Breaking no contact to reach out once more?

[SoThatHappened]

I've gone through what you're going through now OP. too much to type by phone right now but I'll type more later.

 

Want you to know this now:

 

There's another guy. Trust me. It wasn't what you did or didn't do as much as it was someone else in the picture.

[eightninevision]

I do trust you, it's the absolute only explanation. There's no other unifying reason for her disabling her Facebook temporarily right before the breakup, always deleting her texts, the sudden change of heart, and the never look back attitude she's had.

 

But if that's supposed to make me feel better, I must be missing something. It means she saw more in the other guy (I have an idea of who it is and he's taller, better looking, but has a dad bod and works for his daddy). That doesn't feel good at all.

 

The only thing it does do is make me happy it's now and not later, because obviously she was never committed.

[SoThatHappened]

Believe me, it hurts to be replaced.

 

However, it's not as bad as them simply not wanting to be with you. Think about that.

[eightninevision]

I feel you. Thing is I'm just not confident she's with this guy. She's on tinder and bumble and he wouldn't be down with that (and he'd know obviously). So it does feel like she chose no one or anyone over me.

[J722]

Update from my situation and looking for advice.

 

To follow up --- she reached out after 3 days of NC.

 

She left an audio note saying that she apologizes for not reaching out, and all that stuff, whatever that means.

 

Then she said she's been on an "emotional rollercoaster" and the past 4 nights she's had intense dreams that I had cheated on her with different Women.

 

She then asks me point blank, twice:

 

Were you loyal while we were together?

 

She says she needs to know and to be honest with her.

 

Lastly, she mentions she doesn't think it makes sense to see eachother in person (my last message to her before NC was saying I wanted to speak to her now that the emotional drama had been done).

 

Either way, I don't know what to do.

 

I do want her back, in a very real and deep way.*

 

And if that doesn't happen, I still want to see her for closure and to ask my own questions so I can hopefully understand a slither more about what happened to us (although this may be a fruitless attempt as I know Women rarely will give us the truth).

 

She sent the voicenote last night.

 

What would you recommend?

 

@EightNine, stay strong with NC. How many days are you on?

[Oregon_Dude]

Ushe doesn't think it makes sense to see eachother in person

Hey, awesome. Maybe you guys could like, get back together but have it just a be a texting relationship?

[eightninevision]

I think that's a breadcrumb and nothing more. I wouldn't respond if I were you.

 

I'm at one week. But guess what, I could go 1 year, 1 decade or 1 lifetime, the box of ice I dated would still not reach out. I have made multiple bets with friends on that, I know her well. She has won. No need to give up any chips to the dealer out of charity.

[J722]

Hey, awesome. Maybe you guys could like, get back together but have it just a be a texting relationship?

 

Haha. That's what I thought when she said that.

[J722]

I think that's a breadcrumb and nothing more. I wouldn't respond if I were you.

 

I'm at one week. But guess what, I could go 1 year, 1 decade or 1 lifetime, the box of ice I dated would still not reach out. I have made multiple bets with friends on that, I know her well. She has won. No need to give up any chips to the dealer out of charity.

 

Yeah, I have no idea what to do.

 

Why the hell would she want to know though? (And the answer is yes, I was 100% loyal, thought we had something).

[Oregon_Dude]

Yeah, I have no idea what to do.

 

Why the hell would she want to know though? (And the answer is yes, I was 100% loyal, thought we had something).

Dude, just stop it. Knock it off. You're wondering about the motivations of a crazy person. Get some f*cking self-respect back, and STOP responding to her.

 

She DOES NOT want you; she just wants to know you are going CRAZY without her. Don't give the b*tch the satisfaction.

 

Knock it off, knucklehead.

[J722]

Dude, just stop it. Knock it off. You're wondering about the motivations of a crazy person. Get some f*cking self-respect back, and STOP responding to her.

 

She DOES NOT want you; she just wants to know you are going CRAZY without her. Don't give the b*tch the satisfaction.

 

Knock it off, knucklehead.

 

Hahahaha, just died laughing.

 

Thanks for the wake up call.

 

So basically, stick to my guns.

[Oregon_Dude]

So basically, stick to my guns.

Or engage with her, thus building up her ego while simultaneously devaluing yourself as a strong and independent man.

 

The choice is yours. It starts NOW and lasts for the rest of your life.

[eightninevision]

Or engage with her, thus building up her ego while simultaneously devaluing yourself as a strong and independent man.

 

The choice is yours. It starts NOW and lasts for the rest of your life.

 

Exactly. I'd pay to have my ex reach out just so I could devalue her by not responding. Today is your lucky day, she reached out to you! Now ignore it!

[Oregon_Dude]

I'd pay to have my ex reach out just so I could devalue her by not responding.

You shouldn't even be thinking this way. Realize it or not, your ex is doing you a favor by leaving you alone. They won't really care if you ignore them; they'll just go get some other source of male attention.

 

Don't overestimate your power or influence over your ex; if you ignore them, they're just gonna laugh and tell their friends what an immature baby you are.

 

One of the hardest parts: stop thinking about THEM. Their life is going to be a revolving cast of males who are cast aside as soon as they do any perceived wrong. YOU are all that matters now.

 

Lastly, listen, I get it. My ex and I broke up months ago and I have recently been having a lot of negative and painful emotions. The holidays are not helping this situation. Bottom line though: they are sh*tty people if they left you on a dime, sh*tty people if you were great to them and they dropped you like a bad habit for some other dude. So f*ck them, they can f*cking disappear forever for all you care. They are nothing.

[Itspointless]

It's a bad letter. It exposes a lot about you, your neediness, your lack of respect for her decision, or your "fine, I don't care" attitude which obviously isn't true. I don't know what you hope to accomplish with this letter. I don't see anything....just whining. If I were her, I would read it as "there he goes again".

 

If you need to reach out for peace of mind or to get answers, be direct. It sounds to be it's over for good so hope you can let go and do nothing.

Haven read this thread but sometimes responses like these annoy the hell out of me.

 

I do not see whining, I see somehow who loved someone with his soul. Be proud of that! Unfortunately in the end she wasn't worth it. Never be afraid to show your raw feelings, unfortunately spoiled brats like her do not appreciate that as it makes a command, but who cares. Be proud of who you are and respect your emotions. Whine if you like and be proud of it.

[J722]

You shouldn't even be thinking this way. Realize it or not, your ex is doing you a favor by leaving you alone. They won't really care if you ignore them; they'll just go get some other source of male attention.

 

Don't overestimate your power or influence over your ex; if you ignore them, they're just gonna laugh and tell their friends what an immature baby you are.

 

One of the hardest parts: stop thinking about THEM. Their life is going to be a revolving cast of males who are cast aside as soon as they do any perceived wrong. YOU are all that matters now.

 

Lastly, listen, I get it. My ex and I broke up months ago and I have recently been having a lot of negative and painful emotions. The holidays are not helping this situation. Bottom line though: they are sh*tty people if they left you on a dime, sh*tty people if you were great to them and they dropped you like a bad habit for some other dude. So f*ck them, they can f*cking disappear forever for all you care. They are nothing.

 

The "stop thinking about them" is very, very hard (as you know, you've said as much).

 

But listen, I appreciate your bluntness -- we all need that from time to time.

 

I am a strong, extremely high value, independent and powerful Man. I don't need external validation to prove that --- I love myself on a deep level.

 

With that said, we all need reminders and it's very easy to fall into a trap of low level thinking when we get dropped or life throws us a wrench.

 

As I said during today's meditation...

 

I AM ENOUGH.

 

I am grateful I can come on here and share this.

 

Thing is, when I saw the voicenote this morning, half of me was like "hmmm, wonder what it could say" and half was like "ugh, I've already moved on -- **** her".

[J722]

Also, I found it funny that I didn't even know who it was from. I deleted her #, and had to check the area code to make sure it was actually her, I get a lot of random messages.

[eightninevision]

Honestly after giving you support I just ****ed up and looked at a few emails she sent me right before she dumped me.

 

"I'm so excited for winter break babe!" "Can we book this tomorrow night?" "I miss you my hard working man"

 

I am on the verge of asking her to talk on the phone, two months out now from the breakup. It still does not make sense. I really think I might do it, just to hear her say it again that she doesn't love me, it doesn't add up man. Wtf is wrong with me.

[Oregon_Dude]

I am on the verge of asking her to talk on the phone, two months out now from the breakup. It still does not make sense. I really think I might do it, just to hear her say it again that she doesn't love me, it doesn't add up man. Wtf is wrong with me.

That would be evidence that you're "pathetic" (in her eyes) and not moving on. Giving her all the power.

 

Whatevs guys, if you don't get that you must remain NC then I can't help you. Honestly sick of myself posting here tbh.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I am a strong, extremely high value, independent and powerful Man. I don't need external validation to prove that --- I love myself on a deep level.

 

When I'm doing well, these are my thoughts exactly. I am great. I am successful. I am attractive, and I determine who is worth my valued time.

 

But as you say:

 

...it's very easy to fall into a trap of low level thinking when we get dropped or life throws us a wrench.

 

Sometimes I feel bad for me. I find it helps to stand up (especially because these negative thoughts are what wake me up in the morning), and just start moving. Maybe I will start meditating as you said. That could help on being positive more often.

[J722]

When I'm doing well, these are my thoughts exactly. I am great. I am successful. I am attractive, and I determine who is worth my valued time.

 

But as you say:

 

 

 

Sometimes I feel bad for me. I find it helps to stand up (especially because these negative thoughts are what wake me up in the morning), and just start moving. Maybe I will start meditating as you said. That could help on being positive more often.

 

YES.

 

Yesterday I meditated for an hour. I did a guided meditation on YogaGlo --- and turned off all phones, TV's and everything else.

 

Movement is powerful as well.

 

You got this.

[J722]

That would be evidence that you're "pathetic" (in her eyes) and not moving on. Giving her all the power.

 

Whatevs guys, if you don't get that you must remain NC then I can't help you. Honestly sick of myself posting here tbh.

 

Please don't bail on us, OD. You know where we've been. It's a very tough place and only time will heal. You've been a massive support, albeit blunt, but it's what we need. Stick around.

[Oregon_Dude]

It's a very tough place and only time will heal. You've been a massive support, albeit blunt, but it's what we need. Stick around.

I'm not trying to threaten to leave or anything. Lol. All I'm saying is that if you do not follow the advice of NC and rebuilding your own life, you will not heal. And this will be entirely your own fault.

 

You NEVER look back. Only forward to your new life - which is ALWAYS without your ex.

 

Time heals, yes, but you must also make the RIGHT choices to get your man card back.

[Silver_star]

Honestly after giving you support I just ****ed up and looked at a few emails she sent me right before she dumped me.

 

"I'm so excited for winter break babe!" "Can we book this tomorrow night?" "I miss you my hard working man"

 

I am on the verge of asking her to talk on the phone, two months out now from the breakup. It still does not make sense. I really think I might do it, just to hear her say it again that she doesn't love me, it doesn't add up man. Wtf is wrong with me.

 

 

 

Yeaaaa...you should probably go ahead and delete those emails...along with any texts.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Yeaaaa...you should probably go ahead and delete those emails...along with any texts.

 

This is great advice. Dumpers are likely not going to just stop telling you they love you or treating you like things are fine while they're still trying to find their feelings.

 

So going back to analyze texts that say things like "You're perfect" and "I want to spend my life with you" from the day prior to the breakup will just cause you more pain. These were things said because the dumper was just going through the motions. I've been on both sides of it, and I know how hard it is to read those messages. Delete everything including texts, emails, pictures, hand written letters, etc.