autumn probaly gave me my breakthrough months ago. I hope she is ok.

 

For this Holiday Season I hope we all take a brain break from troubles, backburner those who create drama upon us, and live in the moment. Of course, I will revert back to 66 soon and say what I feel, however for now silence is my happiness.

 

Be at peace and let no one silence you.

Edited November 29, 2015 by 66Charger