Breaking no contact to reach out once more?

[eightninevision]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me two months ago out of the blue. Everything was going great, planning our future together, then bam, she just said she didn't love me anymore.

 

No signs of this whatsoever leading up to it, so naturally I bargained and begged for a few weeks after. I also got angry with her a lot. She never cut me off, but reiterated that she had no second thoughts. I fully believe she's saying that just to convince herself of it. Maybe I'm delusional (probably).

 

We're at a point now where things are amicable, but she has yet to initiate contact since the breakup.

 

I'm really really tempted to send this to her:

 

"So I know a lot of what has happened since we broke up has turned you off, but it's all just because I didn't understand why you changed. I'm not a game player, and it's probably unattractive for you at this point to have a guy completely fall for you. But when I look back at our time together I think there's something worthwhile between us. That's fine if whatever is going on with your life has lead to you not feeling anything for me right now but I'm not super happy writing you off as some fling, you meant a lot more to me than that. But you acting like I'm just some dude now makes me think you're 100% over it and makes me want to never look back more and more.just wanted to get that off my chest."

 

She was really head over heels for me right up until the end. We haven't gone me than ten days NC. I know everyone says the only chance at reconnecting is NC, but she's moving in two months. Any reason not to be open and send this?

[ExpatInItaly]

If she's leaving and moving anyway, I don't see much point in sending this. It sounds like her mind is made up. If you feel you need to say these things, I guess go ahead but I'm not sure what type of response you're anticipating. She is probably just going to reiterate what she's already said - ie. that her feelings aren't the same.

 

No Contact isn't for reconnecting. It's a strategy to help you move on.

[Dylon]

It's a bad letter. It exposes a lot about you, your neediness, your lack of respect for her decision, or your "fine, I don't care" attitude which obviously isn't true. I don't know what you hope to accomplish with this letter. I don't see anything....just whining. If I were her, I would read it as "there he goes again".

 

If you need to reach out for peace of mind or to get answers, be direct. It sounds to be it's over for good so hope you can let go and do nothing.

[eightninevision]

I don't know why I want to say these things either. I know she knows I'm available if she changes her mind.

 

I guess I just can't believe (like it truly does not add up) that her feelings have actually changed. It is the strangest thing to have someone dote on you, say "baby I love you, you make me so happy, you mean everything to me" then completely disappear from your life overnight. It just does not add up. Many have suggested that there's someone else. Knowing that would make it better, so at least there was an answer. She is 24 and she just kept saying "I'm so confused, I'll always be confused about this decision" when she dumped me. That does not make it better, it makes me feel like there's a flame there still and I need to support it. It's a huge mind ****.

 

But I have felt awful after reaching out in the past two months, it's like being dumped all over again. So I know I shouldn't say any of it to her. But I really feel like two months has done nothing for my healing, other than I don't cry every day now, more like every other. The constant flashbacks to good times with her just saps my energy.

[greenleaves54]

You are not in control of your emotions right now.

 

Sending this will only push her further away.

 

She made her choice. Move on like a boss instead. Both for yourself and for her thoughts of you. Trust me.

[Dylon]

If you must write, be more strong and admirable about it. Cut off the whining. I edited your message as an example.

 

"So I know a lot of what has happened since we broke up has turned you off, but it's all just because I didn't understand why you changed. I'm not a game player, and it's probably unattractive for you at this point to have a guy completely fall for you. But when I look back at our time together I think there's something worthwhile between us. That's fine if whatever is going on with your life has lead to you not feeling anything for me right now but I'm not super happy writing you off as some fling, you meant a lot more to me than that. But you acting like I'm just some dude now makes me think you're 100% over it and makes me want to never look back more and more.just wanted to get that off my chest."

 

"I know a lot of what has happened since we broke up has been hard on you, but it's all just because I didn't understand why you changed. When I look back at our time together there's something great between us. You were not just some fling; you meant a lot more than that to me during our time together. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I wish you well as we both move apart and go on our seperate path. Take care of yourself"

[eightninevision]

Dylon, green leaves, appreciate all that. I exposed a LOT of my neediness during the breakup which I know was a major turn off for her as she is completely independent (albeit emotionally dead, like a fembot). I'm pretty regretful about that, but I just need to work on it I guess.

 

 

I likely shouldn't write anything. Our last convo was amicable. I need to somehow figure out a way to destroy the last ounce of hope in my heart without having to make her do it for me, if you know what I mean.

 

 

It's going to be very hard seeing her leave to live out the life we planned with each other and not be a part of it. Even harder considering she has not expressed any hesitance since making the decision to end it. I'm not the first nor last to go through this, but I don't think there's any physical or emotional feeling that is stronger than being rejected by someone who loved you and formed such strong positive memories with you.

[eightninevision]

As one more follow up, I would love to move on like a boss. My friends tell me I can do better, and I think part of me believes them. But it's a catch 22 - I'm saying to myself I can do better, but if that's the case how in the hell did she pass on me in the end? The evidence that I can do better is sullied by the evidence that she rejected me.

 

Obvious response is that we're not right for each other. Just tough to swallow.

[Dylon]

It is the strangest thing to have someone dote on you, say "baby I love you, you make me so happy, you mean everything to me" then completely disappear from your life overnight.

 

It happens. Towards the end of relationships, there are lots of confusion and back and forth: one moment, it's ok and happy, the next a desire to move on. It's not sudden, just the act of leaving was. She probably struggled with it for some time. "I love you" often said out of habit in relationships anyway.

 

It just does not add up. Many have suggested that there's someone else. Knowing that would make it better, so at least there was an answer. She is 24 and she just kept saying "I'm so confused, I'll always be confused about this decision" when she dumped me.

 

The confuse part is to stay or leave. Regardless, this is just a normal course of a relationship. Someday you might just go through the same thing that she did.

 

But I have felt awful after reaching out in the past two months, it's like being dumped all over again.

 

That's why you shouldn't. If you do, then do it with finality and something you can live with in hindsight. No more begging....a reflection and a goodbye. A closure.

 

two months has done nothing for my healing, other than I don't cry every day now, more like every other. The constant flashbacks to good times with her just saps my energy.

 

It's harder if you don't accept and keep on trying to get her back. You try to find reasons and causes and a better understandings of her thinking. You won't let go. It's just normal for people to grow out of a relationships, otherwise we all would marry our first love. You will begin to be ok if you can accept this. Sorry for your hurt.

[Dylon]

It's going to be very hard seeing her leave to live out the life we planned with each other and not be a part of it. Even harder considering she has not expressed any hesitance since making the decision to end it.

 

Of course but you need to look at it this way: she was a part of your life before and you were a part of hers. That can't be changed and forgotten. She will remember and so will you. Both will use the experience to grow in future relationships.

 

She expressed hesitancy in her mind; she just didn't share. She' not like you as you have pointed out. He thought about it, dealt with it, and acted on it. So now you have to do the same.

[dyna85]

Do not do it. Tuck it in a drawer somewhere and if you feel the need to write another letter, draft it and tuck that one away too.

 

You can't force someone to feel a certain way. If she dumped you out of the blue, said she didn't love you, and told you there were no second thoughts, nothing you say or do will convince her to come back around again, and if she ever comes to her senses and realizes that she loves and cares for you deeply enough to want to reconnect, it will be a realization that she will have on her own, and won't be a result of you professing your love at this moment because she's already said in as many words that she's not currently feeling it. Much like you can't flick the off switch with regard to your feelings for her, she can't turn them on at this point.

 

I think you should do what you want, but I think ultimately, you will regret doing this if it doesn't work out in your favor, which it's not looking like it will, at least any time in the immediate future, if ever. I think your best bet is to saddle up and move on with your life, and by that I don't mean you need to push her out of your mind. That's going to take some time.

 

Feel the emotions, but don't act on them is my 2 cents.

 

No one said breakups were easy, and as someone who's made a fool of herself on more than one occasion: don't do it!!! You'll look back and be annoyed with yourself. You already showcased your vulnerability and were rejected for it. Why go through that again? I assure you, as painful as it is to experience the urge to contact her, it's likely not as bad as actually going through with it, to be rejected again. Then again, sometimes it does bring closure. It really does depend on the person. Sometimes it is helpful to put that extra nail in the coffin.

 

I can see both sides of the fence obviously, but the greater part of me says don't do it, you will regret it.

[eightninevision]

I've already gone through that whole extra nail in the coffin thing probably 5x. She has been nice enough to even entertain my reaches.

 

It drives me insane, thought I was her dream man as she said. Took her all over the world. Gave her a bright future to look forward to.

 

Nothing I say to her will make this pain go away. Nothing anyone says to me is going to help me let go it seems, either. When someone builds up the idea in your mind that they'll be your girl for the foreseeable future and then strips it from you overnight, I don't know if there's anything in the world that will make it better. Time obviously, but I ruminate on it everyday. I meditate, exercise, all to no avail.

 

I would pay anything to get it back to how it was, but I'd pay nearly as much to pretend it never happened.

 

It's just extremely hard to accept that she's actually done with me given how incredible things were. Everyone who knew us thought she would change her mind, too, making it that much worse. Idk how my expectation could be anything other than she will change her mind someday. So I'm waiting, and it is awful.

Edited November 24, 2015 by eightninevision

[dyna85]

Well eightnine, it does seem like you tried your best to fight for the relationship, but she, for whatever reason, isn't having it.

 

I know this is the most cliched advice and whatever, but you really do deserve someone who is willing to fight with you to make it work, and doesn't just lose feelings and move along in the other direction.

 

It definitely sucks when something you hold so precious is gone overnight, but do rest assured that whatever happens is meant to happen, and you will see the light after the darkness.

 

I know what you mean about keeping busy and still hurting. I meditate and exercise too, and I get out and all that, and the feelings still persist.

 

It really is a matter of time--at least I used to think that. I know what you mean about waiting too, and feeling like you can't help it. It just is.

 

I wish I could be more helpful but I'm in a slump myself so I'm probably not the most rational person right now as my emotions are too, getting the better of me.

 

If anything, I think it's just pain that we need to face, like we really need to stare at it and get comfortable with it and accept it, if we ever hope for it to pass.

[J722]

I feel your pain.

 

My situation was similar in the sense that she would mention how she saw herself with me for a very long time.

 

Affection was high, love, passion, connection, deep talks, amazing sex, same view of the world -- everything you could want.

 

And then after one small fight, it's done.

 

I too, look for a reason and wish I had one. We had an emotional talk (in which we left without a clear in our out) but I barely remember anything -- it was like I was drunk with emotion.

 

Then I messaged her a couple times and...zero response.

 

Up to that point things were perfect and even a couple days prior she was telling me how into me she was and whatnot.

 

I'm very active, I meditate, I do yoga and I still haven't been able to sleep well.

 

Mornings suck because they're a reminder that this is real, and that's when it hits me hardest.

 

Just keep doing your thing. I hate the cliches too. What has helped is reading stuff like this and I started reading relationship books. For me, it's about working on myself for next time.

Edited November 24, 2015 by J722
Change

[J722]

Also,

 

It seems we basically had the same situation.

 

My girl came to me wanting to talk about some things and she was basically considering breaking up or felt less excited about our relationship due to a bunch of small reasons, nothing major.

 

In that instance, I lost it --- I don't really know why. I think I was shocked that my dream girl (and I had been her dream man) could be over so quick.

 

If I was less emotional I believe I could have found a way to make it work, but I lost it and much like you, feel like that pushed her away. It didn't at that exact moment, but once I left her apartment that night -- I think it was done.

[eightninevision]

Also,

 

 

In that instance, I lost it --- I don't really know why. I think I was shocked that my dream girl (and I had been her dream man) could be over so quick.

 

If I was less emotional I believe I could have found a way to make it work...

 

This is the worst part about all of it. Someone I trust a lot said that my girl was just scared about the future and needed me to be strong at that point and I was a mouse. It is so hard to believe that if I hadn't been more stable she wouldn't be by my side right now. In the convo she said "I am so confused, I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up but it's not the same right now"

 

I crumbled. I broke down, crying like a 12 year old, told her I loved her and would lose it if she was in the city and not my girl.

 

I have definitely considered asking her if that was the tipping point, too. Just to know.

 

It's just the worst human experience there is, simply by having the best human experience followed by the absence of it.

[eightninevision]

Well eightnine, it does seem like you tried your best to fight for the relationship, but she, for whatever reason, isn't having it.

 

I know this is the most cliched advice and whatever, but you really do deserve someone who is willing to fight with you to make it work, and doesn't just lose feelings and move along in the other direction.

 

 

I have texted back and forth a few times since the break up due to me reaching for closure or reconsideration and she has said that. "You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and I have no feelings for you anymore." I am tearing up right now even thinking about her saying that to me after what we had together. The tone, the message, it's just unfathomable coming from her.

 

Lost my cheerleader for grad school, my travel partner, my best friend, and my lover in one night, and she has never spoken to me in the same tone since then.

[Oregon_Dude]

If I could go back in time to immediately after any one of my breakups and tell my former self something, it would be this:

 

"She doesn't care about you anymore, and there is nothing you can do about. There are no words to convince her or make her love you again. This time in your life is now over. The sooner you can accept it, instead of trying to resuscitate the past, the sooner you will be through the hardest part."

 

One really must internalize this. Someone's feelings change, and they cannot change back. Man up. This is the other side of the coin.

[casey.lives]

some people are not meant to be together.. the world wouldn't allow it. somethings are not meant to be, like some are... it's a two sided coin

[J722]

If I could go back in time to immediately after any one of my breakups and tell my former self something, it would be this:

 

"She doesn't care about you anymore, and there is nothing you can do about. There are no words to convince her or make her love you again. This time in your life is now over. The sooner you can accept it, instead of trying to resuscitate the past, the sooner you will be through the hardest part."

 

One really must internalize this. Someone's feelings change, and they cannot change back. Man up. This is the other side of the coin.

 

This hurts, but I may have to say this out loud for the next month or so. I don't want to admit this, but it's the truth. It's the "not knowing" why they changed that hurts even more, but there is nothing I can do. I keep waiting for her to call me, waiting for her to message me (and trust me, I'm doing my best to move forward, be social, try new things --I'm not a guy to sit around) and yet the pain persists harder than ever.

[Oregon_Dude]

It's the "not knowing" why they changed that hurts even more, but there is nothing I can do.

Well, here's the thing: there's not some big Reason a woman's emotions towards you change (barring you've been abusive towards her or something). Women are, by nature, emotional creatures. The emotions ebbs, and she's in love with you; it flows, and she isn't. Men are much more consistent. This is why women break men's hearts more often than vice versa.

 

In short, there is no why. There is only their total and senseless allegiance to their Emotions.

[J722]

I have texted back and forth a few times since the break up due to me reaching for closure or reconsideration and she has said that. "You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and I have no feelings for you anymore." I am tearing up right now even thinking about her saying that to me after what we had together. The tone, the message, it's just unfathomable coming from her.

 

Lost my cheerleader for grad school, my travel partner, my best friend, and my lover in one night, and she has never spoken to me in the same tone since then.

 

I thought silence was bad (from mine), but this may be worse.

 

Although at least she has the respect to tell you to your face (or text) while mine has simply been 100% silent.

 

I don't know which I prefer and fear mine feels exactly the same way but doesn't have the balls to tell me.

[J722]

Well, here's the thing: there's not some big Reason a woman's emotions towards you change (barring you've been abusive towards her or something). Women are, by nature, emotional creatures. The emotions ebbs, and she's in love with you; it flows, and she isn't. Men are much more consistent. This is why women break men's hearts more often than vice versa.

 

In short, there is no why. There is only their total and senseless allegiance to their Emotions.

 

Thanks. I definitely get this from a concept standpoint, but find it so hard to relate to (hence the difference between Men & Women).

 

I know track record means nothing to the feminine (only right now matters) but it's agonizing to accumulate so much positive emotion, love openness and then in a matter of days it's simply gone.

[J722]

This is the worst part about all of it. Someone I trust a lot said that my girl was just scared about the future and needed me to be strong at that point and I was a mouse. It is so hard to believe that if I hadn't been more stable she wouldn't be by my side right now. In the convo she said "I am so confused, I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up but it's not the same right now"

 

I crumbled. I broke down, crying like a 12 year old, told her I loved her and would lose it if she was in the city and not my girl.

 

I have definitely considered asking her if that was the tipping point, too. Just to know.

 

It's just the worst human experience there is, simply by having the best human experience followed by the absence of it.

 

I've thought about this too, and regret how I handled it.

 

But we made the choice in that moment to deal with it how we did and show our TRUE selves.

 

That, in essence, can't be the wrong choice.

 

We were our authentic selves.

 

Why can Women be themselves all the time and when Men feel emotion, it's supposed to be a bad thing?

 

I even told her that night that I was done being vulnerable and open to women during the early stages of a relationship.

 

Do I mean that?

 

Not really.

 

I think a healthy, powerful man can be both strong, stoic and centered while being in touch with his emotions and being okay working through them.

 

"I'd rather have a bruised heart than a boxed heart".

[Oregon_Dude]

track record means nothing to the feminine (only right now matters)

Right. Women are essentially like children, in that they literally can't remember the past and what you did for them a month ago; only what you just did that made them feel bad.

 

Expecting a woman to be reasonable on an emotional level is like expecting your child to be appreciative to you for their housing, food and clothing.