ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 I've have learned a tremendous amount from your LS'ers. Mainly that I knew I had a "nice guy" problem and that the issues with my Ex had a little something to do with her and a LOT to do with me. I admit I am slow to recognize my faults (and that's part of the nice guy persona, the inability to admit I am human and make mistakes). But between the following two books I just finished reading, I've learned a lot about who *I* am and what went wrong. "Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Dr. Robert A. Glover The first book taught me what I did wrong in my relationship (those 15 rules that I completely boffed). The second book told me why. Granted, I have shoved a lot of information in my head over the past several weeks, but what I've learned from these books is, far and above, the most important and life changing. It's kind of hard to explain but I'll bullet point the highlights, if anyone is interested: * Growing up without a father was a major factor in my "Nice Guy" image. * Nice guys use "covert contracts" to fill their needs (which creates resentment) * Nice guys think they are bad people and do not like or accept who they are. * Nice guys put other's needs ahead of their own (Lays guilt on your partner) * Nice guys often do not accept their own masculinity. * Nice guys are caretakers. (You end up with needy and often wrong partners) * Nice guys don't understand boundaries (setting and enforcing the consequences of crossing them) * Nice guys are wimps (sad, but true) no matter how "buff" they look. The great thing is both books have shed a lot of light on why I acted the way I did. Not only that, but they both give you enough insight (and one gives you lessons) on how to change your behavior, accept you for who you are, get your own needs met, be happy in your own skin, build integrity, learn to set boundaries and so much more. The bottom line is someone with low self-esteem can not hide it and it's a lot of negative energy. Someone who understands how to make themselves happy and get their own needs met is comfortable with who they are and is masculine will inherently draw people to them because of their positive energy. Nobody wants a needy, clingy man who uses covert contracts to guilt them into loving them (*raises hand* - That's what I did.) There's much more to it than what I've posted here. But I do want to recommend both books to men who have ever been dumped because they were "soft" and "clingy." If you don't love yourself, no one else will. No words have ever rung more clearly in my head lately than these. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Don't generalize. Not all nice guys are like that. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 He CAN be Taught! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC * Nice guys often do not accept their own masculinity. add and sexuality to the end of that... Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Don't generalize. Not all nice guys are like that. i agree Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin Don't generalize. Not all nice guys are like that. Men like what I described are your classic "Nice Guy" who all their friends say "Oh, he's such a catch" but none of them go out with you. There is a big difference between being a "classic nice guy" and a "kind man." Read the book, Kevin. You'll see what I mean. Originally posted by laRubiaBonita He CAN be Taught! It's amazing that I am learning this stuff at 36 and not 20. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I am still young enough to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale add and sexuality to the end of that... While I agree it is sometimes associated with the classic "nice guy', I've never had an issue with my sexuality. I LOVE women and sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Who is this nice guy? Maybe in a relationship you're different, but there's nothing I've seen from your posts that implies you're the classic nice guy. Almost all your posts are pompous and you're generally obstinate about everything you discuss. Oh - wait, maybe I'm pointing out the obvious again. Silly me. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 I think this girl really really did a number on you!! You're going through all these life changing experiences and finding answer ...for what??? She didn't love you or appreciate you it's not that you're a bad person or need to change. We all learn and change but ggg's, I think you're going to an extreme...You're fine just the way you are, being a nice guy isn't something bad, it's awesome you just need to find the right girl to enjoy it. I didn't grow up with a father either and at times, not all the time, I blame that for my mistakes in relationships because I dont' know how to recieve love from a man, it feels weird!! Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 i think it Also depends on the SO you choose as well. Which, also casn be related to self esteem issues. CIOC~ your ex sounds like an immature beotch, so yeah, i am sure that did not help your relationship dynamics either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever I think this girl really really did a number on you!! True, but in a positive way. I needed the wake up call. You're going through all these life changing experiences and finding answer ...for what??? She didn't love you or appreciate you it's not that you're a bad person or need to change. Not changing - improving. I agree I am not a bad person, but once I read the books I understood how I thought of myself and it wasn't in a positive manner at all. We all learn and change but ggg's, I think you're going to an extreme...You're fine just the way you are, being a nice guy isn't something bad, it's awesome you just need to find the right girl to enjoy it. That's the problem. I wasn't ACCEPTING who I was internally and it showed externally. You misunderstand my statements. I am not saying I have to change everything. Just my OUTLOOK on who I am. I need to accept who I am, warts and all, before others can love me. I didn't grow up with a father either and at times, not all the time, I blame that for my mistakes in relationships because I dont' know how to recieve love from a man, it feels weird!! It's exceptionally hard for men who grow up without fathers to accept their masculinity. Mom's teach their boys how they want to be treated and in the process they don't learn how to be men. As I read the examples and case studies in the book, I fit the classic profile. Understand, this isn't about changing WHO I am. That's impossible. It's about accepting who you are and being OK with it. That takes some time but I'm on the right track. Case in point, I don't care what Pocky thinks about me Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita i think it Also depends on the SO you choose as well. Which, also casn be related to self esteem issues. CIOC~ your ex sounds like an immature beotch, so yeah, i am sure that did not help your relationship dynamics either. Oh I agree. She's 28 going on 18. That didn't help. But put the two of us "problem children" together and no amount of love could overcome the obstacles in our path. I love her, I miss her, but darn it, right now she isn't right for me. Maybe in a few years we'd be perfect for each other, but not as we are now. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Case in point, I don't care what Pocky thinks about me There ya go! Now, switch the name Pocky with the name Rebecka and you're set. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky There ya go! Now, switch the name Pocky with the name Rebecka and you're set. Rebekah And eventually I won't care. It still stings a little, but not nearly as much as it did a few weeks ago. I like me. I am happy with me. I don't need to prove myself to anyone else. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. (Hence the buff photo of me is back up!) Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC It's amazing that I am learning this stuff at 36 and not 20. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I am still young enough to recover. You're an inspiration. And - whether I agree with your POV or not - I always find your threads stimulating and thoughtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Rebekah SOB - I knew I'd spell it wrong. I was too lazy to go back through the posts to find where you pointed out what her name was. Eh - you knew what I meant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo You're an inspiration. And - whether I agree with your POV or not - I always find your threads stimulating and thoughtful. Thank you, RR. I appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Hi ConfusedInOC, I have a question for you : have you revealed your internet addiction to your therapist yet?.......just a couple of examples : May 24th - 41 posts, May 25th - 44 posts. Time to unplug the computer sweetie, and let the real healing begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by jellybean Hi ConfusedInOC, I have a question for you : have you revealed your internet addiction to your therapist yet?.......just a couple of examples : May 24th - 41 posts, May 25th - 44 posts. Time to unplug the computer sweetie, and let the real healing begin. ...and that's not counting the other web sites I dedicate my time to. It's not just LS. I have the RR forums, the Sportbike Forums, my own web site, Yahoo! Haha. I'm an internet junkie and proud of it. Though lately I've been reading books and since I've been auditioning for bands, that's gotten me off the PC more. Not to mention working out a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 don't wanna high jack this thread or anything but i thought you were putting togther your own band? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by NTB don't wanna high jack this thread or anything but i thought you were putting togther your own band? I'm going to do a Van Halen (DLR Era) Cover Band to take up the extra time I have. The original band I want to do will be a Christian Rock Band in the same genre as Switchfoot. Spiritual and able to cross into maintstream. I have the riffs to do it, I just need to hook up with someone who can help arrange music. Link to post Share on other sites
purple21 Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Awww - don't worry CIOC - post away if it makes you feel better - I'm sure there are others in your same shoes Plus everyone always gets all riled up - makes for some good reading Link to post Share on other sites
BrotherAaron Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Rebekah And eventually I won't care. It still stings a little, but not nearly as much as it did a few weeks ago. I like me. I am happy with me. I don't need to prove myself to anyone else. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. (Hence the buff photo of me is back up!) Haha... you said like Richard Smiley (is that the name) from that Saturday Night Live skit... do you ever wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your reflection "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and - gosh darnit - people like me!" Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Hey OC, has anyone ever told you that you resemble that guy that used to play peewee herman? By the way, I do not mean it in a bad way!!!! Before someone starts to use it in a bad way Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by BrotherAaron Haha... you said like Richard Smiley (is that the name) from that Saturday Night Live skit... do you ever wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your reflection "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and - gosh darnit - people like me!" Stuart Smalley from the Glendale Federal Bank commercials Actually I do have notes pasted all over the place reminding me. It might sound weird to some people but after a few months of this, it will be ingrained in my memory and will be a part of who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
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